This one-shot is unrelated to "The Next Obstacle" and doesn't offer any hints to how it will end- although that story is finally into the home stretch. But this should help pass the time until Chapter 16 on Friday.
"So, I was thinking of quitting my job."
That one little sentence from Ben Wyatt was destined to set up a huge night of fighting with Leslie Knope. He knew that from the start, and had been preparing accordingly for at least a couple of days. Unconsciously, he had probably been preparing for this since the day their secret relationship started, if not since the first day they met.
Once she told him about the offer for her to run for office, she did promise that they would think of something to keep their relationship going- and keep it secret. But none of her ideas seemed as likely to work as this one- at least the ones where they were out of the country until Chris either resigned or gave up his rules.
Yet no matter how much sense it made in Ben's mind, he knew it would take a few miracles for it to make sense in Leslie's. As such, they were going around in circles for the first few minutes of their debate/argument at her house.
"It makes perfect sense, Leslie," Ben stated for the fourth time already. "I resign as Assistant City Manager, wait around for a week or two, and then join your campaign as a way to pay the bills. Then we can gradually start seeing each other publicly, and by the time they find out, it won't be a scandal! Relationships between single candidates and campaign staffers aren't as scandalous as ones between single parks directors and their boss."
"You think Joan and Perd and the others care about that?" Leslie argued back. "They'll figure out that we were scandalous well before you quit, and if they don't, they'll lie and say they figured it out! Then I'll get fired and lose, and you won't have any job to fall back on!"
"There's no real evidence of when we started this, so we can still deny it. And if we can't, we'll just tell everyone everything and show them why it wasn't sleazy, or a conflict of interest. It's more funny than sleazy, actually….and I'm sure you can convince them of it."
"I shouldn't have to, and neither should you! You're gonna give up everything because you think I can convince Joan?"
And once again they were at the center of this whole dispute, at least in Ben's mind. "I'm not giving up everything, just my job. And that doesn't mean as much to me as it used to."
"Because you're not thinking straight!"
"So wanting to be with you rather than keep my job isn't thinking straight?"
"Good, you're still sane enough to know that. Now maybe we can take a step back and think of actual ideas." Leslie managed to sound light and bubbly again now that she was relieved, although for once, Ben wasn't happy to see her smile like that.
"This is the only real idea that will let us be together out in the open. And I know you know that."
"But I also know that a better idea is bound to show itself if we wait a while longer," Leslie assured him.
"And how long is 'a while longer'? Until the election? Until you become Mayor, or Governor or President? If we're both still in government when this comes out, it'll be a scandal no matter what. One of us has to leave government for at least a while, and there's no way it's going to be you, so it has to be me."
"There's no way either of us has to leave! You….you just can't not be in government! You wanted to get back in office to redeem yourself for Ice Town, remember?"
"I think I'm redeemed enough already, thanks to you and Pawnee. I don't need to work in government to feel better about the past anymore. I have better priorities now," Ben said in hopes that would be flattering or romantic enough.
"Well, your priorities are kinda messed up right now," Leslie said, dashing Ben's brief hopes that this could end faster. "I know you, Ben. I know you can't be happy or fulfilled without being in government and helping people. Being away from that would kill you, and I'm not going to let you kill yourself for me. I couldn't live with myself if that happened."
"It wouldn't be killing myself," Ben tried to assure Leslie once again. "If I'm with you openly, none of that will matter to me."
"Well, it should! This is why we need stuff like Operation Shutdown, so we can think things out more clearly!"
"I am thinking clearly…." Ben pushed on, although he was starting to hit a wall.
"Not if you want to leave the only thing you've ever loved to be in. So we're gonna call it a night, and think of better solutions when both our heads are on straight," With that argument, Leslie unintentionally gave Ben's argument some new life.
"You don't want solutions where we can be together and have a regular relationship. You just want solutions that'll keep this a secret. Have you thought of any ideas where we can come out as a real couple before the next decade? Or next half-century?"
"If no real ideas exist right now, you can't blame me for not thinking about them," Leslie insisted. "That's why we have to focus on secret keeping until things change."
"Things aren't going to change on their own, Leslie. Chris isn't budging on his rule and he's not going anywhere. And the media isn't going to decide on their own that stories like this aren't news worthy."
