Disclaimer: Ranma Nibbunoichi © Rumiko Takahashi/Viz Media, and is used without permission.
Author's Note: This is very much an AU, which uses a deliberately less comedic version of the final minutes of the episode 'Am I Pretty? Ranma's Declaration Of Womanhood', also known by the popular shorthand 'Pretty Womanhood'. From the very beginning, A lot of things will be proven false and their disproving will set up the narrative going forward. Let's just say that there's a reason for the title...
Taking Things At Face Value
Chapter 1: Facing The Music?!
Nabiki didn't need to hear the crack as Akane hit Ranma, maybe putting a tad too much power into the swing. She just looked as the girl, who had once been considered as the greatest martial artist in Nerima, if not the world, float up, unmoving, and mentally swore. This would be messy, expensive and difficult to deal with. And that was before it got around the neighbourhood that Akane had finally killed Ranma with her short temper.
"This is just great..." Nabiki offered with a sigh, as she poked at the hopefully unconscious girl floating face-up in the koi pond, and sighed as she felt no body heat at all, the cold water not helping the diagnosis, "I could very easily swing it as accidental death… With all that was going on the last couple of days, I can't even claim I didn't see it coming..."
"Nabiki! You shouldn't say things like that! What if she does wake up? We don't know what her personality will be like this time!" Kasumi snapped from beside her, looking down at the very likely dead Ranma with a worried expression on her face.
"What? We both know how much Akane hated his teasing, He just never..." Nabiki began, her thought processes halting as she noticed something. Kasumi's use of pronouns. She'd used feminine language throughout to refer to Ranma. Almost no-one used feminine pro-nouns for Ranma except when Nodoka was in earshot or when it was one of the Kuno family. It was something that just didn't happen. Kasumi knew better… but still wasn't using male gender pronouns.
"What's up, Nabiki?" Kasumi asked, sweetly, "You trailed off for a moment..."
"Maybe the fact you didn't stop using feminine pronouns..." Ranma's voice gurgled for a moment, before she cracked an eyelid open, "Thankfully, No-one who would cause problems is awake right now, so you're not going to get the third degree from anyone. I will admit though... I'm not going to do that again."
"What the?" Nabiki hissed, "You were limp a few minutes ago! I was sure you were dead!"
"Genma would give it a flowery and complex name, but he still nicked it from some guy who could effectively stop his heart for about half an hour, completely go still, but hear anything nearby..." Ranma offered as she fully recovered, "I can do it for longer, even combined it with soul of ice so my body heat is gone that much faster as well..."
"I think it was your splendid acting that sold it to them..." Kasumi offered as she calmed down, "You even had me going, and I was the one who helped you organise it! I actually was worried because Akane took the wrong pan..."
"Can you please explain to me what's really going on?" Nabiki asked, annoyed, "I know what you said, but can't really trust any of it right now, but can you explain why Ranma isn't even acting like that hurt him… her… whatever..."
"If you'd been in Akibahara about two-three weeks ago, when Akane gave almost everyone a case of the runs for several days, you'd have seen a lot of things that would have ruined everything..." Ranma stated, "I was fine, even with Akane botching her part. Hell, I've been largely immune to her cooking for a long time… and Kasumi has tablets that she takes before anything Akane cooks..."
"We practised everything short of her waking up… That was adlibbed. I put out some of the more badly damaged pans to make sure she could sell the strike right and hit the stones exactly," Kasumi stated, "Admittedly, I hit slightly harder than Akane, and used a much heavier pan..."
"Admittedly, that day, we spent so much time in bed or the bathroom that I didn't even notice you were, most likely, both out..." Nabiki sighed, before, returning to her normal questions, "So, you were acting the whole time? You faked being poisoned, You faked being killed by that last hit… Hell, You faked the fact you were even hit hard enough to act like a girl!"
"Come on... Do you really think Akane can hit hard enough to knock me out? I was only pretending, well, most of it, to be that feminine to get that tomboy and my good for nothing old man to back off for a few days!" Ranma explained, "It worked perfectly too!"
"So, That whole thing with you acting like a girl and wanting to quit being the heir of the Saotome School… That was faked?" Nabiki asked, for them to shake their heads, "Huh? But you just said..."
"In that context, yep, it was all faked, I actually exaggerated how I normally do it..." Ranma admitted, slightly sheepishly.
"How you normally do it?" Nabiki asked.
"When Ranma is really being a girl, you can tell… For one, she drops the -ma from her name, walks almost like she's dancing, and even her fighting style is more based round a form of interpretive dance..." Kasumi mused, "Ran sparring put to music is one of the most beautiful, and lethal, sights I've seen..."
"It's why Kasumi woke me up… If someone with an ounce of sense looked me over, they'd notice I didn't have any symptoms of concussion..." Ranma offered, "Thankfully, no-one but Kasumi reads medical texts… She actually has a medical degree, you know..."
"When did that happen? I thought the college fund was drier than a desert..." Nabiki offered.
