Chicken fight!
Summary: What happens when you put bored WWE Superstars in a pool?
To explain how this happened, superstars from both brands were hanging out for a double taping, when it got canceled for arena violence inside and out of the place.
When Evan Bourne dove into the pool, he made only the slightest splash, but when he surfaced, he found all eyes on him.
Everyone's. You know… Big Show, Jericho, DH Smith, hell, even Morrison. He felt bad cause he was the only one whose belly button was not above the water, so he tried to swim away. The people looking turned big smiles to him.
"Evan, a Chicken fight tourney!" Swagger shouted, before eagerly Cannonballing into the pool off a five foot diving board. While falling, he thought he heard him shout, "NOOOOOOW!"
So that's why they were looking at me!
Swagger surfaced, saying, "You are going to ride me." This garnered a couple of stifled laughs from the veterans, and a 'That's what she said!' from Ryder, on the far side of the pool.
"Ah—uh—um—are you sure, Jack?" said Evan, imagining their probable losses. Jack was huge but Evan was tiny.
"Hell yeah I'm sure! Look, since you're a sthmaller guy, I won't get tired of holding you too long! We'll be unsthoppable!" And Evan was sold.
The first round was set—yes, there were 'official' rounds—and Evan and Jack were up against John Morrison (in a Speedo) and CM Punk (in trunks. Aaaaw). They had 45 seconds to 'compete,' and the first person on top whose back hits the water first and his teammate were eliminated. Semis and Finals had a whole minute and a half though.
(GUESS WHO WAS ON TOP!)
John was 'riding' Punk, a huge sight for anyone who saw. It was pretty hilarious until you noticed how Punk seemed to be enjoying it. And then you start to question what he REALLY liked…
Anyway, the 'round' went back and forth, as at first Punk tried to land some knees in Jack's stomach, but failed, as it wasn't helping John. Jack kept propelling Evan forward, helping him miss some head shots. Eventually Punk collapsed because, in true gymnast's form, John was squeezing Punk's neck for support. The inevitable happened, and John didn't know that he was doing it and started screaming expletives on the way down.
The second round saw Matt Hardy and R-Truth, who beat Ziggler and Hornswoggle in the round before. Theirs was an easy loss to Jack and Evan, as Matt practically passed out halfway due to a certain midget with a watergun. If you were watching them, you heard Matt calling for Jeff on the way down. ("JEFF! I NEED A Q-TIP!—OH SHIT!")
"Semi-finals!" Jack screamed in delight.
"Yay, Jack! We're almost there!" Cue more laughs from the vets. And anyone else who heard.
"Okay, Evan, we have to pull in a new strategy. You have to keep thrusting and pushing and twisting, and try to get in, okay?" This comment also garnered unhinged laughs and smirks and the like. (God, you people are so dirty.)
"Okay! Let's make that a chant. Thrust, Push, Twist. Thrust, Push, Twist. Thrust, Push, Twist."
When people were doubling over, loud guffaws in their bellies, Jack and Evan were plotting to win the WWE HARDCORE CHICKEN FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIT! (Yes, you read that right.)
What winners they were making of themselves!
"Semi finalists, huh?" said a steely eyed Jericho. The two nodded. "If it weren't for Killings and Hardy over there… I'd be over with you in a minute, ya hambone."
"Ha, but you lost," said Swagger, a new confidence evident. "we're gonna win the whole shebang, and you'll be busy trying to coax your lil rookie over there to beat us at laps."
"Tell ya what, Jericho," said Evan, entering the conversation. "I read your book. If we lose, I'll teach you the shooting star press."
"And if you win?"
"Hmmm, I don't know. Maybe we just WIN!" And the duo walked away, all smiles.
"Hey Jack, who do you think we're facing next?"
"You're facing us!" said the inseparable Hart Dynasty kids, Tyson and Natalya. "We're undefeated so far, and on the other side of the fence you've got Cena and Trips, and Kofi and McIntyre. No doubt, we'll be the ones facing off with either team!" said an eager Natalya.
"I bet you've gone undefeated cause no one wants to hit a girl," Jack said cockily.
"Well, if you're gonna pull your punches, Bourne, I'm not gonna pull mine. Hit me if you want to."
Evan was so morally confused! Should he win the thing by hitting a girl—or lose by not doing it? He didn't know, but pretty soon after, he was trying to lock in a chin lock on the Neidhart, unable to because, despite Jack being humongous, he was still too short to get his arm around her and lock. She retaliated with elbows to his chest, and Jack eagerly pressed his partner in further to the fray. Kidd was pulling away, trying to get the other team to lose their balance. But Natalya kept going back for more, any way she could. Pulling hair, pinching nipples, biting ears—poor Evan was left with purple splotches on his body after the round. Neither hit the water, so the decision was unanimous…
"Jack and Evan to the finals!" said an eliminated Edge.