"They might when Joan's contract runs out…..in about five years. But that's less than a decade or half-century, so that's good!" Leslie tried to cover up.
"It isn't good for me or us. Me quitting is the only real thing that will work now. And I keep telling you that it doesn't bother me as long as I have you. It's not like I'm asking you to quit or not to run for office, I could never do that. You'll still get to run and win, and I'll get to be right on your arm when you do….and then I'll find a new job in your administration that isn't scandalous. It's win-win for everyone."
"Not if there is no administration. If this gets out, there won't be one, and we'll both have nothing," Leslie insisted.
"If we're still together, it won't be nothing. And who says you'd lose even if it did get out? You'll find a way to get past it, you can get past anything."
"Not this, and not if it means you giving up your job."
"I want to give up my job. Honestly, I've wanted to do it for some time now," Ben rambled on, not caring to hold this stuff back much longer. "I've pretty much wanted to do it since our first kiss….at least consciously. Unconsciously, I've probably wanted to do it since you first asked me out…..if not earlier than that."
"Oh my God…." Leslie trailed off, leaving Ben hoping against hope that it was a good kind of oh my God. "I've poisoned you more than I thought….oh God, this is so bad."
Now Ben was getting less exasperated, and more annoyed at Leslie's refusal to accept he would give up his job for her willingly. "Why is it so bad? Is it that much of a crime to want you more than my job? I know you don't want me more than your job, and I've respected that…..although I could have found reasons not to. But you don't have to choose between me and the job, because I already chose you!"
"Well, you can't choose me!" Usually, this kind of certainty and fight in Leslie would make Ben swoon- but for the first time, that wasn't the case. "Ben, you'd never want to give up everything if it wasn't for me. You love your work too much to do that,"
"I keep telling you, I don't love it enough to lose you over it, and that's okay for me. Why isn't it okay for you?"
"It wouldn't be okay for you if I decided to quit for you. So why isn't it okay for me to try and save your career?"
"Because I don't want that career, I just want you," Ben said with increased exhaustion.
"Well, I'm not going to let you choose between one or the other. You can still have both, and we're both going to have both," Leslie guaranteed.
"Leslie, we'll never have both as long as we have to keep us a secret. Once I quit, we will have it all."
"Just having me isn't having it all, that's just having half. That's science, Ben, and our side doesn't argue with science."
"What if I think just having you is having it all?"
"Then you've been brainwashed!" Leslie yelled, past caring how that sounded to Ben and even to her. "I know the real Ben, and he would hate being out of the loop, no matter what he thinks of me! If he really couldn't stay away from government, he would have quit public service after being impeached! Even that didn't stop you from coming back, and that ruined your life for 17 years! And leaving now would ruin your life just as much, no matter what brainwashed Ben is saying!"
"We're not gonna let the brainwashed Ben win, okay real Ben? We're going to tough this out and wait for when we can come out together and still have our great careers! And if we have to wait a few months, or a year, or until we're both in the White House in exactly 20 years, then that's what we're going to do!"
"And it doesn't matter how much any Ben says you're worth more than a stupid career to him?" Ben all but whispered.
"Nope, because no Ben would really believe that! That's why I'm not going to, and why I won't let you either. You deserve so much more than that."
Ben just stayed quiet for a few seconds, as Leslie hoped that the 'real Ben' was taking control again. "This is a lot to take in," Ben finally said. "I should go to the bathroom before we start fighting the other Ben again."
"Good, you do that for both Bens," a relieved Leslie answered. As Ben made his way to the bathroom, Leslie finally let herself relax and get back to her usual happy self. Bringing Ben back to reality took a lot out of her, but it was worth the risk to her demeanor and her voice. This made her content for a few minutes- until she noticed that Ben hadn't come out of her bathroom yet.
There were gross reasons for why that might be, but Leslie would have….detected them by now. So she felt safe enough to tiptoe towards the bathroom door and try to listen in.
Once she got a few feet away, her ears picked up something more troubling than body functions- the dialing of a cell phone.
And before she could barge in, she heard the even worse sound of the bathroom door being locked. She then heard Ben's voice completing the rotten trifecta. "I'm sorry Leslie, but I like the brainwashed Ben. So I'm merging with him and calling Chris with our resignation."
"What? I thought we just proved he was wrong with science! Blind him with science and make him come to his senses, it's not too late!" Leslie asked while trying to open the locked door.
