This was written for the Dragon Age big bang and I thought I'd publish this here as well. The full sex scene is on ao3. Thanks a bunch to my beta AngelicSentinel and my artist yesterdaysluminary from tumblr. Her wonderful art is the cover art. :3
The scent of blood and metal permeated the battlefield. They were in a field at the edge of the forest and thank God too because any further in and they'd be even more north - Old Religion territory - than they were. Closer to the forest, the Old Religion's banner, a half raven woman watching the battle field with piercing eyes was held up for all to see. The person that held the banner of the New Religion had fallen not long ago. Theirs held a shield with two people holding a single sword up, one man and one woman.
Cassandra's kin were dying fast, and she wondered briefly if she would die here as well. Her clan of the New Religion outnumbered the Old, but it seemed as if they were more skillful than her kinsmen. Not to mention, the Old Religion had the mages at their side, turning the battlefield into a slaughter.
Cassandra ducked as a sword almost cut off her head before shoving the man on his back with her shield. He stumbled up then got a bearing on the ground, but before he could attack again, she hacked off his arm and ran him through with her sword.
The battle dragged on. She took out as many as she could, but they were never-ending. The mages were the toughest, though their warriors were nothing shy of great. Being the leader of her clan, it had been her responsibility to figure out who would go into battle. If she had known that the battle would be like this, she wouldn't have sent mere children still wet behind the ears. She had thought sixteen years old was a great age to start, but at this slaughter, Cassandra knew she had made a mistake. She fought on anyway.
Cassandra was battling a fierce warrior when she caught sight of a ghost she hadn't seen in years. The sight of him reignited her ferocity as well as her rage. Lucius. He looked the same as before only older, and his brown hair had now turned grey. It wasn't tied in a thong but slicked back and shorter.
Her gaze snapped back to her current battle. The man lunged at her leaving his side open. She quickly pierced that side, and he fell to the ground. She put all of her weight in the final blow through his chest as her eyes went back to Lucius.
The battle faded, her heart sped up, and she gripped her sword tight. All of Lucius' past transgressions melted into the present and she narrowed her eyes, the urge to give him as much pain as he has given her through the years surfacing.
"Lucius." The word slipped from her mouth without much notice despite all of the hate and venom wrapped into it. Cassandra stared transfixed at his brutal killing of their - no her - kin. Someone yelled her name, and she snapped out of it. Cassandra gripped her sword and shield even harder, a sharp pain traveling up the length of her arms, before she took off running towards him, red filling her vision. He killed her entire family and some of her clan; nothing would be more fitting than for her to kill him in the same way.
He didn't notice her sprinting towards him until after he cleaved the head off of a young warrior. "Cassandra. Long time since we last met."
She gritted her teeth as she brought her sword down on his head. He deflected it with his own. Cassandra tried again, but he jumped backwards. Then after a pause, he smirked and took off towards the forest.
Coward. But she expected no less. The fire in her veins kindled as she ran after him. She couldn't think clearly. All she felt was rage. Cassandra was going to make him pay for everything he had done and more. No coward deserved to breathe the same air as she, much less keep his life when her family had not. The forest was thick and vines and branches were everywhere as well as tall trees that covered the sun and sky. She could barely see him running in front of her, but she could hear him all the same. This was the Old Religion's territory. A voice of reason in the back of her mind demanded that she turn back now. Cassandra was no fool. She could recognise a trap when she saw one. But with the blood pounding in her ears, she could hear nothing but the steady rhythm that demanded revenge.
Lucius stopped in a clearing, an infuriating smirk stretched upon his lips. Cassandra vowed to wipe it off.
"Coward," she spat out before charging towards him and swinging her sword towards his head. He ducked down.
He tsked. "Separating yourself from everybody was the worst thing you could do. Stupidity on your part."
She ignored him. Cassandra was not stupid. And she would not tolerate a traitor calling her such. She would kill him with this blow. Putting all of her strength in the blow, she swung at him, but he dodged fluidly. He moved behind her and dug his blade into her back.
"Didn't I tell you Cassandra? Stupid." She responded with silence. "You're brash. You think with your emotions. And they chose you to be chieftain over me?" He chuckled as if the fact pained him.
Before she could say anything, he stabbed her leg and she fell to her knees before he ran his sword through her. A sharp pain bloomed in the area close to her heart and thighs. Black spots littered her vision and sounds became a buzzing in her ear. She fell to the ground and watched with swimming vision as Lucius walked away from her. Then, Cassandra blacked out.
Cassandra's body hurt. She opened her eyes and quickly covered them from the painful light. Sharp pain shot through her chest at the movement, and she cried out.
Why was she hurting? What happened?
Finally, when her eyes adjusted to the light, she looked around at the cottage she was in. Cassandra lay on a bed wrapped in a white sheet, bandages around her torso and leg, but otherwise naked. A chest sat at the end of her bed. The cottage had one room. In the middle lay a table that held healing and cooking herbs, flowers along with cooking bowls, a wooden spoon, and a book at the end of the table. Sunlight streamed through the windows at both sides of the cottage. The door at the front of the house only let in a sliver of light.
Where was she? What was she doing here? Cassandra didn't dare try to move; the pain was too sharp, and her body felt weak.
Then everything that happened came back to her and rage resurfaced. Lucius. He stabbed her through the chest. How was she still alive? Someone must have taken care of her. Was it one of her tribe? Or perhaps someone else?
Not long after, a pretty woman with short red hair walked through the door, arms full of apples, pears, peaches, and herbs and closed the door with her foot. She set the objects down on the table before grinding herbs with a pestle in a mortar and putting the product in a mixing bowl.
Cassandra had never seen her before. She wore no armor or recognizable clothing, only mere rags fashioned into something that draped over her body like a tunic, but larger than normal and not unlike water would on rock. The woman starting humming a happy tune underneath her breath as she smiled at the bowl, a dreamy look on her face. Cassandra grew curious. It had been a long time since she had seen anyone act so relaxed and free. She must not be from a tribe around here. So they were alone then? Did she not have any people?