"Correspondence course, done using money raised myself," Kasumi stated, "Leaving that, Khu Lon would see right through the subterfuge, Doctor Tofu was on hand to help with the symptoms and he also helped with how an 'addled mind' would sound, even did an early version, apparently, of the wake up with us. Although, Ran, that monologue. You didn't do that during the rehearsals!"
"Heh… Needed to have some way to make sure you weren't too aware of what was happening, so I worked that out on my own. Since we had all the actors in place, so needed something unpractised..." Ranma responded, "Akane was around me so much, partially because Kasumi was making sure certain people weren't, and not who you think, and partially because we needed to make it seem completely natural..."
"So, What's the real story?" Nabiki asked, "Why make the entire house, even including myself, think you were..."
She trailed off as Kasumi drew a pair of rings out from where she'd hidden them, Ranma putting one on, while Kasumi did the other.
"What the?!" Nabiki stammered, not believing her eyes. They were expensive, they were a matched pair, they were...
"The Tendo and Saotome families were joined months ago," Kasumi stated simply, "You just never noticed, and we kept things going to keep it that way,"
"I know I saw you with an engagement ring shortly after Dr. Tofu closed his practice..." Nabiki mused, "I got a quick picture of it..."
"And then you put round the rumour mill that I'd got engaged to Dr. Tofu, and probably would be wed sometime in the future, meaning likely the wedding between Ranma and Akane would be soon since I'd be moving out..." Kasumi continued, "No problem with showing off that ring in your presence… But if I wore a wedding ring and he'd not returned..."
"Then I'd figure out it was a false lead..." Nabiki continued, cursing as she snapped, "You subverted my intelligence network?!"
"It wasn't that hard..." Ranma stated, "You've seen what you want to see for months… Ran's been pretty damn good at doing that, even before the wedding happened..."
"Why do you both have them?" Nabiki asked, "Last I heard, when a man marries a woman, it's generally only the woman who wears the ring..."
Kasumi took out a sheet of paper, clearly a wedding certificate, between Kasumi Tendo and...
"That doesn't say Ranma, or even Ran, Saotome..." Nabiki stated, "It does say 'Ran'..."
"The last name is my mother's, She was the one who witnessed it..." Ranma stated, or rather Ran, before she sighed, continuing "You already said it. I want out on being the 'heir of the Saotome-ryu', and that's it. This whole situation that my father put me into. I want to say 'Fuck it'. His... implied stupidity and lack of foresight has me, at least, engaged to an Amazon, a vengeful chef and a violent tomboy. So, I got Ukyo paid off, partially by paying off much more than my tab, it's part of why I get them on the house nowadays..."
"You've paid off Ukyo?!" Nabiki stated, "What about Xian Pu?"
"Shortly before the wedding, Me, Kasumi and Khu Lon spent several hours in the Chinese Embassy drawing up a 'peace treaty' of sorts," Ranma offered, "Not telling you the nitty-gritty, but, well, let's just say the parts of Saotome-ryu and Tendo-ryu which are still able to be classed as martial arts were given up to the Amazons..."
"You sold our family's style to the Amazons?" Nabiki hissed, wanting to yell, but knowing how thin the walls were, refrained.
"Actually, They belong to a new amazon maiden, called Ki Chen..." Kasumi declared with a smile.
"Ki Chen… Kit.. FUCK!" Nabiki explained, "The kiss of marriage requires..."
"I marry into the village, not specifically who..." Ran replied, "Since I am married to Ki Chen by Amazon law, Xian Pu can't do a thing..."
"I gave her some limitations... A few years before it's integrated into the Amazon combat style, all moves are up for reinterpretation... The only person who can forbid it is Happosai, and he'd have to talk to the Amazons directly..." Kasumi ticked off, "Anyway, back to why she did it... Notice anything?"
"Wait a minute... Ran's accent's completely different!" Nabiki exclaimed, "Let me guess, it's a put-on too... OK, How much else don't I know?"
Ranma looked like he was deep in thought, an expression that Nabiki hadn't seen before on the supposed martial artist's face.
"My secret bank account's details, The fact I've been teaching Kasumi a modified version of the Art, I own a cosplay store in central Akihabara..." Ranma began, counting things off as he listed them.
"When did you have time to run a cosplay store, especially in Akihabara!" Nabiki asked, annoyed, "Your father never gives you much chance to be alone!"
"Come on, Nabiki, you and me both know that my father is easily distracted. For the price of a ramen box, I can keep him distracted for a good few hours. Plus, my assistant manager handles most of it over the phone, and has you, without knowing it, handle the accounts. Not to brag, but you know those accounts you keep balancing that are several million yen in the black?"
Nabiki headed inside with Kasumi, Ranma jumping up and coming in through the window as she looked through the sheaf of papers that was her accounting.
"Let's see... That I recognise, That I recognise... Nekomata Cosplay, Aki... DAMMIT!" Nabiki cursed, looking down the numbers, then opening up a webpage. Both Ranma and Kasumi stood back, letting her work.
"Akane's hair trigger cost us both our college scholarship funds, since Father, bless him, stopped doing lessons, and isn't paid THAT well in his council work, so any overheads..." Nabiki began, her face going pale, as she read out, "Nekomata Cosplay, Akihabara, Manager - R. Tendo, Asst. Manager - K. Tendo."
