I've been writing a lot of Ash/Shep stuff lately and I decided I missed Kaidan. So here's some long overdue Shenko, in keeping with my other bits, The Calm Before the Storm and Lakshadweep.
Fix
By Badpie
He wondered if she was actually trying to drive him mad.
Ever since they'd been back on the Normandy, two whole months now, Kaidan Alenko had been a tortured man. He had to laugh at how pathetic he seemed, how weak he felt. There was no use denying it any longer. He was hopelessly in love with Jane Shepard. He should have seen this coming. This poetic justice of sorts. He'd been the one to say things between them couldn't change. He'd put the initial parameter on their relationship. Stupid. He was stupid. How could he have possibly thought that the one incredible week they spent together after Sovereign's defeat wouldn't change things? They'd said their goodbyes, written it off as something that would never be and went their separate ways. But he was fooling himself and he knew it.
Worse, was that Shepard seemed fine. There might as well have been nothing between them prior with the way she was acting. She was as professional as ever, maybe even more so. She didn't sneak glances at him. She rarely smiled at him. She barely even looked at him except to give him a direct order. Needless to say, they hadn't really spoken much. It was killing him. It was awkward.
And it was distracting. He was distracted from his work. It was the very thing he had hoped wouldn't happen. During debriefings he found himself half listening as he watched her beautiful lips move. Even the simple act of her wetting them with her tongue turned him into a feverish fool.
He sat at a console in the co-pilot chair, rested his forehead in one of his hands and sighed. What was wrong with him? He certainly hadn't expected to be feeling this way. From the moment he'd met her he'd been taken with her. But now he was positively enraptured by her very presence, something he hadn't expected. His mind drifted to the week they'd spent together at the beach house. He'd made love to her, tasted her ivory skin, and listened to her say his name in the throes of passion. He'd made her giggle, for god sake, ran his fingers through her dark hair, slept next to her, held her. They'd shared things about their past and future. And now he felt like a giant goon.
They'd decided to not carry on their relationship for the good of the cause, the completion of the mission, the respect for the rules. They'd been worried about it being distracting to them both. Kaidan laughed bitterly. Ironic that now he was more distracted than ever. It hadn't affected his performance as a marine. Not yet anyway, but he was starting to worry it would.
"What the hell is wrong with you, man?" Kaidan heard Joker say, annoyed. He looked up.
"What? I – oh nothing." Kaidan said and he went back to concentrating on the console.
"Bullshit," Joker accused. "I just asked you three times."
"I was listening. I'm calibrating the stealth mods now." Joker shook his head.
"No, man. That's not what I asked. You weren't even listening to that whole thing. I asked you what you thought of Private Stanson." It took Kaidan a moment. Wow. He really hadn't been listening. He wondered when he had actually checked out of the conversation.
"The housekeeper?" he asked, still confused.
"Yeah. Freddie," Joker said. "The blonde. Cute right?"
"Oh right. Right. Yes. She's cute. Pretty quiet. Why?" Joker rolled his eyes, clearly agitated by his friend's lack of interest.
"Cause I think she has a thing for me."
"She washes your underwear, Joker. There's no way she has a thing for you."
"Well maybe I have a thing for her." Joker seemed almost shy about it for a second and Kaidan realized he was a little sensitive on the subject.
"Oh. I didn't know," Kaidan said. He sort of mumbled through the next part. "You realize you're an officer right?" he said, only partially committed to it, perhaps a little bitter in an if he couldn't then Joker couldn't kind of way. Joker was quiet for moment.
"You're one to talk," he mumbled back. Kaidan had seen that coming. He was positive Joker knew full well that there was something between him and the Commander. He'd given Kaidan crap about his obvious crush from the beginning, from the moment after they'd both met her.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he said, playing dumb. Joker gave him a look and stared at him for a moment.
"You're kidding me, right?" Joker finally said, frustrated. "You're actually gonna play it that way."
"What way?"
"You are killing me, Alenko."
"What?"
"Seriously. You can't even talk to me about it."