When the woman was done, she turned to look at Cassandra and jumped slightly. "Oh dear. Have you been up the whole time?"
"Yes," Cassandra croaked. She didn't notice it before, but her throat felt like sandpaper. She swallowed thickly.
"How are you feeling? Do you need more numbing paste?"
"Please. Water too."
The woman smacked her forehead. "Water. That's what I forgot. Sorry about that."
She came to her side with a bowl full of water and held it up to her lips. The taste was nirvana and Cassandra sighed as the liquid went down her throat. Afterwards, the woman went and retrieved the bowl with the herbs and threw what was in it with another bowl of paste. The woman threw the sheet to the side before unwrapping her bandages and rubbing the paste on her wounds. Cassandra grimaced. Even with the barely there touch, the woman's hand felt like heavy stone. When the woman was done, she wrapped the bandage and sheet back around her.
Cassandra studied the woman as she went to leave. "Who are you?" she said as the question flitted through her mind.
"Leliana," the woman said before shaking her hand. Weird. No one in her clan had ever done such a thing to her before. Was this a custom in her clan?
"Cassandra."
"What a beautiful name. Cassandra." Leliana said her name as if trying it on her tongue. "I've never met anyone named Cassandra before." Leliana let go of her hand, sat on the stool by her bed, and grabbed a washcloth out of a bowl of water before dabbing Cassandra's forehead. "You've been sleeping for at least a fortnight. I didn't know if you would make it."
"And you still took care of me?"
"We are all the Goddess' children. It is in my nature to help when I can."
Wait - Leliana worshipped the Goddess? That meant that she was of the Old Religion. So that meant while her people had suffered, she had been taken care of the enemy? A pang of guilt shot through her.
"You are of the Old Religion, then."
While she felt guilty, it was not Leliana's fault. Leliana was kind enough to take her in and nurse her back to health, so she had no qualms with her, but while she laid here, her kin were somewhere fighting a war. She kept imagining them calling her a traitor. When she returned, would that be the case?
"I am, actually. I'm guessing you're from that religion that worships that God… What was his name again?"
"Sadusel."
"That's the one!"
That was a first. People from either side never truly spoke of the other religion's deity often. Cassandra didn't even know the Goddess' name other than that title and sometimes in other vague, usually offensive words. She had assumed it was same way for both sides.
"Do you have a clan?"
Leliana grew silent, look contemplative as if she didn't quite know herself. Odd. Everyone should know if they have a clan or not. After a few seconds passed, Leliana said, "I guess I don't."
So she practiced the Old Religion, but didn't consider them her kin? What had happened? Cassandra wanted to ask but knew now was not the time to ask something so personal.
"What about you?" Leliana asked. "Do you have a family?"
"I do." And she needed to get to them as soon as possible. But going now would be an impossible task - unfortunately - but when she got better, she'd return.
"The Goddess is odd. She gives you a family and sometimes they're right and sometimes they're not. Family is important, and it's a shame when she gets it wrong." Leliana had this faraway look on her face. One part longing and the other as if she was back in the past. Then, like a flip of a coin, she snapped out of it, discarded the washcloth back in the bowl, and stood up. "I bet you're hungry." Leliana went to the table and started cutting herbs - some of which she knew like rosemary and oregano and others she had seen before but couldn't identify - and celery and carrots even before Cassandra answered.
She wasn't really hungry, but to heal quickly, she had to eat as much as she could.
Cassandra watched as Leliana quickly made...whatever she was making. Leliana's gaze was intense, focused on the task. She didn't have that relaxed look from before and didn't hum. Just silence and Cassandra knew that whatever she was thinking before, she was running away from it. Most likely the demon that the topic of her family must be. Cassandra wanted to know why.
When she was done cutting the herbs and vegetables, she mixed them with dough, then left the cottage and didn't return for a good chunk of time. She came back with what appeared to be a baked piece of round bread. She handed it to Cassandra and didn't say a word, just sat back down on her stool. They stared at each other awkwardly after that. It was broken by Leliana saying, "Well eat it, silly. I didn't bake it for nothing."
Cassandra nodded and took a bite. The outside of it was crispy, but the inside blasted her with flavor. The combination of the rosemary and oregano with the celery and carrots went well with the soft inside to make the perfect bread. Cassandra scarfed it down, hunger that she thought wasn't there surfaced.
"What is this? Where did you learn how to make it? It's magnificent."
"Well," her smile sunk slightly, "someone I once knew taught me. It's called Vanaica further north." She was back to that contemplative look. Her eyebrows were drawn as if she was trying to remember something, but that expression faded a couple seconds later.
"Who taught you? Where I'm from, family teaches you such things."
"You could say she was my first love. Before I lived out here, I lived on an island by the north tip of the country. She taught me all I know."
Leliana had a girl lover? She had heard of such things, but it was uncommon and she had never met any women who had. It didn't bother her, but the thought sunk itself into her mind.
"Did you grow up on the island?"
"No I just lived there for a time."
Did she move around a lot? Sounded a lot more exciting than her life. Cassandra just went where they needed to go, if they moved at all. Seeing as she was their leader, she couldn't explore as much as the scouts did.
They mostly stayed south and rarely went north - where the Old Religion was at its strongest - except for times of war or when they needed something north that they couldn't get south. They moved on foot, horses too expensive to trade with the islands that held them.
She wondered where her clan was now. Probably looking for her. But then again, they probably thought she was dead. Would they still be looking even after all of this time?
"You should go to sleep now. Preserve your strength."
Cassandra had so many other questions. She didn't want to just go to sleep. Just wanted to ask all of them even if she did feel tired.
She went to open her mouth to ask, but Leliana left to get something before she could. Her eyelids grew heavy not long after and she fell asleep quickly.