"I'm sorry, but it is. None of us Bens want to work in a job that keeps us from you anymore."
"Then I'll…..then I'll dump them all if they quit! At least with me gone, they can beg Chris for their job back once they're sane again!" With that, the cell phone dialing stopped.
"You don't want to do that…." Ben tried to insist.
"No, but I will if it'll save you. That's how much you mean to me, Ben," Leslie concluded.
"So that's how you prove how much I mean to you….and not…..well then, here's my proof. I'm making that call, and after I quit, one of two things will happen. You'll decide to be with me anyway, and we'll have our better life together. Or you'll dump me, and I'll have to leave Pawnee forever to get away from the hurt and pain. Either way, I am leaving my job…..it's up to you what I do after that."
"You…..you don't want to leave Pawnee if I dump you…." Leslie tried to insist.
"No, but I'll have no choice. So we're both threatening to do things we don't want to do. We won't have to, if you'd just believe me when I say I only want you."
"But….but you're not thinking straight….you can't lose everything for me…." Leslie said weaker than usual.
"Then listen in while I prove it to you."
With that, Leslie heard Ben dial the last few numbers, then heard nothing else for several seconds. But when she heard Ben say "Hello, Chris?" she tried to drown it out by trying to open the door.
"Chris, whatever he says, he's pulling an April Fools prank 10 months early, okay?" But if Chris could actually hear her, Ben wasn't saying. All he said was "I'm sorry to tell you this, but….I'm tending my resignation as Assistant City Manager."
"He's not sorry, because he doesn't mean it, okay?" Leslie called out again. But she could hear Ben going on as if none of them heard her. "It's not you, Chris….I just want to find something different, that's all. Yeah…..yeah, I'll miss you too, but we'll still be friends. I'm just glad you understand."
"There's nothing to understand, Chris, don't lie to him and say there is!" Leslie called out, even though she knew in her heart that Chris couldn't hear her. Behind the door, Ben wrapped up the call. "Yeah…all right, I'll give you my official letter of resignation tomorrow. But I'm no longer a government employee as of now. Okay, bye."
"Ben! Ben, where's that letter? We can still burn it up and make it an April Fools punchline, it's not too late!" Leslie brainstormed.
"It is….I quit and I was happy to do it," Ben answered behind the door. "Now the only thing that'll make me unhappy is if you dump me for it. And you don't really want to do that."
"If I can't find the letter, it's my last option left to save you!"
"And why do I need to be saved?"
"BECAUSE I'M NOT WORTH IT!" Leslie answered in a yell that took the last bit of energy and strength out of it. "I'm just…..I'm just not worth it…..not worth something like this….I can't be worth that much to you…..I just can't…."
Leslie somehow stopped herself from rambling and just slumped down to the floor, leaning on the door and at a loss on how to follow that up. But trying to think of ways to stop Ben was finally taking its toll, and she had almost nothing left…..especially since she wrapped it up with the biggest argument of all.
"I have been reading this all wrong."
Once Ben said that, Leslie had fresh hope that it had worked. But after all the other false hopes tonight, she was preparing herself for the bottom to fall out.
"I thought the main obstacle to our relationship was that you wouldn't think I was worth it. Clearly, part of you does think that. But you actually think that you're not worth it even more. I'm so used to you being so confident and powerful that I didn't think of that, but I should have seen the signs. I know you do think highly of yourself….just not as much as you have a right to."
"If you thought you could possibly be worth that much, you wouldn't have tried so hard to avoid getting together. You'd realize that it's you, and not Ann, who's the most beautiful woman Pawnee's ever seen. And you wouldn't have cared one bit if we got caught and you got fired…. because you'd know that the Parks Department and lots of other people would shut Pawnee down until you got your job back. And even if I had to be fired as part of a compromise, it wouldn't matter to you because you'd know how little that means to me….and you'd actually take my word for it."
"I don't know why you think you're not worth all that. But even if you don't believe it, you can let me do it for you. You can believe me when I say I won't miss government if I have you….and if I do, you can torture me however you want for lying to you. In fact….."
