Author's note:
And here is a brand new comedy series for everyone to enjoy. This story will be a collection of the Akatsuki's mishaps and misadventures because they are without a doubt the funniest characters in Naruto. So now here is the first adventure.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any other copyrighted stuff.
Akatsuki Adventures Part 1: Winter
It was the middle of December and the holidays were nearing so being the incredible leader that he is Pein decided to bring the Akatsuki out to the local shopping complex so they could get their Christmas tree together…….
"Why a Christmas tree? Why not a Menorah? Why not a Jashin Quexl?" Hidan asked Pein.
"Because I'm in charge and I like the smell of pine, besides nobody but you celebrates the Jashin holidays and Tobi's the only one who even knows what the other holidays are about."
"But this is stupid! I've never even heard of Christmas and all of a sudden you drag us out here in the cold and force us to buy holiday shit."
"Shut up Hidan." Kakuzu said. "If you want to know what Christmas is about here it is, many years ago blah blah blah presents, stop bitching."
"Alright now me and Konan-"
"Konan and I." Konan corrected.
"-are going to get a Christmas tree, the rest of you buy decorations and other Christmas related stuff, . No Jashin crap either, and Sasori get out of Hiruko you're scaring all the kids." Pein said to Hidan and Sasori. "Now get the hell away from me."
With Hidan Kakuzu and Deidara
"Ooh ooh! Let's go in this store!"
"No."
"How about this one!"
"No."
"Come on you guys don't want to go in any stores!"
"Well Deidara I'm straight and Kakuzu's a cheap ass. Why the hell are you even following us anyways shouldn't you be fulfilling your twisted puppet fantasies with Sasori?"
"He ditched me hmm! All I say is 'let's go get some pretty ornaments' and he ditches me!"
"I wonder why." Kakuzu mumbled.
"Well I don't give a shit, I'd rather turn into Kakuzu before going shopping with your pansy ass."
"I'm not a pansy, and I don't have any puppet fantasies! And what's wrong with going shopping with me?"
"Okay fuck this." Hidan turned around to leave but instead walked into a pole. "Ow! Mother fucker!"
"Serves you right hm!"
"Screw this stupid pole!"
"Hey Hidan." Kakuzu said.
"What do you want!"
"I'll give you a dollar if you lick this pole."
"Deal!" Hidan licked the pole and promptly got his tongue stuck to it.
"Wow, he's really stupid it's like negative 20 degrees out here and that things metal." Deidra said.
"He deserves it for saying turning into me is a bad thing."
"Gef me off dis ducking po!" Hidan yelled as best he could.
"Well let's go see if we can find Sasori." Kakuzu said. "Maybe he'd be willing to buy some decorations."
With Sasori
Damn it joints frozen can't move. Sasori thought.
"Look mommy a doll!"
Oh God no! Sasori could only watch in horror as a little girl and her mother came to look at him.
"Wow he's so realistic and life-size too!" The mother said.
"Can I have him mommy can I?"
Shit, mouth joints frozen too I can't talk!
"Oh alright why not, we can just call this an early Christmas present." The mother picked Sasori up and carried him away.
Help somebody! Leader Deidara help!
With Itachi and Kisame
"Stupid Leader didn't even give us any money to buy gifts with. And how the hell would we buy this over priced shit in the first place! Look at this, twenty dollars for a single ornament!" Kisame complained.
"These lights are bright."
"Uhh Itachi are you alright? You've been staring at those Christmas tree lights for about twenty minutes."
"I'm aware. They are rather intoxicating. The colors I am seeing right now put all others to shame."
"Yeah I think I'll just sit you down here." Kisame grabbed Itachi and pulled him away from the lights and sat him down onto a toy chest where Itachi proceeded to look at several stuffed animals.
"I think Konan would like this. What do you think?" Kisame asked as he held out an origami fox.
"Like she doesn't have enough origami already, if it was me I would incinerate you for giving me that."
"Did you get into the medicine cabinet again? I put the child locks on for a reason."
Itachi ignored him and returned to looking at a stuffed weasel. "This creature….. it is mocking me."
"It's just a toy Itachi."
Itachi didn't seem to hear him and his eyes turned into the Mangekyou Sharingan.
"Uhh Itachi….."
With Pein and Konan
"Now this is the tree for you, 8 feet tall and just look at the quality! There ain't no needles falling off this tree." The salesman proceeded to stamp the tree on the ground a few times to prove his point but upon lifting it up a rather large mound of pine needles were found to being lying on the ground. "Okay screw this tree then, let me find a better one for ya."
"All these trees look like shit, its like they kept the ones from last year. For God's sake that ones brown!" Konan ranted while Pein merely looked at her. "What?"
"You said for my sake…. so what is it?" Pein asked.
Konan sighed and rubbed her forehead..
"Alright now here's a great tree! Much better than the last!"
"Hmm." Pein said as he inspected the tree, finding nothing wrong with it he turned back to the salesman. "Alright well how much does it cost?"
"Three hundred dollars."
"Three hundred? That seems a bit overpriced, what do you think Konan?"
"Hell if I know we should've brought Kakuzu."
"Well whatever then we'll take it!" Pein said cheerily handing the salesman/conman his money. "Now lets go find the rest of the idiots and hope they haven't gotten in any trouble. Heh, fat chance."