The next morning was cloudy and grey and the faint smell of rain trailed in with the wind through the window: A storm was coming. Leliana must have realized that too. All morning, Leliana was back and forth, inside and out of the cottage getting everything ready by boarding up the windows and doing other things outside that Cassandra had no idea what. When she came back the final time, she was soaking wet. Thunder boomed in the distance and lightning illuminated the house in an eerie light.
Leliana trudged towards the bed to the chest at the bottom of it. She stepped out of her clothing and Cassandra couldn't stop staring. Her eyes devoured the sight of her naked body. Her breasts were the perfect size, small but still plump. And her skin was a smooth ivory. Before she could process anything more, though she intentionally put her reaction to the back of her mind to forget about her body's confusing reaction, Leliana grabbed a long white dress and put it on. It was better quality than the usual rags she wore: long and flowy, jewels dotted the top and middle where gold wrapped around her neck and waist. To see such an extravagant dress here? Usually someone would have to travel across the sea to another continent to get such a fine dress. Did Leliana really go that far in her travels?
"That's a pretty dress," Cassandra said. "I've never seen anything like it before."
"It's not from around here. I bought when I was traveling in Zonda."
Cassandra didn't even know where that was. "Interesting. You've been to a lot of places, then. I'm envious. I haven't even explored all of this country yet, much less wherever this Zonda place is."
She hung her wet clothes over a chair at the other side of the cottage and then came back and sat down on her stool. "You shouldn't be envious of me. I'd much prefer your life to mine. And Zonda is across the sea on a large continent called Hakifa."
The detail about Zonda flew over her head as the words before drew her attention. Why would she be jealous? Leliana's life thus far was much more exciting than Cassandra's. Cassandra didn't ask the questions shifting in her mind right away. Moments pass until she decided to just speak her mind. "What do you have to be envious of? You've seen and done things I couldn't even imagine."
"But you have a family, a place called home. Traveling never makes the ache for those things go away." Thunder crashed followed by lightning. Leliana smiled, though it ended looking more like a grimace before her gaze moved to the window and then her expression morphed into something wistful. "Storms are wonderful, aren't they? They bring rain to the flowers. Lightning flashes across the sky as if it is dancing..."
"Yeah, they are. Just inconvenient most of the time."
Before Cassandra could say something more, Leliana snapped her gaze back to her. "Let's become friends."
Random. But Cassandra nodded. "I would like that." And she would. While she didn't know why her body had reacted the way it had earlier seeing as she never had any interest in another woman before, the urge to be closer to her also surfaced. Being friends would accomplish that. Though when she thought about it more, guilt crawled up her throat. What would her kin think? She made friends with the enemy and she genuinely liked Leliana. Retracting the statement would be for the best. It would relieve this feeling, and she wouldn't be a traitor. But when she went to speak, she couldn't; the words seemed lodged in her throat. Leliana was smiling, giddy as can be, and Cassandra couldn't ruin that. Not when Cassandra liked her so much, not to mention she saved her life.
Leliana took her hands and leaned in closer. Her skin tingled where they touched. "I'm glad." She laughed and leaned back, posture straightening, dropping her hands to the side. "Sorry I get over eager. I just - I just am so happy. I haven't had a friend in a long time."
Cassandra could relate. She didn't have friends per se, but others of her clan. Did that count? Cassandra held her tongue about it, in case it did.
Another bout of thunder and lightning and then, Leliana spoke, "I want to know more about you. Where are you from? Why were you left in the middle of the forest close to death?"
Cassandra paused. Was this smart? How much should she tell her? "My kinsmen and I constantly move, but not far."
Leliana tilted her head. "I have not seen anyone from your tribe, other than you of course, for the entirety of my stay here."
"The forest is big, though we stay mostly to the south."
Leliana nodded. They both grew quiet after that, the storm outside filling the silence. Cassandra looked out the window through the cracks of the boards at the rain, what she was going to do next on her mind. Seeing as her wound wasn't healed all the way, she'd have to stay here for another fortnight at least. What happened to her kinsmen when she left? Probably nothing good, she was sure. The Old Religion was slaughtering them the last she knew. Were they even alive still? She cursed her brashness as she'd done many times before. Why did she let her emotions guide her? They needed her and she failed them. She abandoned them for revenge. But she could feel it in her chest: they were alive. They would have retreated when it was certain they would lose.
After a while, Cassandra felt pressure on her bed and warmth at her arm. She turned her head to see that Leliana had fallen asleep and her head rested beside her arm.
Leliana was really pretty, she noticed. Cassandra could smell her scent; a blend of cinnamon and the forest; a mix that felt like home. Freckles were scattered on her face like stars, eyes a shade of blue that reminded her of the ocean, and lips plump and a red that matched her hair.
Wait - was her heart pounding? That feeling before wasn't just a one time thing, then? She felt true desire for Leliana? This made no sense. She just met her. Why was her body reacting this way?
Cassandra turned back to the window and calmed her pulse as she was startling aware of Leliana. She stayed like that until a loud crack of thunder boomed and Leliana surged up.
Cassandra turned towards her.
"How embarrassing. I didn't mean to fall asleep on you."
"Don't worry about it."
They talked for the remainder of the storm. Cassandra's kinsmen were put to the back of her mind as Leliana replaced them. She liked to tell stories, Cassandra found out as she told her tales about her travels. Cassandra was captivated. Leliana spun each one with a bit of humor, voice smooth as she talked animatedly. Listening to her voice made things much more exciting than if it was told by someone else. Not that her stories weren't exciting by themselves. It was a mixture of both the way she told them and the stories that had her so transfixed. Cassandra laughed - something she hadn't done in what felt like forever - and had the most fun since...she couldn't even remember. By the end of the day, Cassandra didn't want to go to sleep and didn't want any of it to end.
Leliana decided to go all out for a dinner the next day.
"Why?" Cassandra asked when Leliana told her the plan.
"To celebrate," she said, never expanding on it. Cassandra didn't ask, but wanted to as she watched Leliana rush around the house as well as going in and out getting everything ready. When she was done, the table was full of all sorts of dishes, some she didn't even know.