"About what?" Kaidan said dismissively. He was getting a headache; one that he hoped wouldn't turn into a migraine.
"Oh my god." Joker shook his head. "You're hopeless. You know, I can't help you if you won't let me."
Kaidan realized Joker probably wouldn't let it go. And he knew Joker could keep a secret. They'd talked. They were friends. They had an open rapport when it came to a lot of things. Kaidan had been the one Joker had confided in about his feelings for Ash so many months ago. And Kaidan had been the one to sit with Joker and somberly share a bottle of whiskey after the mission on Virmire had claimed Ash's life. They'd both been pretty torn up about it and they'd bonded.
"Miiight make you feel better to talk about it," Joker coaxed sweetly. Kaidan sighed.
"Fine," he said. "What do you want me to say? That I have inappropriate feelings for the Commander? I'm sure that's not a shock to you."
"Nope. That's old news. Everyone already knows that. Besides, that one time she accused me of spying?" He nodded. "I was spying."
"Great."
"I can't blame you. I mean, hell, half the guys on this ship would love to get ordered around by her if you know what I mean."
"Joker."
"Sorry. Over the line. All I'm saying is that maybe we've all earned a little….leniency…with the regs. I'm just sayin'. And I don't know what happened between you two." He put his hands up in front of him. "None of my business, I don't need to know." Joker looked mischievous. "…unless you really feel like you need to share any steamy details."
"Joker."
"Fine. Sorry. But I just thought you should know that you're acting like an idiot." Kaidan sunk in his chair.
"Oh no," he said, suddenly playing every interaction with the crew he'd ever had in his head, hoping he hadn't actually been an idiot.
"Relax, buddy. No one is as observant as I am. You're good. Just a heads up."
"This is great. Just…fantastic." Kaidan said sarcastically.
"Also, whatever you have to do to nip that shit in the bud, you better. If you gotta get on your knees and beg her to pay attention to you, bang her in the laundry room, or profess your undying love or something, whatever you guys do, do it. If it'll get it out of your system, you should go for it." Joker nodded. "And that's my two cents. I won't say any more….unless you really would like to give me some steamy details." Kaidan gave Joker a withering look. "Fine," the pilot conceded. "You're no fun."
As much as Kaidan hated to admit it, Joker was right. It might do some good to clear the air and get it out of his system. He would talk to her, if only just to get a mild fix of her. He looked at the console in front of him, then at Joker.
"Could you uh..." He started.
"I got you covered. Go ahead."
Kaidan nodded, stood, started to walk away, then turned.
"Oh um – "
"You're welcome. Now go."
He did. Kaidan wasn't sure where exactly he would find the commander and he wasn't sure what exactly he would say when he got to her. If she was at the map, or around other people, he might have to try again later. She wasn't at the map. Pressley appeared to be helming the map room so Kaidan passed through and headed to the mess. With any luck, Shepard had taken liberty and was in her quarters.
He stopped dead in his tracks when he hit the mess and realized what he was actually planning. What would he say? He hadn't even thought about what would come out of his mouth. And he had no idea how she would react to any of it. If he went in, guns blazing, and just laid it all out on the table like before, it could go one of three ways: She could reciprocate, leaving them exactly where they had tried not to be. She could tell him he was being a jerk and to get over it because she didn't feel the same way, or worst of all, she could say she did feel the same way but still couldn't do anything about it. He thought at least if she just said she didn't care about him he could get over it, even if she was lying.
Kaidan wasn't very good at winging it. The first time he'd come to her, just before Ilos, he'd had a whole stupid speech planned about how grateful he was to serve with her, how privileged he was to know her, etc. It had all fallen away and he'd turned to putty in her hands as soon as she'd looked at him with any hint of desire in her eyes. For such a disciplined, rational guy, Kaidan sometimes felt like a puppy around Shepard. It was a little embarrassing.
Nip it in the bud.
Kaidan took a deep breath and walked to Shepard's door. Whatever was going to happen, it was something and something was better than nothing. He hit the call button. After a second he heard a muffled "come in" and the door opened.
