Chapter 1: What are these feelings?

I've been watching Alfred for some time, and no matter how I look at it, I've come to realise that I have some minor feelings for him.
But the big question remains: what are these feelings? I know that I have them, but what ARE they? But...I know that he doesn't feel anything for me, he has feelings for Arthur... I'm not really that jealous, just disappointed.

"Alfred, over here!" Arthur calls to me. Here we go again.....

"I'm MATTHEW, not Alfred!" I say as I point to myself with my cheeks puffed out. He blushes a bit from embarrassment, then scratches his head.

"Sorry Matthew. Do you know where Alfred is? We were supposed to meet here at the park an hour ago, and he still hasn't shown."

I shake my head no, remembering that I 'forgot' to tell Alfred about Arthur. We share an apartment because Alfred's job doesn't pay him enough, and we have to share a cellphone to boot. I remember telling Arthur that Alfred said that he'd come, but I was lying out of jealousy to be honest.

"Maybe he forgot Arthur-San. You know how Alfred is. He's probably at McDonald's, knowing him." I tell him, the jealousy boiling in me. Arthur sighs angrily, then walks away. Maybe I should have told him the truth? But then Alfred would get closer to him, and that would ruin the tiny chance I have to be with him. Hm...now that I think about it, Arthur will ask Alfred about the meeting at the park-which he didn't know about-, and then they'll confront me about it. I'll just come up with an alibi. No big deal. My stomach growls, interrupting my thoughts. 'I'll just go to I hop.' I mumble to myself as I walk out of the park. The wind blow, smacking my bangs into my glasses. I pull out some hair clips to hold my bangs back, then continue on my way to I hop.

When I'm finally seated at a booth, I see Alfred and Arthur at a table, apparently laughing at a joke or something. I sigh, then bury my face into my bear, Kumajiro. "Sir, here's your food." the waiter tells me. "Ah, thank you." I say, blushing from embarrassment. I pick up my knife and fork and begin to eat my pancakes. My eyes slide over back to Arthur and Alfred, who are talking again. I feel my anger burning, but inside of letting it out, I keep it in. I don't want to make them mad, or ruin their...date. By the time I've finished, they're laughing again. And I heard what they were talking about. 'Matthew's always been so jealous. I bet if a bird was getting more attention then him, he'd try to kick it away!' WHAT NICE FRIENDS I HAVE. I puff my cheeks in anger, then look away from them. I leave the money for my food on the table, then as I was about to pick up Kumajiro, Arthur and Alfred spotted me as they were getting up from their table. "Hey Matthew! I didn't know you were here!" Alfred says as he walks to where I'm sitting. "I didn't know you were here either, Alfred! What a surprise!" I say with a painted smile on my face. Arthur stares at me, sorta like he's trying to make me stay away from Alfred or something. I just smile on through, hoping they won't see my anger and jealousy growing.

After we talked for a bit, Alfred decided to make me tag along with them to the mall. "I don't know, Alfred. I still have to write my report for 's science class. And I have to start on my math homework for 's class." Alfred frowned, and Arthur seemed to have a spark of joy in his eyes. I looked at Alfred, then at Arthur. Hm...if I go home, it would mean that Arthur would have his way. But I if go with them, I would win against him. "But, I could always start later." Alfred grinned and Arthur frowned. Alfred grabbed my hand and Arthur's hand, then dragged us to the mall, and I was blushing the whole time because Alfred was holding my hand. When we got into the mall, Alfred ran off, apparently because of something he ate at Ihop. It wasn't that Alfred ran off that bothered me. It was because I was left alone with Arthur, and so far me and him weren't exactly the best of friends. He gave me a dirty look, then growled.

"He's not interested in you, Matthew," Arthur said with his arms crossed, "and it won't help if you lie to him and me. You're only making it harder then it is. If he WAS interested in you, don't you think that he would have showed signs or something to imply it?" I flinched, not expecting Arthur to say something so...cruel. "I don't like him. And I didn't lie. I told him, but he must have not been paying attention. I would never go for someone who has no feelings for me." I say while looking ahead, my grip around Kumajiro growing tighter by the second.