"What do you want?" Leliana asked.
Cassandra scanned her eyes over the food. It all looked good. There were two different kinds of bread: the round bread from earlier and loaves, a fruit dish that was mixed with something she didn't know, but it looked appetizing, and other similar dishes. She couldn't make up her mind. "Everything."
Leliana then made her a plate and gave it to her. Cassandra ate with vigour, avoiding aggravating her wounds as she spooned the food into her mouth. Leliana laughed at her eagerness.
"What? I was hungry," Cassandra eventually said after she had sated her hunger.
Leliana didn't reply, just continued to laugh until it tapered out. Then she started to eat her food with a smile.
There was a lot of food left. Wasteful. But she couldn't deny that she was happy Leliana made everything. Even if she did eat like a pig in front of her.
Leliana disposed of the food and came back and sat at her side on the stool.
Though she usually wasn't prone to get into other people's business, she felt now that they were friends, personal questions, to an extent, were more appropriate than before.
"Why do you not consider the Old Religion your kinsmen?" Cassandra asked. The question had been at the back of her mind since Leliana had first said that she didn't have a clan.
Leliana looked taken aback.
Then her expression morphed into something neutral. "It's simple really. I did something that they'll never forgive."
What did she do? Cassandra couldn't imagine it was really so terrible, but something welled up inside of her and the thought of Lucius came back. Was Leliana like him? Cassandra really hoped not. "What happened?"
Leliana paused before saying carefully, "I was foolish when I was young. Thought I could do things that I obviously couldn't. I made a promise and turned my back on it while making sure they couldn't keep it. Not one of my finer days, but I suppose it must have been done."
Cassandra wondered what the promise was. Was it really so horrendous that Leliana had to separate from her clan and be written off?
She knew that if Leliana really wanted to tell her about that part of her past, she would've, but she couldn't help but wonder, the question on the tip of her tongue.
"I'm sorry that happened to you," she said instead. "Especially to have to live alone in the middle of nowhere."
"It's fine. It's done and over."
"But still. Some scars run deep."
Leliana's face softened as her lips tugged up. "Thank you for your concern, but I'm fine. Really."
Cassandra wondered about that. Could she really be fine as she said she was? But she guessed Leliana had to be. Staying in the past was like swimming against the current and Leliana had shown no signs of that. Her eyes didn't hold that look and her demeanor was normal. But then again, Leliana could be good at hiding things.
The room lapsed into silence after that. Leliana got a book from her trunk and started reading while Cassandra stared out the window.
Briefly, the thought about Leliana's woman lover came into her mind. She had never thought about taking a woman as a lover - had never thought she felt any feeling of desire towards one until now. She had only taken a man as a lover once so she was no expert, but her body didn't lie. Women were pretty. She enjoyed their company, sometimes more than men. Did that mean she would enjoy having them as a lover too?
Her sexuality had always come second to everything, so she never had a chance to explore that side of herself.
'What if' questions bombarded her mind. The thought of her in such a relationship wouldn't leave her mind.
That night when she went to sleep, she dreamt of soft lips.
The next day, Cassandra felt better, but she could feel fever grip her not long after she woke. It didn't take long for Leliana to notice.
"You're burning up, aren't you?"
Cassandra nodded. And Leliana took the bowl of water outside before coming back in with an herb in her hand and a fresh bowl of water.
"Eat this." Leliana handed the herb to Cassandra and then started dabbing her forehead. "Does that feel better?" Leliana asked softly.
Her heart sped up and her throat went dry. Leliana's face was close enough Cassandra could see all of her freckles. There was one on her lip and Cassandra had the sudden urge to kiss it.
Leliana put the washcloth in the bowl and then leaned back.
The sun set not long after and they watched it from the window. It was more interesting with Leliana with her. As they watched it set, Leliana told her the origin story of why her people thought it set. Cassandra listened enraptured. When she was done, they went to sleep.
Time passed in the same fashion. Her crush on Leliana grew like a vine until she felt something more, though Cassandra wasn't sure what that something more was, or most likely the case, she didn't want to admit it to herself.
They spent their days and nights together, rarely separated. Cassandra healed to the point of being able to at least move from the bed, but Leliana had to help her walk places. Cassandra didn't mind. She was just relieved to be able to get out of bed.
One day, Leliana decided to take her outside. "I want you to see my garden," she said. Cassandra laid in bed and Leliana sat on the stool.
Cassandra turned her head. "Okay."
Leliana put Cassanda's arm around her neck before helping her up. Cassandra flushed. And she did her best to suppress it as they made their way outside.
It was beautiful outside. She had only seen a bit of it through the window and it did it no justice. The cottage sat in a clearing and a meadow covered in colorful wild flowers. A fire pit lay in the middle. The sun was bright and she threw her head up to soak it up.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?"
Cassandra wanted to lie down, watch the clouds, and hug Leliana to her chest. They came to a stop close to the trees where rows of herbs and vegetables, that she had seen in dishes and healing mixtures, were growing.
"I've had this garden for two years now. I've never shown anyone. Here." She set Cassandra down on the ground and picked a herb and gave it to her before laying down beside her. "They say that whoever eats this will have good luck."
"Do you believe that?"
"Of course not. But such fancies keep the world magical and alive."
"Can you use magic, Leliana?"
It, for some reason, never dawned on her to ask until now. Leliana was of the Old Religion and they were the only known group to use magic.
"Goddess no. The amount of training for that would take too long."
Understandable. She was the same way with skills such as poison making and blacksmithing. Useful, but they took an expert to do well, and she couldn't afford the time it took to become one.
"Did you ever feel lonely in those two years? It's a long time to live by yourself."
"We all feel lonely whether we have twenty people around us or none. At least here, I can be close to the Goddess. There's purpose here."
"I understand." And she did. Even with her kinsmen, she felt lonely from time to time. While she was devotee to her God, she wasn't as connected as Leliana was to her Goddess. Though, Cassandra could still see why having a purpose and being close to a supreme being could be so fulfilling. Cassandra still couldn't see herself being alone for that long though.
