Disclaimer: I own everything. That's right, you heard me, everything. The entire known universe belongs to me. Hell, I probably own you. Because you are in the category of everything. I, however, do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, Jennifer Lopez (or any of her songs, or the company's that produce her songs), or the term "freakish bitch" (which, I suspect, I will be called, I'm just doing the disclaimer so that you don't need to worry about it.). Everything else is mine though.
Warning: Spoilers for episode 14 and up. Yaoi. Not graphic, just boys contemplating and ranting and yelling and fighting about boinking other boys. And everyone is OOC. Yes, I admit. If you don't like completely hypothetical fics that involve cross dressing, American music in a Japanese's anime setting involving Japanese characters, striptease, invisible boom-boxes, and people popping out of nowhere, go away. If you've never heard the song "Waiting for tonight" by Jennifer Lopez, you'll never get this.
The back-story:
After Jounouchi's defeat of Rex Raptor, the group of teenage protagonists meet up with Mai, and then meet Bakura.
There's a whole lotta talking about friends and cards and the many merits of cheese whiz, when Bakura (who is really Evil Bakrua right now) suggest that him and Yugi have a duel with everyone's favorite cards. Then Yugi promptly explodes and the story comes to a screeching halt.
…joking.
Anyway, Evil Bakura takes them all (except Mai, who has disappeared somewhere along the way) to the shadow realm where the duel will be…dueled. This is where our story begins.
"Bakura, why did you take us to the shadow realm?" cried The Spirit of the Puzzle, astonished at Yugi's friend's behavior.
"Bakura is no longer here," chuckled the demonic figure before him. "I am a thief and a stealer of souls, the spirit of Bakura's millennium Ring."
"Why are you doing this, Spirit of the Ring?" Asked Yami Yugi, without bothering to notice that his first question had gone unanswered. Again, the mysterious Spirit controlling Bakura began to laugh.
"Do you not remember me Pharaoh? Never mind, enough with this talk. For you see, I have spent all of my life," At this moment, strange music began to play in the background, but that was not the full extent of oddness. Evil Bakura was suddenly clad in a tight salsa dress. Yami Yugi blinked. Had Yugi been secretly taking some weird drug that would be affect the ability of his mind to word properly?
"- waiting for tonight! Ooh! When you would be here in my arms," continued the Evil Spirit, knocking away the dueling board and crawling sexily onto the stump where it had been perched. Again, Yami Yugi blinked. Marijuana perhaps? No, Yugi wouldn't do that. But what other explanation for this was there?
"-waiting for tonight. OOOH! I've dreamed of this love for so long. Waiting for tonight…ooh, ooh, oooh, ooooh, ooh" With the Spirit of the Puzzle still watching, Evil Bakura began his striptease.
At this moment however, Anzu had managed to free herself from within her card, and needless to say was not pleased.
"Excuse me, 'Spirit of the Ring' or whatever you call yourself, but you're messing with the plotline here."
The aforementioned spirit looked up, angry that his seductive dance had been interrupted. "No I'm not," he replied. "You're the one who's supposed to stay in the card until you get rescued. As long as I end up loosing and being banished in the end, it doesn't matter if I screw the Pharaoh silly."
"But your misguided lust is un-cannon!" Anzu continued with a sigh. "No matter how much you argue, I am really Yugi's love interest, and you are the evil bad guy who everyone hates. Well, except for the fan girls."
"Hey!" shouted a voice from behind. Jounouchi had also managed to extract himself from his card. Honda, on the other hand, liked being in his card, as the Mystic Elf and Lady of Faith really were quite doting.
"Excuse me if I misread something," Jounouchi said, "but didn't the authoress already say that this was going to a be a yaoi/shounen-ai story?" Anzu growled, yet Jounouchi continued, " Yugi/Jounouchi is one of the most popular fandoms out there! You know what they say, it's always your best friend, or," –
" Your worst enemy," cut in Evil Bakura with a grin. "Which is me. Anzu already said that I was the bad-guy that everyone hated, therefore making me Yami Yugi's worst enemy."
"Actually," another voice said, " I believe I'm the one always listed as his worst enemy,"
"Kaiba?" the group chorused. "What the f*ck are you doing here? This is MY shadow realm!" exclaimed Evil Bakura with a glare. "That's not the point," said the CEO, returning the glare, "The point is, he's mine!"
Yugi growled, hopping out of the Dark Magician card, "Whatever happened to Y/YY?" he asked. Before he could reply however, there was a brilliant flash of sparkly light, and an angel descended from the sky.
She had floor length blond hair, morphing eyes, curves in all the right places, not to mention angel wings. "Hello," she greeted, her voice as sweet as honeysuckle, "My name is Kyauriotayru Moonbeam Anippe-Kanika, but you can call me Hailey. I'm Jounouchi's long lost sister, Kaiba's and Bakura's ex-lover, Shadi's child, and the Pharaoh's bride from the past."
"OBLIVIATE!" shouted a voice. Hailey exploded. "That didn't happen the last time he shouted obliviate." Yugi mused.
"Enough!" the Spirit of the Puzzle demanded angrily. "I hate it when you people fight over me! Can't we just get along! I'm not an object, I'm human (well, not technically), and I have feelings just like anyone else."
The formerly bickering group hung their heads in shame. "You're right." Said Anzu. "We were being insensitive, and for that, none of us deserve to have you." The group nodded in agreement, and began to walk away.
"Hey, hey, I never said that." Called the Spirit of the Puzzle. "I know! You can all try and win my affections by offering and endless supply of food, wine, and sex, and I'll force myself to decide…eventually." He gave a hopeful grin.
And so everyone treated the Spirit of the Puzzle like a king…er, pharaoh, each believing that someday he would be his or hers to love and screw into eternity. Everyone, especially Yami Yugi, was happy.
Except for Hailey, who had previously exploded.
The end.
A/N: Well, how did you like it? Too weird? Flames, compliments, criticisms, and cookies accepted.