After a very uncomfortable minute of silence for Leslie, she saw a folded piece of paper being slid through the bottom of the door. She opened it just as Ben started to explain what it was. "That's a pledge that states if I ever regret choosing you, you can lock me in the library with Jerry for 72 hours straight. I'll even get that notarized tomorrow so it's legally binding, if I have to. That's how much I'd hate it if I ever regretted my choice, which I won't."
"No…no, then you'll lie and say you don't regret it so you don't get killed in the library," Leslie countered, although her resistance did sound weaker.
"Who would even offer to lock themselves in a library with Jerry, for any reason? If I'm ready to do that if this doesn't work, that should say quite a bit. I'd deserve nothing less for hurting you," Ben reasoned. "But I've tried everything to prove that it wouldn't happen, and that losing my career for you is the best thing I've ever done. Will you…..will you please just believe me and believe that you could mean that much? Otherwise my life really will be ruined…."
Now Ben figured he should stop himself before he went too over the top. In fact, while he waited for Leslie to answer, he realized that he might have already crossed that line. He was acting no different than all those people in bad romance movies, who acted like obsessed borderline stalkers until their loves finally caved in- and that felt more like the aftereffects of Stockholm Syndrome than true love. Was that what this was turning into?
"Oh geez…..I'm being as demanding and stubborn as you were before I went into the bathroom," Ben resigned. "Look, Leslie….."
"Yes. Yes, I believe you."
That was a sentence that Ben almost gave up on hearing several times tonight. Now that he had heard it, he was the skeptical one. "Are you sure? I don't want you to believe me because I forced you to, or because you're trying to stop me from moving. Because-"
"You're acting like those stalkers in the romance movies, I know. But I still believe you. I mean, with all my dreams and my hopes of being mayor, and all the great things I've done since you got here….why would I think that little of myself? And, and I've fought for lots and festivals and gazebos without a second thought! But I haven't done that for you, and I love you more than those things that have much less kissable faces. I guess that scared me too much…..but I guess I can believe your faith in me until I get some of my own, okay?"
Ben all but tuned her out after she said "love" so he was probably saying "yes" more than he intended to. When he came to, he got enough strength to open the door and give her a big love/apology hug. But after 10 seconds, he realized what he was still holding in his hand- and the explanation he'd have to give her.
Yet when Leslie broke apart, she noticed what he was holding. His cell phone with Chris's number on it- although it hadn't been called.
"You didn't call him…..but you said, and then he didn't listen to me, and he….." Leslie was starting to realize that Ben was sneakier than she thought- and briefly wondered why he wasn't that skilled when trying to hide their relationship. Yet perhaps he had underestimated himself until now, just like she had- or he really wasn't that motivated to sneak around before.
"I may have offered to be in the library with Jerry, but I'm not suicidal enough to resign before I got your permission," Ben explained. "But….now that my trick helped me get your permission…." he said hopefully as he backed towards the bathroom again.
"You should probably lock yourself back in before I call your library Jerry bluff, mister!" Leslie threatened- but it was the most playful threat she had made all night. That made Ben much more relieved and happy to lock himself in the bathroom this time- and actually finish his call to Chris.
This time, Leslie didn't bother to listen in, as she returned to her couch and waited for her soon-to-be no longer secret, no longer employed boyfriend to return.
Technically, Ben did browbeat her just like most romantic movie couples browbeat each other into falling in love. She tried to be the noble one and she was painted to be the bad guy who hated herself. But….maybe those tactics did work for a reason other than lazy screenwriting.
Leslie just realized herself that she actually said she loved him. Just admitting it on a conscious level, let along out loud, was quite….freeing. If Ben really felt the same way, then maybe she could understand why losing a job that meant everything was so easy for him- and the lengths he was going through to help make her dreams come true. Of course, they could probably still be dashed once they were openly together and it became a scandal- but for the first time, she thought it could rather than that it would.
If Ben really did love her this much, no matter how much she reminded him of the risk, then she owed it to him to make it worth his while. She owed it to him to ride this out and fight if this did become a scandal- especially after she tried for months to avoid such a fight. And she owed it to her personal and professional future- especially now that both of them looked brighter than ever before.
And much of that was due to the unemployed, now only semi-secret boyfriend that once more emerged from the bathroom.
So for the first time on this historic night, Leslie turned her brain and fears off as she went to welcome Ben back. But not before her brain vowed to make him spend 96 hours with the library and Jerry if this didn't work out- just in case.