They talked some more about life, religion, and everything in between. Though there was a hint of a colder Leliana buried deep in her words, all she could feel was warmth. She talked about life with a gentle voice, almost as if she had only experienced good and the harsh part that Cassandra had come to know well had never touched her. Curious. Leliana had seen and done plenty of things in her life, she must have felt life's scorch sometime or another. But maybe she talked about it that way because of that reason alone.
They went inside when night fell. Though she was tired, she felt a sort of restless energy well up inside her. Cassandra didn't want this to end. Wanted to continue to talk to Leliana and uncover everything there was to know about her. She went to sleep that night with a smile on her face, hoping that this relationship would last forever.
"Are you okay?" Cassandra asked one day. Leliana kept rubbing her neck, her eyes tired and when she talked, she said things tersely which was unusual for Leliana.
"Yeah I just don't feel well…" Leliana paused and then continued to rub her neck.
What was wrong? Was this because of where she slept? That made sense. Most of the time she slept sitting up in a chair or on the ground. Both of which were probably not good for her neck. Especially considering the amount of time she had slept at these places.
"Why don't you sleep on the bed with me? It'll help your neck."
"But - Are you sure?"
"Of course. This is your house. Plus, it doesn't really matter to me either way."
Leliana studied her and then with a small smile, gave her a hug.
"Thank Goddess. My neck is killing me."
They separated only a few inches, Leliana lingering, smile sinking, before she separated fully and gave her a bigger smile. It looked fake.
What did that mean? Why did Leliana linger?
"Would you like me to rub your shoulders?" Cassandra asked instead of asking what she really wanted. If someone was sore or ached in an area, it was common in her clan to offer to rub the area. If the area was appropriate that was.
"Um yeah, sure."
Cassandra went to work getting the knots out of her shoulders, a slight dull pain radiating from her chest as she repeated the motion. Leliana didn't say a word the entire time. Cassandra thought about making conversation, but it didn't feel like the right time.
When they were done, Leliana said, "Thank you," and made up some excuse to get something from outside.
Cassandra was confused.
Why was she acting so weird?
Leliana came back a bit longer acting normal so Cassandra didn't comment on it.
A week passed and she had healed almost completely. Cassandra had thought everything was fine after she gave her a neck massage. Leliana slept in the same bed as her and her neck pains had gone away. She never returned to her usual bubbly self and instead, was downtrodden and grim. A pained look almost permanently ingrained on her face after that day. Cassandra noticed it quickly but thought it would go away soon. Days passed. Still, she just thought maybe she was just feeling sick, but after a week, Cassandra had to say something.
"What's wrong?" Cassandra asked as they were eating breakfast - something they had been doing a lot lately, though for the past week it had been a tense affair. Leliana looked up briefly before her gaze returned to her food.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"It's not nothing. While I haven't known you for the longest time, I know when something is wrong and not talking to me doesn't make me think otherwise."
Leliana sighed and got up from her seat. "I'm going to work on the garden." She didn't say the words with annoyance, just pain and tiredness.
Cassandra followed her out.
"Let me help you. It pains me to see you like this. All I want to do is help. Please, Leliana."
Leliana stopped, arms wrapped around herself. And for a second, Cassandra thought she saw her shake before she whipped around. Tears pooled in her eyes, and her lip curled up into a snarl.
"You're going to leave me, that's what wrong. You're healed, and there's nothing keeping you here anymore. You're just going to go, and I'll have no one, just like before."
"Leliana."
"Don't Leliana me. We all know how this is going to end."
Cassandra strode towards her and took her in her arms and hugged her tightly. "I'm here. I won't leave you. I - " Cassandra stopped. Was she really going to say those words? Did she even feel that towards Leliana? Cassandra didn't know how she felt if she was being honest with herself. Every time she looked at Leliana she felt a sort of warmth that she had never felt with anyone before. But could this really be love? Between two women as well. It was strange and she had never really had any romantic inclination towards women before.
"Yeah right," Leliana said in her neck.
They separated not long after and sank down to the ground.
Leliana's words circled her mind. Would she leave? Did she have to?
"I keep having nightmares. You leave, and I never see you again. It's silly of me to have gone through all of our time together without having thought seriously about you leaving. I thought that… I can't even say it out loud. It sounds horrible."
"I wouldn't judge you."
Leliana sighed. "I thought since you were so gravely injured that your kinsmen must have died. That you had no choice than to stay here with me."
She was at a loss. Didn't know what to say. So she said nothing at all.
"I know. I worry that they're alive. That's wrong of me to say, isn't it?" Leliana let out a forced laugh. "But I can't help it."
Cassandra didn't reply. She could understand. Cassandra didn't want to leave either. She wanted to live here forever. Her old camp, while it held the people she held dear, felt less at home than here. It was soft and comfortable and it seemed as if the sun was always shining. Their camp was always under the smolder of trees and war and death was a constant cycle that never ended. Here, the harsh touch of life didn't come anywhere close.
"I like it here," Cassandra said. "I like you."
Cassandra wondered how she would take it. Did she suspect that she liked her in a romantic way or would she take it in a platonic way?
"Me too."
Cassandra turned towards Leliana. The previous pained expression was wiped away and instead, her crinkled brow relaxed, her eyes grew less stormy, and the start of a smile grew on her lips. The same expression that, when on Leliana, made her chest feel light and tight at the same time. Cassandra turned back to look at the clouds.
Did Leliana feel the same? Were they both just not telling the other? It was possible, but could she risk it? But at the same time, what was the worst that could happen?
"How do you feel about me?" Cassandra asked.
"...What do you mean?"
"So I like you a lot. Not just as a friend." Cassandra sat up and looked down at Leliana. "Do you or - "
Before she was able to reply, Leliana surged up and captured her lips. The kiss was chaste. Leliana's lips were soft and warm, almost like honey. Leliana put her hands on the edge of her shoulders and Cassandra followed after a few seconds of debating with herself. Cassandra's heart sped up.
