Tony Stark sat on the bench feeling the most ridiculous he could recall feeling in his life. He couldn't fathom how Thor and Rogers had managed to talk him into a blind date. No, he knew exactly how he had gotten here. A couple shots of Jack and the world all started to blend together, including the words 'yes' and 'no'.
Thor had even talked him into wearing this ridiculous get-up. Gold skinny jeans with an oversized green sweater. Tony grimaced, not only did he look like a gay man; he looked like a gay man with poor taste in clothes. He tugged at this collar, choking slightly. God those stupid friends of his were going to pay for this.
Rogers himself didn't know anything about this person he was supposed to be meeting, except that they were madly in love with the colors green and gold, and seemingly had a thing for spandex pants…he pulled back the fabric and snapped his leggings with a grimace. Supposedly, this whole thing was set up by Thor-the damn thunder head. He made a mental note to lock the demi-god in the basement without his hammer if his date wasn't a picture perfect model with a nice set of legs and a chest to match.
He clutched at the collar of his sweater again. What are you supposed to do if you have absolutely nothing in common with your blind date? What do you do if you find that you're absolute soul mates? Is it acceptable, if it goes swimmingly, to invite them back to your place? If it's a complete mess is it alright to creep out the back door of the restaurant? He coughed slightly; this whole thing was doing nothing for his nerves.
He checked his watch. It was 8:01, which means that his date was late, sure, only a minute late, but late just the same. He sighed, if his date didn't show up in the next two-or-some-odd-minutes he was going to grovel to Pepper Potts about how stupid he'd been lately, and beg for forgiveness.
Just as he was fixing to head back to Stark tower to get on his knees for Pepper, he heard the sound of someone approaching the bench. And unfortunately the approach sounded more like a pair of heavy work boots than stilletos. He slowly turned over his shoulder, his heart at a standstill. The person that loomed in his vision was positively mortifying. He pressed a hand to his brow. If this man was his date, he might as well put a bullet through his skull.
"Are you…Tony Stark?"
Tony Stark reeled for the words to address the man, but all that came out was a sort of strangled noise that the man must have mistaken for a sneeze by his sudden response of 'Bless you!'
"Hello Anthony," the man cooed in what Tony figured must have been an attempt at seduction as he blushed and handed him an oversized teddy bear... "I hope you don't mind me calling you Anthony, Tony just sounds so boring." He grinned, and Tony thought briefly that he looked like a crocodile "My name is Loki Laufeyson…" he flipped his hair and struck a pose "And I am burdened with glorious and overwhelming purpose."
Stark cleared his throat and glanced at his watch "No," he barely choked out, "I don't mind…at all.." Tony thought briefly that the last person to call him Anthony had been his grandmother, and his eye twitched. He shifted his eyes back to the mortifying man and managed a slight smile, while inside he was planning violently blasting Rogers back into World War II and giving Thor a lesson he wouldn't soon forget.
"I've been wanting to meet you one and one for quite some time now…" The positively terrifying man sat down on the bench unnecessarily close to Tony. "Your honesty and humbleness has caused me to become the man of service I am today."
It took all of his energy to not ask the sinister stranger what in the universe was relatively inspiring or humble about his snarky and self-absorbed demeanor. What did that say about this creep as a person? Maybe he really should get out more often. Stark tugged at his collar again. Going home to Pepper and groveling-no matter how embarrassing- was sounding better and better the more he thought about it. "An honor," Tony managed to choke out at last, hoping that he wasn't promoting the man's advances anymore.
"Where are we going tonight Anthony?"
"Uh…I thought we were just going to stay here?" He started, but paused "I mean, were we supposed to go somewhere or something?" 'Play it dumb and maybe you can get out of this all that much sooner,' he thought to himself.
"This is the first date of our long and happy life together-" Loki stopped suddenly and narrowed his eyes menacingly "My brother did tell you that we were on a date, right?"
Brother? Thor? Damn.
"Must have slipped his mind," Stark managed while scooting to further side of the bench.
"Gods Dammit! I should've seen right through Thor's plan! There might have been something for us, Anthony! We have the right to be happy together if we want to and not let him get in the way…" The terrifying man started to tear up "Please Anthony Stark, give me a chance... let me be the one to dry your tears. Let me be with you always, let me polish your Iron Man suit. Let me be your only one. Please let me be your little man," He pleaded with Tony, on his knees, clasping his hands together as if praying.
"I'm sorry. I truly am." Stark rose to his feet and started to back away "Please, just forget all about me. Move on, I know you will find someone who will love you the way you need to be loved," Loki said semi-sincerely and semi-bitterly. He hadn't exactly lied to Loki, he really did hope that he would find someone who would treat him right…as long as that person wasn't him.
A/N: Thank you all for the favorites and reviews, but I guess there's a bit of a misunderstanding. This is a ONESHOT, this is not a continuing comedy. There was no date afterwards, Tony leaves Loki alone on the bench. However, If you still want to hear some more Loki/Avengers related comedy from me go check out my on-going story "Loki Drabbles"
All my love~
Ashley, Better known as your friend Fishing Four Finnick