Summary: Set in late season 3 (more exactly in 3x19) Ryan confronts Marissa about her drinking and it leads to a confrontation between the two which eventually brings the couple to new bittersweet beginnings.
A/N: Another late season 3 fic. If you remember in 3x19 (The Secrets and Lies) there's a scene where Marissa and Volcholk are on the beach where he asks her if she wants to be treated better and when she shakes off his questions, he offers her some coke and this fic is set a while after that incident. For the purposes of this fic, Sadie also doesn't leave Newport and she and Ryan are just continuing as normal. Everything else apart from that matches the timeline of the show. That's all from me. Read and review please.
Ryan Atwood is strolling down the pier with his new girlfriend Sadie. She tells him a funny story and later laughs heartily at her own story. Ryan smiles happily in response and takes in her smiling face relishing the total absence of any drama. Being with her is so easy; they go on dates, make casual small talk and then later make-out and inevitably have sex. It's a simple cycle that goes on with little variation. The easiness brings with it a lack of real substance which Ryan is content with. He doesn't mind that their conversations don't mean anything; that when he looks into her eyes he doesn't feel his pulse racing.
He doesn't want substance anymore because the last time he had anything of substance with a girl, it destroyed him. He tells himself this is what he needs: the brunette who laughs at her own jokes, whose kisses fulfill the purpose but are brash and cold; not the impossibly tall blonde who captured his mind since the moment they met. He's locking up those memories yet when he watches Sadie's smile, he's reminded of the other girl's smile, so soft and gentle emulating a burst of vibrant joy that could send a stream of warmth running from his head to his toes. The other girl who is called Marissa and not Sadie.
The pair stops for a while to gaze on to the sea. Sadie's hand grabs on to his, willing him to pry them open and he obliges. It doesn't feel right to hold her hand in his, not when he knows what right really feels like; how two hands can clasp together like missing pieces in a puzzle. But, he's not about to complain because he needs her and the blissful easiness she brings that's keeping intact the delicate bubble of feelings he's built for himself. He remembers the thought he just had about her, the other girl, Marissa, and it sends anxiety racing through him. He shakes his head inwardly because he can barely even think her name without the pangs of hurt, regret and loss hitting him. The bubble he has built feels so fragile, so filled with fractures which could cause it to collapse at any moment.
Sadie begins to talk once again but Ryan's eyes continue to cast over the sea intently. Usually he would try and listen to his girlfriend but today's been one of those days where the memories he's buried have been pushing their way through. When he found out yesterday that Marissa had been seeing Kevin Volcholk, he had nonchalantly told Seth he didn't care just like he had told himself when he saw her turn up to school drunk. This morning he had thought that talking to Volcholk would resolve the incessant agony in his mind but for the rest of the day he was still left trying to tell himself, he doesn't care. So, when his eyes stray to the desolate figure who sits alone on the empty beach, dimly lit up by the small fire next to her, he has to tell himself again that he doesn't care yet his eyes remain transfixed on that person. As Sadie leans into kiss his cheek, all he notices is how familiar the person's frame is to the girl he used to know and when Sadie asks him if he wants to come back to her place, his eyes catch the shining glint of what he knows is a flask filled with pure vodka. He can't deny it anymore; he cares. He tells Sadie he's feeling tired so she should just go home by herself. Then his eyes dart anxiously back to the lonely figure on the beach and his feet begin to move of its own accord down to the beach as the feelings which have been submerged begin to come rushing at him with no restraint.
Marissa Cooper sits alone on the beach, the vodka burning her throat and her pain along with it. She watches the waves crashing into one another and she gives herself a sad, self-depreciating smile. The waves remind her of her life, a relentless stream of misfortunes and disappointments she seems destined to crash into. It's why she seeks solace here at the beach because it's the only thing that matches the chaos she feels within herself. Chaos; an empty chaos like the barren beach she is sitting on. She tells herself it's the only reason she stays with Volcholk because if she lost him as well, the emptiness would consume her. She is reminded of what had just happened tonight, how he had offered her coke. He hadn't pressured her and she had said no but the memory scares her because she fears what would happen if the emptiness inside her grew too great? Suddenly she might find herself saying yes. The thought makes her shudder and although there's a small fire keeping her warm, a cold chill runs down her spine.