They didn't stay together for long and when they came apart, Leliana gave her a large smile.
"I've been waiting for you to say that."
"Yeah, me too."
Cassandra was on a cloud. After all, her feelings were reciprocated. Everything was just so right. Cassandra couldn't get it out of her mind. Leliana liked her like that too. Warmth spread through her and it stayed like that until the thought of her kin entered her mind not long after.
This went beyond betraying them. She was in a romantic relationship - well she thought they were. What was this anyway? They never really talked about it - with someone from the same people her clan fought. Cassandra should be thinking of getting back to her people. She was their leader. They had entrusted that position to her, and she tossed it away. She was healed now. She should be leaving, not confessing her feelings for the other.
The realization what she would have to do hit her like an avalanche. Cassandra had to leave Leliana.
But she couldn't. Leliana held a huge place in her heart. She would be empty, aching, without her and could Cassandra really do that to her? She promised Leliana she wouldn't leave that day. She couldn't fail her, but she couldn't fail her clan.
What should she do?
Looking at Leliana smile made the decision even harder. She was beautiful and kind and everything good in the world, but Cassandra would ruin that if she left. Leliana would be alone again and judging by how she reacted, that was the last thing she wanted.
What should she do? Why did she agree without thinking?
It stayed in her mind all day. Cassandra wanted to cry at the impossibility of the situation. Both were like two sides to a coin. They existed together. She'd have to cut one half off and the thought sounded as painful as cutting her own body in half. Sometimes she wished she could forget about her kinsmen. Everything would be so much simpler. Why didn't Lucius knock her upside the head instead? This decision would have been easy. She could be happy forever, living in ignorance, living with Leliana. But things never worked as they were supposed to, did they?
Days flew by and she still hadn't made her decision. Her and Leliana had taken up doing couple things - holding hands, giving kisses, flirting. The pained feeling of guilt never left since that day where they confessed their feelings. She tried to bury it like she did before, but it didn't work this time like it did when she was getting better.
Cassandra tried to keep everything from Leliana. She only thought about it away from her and when it did cross her mind in front of Leliana, she faked a smile or gave her a kiss.
The best part about all of this though, were the kisses. At first both of them were awkward with this part of their relationship, but that soon melted. Leliana liked to hold hands when they went out to the garden and as soon as they got there, Cassandra would give her a kiss and when they were feeling particularly lazy, they'd hold each other and watch the clouds pass instead of weeding the garden or doing other work.
She knew now. This feeling was love. The thought made her want to cry.
One day when the smell of flowers was poignant and the sun was hot, Leliana said, "I want to show you something."
Cassandra straightened and wiped the faint perspiration rolling down her forehead. They had been weeding the garden, so she welcomed a more entertaining distraction. "What?"
Leliana didn't tell. She merely took ahold of her hand and led her through the forest. The sound of rushing water grew louder as they went further in. When they passed a particularly thick set of trees, a waterfall came into view.
It was beautiful. The sun hit the water at the right angle and made a rainbow. Water wrapped around the rocks jutting out from under the waterfall like a blanket. And right below it, a pool of water surrounded by colorful flowers. It made her breathless.
"This is my happy place. Beautiful, isn't it?"
Cassandra nodded and wrapped her arms around Leliana from behind her. "Thank you."
"I didn't just bring you here to admire the sights. I wanted to tell you something."
What did she want to tell her?
Wait - if she brought her here, was it because of bad news? But if she had bad news her eyes wouldn't shine so bright and her smile wouldn't be there.
"What did you want to tell me?"
"Come take a bath with me first."
Leliana separated herself from Cassandra's arms and took her clothes off before jumping in. Cassandra did the same and then grimaced at how cold it was.
"Leliana. Stop playing games. What did you wish to tell me?"
"Sorry for the secrecy. It's just," Leliana took a deep breath, "I just haven't said this to anyone in a long time and it's hard."
What did she want to say?
"You know I won't judge..."
"I know." Leliana paused and swam closer to her before sitting down on a rock close by. Cassandra followed. "I love you," Leliana said finally after another pause as she studied Cassandra's face and reaction. "And I want sing you a song. My mother sang it to me when I was a little girl. Said I'd sing to my husband on our wedding night. That it would bind us together."
This was the first time Leliana had talked about her birth parents. For her to share that made Cassandra's cheeks heat. The urge to hold her and never let go surfaced.
The first note came out high pitched, but soothing. Beautiful in its own right. She couldn't understand the language it was sung in, but she supposed she didn't need to. The words spoke for themselves; they were filled with such warmth and feeling that her eyes burned with the start of tears.
Beautiful.
But it was undeserving. Her thoughts had been treacherous. Poison. There she was, not long ago, thinking about leaving. Leliana had been nothing but great towards her. And what has she done to repay her? Nothing but let these thoughts infect her mind.
"Did you like it?" Leliana said when she was done singing.
Cassandra paused and then gave her a hug. "It was perfect."
"I'm pleased. I never thought I'd sing that to another person again."
"Was this person your first love?"
"Yes. But as you can see, Marjolaine never panned out. But this will, won't it, Cassandra?"
Cassandra nodded. But she wasn't for sure. Cassandra knew that her kinsmen were more important than even herself. She couldn't abandon them, but she didn't want to disregard what she wanted. Cassandra squeezed Leliana tighter. She didn't want to leave her. She wanted to keep this life forever. Grow old together. But Cassandra knew herself. Knew that her duty was something that had always came first. She wished she could forsake everything.
"...Thank you," Cassandra said after silence.
"No, thank you for being here with me."
They got out not long after, but Cassandra couldn't stop thinking about it. Even as she held Leliana in her arms. She ached.
In the days following, something passed between them. Leliana's gaze lingered on her when she thought Cassandra wasn't looking, and her grip as they hugged in bed was tighter than normal as if she was holding on for dear life. Cassandra's guilt was like a sharpened axe going back and forward between her kin and Leliana as if it didn't know where to expend itself.