"Did Alfred give you that?" Arthur said while pointing to Kumajiro. It seemed like he was trying to be a little friendly, which was weird considering what he had just said to me. "Yeah. When we were little, he made it for me by scratch. He said it took him alot of tries to get it right." Arthur looked Kumajiro over, then grabbed it from my hands. He rotated Kumajiro around, like he was looking for something on him. "Hm...what would happen if I pulled this string?" It took me a moment to register what he was talking about, but then it hit me. "N-no! Don't pull that!" but he didn't listen, and so Kumajiro's head fell off. Arthur smirked, then gave me Kumajiro back. Talk about a bad day. I tried my best to remain calm, which was pretty hard since I've grown attached to it over all these years. Used to, I didn't like Kumajiro, but I don't remember why. I grabbed a travel sewing kit out of my pocket, sat down on a bench, then tried my best to sew Kumajiro's head back on. I looked up to see no sign of Alfred, and to find that Arthur had left me all alone; it didn't bother me, eveyone's done that to me. When I finally finished sewing Kumajiro head the mall was closing, and I had to run to get out in time. I looked at my watch: 11:02. Alfred's probably home by now...

I made a desperate run for our apartment, hoping that Alfred wouldn't be too mad at me because of the time. But surprisingly enough, by the time I got there, no one was home. I grabbed the house key from my pocket and opened the door slowly. I threw off my shoes and plopped down on the chair next to the window, tired and exhausted. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, which was going pretty well. Until I heard Arthur and Alfred outside laughing and joking around. I opened my eyes to find them kissing each other goodbye, which sorta turned out into a make out session. I felt the tears coming up, then made a dash for my bedroom. I cryed into my pillow, the negative thoughts in my mind making it worse. "Why not me?" I asked myself as I quickly pulled myself together. Luckily for me, when I had fully recovered from it, Alfred had walked into the bedroom.

"Why'd ya ditch us at the mall?" Alfred asked me, pouting. If I tell him, I'll ruin their relationship... "Kumajiro's string got caught on a bush, and I had to fix it." I hope he'll buy it. Alfred looked at me with a curious look, then shrugged. "With all those plants in there, it was bond to happen. Don't worry, I'll fix him." Alfred sat on the bed, pulled out a sewing kit, then started to work. My chest hurts, and it won't stop. I know that I should tell him....but he just seems so happy. If I ruin it for him, it would just kill me on the inside and would hurt him.

"There, all better~!" Alfred said with a grin as he gave me Kumajiro back. "T-thanks, Alfred. Um, I going to bed." I ran into the bathroom and changed, then buried my face in the bed so Alfred wouldn't see me blushing. Alfred fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, but I couldn't get to sleep. Upstairs, I heard Tara and Ivan arguing AGAIN about who would go to bed first. I got up and walked to the medicine cabinet to find that all the sleeping pills were gone, and that even the Advil bottle was empty. Great. I slumped, then as I made my way back to the bed, my eyes caught view of a jacket that Alfred gave me one year ago. 'Hey, Matty! This suits you perfectly!' 'But Alfred, I don't really need it.' 'So? It's better to be prepard then to be sorry!~' I remember it really well because that was the day I lost my probably only chance to be with him. I was about to ask him if he liked me when he got a text message from Arthur. 'Matty, guess what?!' I tilted my head. 'What?' 'Me and Arthur are going on a date' I had smiled for him, and after he ran off to see Arthur I had a breakdown on the way home. I had stayed in the rain for about four hours until I calmed down, then I had walked home. The jacket had somehow kept me from getting a cold, which proved that Alfred was right. Alfred wasn't home, so I had to wait on the porch because that was before we each had a key. I was dried when he got back, and he was so happy he didn't even notice that I had worn that jacket after all. Damn, I'm gonna make myself have a breakdown again if I keep this up...

~*MORNING*~ By the time I got to sleep, the alarm clock went off. "Matthew, wake up~! It's time for school!~" I reluctantly sat up only to feel barf coming up.
"Hm..." Alfred put his hand on my forehead, which felt really cold. "You're really warm, Matthew. You're gonna stay home, and I'm gonna take care of you. I'll go call in sick." Alfred got up from the bed, then grabbed our cellphone. I wanted to stop him, but I felt like I was gonna die if I sat up any longer, so I just plopped back down and closed my eyes. I felt Alfred get on the bed, then put something cool on my forehead. It sort of made me sleepy. Alfred picked me up and carried me to the couch; he put me in his lap, and turned on the TV. "uh?" I mumbled, out of it.

"Well, when I'm sick, TV always helps me! Just try to listen to it and it'll help." I listened to Scrubs reruns for a while-which did sort of help-
then I fell asleep. Next thing I know when I open my eyes, I'm lying RIGHT NEXT TO ALFRED on the bed! I felt my face turn red, but I didn't do anything because I still felt like shit. "Go back to sleep...." Alfred mumbled to me in his sleep which was followed by snoring. I sighed, then curled up next to him, slowly falling back asleep.