"That's just fantastic Marissa." She immediately recognizes the voice that comes from behind; she could recognize it anywhere. For a second she panics that somehow Ryan's read her thoughts but when she looks down to the metallic flask in her hands, she lets out a deep sigh because she knows why he's here. She wonders how long he had been there, why he had even bothered to come. Why does he still care? But then she tells herself, he doesn't care.
"Not now Ryan. I can't do this, so just go home." Her voice comes out flat, lacking emotion. She knows he won't listen but a part of her worries he might and then she would have lost him again. She keeps her eyes focused on the waves; if she doesn't see him then maybe when he leaves, she can just tell herself it was a hallucination. A pathetic creation of her mind. Ryan watches the non-responsive girl in front of him. At first it breaks his heart to see her reduced to this broken state but anger quickly takes over. He's here, he's trying and she couldn't give a shit.
"I'm not leaving, not until you listen because I'm tired of this. The drinking, the not giving a shit about anything, I'm fucking tired Marissa. This needs to stop." Finally, Marissa's on her feet, her hands still clutching the flask but her eyes staring down into his and the anger, even the hatred, she sees causes her to wince more than his words did.
"No you don't get to say that to me Ryan, not anymore. You don't get to be angry, you don't get to be tired because you left, you fucking left and this is what you left. I'm a broken mess but I'm not your mess anymore so you don't have the right to tell me anything." Her voice which had risen to a loud scream drops softly at her last sentence. She's tired too; of the drinking, the fighting, the falling apart. Nevertheless she can feel herself hurting again and she tries to unscrew the lid of the flask she's tightly grasping on to. The action however does not go unnoticed by Ryan and before he has time to think, he's snatching it from her hand and hurtling into the sea.
"For fuck's sake Marissa. Stop it, stop being so selfish."
"Selfish? I'm not hurting anyone. Tell me, who am I hurting?"
"You're hurting yourself."
"So what? Why does that matter?"
"Because I still care. I fucking care Marissa. And I'm so fucking scared that one day I'm going to find you on this beach and it's not going to be like the night I found you passed out on your driveway or even Tijuana, I'm actually going to find you dead. What the fuck am I going to do then Marissa? What the fuck is Summer supposed to do? Julie? So you see, you're not just hurting yourself." His face that had been so livid with anger, now looks tired as he collapses onto the sand, his head tucked between his legs. "It's not just that though. I can't watch you like this, just throwing your life away when you could do so much. The worst part is knowing...that it's my fault." His eyes connect with Marissa's again and this time she doesn't see anger, she just sees guilt and anguish and all she wants to do is make it go away.
"It's not your fault." she says softly as she moves to sit next to him.
"I left, didn't I? You said that and you were right. I was a coward; I left you when you needed me the most. I broke you."
"That's not what I meant and I was broken long before you left, you couldn't fix me Ry, not even if you tried."
"It's still my fault though because it just all goes back to Trey doesn't it? And he was my brother, he was my responsibility. He should have never been able to hurt you, I should have never let him and then the shooting, if I hadn't gone over there you would have never have had to shoot him. All of that happened because of me. I created the mess so if this mess ends up destroying your life, it's on me." Marissa's hands move over to his face so his eyes are finally looking into hers which have become stained with tears.