The more she tried to hide it, the more Leliana kept acting clingy. Did she suspect that Cassandra was thinking of leaving? The thought held in her mind as she went into the forest to help gather berries for a dish Leliana wanted to cook. Cassandra went further into the forest knowing that their usual berry tree had run out of fruit a couple of days ago.
She jumped when a tree branch broke close to her. Snapping her head to the source of the sound, her heart skipped a beat. Dani, a young warrior that she had helped train, stood in shock, mouth slowly opening before she closed it and ran towards Cassandra taking her in her arms.
"Cassandra," she breathed, "it's you! I thought you had died."
Cassandra stiffened. This was awkward. She didn't know if she should return the hug. Doing so felt wrong. She hadn't hugged anyone other than Leliana in a long time. Cassandra decided to return the hug and patted her back awkwardly, hand pausing each time, unsure.
"What are you doing out here?" Dani asked after separating from her.
"I've been healing. I was gravely injured in the battle."
Ah, Dani mouthed as if she understood perfectly. A stone sank in her stomach. While Dani was practically an adult, she didn't see the darker side of people and what obviously had happened. Dani didn't see that Cassandra was a traitor. That, while she was healed, she didn't go and seek her clan.
"Where's the clan?" Cassandra asked.
"At the edge of the forest. After the battle we didn't have enough power to go further than that. Not to mention looking for you." Dani smiled brightly. It blinded her and another stone sank in her stomach. "But now that you're here, we won't be lost anymore."
Cassandra probably felt as lost as they did. Dani led her back to camp as she talked non-stop. Just like how Dani's training used to go. She missed that. Missed her family. The ache for them grew, but trepidation grew with it. The time with Leliana had been like a dream. And just like a dream, the real world seemed distant; her clan, while always on her mind, was no exception. Cassandra was awake and it hurt like a stab wound.
When they went back to camp, everyone froze. They gawked at her, not doing the same as Dani and welcoming her so warmly. She understood. Cassandra was a traitor and didn't deserve all that they have given her over the years.
She went past them, eyes on the tent at the end of the camp. When she went in, Cullen stood at a table with her other advisors. She was surprised they could work together without her help. They fought about everything. But she supposed she liked the differentiating opinions seeing as she needed to look at all sides of things to see what would be the best course of action. Well, when she was their leader anyway.
They looked up and all of them had the same bewildered looks on their faces.
"Cassandra," Cullen said, "you're alive."
"I am."
Alicia came from behind everyone, eyes narrowed, fists clenched. "So you've been alive this whole time and you never came back?"
Cassandra sighed. Of course. Alicia would be the one to call her out on her treachery. She was like Cassandra in a way; straightforward in a no-nonsense kind of way. "Lucius almost killed me. I've been injured."
Alicia's eyes softened and her posture turned less rigid, but that hint of anger and frustration didn't go away.
"I'm sorry," Cassandra eventually said as they locked eyes with her, expecting something - what, she didn't know, but it felt appropriate to say. "I was brash and I got myself hurt. I left all of you when I was supposed to be the rock and I crumbled when you needed me the most."
Silence still. She knew silence couldn't grow, but it did. Most of the warriors' faces were blank, a mask no doubt, but she knew all of them were dubious of her story, even if she did apologize.
They updated her about what was going on, that strange silence still in their words despite them talking. She could tell a lot of her kin wanted to ask her questions, but they held their tongues for now.
They still had her old tent, and she put it up. When the sun set, she sneaked off, heading towards the cottage.
She felt empty, aching for Leliana though she would hold her soon enough, but not for long. It wasn't going to be enough. No time with Leliana would ever be enough. Cassandra knew that, but she had to do this.
She couldn't live with herself if she abandoned her kin. She would be a traitor if she abandoned them for mere feelings of the heart. Cassandra would be no better than Lucius. And she couldn't bear it. She wouldn't subjugate herself to such a life even if she knew that she'd be happy.
She felt her conviction shake as she walked back to Leliana's cottage. Dread built in the pit of her stomach and she wanted to throw up, but she didn't waver.
When she got there, her hand reached out to grab the door before she paused, inches away from the handle. Cassandra shook her head. She would have to deal with it sometime or another. Sighing, she willed herself to walk through the door. Leliana was there hunched over a book on their - her bed wearing a long white nightgown.
"Leliana," Cassandra said, voice small.
Leliana looked up immediately from her book. Her eyebrows were drawn and she was tense. She hopped up from her spot and stalked towards Cassandra before pulling her to her and kissing her lips desperately.
She pulled back a second later. "You left me. I thought you were - " Leliana pulled her in for another kiss, this time harder. Cassandra could feel her hands shaking as she gripped her tightly.
They separated not long after. Cassandra's hands lingered on Leliana's shoulders. They both paused, studying each other. It had only been hours since they last saw each other, but it felt like a lifetime. Leliana's face was puffy and red and her eyes bloodshot, shoulders slumped as if defeated.
"I'm sorry," Cassandra said after a long pause.
"Where did you go?"
Cassandra didn't reply. She didn't think she could. If she told her where she went, Leliana would probably look even more defeated than she did now. Cassandra couldn't stand her looking like that. Much less being the cause of it.
"You went to them, didn't you? Somehow they found you or you found them and you just went back. Did you even think of me? Or am I expendable?"
"Of course not. You know I love you."
"I'm not so sure anymore."
That hurt. But Cassandra deserved it. She has chosen her side. She knew from the beginning she would have to choose.
"Well I do..."
Leliana removed herself from Cassandra's grasp and walked to the opposite end of the cottage. Cassandra followed.
She wanted to grovel at her feet. Apologize. Promise to stay with her forever. Instead, she said, "I'm sorry."
Leliana sneered. "Take your apologies elsewhere. You're going to leave me like everyone else. You're no different. No different at all." Her exhaustion was a weight in every word. Cassandra felt them pressing on her insides.