"YEAH!" Jack said, dipping into the water after Evan got off his shoulders. "EVAN! WE'VE MADE IT TO THE FINALS!"
"And facing them," continued the Ultimate Opportunist, "John Cena and Triple H!"
"YESS!" both of them said. Sure, they were two huge guys, but nothing really matched Evan's agility and Jack's more solid movements!
"Can we get some sodas?" asked Evan to a nearby pool attendant. "Two Cokes please!" he yelled, and the cans were tossed to the pool.
CM Punk stared in blithe disgust at their ingestion of the enemy brand of soda. Morrison tried to push a Diet Coke in his face once before, and the entire locker room knows why you should never do that. Ever.
Jack and Evan's celebratory drinks were short lived, as they were called to the last match after two minutes. Evan got up out of the pool and dove into the center of the pool, showing off his new Dolph Ziggler-looking swimwear.
Jack gulped down the last of the can's contents and saw CM Punk glaring at it demonically. He set it down at poolside and swam over to Evan.
"Oh shit, Jack," whispered Evan. "I don't think we've ever faced this much muscle before."
He was right, the both of them were stuffed and sculpted meatheads. But Triple H's leg was a weak point, as Jack pointed out. "He tore a quad, right?"
Evan nodded.
"So all you have to do is make Cena lose his balance. It means its weaker in the knees right? And Cena isn't all that light. If we can get him to sway, we'll win this whole thing!"
"Not sure, Jack… Trips is like, really really strong." Evan was doubtful, but in seconds he was back on his partner's shoulders. Both were ready and focused.
"Thanks Evan. This is how far we've gotten! Facing the company's top dogs. I feel so accomplished! Now I can tell my daddy how I am STILL—oh, you too—athletically superior to even them!"
"Yeah, Jack. Thanks to you too! Now, let's get this done!"
Cue Hunter and Cena, Cena mounted pretty awkwardly. He, too, had fallen victim to Natalya, and had purple splotches all over his body and a little bald spot on his head. Hahahahahahaha.
"So, Jack," said Hunter, "how ya doing?"
"Great, thanks for asking. How about you?"
"Well, I'm pretty pumped. We've gotten this far, Cena and I. So let's just get this to be an even fight, between professionals?"
"Uhh, okay," said Evan with a smile lifting the corners of his lips. "See you at the end." He flashed his signature peace sign.
They got a scoreboard, as the rules were suddenly tweaked. It was going to be best two out of three falls, and Jack and Evan were barely scared. They had made it this far, beating out colleagues and coworkers, and it was great to have fun after hectic schedules year round.
"TAKE YOUR PLACES!" shouted an eager Edge. "We will start now."
Chris Jericho found an airhorn to distract the four of them. He blew it sporadically, specifically when Edge was talking.
Evan mounted Jack, as did Cena to Hunter. Cena looked kind of woozy, but one should never underestimate him, despite the fact that he is the #1 person on the hatelist of about 75% of the marks, thought to have minimal skills.
They stood in front of each other, straight faced. Suddenly Jack was back in Jack Swagger mode, and Evan had to fight to control himself til Jericho blew his airhorn.
"Good luck, kid." Said Cena.
/
And suddenly Evan was all over Cena, arms on his neck, choking, pulling, unbalancing the larger one and Jack was charging Hunter.
But Hunter was steady as rock, he didn't move. Evan continued his assault on Cena, focusing on his head. He pulled out everything he had—tickles, headbutts, arm jerks—but they just couldn't topple the bigger men.
Cena stayed firmly planted on Hunter, and with a huge shove by the both of them, toppled Evan while he was in the middle of a jerk and Jack while he was trying to step on Hunter's feet.
"Shit!" cried Evan as he fell to the water.
"Blgrhggbbbllbbbbb!" was Jack's inaudible sound as he lost his balance and fell in as well.
They surfaced, after a few seconds, with new, angry expressions. Cena smirked, Hunter just looked at them.
"I know what to do," Whispered Evan. "Hold on to my left leg. Hold tight. I'm going to do shit and if you don't we're going to lose. Okay?"
"Okay. But it's totally alright if we do though, right?"
"No."
"Thought so."
With that said, Evan mounted Jack again. Jack hooked his left arm around it, and loosely held the one on the right.
"Gonna go down, chickens?" said an enthusiastic Hunter.
"Don't think so," said Jack. "We've got something you don't."
!
"Oh yeah? What?" asked Hunter, both teams circling around each other.
"This." Said Evan, breaking free of Jack's right arm and landing a strange enzuigiri on Cena.
There was a moment of silence, and Cena fell right into the water. Everyone was expecting a "PSYCH!" from one of them, and Cena would rise from his watery grave. He didn't, so they had to fish him out after about 30 seconds.
"HOLY CRAP, JACK!"
"WE WON!"
"YEAH! WE WON! OH MY GOD!"