"There is nothing you could have done about Trey; you could have never known what would happen and the shooting? Trey shouldn't have been trying to kill you in the first place. You have to stop blaming yourself for what Trey did. There were things that happened between us that maybe we could have done differently and who knows, we might have made it work or maybe it would have still ended up the same but that's on both of us: you and I. We both made mistakes and if my life's a mess, that's because of Trey and my own choices." His eyes grow less strained as she continues to tell him, "You didn't break me Ryan, in fact you were the only thing keeping me together. Three years ago when you came to Newport, I was falling and you saved me. I already owe everything to you, so I can't let you try and save me again. Besides, there are some things that you can't save me from and that's just the way it is. I have to save myself." Her right hand drops to find his and their hands are entwined once again. Ryan moves his head to rest against hers as her left hand lightly strokes his hair.
"You will stop won't you? The drinking. Promise me you will."
"I promise I'll try, I want to but it's just not that easy."
"I'll be here, I'm not going to leave this time. I know you can, I know it so promise you will." He speaks with such assured confidence that she begins to believe him and having him near, makes everything seem easier.
"Okay, I promise." she finally says.
"And you'll leave him too?" She is happy to oblige to his second request, in fact she had pondered the idea herself just a few minutes ago not because tonight had made her think her and Ryan may get back together but because it had given her some courage to piece the broken pieces together and move forward. Regardless though, she thought she might tease Ryan just a little.
"How do you know I don't really like him?" This brings a mystified expression of disbelief to his face and Marissa has to bite her lip to stop herself from laughing.
"Well...sometimes the things you want might not be good for you. Besides you could do so much better."
"So could you." The words escape her mouth before she has time to assess them and immediately she regrets it, wondering if she had overstepped some boundary. "Sorry, I don't even know her."
"No, it's ok. I don't really know what it is I have with her or if it's worth having. Look, I'll make you a deal, you leave him and I leave her?" His offer takes her by surprise and as much as she would have loved to accept it, she knows he is better off with Sadie.
"You don't have to do that. I was going to break up with Volcholk anyway, I was just teasing you." She wasn't certain but for a few seconds, Marissa could swear that Ryan seemed disappointed that he would not have to break up with his girlfriend.
The pair sits there on the beach for a long while, watching the waves and the few flickering flames of the fire. Gradually their arms wrap around each other and Ryan buries his face into neck, her hands still brushing his hair. After a while Marissa feels the press of his warm, soothing lips against her neck and the trail of his kisses lead up to her own lips. She wants nothing more than to lose herself in his long and heavy kisses but she also knows they're falling into waters they still don't know how to swim in.
"Sometimes the things you want might not be good for you." she says sadly pulling away from his kiss.
"That's not true for us." His eyes are pleading with hers but she just shakes her head with dejection.
"The reasons we broke up, they haven't just all disappeared tonight. I think there's a lot that we need to understand by ourselves before we can resolve our problems together. Maybe you don't need that but I know I do." Her voice grows increasing shaky and the tears begin to roll down and before she really falls apart she adds, "You understand, don't you?" She barely finishes the sentence before the tears overcome her. After finally having Ryan back into her life, it seems like she is about to lose him again. She had expected him to just walk away, especially having seen the crying mess she was but instead he holds her in a comforting embrace.
"I understand but I don't want to lose you. If we can't be together, we can be friends. We've been friends before, haven't we?" He's giving her a reassuring smile even though this is hurting him just as much but he wants to make her feel better because although he doesn't want to admit it, this is the right choice.
"Yeah we have." She knows that's not completely true because they've never really been just friends, she knows that the lines of their friendship will be blurred but she doesn't think about it now. The crying has eased down a little bit as she tells him, "This isn't forever, I hope not. I just want the next time we try to be together to be it; no more break ups. The next time, we will make it work."
"We will." he says in response. "I'll see you later, okay." Then he presses a kiss on her forehead before getting up and leaving. Marissa watches him walk away but she feels less uneasy about it then she would a just a couple of hours ago. The waves Marissa had been watching before, have calmed now and instead her gaze is drawn to the yellow flames of the fire, still burning under the turmoil of the cold night sky.