She was standing in the same spot she had been the night they'd first stayed together. She smiled at him. He melted.
"Kaidan," she said. "What can I do for you?" She looked uncomfortable, a rarity for Commander Shepard. Kaidan immediately regretted this visit. He opened his mouth to speak, but stopped himself. She smiled again, seemingly amused by his awkwardness and then he saw her relax. "Hey," she said, using a much more familiar tone.
"Hey," He managed, his brown eyes suddenly locking onto her green ones. After a moment she lowered hers and sat on the edge of her desk.
"You look like you need to say something," she said. Shepard had always been direct.
"I do need to say something," he said. "I'm just…well I'm not real sure what that is yet." She smiled a little again and stood.
"You're not very good at these visits," she joked, moving toward him. He inwardly panicked. He hadn't counted on her actually being in close proximity while he tried to speak. She stopped about four feet away from him.
"I'm sorry I've been avoiding you," she said. It confirmed Kaidan's suspicion that she had been.
"Yeah about that," he began. "I'm feeling like maybe we need to clear the air a little here." He was feeling more comfortable now that he was actually speaking with her. She nodded.
"I've been thinking about that," She said. "A lot. And you're right. We need…something."
"I miss talking to you." The words came out much more quickly than he would have liked. She looked surprised for just a second, and then looked down again. She was trying not to look at him. She let out a frustrated, almost defeated sigh.
"I…" her guard was completely down now. Kaidan suddenly saw the Shepard he'd known in another brief life. She finally looked at him. "Everything is so…blurry…Kaidan."
"I know. But maybe that's okay," he said. "Maybe we just accept that nothing between us can be like it was." She furrowed her brow.
"What are you saying?" He didn't really know. He was winging it.
"Look," he said. He resisted the urge to grab her hand at her side. "There are a lot of things I want to say right now, and I'm not gonna say them. But I just can't pretend that nothing happened. I can't walk around trying to erase it." He shrugged. "I just can't. And I won't." He gave in and reached for her hand. She didn't pull away, but still kept her gaze down. Kaidan wrapped his fingers around her hand and squeezed gently. To his relief she squeezed back. "I know we can't…I know that. But we can't pretend we don't…that we aren't special to each other." He was losing his will power. He tried to resist as his other hand reached up to touch the side of her face, but he lost. He watched her eyes close as his thumb delivered a feathery stroke to her cheek and as his hand came to rest at the base of her skull, fingers embedded in her rarely down hair, she stepped closer to him.
This wasn't going exactly as he'd planned. What he was trying to communicate to her had gotten jumbled. Even he didn't know what he was talking about anymore. She was practically pressed against him now, her face very close to his, when she opened her eyes again. He could tell she was trying to form a thought. He'd given up on thinking a few seconds ago. Finally she spoke softly.
"I do want this, Kaidan. I do. I'm… but it's…" His other hand was suddenly on the other side of her face, mirroring the other. She touched her forehead to his and he closed his eyes. He was practically dizzy with her scent. As their noses touched, he felt her hands move to his chest. His lips barely brushed hers timidly.
"Commander Shepard report to the map please." Pressley's voice rang loud and clear over the com. Inside, Kaidan's mind cursed as he and Shepard both exhaled, frustrated. She pushed slightly on his chest, moving away from him a little.
"I have to go," she whispered. Kaidan nodded, but she couldn't see him since she was already looking down. His hands fell from her face and she moved past him to the door. He turned, watched her go and then plopped down on the top of the table that was just behind him.
He wasn't sure exactly what had just happened. In fact he was pretty sure it was the opposite of what he'd set out to accomplish. He'd needed to get her off of his mind and now he was as much of a mess as ever, probably more so. Oddly, he found himself smiling. She had at the very least admitted that she'd wanted him. That was something. It was better than wondering. It would do for now. He reminded himself to kick Pressley when he got the chance, and he made his way back up to Joker. Somehow, not even his ridicule could get to Kaidan right now.