Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl.
Dedication: This is for the lovely Nadeen who is the only person in my Nate/Vanessa fan club. Happy Birthday!!! Part 2 will be up on Friday!!
Progressing
I remember the first time you held my hand. You were all smiles and nervousness and I saw right through you. You wanted to be suave and cool and everything a UES should be. But at some point you realized you were romancing a normal girl and not the Blair Waldorf's of the world and you relaxed. I was I, you were you, and for a moment we just were. There were no pretenses, no one was saying 'these are your places and this is who you should be', we were just whatever the hell we were. And it was perfect in all its imperfections.
We danced around each other for a long time. You were hurt by the girl that you never really loved, but had always loved you, the best friend that was more a friend to you than you ever were to him, the father who said he only wanted what's best for you, but he only wanted what was best for him, and you didn't know who to trust. I waited, I was there, and I did everything I could do to make it okay. I was the one that wasn't going to let you down.
You went away for the summer and I thought it would be good for you. I wanted you to get away from everything that had hurt you, but the world just went with you didn't it? You just went to the place your world had converged on for the summer and drowned. That's when she found you, when she sank her overaged claws into you, and you succumbed to your weakness. You didn't know what it would do then. You were being blissfully ignorant and following what all men follow anyway. You definitely didn't think about the consequences.
Then you came back. You came back and you were talking to me and it seemed like we were finally going somewhere. I didn't know what you had done, what you were doing, and you weren't going to tell me. You were ignorant of the damage you had done and the damage I would do. I should have told you that I could take her down, that I could set you free. I didn't think you'd ever forgive me for being like everyone else, for keeping things from you that I shouldn't have.
And for awhile you didn't. We were awkward at best. You were doing your thing and I was avoiding you at all costs. I didn't know how bad things were. You UES people are pretty resilient. I just assumed everything would be okay. But it wasn't and my best friend ended up taking you in. He didn't know what would happen. I think if he had he would have never suggested the arrangement, but he did and it seemed like you were happy for awhile.
Then I saw you with her. You were kissing her and holding her and I felt so betrayed. She was my best friend. She knew how I felt about you, but I should have known about Jenny. When she wants something she goes for it...no matter who it hurts. And it did. It hurt. It hurt almost as much as Dan and Serena had, but it was a different kind of hurt. I didn't love you then. I was on my way to it, but I hadn't fallen. Not yet anyways.
You left for awhile and things were back to normal. It seemed to most parties involved that Jenny didn't contact you and you didn't contact Jenny. I knew better though. I had already taken your letter at the time. She never got it and you didn't know. I liked it better that way. You two couldn't hurt me that way. I didn't realize how much it hurt both of you.
When you came back your father had a plan. He was going to move you and your mother to Dominica. At first you thought it was to be a family, but it wasn't long until you found out his intentions. You were confused and betrayed and I called in the troops…the 'troops' being Chuck Bass. We pushed you in the right direction and we were there….I was there when you did what you had to do. And you forgave me. You forgave me and we had a date. We were heading in the right way.
Then we were together. We were blissfully together and if I was a Blair Waldorf I would have been content with that. But I was Jenny's friend before I was your girlfriend. I saw how Jenny was hurting and I didn't want to betray her. I was going to tell you, let you go so that she could be happy, but that stupid picture showed up before I could do anything. I tried to make things right. I told you and I walked away. I didn't think you would follow. But, then again, I didn't expect what Jenny did either. Guess I didn't know a lot of things didn't I?
I never expected you to choose me. You loved Jenny and I just assumed once you knew you would hate me again. I just assumed that you would choose her. I try not to read into what we are anymore. I'm just taking what you say at face value and trusting you. I don't want to mess it up and I don't want you to one day think this a mistake. And maybe some would say we're not going as fast as we should or that we're going too fast, but I say we're progressing. And that's all that matters.