"Damn, I knew we should have used your last name..." Kasumi offered. Ranma held up his hand, delaying the inevitable question.
"Look, even you can see that I make a few million yen just off that A WEEK. So, I have enough money to cover a whole secret life that my father knows nothing about, as well as Kasumi's correspondence course and, thanks to Ran and Ki Chen, a way to disappear," Ranma explained, "And I'm offering you, Nabiki, a chance to disappear at the same time..."
Nabiki paused. She had Ranma and Kasumi right where she wanted him. He'd eloped with Kasumi. He'd eloped with Kasumi. And he wasn't rising to the bait.
"If I need to add anything, The marriage contract wasn't specific. It only said that Ranma must marry one of Soun Tendo's daughters..." Kasumi offered, "Akane was just assumed."
"OK, OK, You've clearly got everything sorted on that front, but what do you mean by 'disappear'?" Nabiki asked. Kasumi sighed, rubbing her temples.
"Come on, Nabiki, you're meant to be the smart one in the family. Can you honestly say you're happy doing the books for the dojo?" She asked, "I had to attend college on a correspondence course to keep the facade up, because he can't possibly actually lift a finger to help us..."
Ran reached into the shirt she was wearing, pulling out a sealed plastic bag with some pieces of paper and a roll of yen in it, drying her hand off with a towel and handing Nabiki one of the pieces of paper.
"What I'm offering you is a chance to have a future..." Ranma stated, "I'm going to be moving into Akibahara full time in a few days..."
"It's a full ride scholarship, your choice of college and course, in exchange for Genma not learning he's been out-maneuvered," Kasumi stated, "You stay around and continue to do this, well, That's up to you, but Akibahara doesn't wave off property damage like Furinkan does..."
"You even get the job of full-time accountant, if you want it, at the store, with a nice chunk of the money going into your accounts..." Ranma added, "You want to handle my money, well... You get to handle all of it."
"Why are you doing all this, despite all the crap I've put you through?" Nabiki asked.
"Well, there's two reasons," Ran offered, "First, you have potential, and not the kind of potential Soun and Genma use you for. And second, because I know if I don't have you paid off, then I can expect Akane, The Kunos, Ryoga and God knows who or what else smashing up a relatively quiet part of Akihabara and getting the place closed down in moments,"
"Both me and Ran would be targets for years," Kasumi sighed, "We'd be hiding out in China behind Amazon laws for the rest of our lives..."
"OK, Yes, I will admit that I would have sold the address for your store to the highest bidder in a week, and probably it would be around the usual suspects in two, but still, What kind of potential made you do it?" Nabiki asked.
"As we've said before, you're smart. If the store goes under, well, you're going to lose the one chance to get out of the rut you're carving for yourself. You'd be being approached by the Yakuza and pressured into working for them, not long after you become 18. Akane... If she learns self-control, I have an open scholarship at a culinary academy for her in the short-term, and a fixer-upper dojo for her in the long term..." Ranma offered.
Nabiki cracked a smile at the jibe about her sister's hopeless problems with cooking, and thought about it. Ranma was right. She'd probably end up laundering money for the Yakuza if she continued as she was doing, and the numbers Ranma was quoting were much better than she'd ever make on that 'career'.
"You have a deal, Saotome..." Nabiki stated, "You do know I'll check those statements are accurate..."
"No problem. I'll have my assistant manager let you near the books later," Ran stated, taking a padded pouch out of a hidden weapons pocket, opening it up to show several smartphones, tossing one at her, Nabiki noting most of them were fairly recent. Why he had them, she didn't know.
"What's this for?" Nabiki asked.
"This is important..." Ranma stated, "That's a secure phone, compared to the house phone, as well as your old mobile..."
Nabiki looked through the numbers on the phone, noticing it had all her contacts already preloaded.
"...which you must not use, and you must leave your old phone here," Ranma continued, "I'm going to need you to call all the people on this list..."
He took out a second phone, this one a cheap basic phone, tossing it to her. She could get these for a few hundred yen, and knew exactly what it was for.
"Use this one for that," Ranma stated, "I'm going to be sending some messages on time delay. However, the most important thing is that you call everyone on the list, tell them Genma wants to see them tomorrow morning, then head for Akibahara, dump the phone on your way out, but not within Nerima, and head to the store,"
"What are you planning?" Nabiki asked.
"In 24 hours, anyone in this house will be facing the music, while I'll be heading for China to finish off what I sorted at the Embassy," Ranma stated, "I'd like you to handle the store for the next week, since we'll be out of the country, so no-one can locate us, more than anything..."
Nabiki nodded, watching as he adopted an expression that she'd seen a few times on the boy-turned-girl, before heading into the house proper, Nabiki hearing, a few minutes later, Genma ordering Ran out of that dress, followed by a loud crack.
"Hmm... She actually managed to learn how to use Akane's secret technique. Must tell the Amazons about that..." Kasumi declared as she looked out of the window, Nabiki beginning to make the calls. She would not be here when the smoke settled...