"Where are Zetsu and Tobi anyways, did you forget to bring them?"
"Nah there just keeping guard at the base, Zetsu's rather anti-social and Tobi can't do math. I wonder what they're doing?"
With Zetsu and Tobi
"E four." Tobi said.
"You sunk my battleship. I'll kill you."
With Kakuzu and Deidara
"Well it looks like Sasori fell off the face of the earth, so lets go look for Leader then." Kakuzu said.
"He's gonna be pissed that we didn't buy anything."
"Just make clay ornaments. Wait forget I said that, I don't want to wake up on Christmas morning to get blown up by a fucking tree."
"Kakuzu, Deidara over here!" They both looked over to see Konan and Pein holding a Christmas tree and waving them over.
"Well looks like you bought something that isn't a worthless pile of shit like our stove or fridge or everything else in the base." Kakuzu said to Pein snidely.
"Well would you like to pay for better appliances?"
"Up yours, so how much did this cost?"
"Three hundred dollars."
All was silent for a moment, then a small popping noise was heard and Kakuzu fell over his heart having exploded. It didn't have an attack, it literally exploded. About five seconds later Kakuzu got back up.
"You spent that much on a Christmas tree."
"Yeah."
"I hate you. Let's get out of here before I start killing Deidara."
"What?"
"We can't leave yet we're missing four people." Konan said.
"Oh. Well the important ones are here, me and uhhh oh yeah me." Kakuzu said.
"Didn't Hidan go off with you?" Pein asked."
"Idiot got his tongue stuck to a pole." Deidara said while sniggering. "He's probably still stuck on it."
With Hidan
"BILL THOMEDY GEF ME DA FYUCK OFF DIS POLE!" Hidan yelled out to the crowd of people walking by him as best he could. But it seemed like the people walking by either didn't notice or didn't care and nobody came to help.
With Itachi and Kisame
"Well at least no one saw that it was you who started the Amaterasu fire…… even though you're the only one in the world who can do that."
"That weasel thought he was better than me, I could not allow him to get away with that. He was foolish to challenge me but now he will not be such a fool to be so foolish quickly. Hatred."
"Uhhh."
Suddenly a man appeared before them. "Wow you guys are perfect definitely! Your height and your red eyes it's perfect! How would you guys like to make a quick ten bucks?"
With the rest
Pein's group had been looking for the others for quite a while now but they still had no such luck in finding anyone. They were about to leave (which would strand everyone not in their group at the shopping complex) when suddenly a silver haired priest, drenched in blood, tackled Kakuzu to the ground and started to strangle him.
"How cud do weave me dare!" Hidan yelled at Kakuzu. Eventually Pein managed to pull Hidan off Kakuzu and everyone realized that Hidan had bit off the end of his tongue to get unstuck.
"Alright now we just need Kisame, Itachi and Sasori. Anyone have any ideas as to where they might be?" Pein asked.
Suddenly they heard a voice being broadcasted over the speakers situated throughout the complex: In just five minutes there will be a live performance of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! Everyone is welcome to come and enjoy this event!
Pein's head snapped towards the direction the play was in. "Let's rock."
After a short run to the stage the Akatsuki found themselves stuck at the back of a large crowd eagerly anticipating the holiday play. The stage was decorated with all sorts of Christmas crap, and there was a large double door at the back end of it.
"I can't see anything." Deidara said pushing Hidan out of the way.
"Just shut up, I've got a feeling that we're going to be utterly horrified by this anyways. And then you'll be happy you can't see well" Pein said.
Just then the voice on the loudspeaker came on again: And now let the play begin!
The next moment a side door opened up and a santa walked onto the stage. "Welcome ladies and gentleman." The santa told the crowd in a monotone voice.
"Holy shit." The Akatsuki said at once. "It's Itachi!"
"You know Dasher and Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen…." Itachi started to sing without reading from a script.
"Why does he know the words?" Konan wondered.
The Akatsuki were too shocked by the horrificness to reply.
"But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all…."
Just then the doors in the back opened and a large blue skinned, shark toothed, reindeer walked onto the stage.
"It's Kisame!" Deidra yelled and Hidan and Kakuzu burst out laughing at their comrades plight..
Later
"I don't want to talk about it." Kisame said hiding his face in his hands.
"Dude why the fuck didn't you just refuse!" Hidan said in between laughs (Kakuzu sewed his tongue back on on Pein's behest)
"Itachi wouldn't let me; he said it would be fun!"
"Man you're more fucked up than I thought." Hidan said turning to Itachi who used the ten bucks he got from the play to buy a stuffed weasel.
Itachi simply ignored him and the Akatsuki walked back to their car.
"Wait!" Deidara yelled suddenly. "We forgot about Sasori!"
With Sasori
Sasori, still being unable to move, was carried back to his 'buyers' car and promptly thrown in the back seat. The little girl got in and sat down next to him so she could keep her new best friend company.
"It's going to be so great I'll make your hair so wonderful and paint you too! I have all these cute stickers to put on you….." It went on and on and Sasori tried his best to keep his sanity.
I'll even take Tobi's help just somebody find me!
End of part 1
Akatsuki Winter will continue next chapter and this adventure will end with the Akatsuki's new year party thing.