Suspension of Disbelief
A truly terrible Pokemon fanfic

Unlike most 10 year olds, I opted out on going on a Pokemon journey. I had broken my leg the month before, and I had moved from Dewford Town in Hoenn to Pallet Town in Kanto the month before that. So I was stuck inside for several months, subsisting off of ramen and Mtn. Dew., whilst nursing a serious addiction to StarCraft, Half Life 2, and the king of games, Counterstrike. I became a pro gamer, never needing friends elsewhere, I had all the friends I needed in the games. Fast forward 8 years, I'm living in my mom's basement. I graduated high school and was paying my rent with money earned at StarCraft tournaments. I haven't even turned 18 yet, and Im set for a sedentary lifestyle of comfort and gam-

Hang on, my mom is calling me.

"Yeah mom?" I yelled out, hearing her enter my cave of Ancients. And I see my CAT45 Ethernet plug in her hand. Now Im pissed. See, my mom thinks I should get a job or at least some more "real world experience" as she calls it.

"Seth, I have found a wonderful opportunity for you! You need to get cleaned up and head over to Professor Oak's lab right away!"

I know better than to argue with her; last time I did, I figured out why she keeps a Mr. Mime around, and it's not just for doing laundry. I'm still apprehensive around that thing when it's peeling potatoes.

I grabbed a pair of gym shorts and a Portal shirt, swapped sets of clothes, and shaved for the first time in 3 months. I climbed up out of the manhole that concealed my mancave, and walked the 45 feet to the huge lab the kooky old guy ran. Before I could knock, the door was flung open by creepy McHeadcrab himself. He had a Jigsaw quality creeper grin, to which I responded with "Yo."

He stared straight ahead and started his speech.
"Hello, and welcome to the world of Pokemon! My name is Oak, and this is a pokemon!" He sent out a Nidoran F as he did so, which proceeded to take a leak on him, of which he was oblivious to. "Some people use pokemon as pets. Others Keep them as companions and train them to fight one another!" I use them for cheap labor and hilarity. "I, on the other hand, study Pokemon! But enough about me, tell me s little bit about yourself. Are you a girl or a boy?"

This guy is whacked. But he looks like he carries knives in his shoes like [BSB] Nihlius does.

"Boy..."
One fake smile and change of pants later!
Oh, he totally noticed. Ew.
"Great! And what's your name?"

"Seth. Seth Pavlov. No relation to 'Kill all the Rocket Grunts' Pavlov, sadly."
At this point, he grabbed my hand and led me to his lab. Pointing to a table with 5 pokeballs on it, he said,

"Thats great! Your own Pokemon adventure is about to unfold! To begin this journey, please select 2 of the 5 Pokeballs that are on that table. I used to be a highly prolific trainer, but in my old age, only 5 remain."

I examined each one, which had a display stand next to each one that indicated which little beastie was chilling in each ball. Heh. Ball.

There was Bulbasaur first. A dinosaur thing with a giant plant on its back? I have to water it AND feed it? Screw that, I can barely remember to feed a Magikarp. Next.

Metapod, a 3ft long 21 lb green cocoon that apparently knows Stun Spore, Harden, Pound, and String Shot?Holy tapdancing Jesus, thats hilarious. I'm taking this. Hehe, Pound.
Five minutes later, before realzing I had to put it in the pokeball before putting it in my pocket, I moved on.

Next was Mime Jr. It's cold, unfeeling eyes were staring back at me.

NEXT!

The next "not nightmare fuel" option was Bidoof. A fat, retarded beaver that sounds like an elephant passing a kidney stone? No. Not another one. It's like that video of a Tropius with the runs. Ugh...Fruit only diets give you some interesting bowel stew.

And lastly we have a- OMG ITS SOOOOO CUTE. Eevee. Must have. Five finger discount coming right up! Wait. It's free. Shit. I glance around to see if I can palm anything else in this loon's lab, but looks like everything is bolted down. Literally. Even the freaking potted plants have rivets in them!

Damn, this guy is crazier than a brick shithouse.

Oh hey, Nidopiss is talking. I'll listen for a little bit.

"A Normal type and a Bug type? Unconventional choices, to be sure, but I'm sure you do just fine. Here, have these Pokeballs, they'll assist you in your journey to CATCH 'EM ALL!"

He shouted those last 3 words, making me cringe. This HAS to be government sponsored somehow, it wouldn't be so cheesy otherwise. Then he hands me 4 Pokeballs. Wait.