"I'm not, but I really want you to know that I love you and that everything that happened was real. I didn't pretend. I'm just as broken up about this as you are."
"Then why do this? Stay here with me."
"I can't. But I - "
Leliana whipped around. "And why can't you?"
"I just can't Leliana. They're my kin. I'm their leader."
Leliana's eyes grew wide and then narrowed. "You're their leader? Why didn't you tell me?"
Did she really forget to mention that? She supposed it never came up. "I...forgot to mention it."
"Just like you forgot to mention that you were lying when you made that promise to me."
Cassandra didn't reply, but merely strode towards Leliana before pulling her into a kiss. It wasn't like their normal kisses. It was fast and brutal and held none of the soft love that she was accustomed to. Leliana bit her lip and plunged into her mouth. Cassandra backed them up to the wall and pressed close to her, Leliana's skin suddenly felt like fire and Cassandra flushed.
They continued kissing until Cassandra pulled back for air. Leliana pushed her down on their bed and climbed on top of her, her soft nightgown brushing against her skin.
"You can't leave me."
[Where the cut sex scene would have been.]
"I love you," Cassandra said brokenly in a hoarse voice.
Leliana didn't reply but laid down next to her and pulled her to her chest.
What, they were done now? She didn't even get to give any pleasure to Leliana.
Cassandra separated from her hold. "Let me - "
"No."
The word came out rough and final. But that couldn't be it.
"But you didn't get any pleasure from it..."
"Tomorrow. I'm tired."
But there wasn't going to be a tomorrow. This was their last night together. She couldn't just receive but not give anything on their last night. That wasn't right.
"Let me do something. Please."
Leliana sighed. "Come here." She beckoned her into her arms and Cassandra followed though she wanted to protest. It wasn't fair. But then again, who was she to judge what fair was?
They turned towards the window. The stars were out. Pretty as they may be, they were a stark contrast to what she was feeling. An empty sky would be more apt.
Leliana ran her hand through her hair.
"Did you know that I used to be a bard?"
"No." It made sense though. Her singing voice was well above average.
"Well I was. In Zonda. It was a great job. You meet a bunch of people. They applaud you for your voice."
"Then why did you stop?"
"I lost sight of what truly mattered: myself and the Goddess. I would act differently with people back then. I put on masks upon masks and I lost sight of who I was. You'll do the same if you go."
"I don't need masks around my kin - "
"But you're their leader. All leaders wear mask. They reflect what their subjects want, not their own desires."
She wanted to deny that it was true, but she could feel it in the tightening of her chest.
"Yes," Cassandra said, "you're right. But they're more important than I could ever be."
"I understand, but it doesn't hurt any less."
Leliana started to cry and tightened her hold on her. Cassandra turned around in Leliana's arms and returned the embrace. She could feel her own eyes pool with tears.
Cassandra loved Leliana so much.
It hurt, everything hurt.
She pulled away when both of them stopped crying. They stared at each other. Cassandra took her in. Everything down to the last freckle on her lip from earlier.
"I love you," Cassandra said.
Leliana reached out to stroke her cheek. "I love you, too."
They didn't speak anymore. Cassandra waited for Leliana to fall asleep before she left. She wanted to wake her up and tell her. But she couldn't. It'd be too hard otherwise. Cassandra gathered her clothes with shaking hands. When she was done putting her clothes on, Cassandra paused again to soak up the sight of her. Leliana was sleeping so peacefully. She had turned on her side, arms still out as if she was grasping for air or even something more empty. She must not have felt Cassandra leave. She stood there for awhile but knew she had to leave now. If she waited any longer, it'd be too hard.
She left the house and returned to the camp. Cassandra immediately laid on the pile of furs she found with her tent. The tears came not long after. She gripped the furs hard as she covered her face with them, trying not to make a sound.
Leliana would never be by her side. Cassandra would never hear her laugh or see her smile again.
The ache grew larger. She cried harder.
Their times together kept playing in her mind. One memory in particular was like the sharpest sword piercing her skin.
"You know I love you, right?" Leliana said. She was illuminated by the soft evening light.
"Of course I do. I love you too."
Leliana smiled and Cassandra gave her one back. "Can you imagine us living here forever?"
"I do…" And she really did despite that part of her that wanted to object.
"I hope we do. Don't ever leave me, okay. I don't know what I'd do if you did."
I'm sorry, Leliana, she thought as she sobbed. I've failed you.
Epilogue
Cassandra lurched through the forest, sword gripped firmly in her hand, though her grip was falling lax. The wound on her arm pulsed with sharp pain. Same with all the other wounds.
She couldn't get herself to be angry. She was just disappointed, tired, frustrated, filled with grief.
Not even two days ago, she had thought everything was fine. That she could lead her clan and defend them against the Old Religion. That they could win this battle at least.
She was wrong.
Why didn't she pull them out faster? Why were they fighting in the first place? It made no sense. Maybe if she had been a better leader, everyone would be alive. And she wouldn't be the last of her clan.
It's ironic. The Old wiped out the New in one battle. When was the last time that happened?
She continued forward out of pure will. Cassandra could feel blood soaking her clothes underneath her armor. Coughing, liquid came up her throat and landed on her hand. Blood again.
Finally when her legs were going to give out, she fell on the ground in a clearing.
It was a pretty day all things considered. The sun was high in the sky, only a few clouds and a cool breeze.
Today would be the last. She had nothing else to live for. Cassandra cast aside Leliana for her kin, but they were dead now. It was for nothing. All of that ache for absolutely nothing. Oh how she ached for Leliana. It never stopped. Even as years passed.
Cassandra laughed bitterly. She lost the entire coin instead of just one side.
She blacked out not long after. When she woke up, it was nearing evening and she got up and started going the other way.
It seemed like she had been walking for a long time even though it was probably only half an hour. A tree branch broke to her right. Her gaze snapped that way.
Cassandra froze and her breath and heart rate picked up.
"Leliana," she breathed.
Leliana dropped the fruit in her hands, going pale.
"Cassandra?"
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