FOUR? I thought I got 5-ahhh, I'm starting off with 2, so it must be to make a full party of 6. But the only real limit with how many pokemon you can carry is only due to what you can realistically care for. Hence why little kids have a shit-ton of bugs, and those random hobo's on news feeds about Mt. Moon only have one Pokemon.

Anyways, I left Kookie's lab and went to pack my backpack of everything I'd need for my "epic" journey. So I just threw about a months' supply of granola bars and several Monsters, and about 10,000 yen to boot, just so I wouldn't have to engage in too many mutant cockfights to get enough cash to get...more granola bars and Monster. Yum.

I also grabbed a can of pepper spray, because lets face it, pedos just fucking CONGREGATE around kids doing their Pokemon journey. There was this couple on the news a few years ago, they followed a kid from around here across SIX REGIONS. He managd to get tailed across Kanto, Johto, the Orange Islands, Hoenn, Sinnoh, and Unova. Mad props for being able to beat the Elite Four in each, but seriously, tailed by this couple and their weird cat, in a FCUKING HOT AIR BALLOON, for over EIGHT HUNDRED MILES. This planet sucks.

And last but not least, turned off my computer after explaining to my friends that, yes, I, the great StarCraft pro, was going to be AFK for the better part of 6 months to go complete the Pokemon journey because his mother wanted him to, and if I didn't, I'd need another round of skin grafts to a sensitive area.

I put on some Vans I've worn for the past 3 years, said goodbye to my mother, and set off for ADVENTURE!

Only to run into thick grass not 10 feet outside town. The road was an absolute wreck. It had turned into a dirt path with thick ass grass on both sides, sometimes covering the path, and 10 foot tall rock overhangs intermittenly spread through the roaf, requiring passage through the grass to get farther. Then again, it's been close to a year and a half since I left Pallet Town, so maybe the government figured it was cool to leave roads in disarray as long as they funded the GoW2 tourney in Pewter City. I have to agree with them there. As long as that crazy bitch with the Torque Bow doesn't show up.

I was staggering through some grass when I felt a tug on my pant leg. I looked down to see a...Rattata, trying to scratch my leg. It's go time, Eevee, you cute sunavabitch!

"Go, Eevee!" And I smashed the Pokeman ball on the ground in a rather dramatic manner. Eevee locked eyes with the weird ass purple rat, and surprisingly, lunged for its throat and tore it out Lord of the Flys style. Or was that the fat kid? Whatever.

After disposing of the dead rat, I tried to clean off Eevee, but it resolutely refused a rag, licking itself clean, which was pretty awesome, seeing as I didn't even have to teach this dog thing to thirst for blood. I returned Eevee and sent out Bohner. Yes, I named the Metapod Bohner. Don't diss! His method of rat termination was slightly less grusome, but equally awesome. It sprinkled yellow stuff on it, and after it stopped moving, leapt up into the air and landed on it. Squish. I returned Bohner after that, seeing as I'm only supposed to fight Pokemon till they're unconscious, not till they resemble so much as gore and purple fur on the side of the road.

We managed to make it up the road to Viridian City without too much hassle, and I even managed to pick up a Potion that someone left in the grass while I was taking a leak. It was starting to get dark, and the Gym looked to be closed for now, so I went to the Pokemon Center to crash for the night. I ended up sleeping in the back of a pickup truck because an old man was lounging in a chair just inside the door, and he had a Mr. Mime seated opposite him. Nightmare fuel is EVERYWHERE!

A/N: And that's the end of the first chapter of this ridiculously premised Pokemon fic, Suspension of Disbelief. Its premise is that a nerd of epic proportions has to go on the Pokemon journey 8 years late, and notices all of the things that makes Pokemon what it is. Roads = ADVENTURE!, for example.

His Pokemon and their levels:

Eevee (yet to be named): Level 7
Bohner the Metapod: Level 8 (It started at level 6)

He HATES Mr. Mimes/Mime Jr's., and his Eevee is 10x cooler than you think it is. Reviews would be awesome, I need to know crazy people are reading my crazy ideas! I have retardedly large amounts of time to write this, and since I'm feeling the major apathy for vidya right now, I'll probably crank out 1K words a day. Which reminds me. Would short, 1K words a chapter...chapters be better, or would longer, 2K+ words chapters be better? I prefer shorter, more frequent ones, but w/e.