Johan's first serious boyfriend broke up with him about a week after Judai visited him in Norway.
Judai had stayed for five days and the three had spent most of it together, Johan elated to see his old friend for the first time in just under three years. It was the most fun he could remember having in a long time, and saying goodbye when their time was up had been difficult. But he'd visit again, Judai had promised, and Johan knew he wouldn't lie.
Johan and his boyfriend had been seeing each other for almost two years, and though it wasn't official, they practically lived together – after the break up, it took two visits to clear all of his things out of Johan's cramped little apartment, and even then over the next couple of months, he kept finding bunched up socks under his bed, or shirts in his drawers that didn't belong to him.
The break up still puzzled him. He almost felt that he and his boyfriend were talking about entirely different situations, and even now, Johan wasn't entirely sure what caused it.
"You're not in love with me. I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore when I know that you just don't want… you don't feel the same…" His boyfriend had stood there on his cold kitchen floor, scrabbling for words, while Johan had let the pumpkin soup he'd been cooking on the stove start to burn. His mind had suddenly been elsewhere.
"What are you even talking about? Why would we be together if I didn't love you? Do you really think I'm that selfish?" Johan had stared in bewilderment.
"Maybe you think you do. But you don't. Trust me, you've made it very clear."
And Johan had just gaped, because what was there to say to that? He hadn't been able to process it, let alone respond.
"I don't… but how…"
His boyfriend had let out a deep sigh, leaning over to turn the stove off for him, soup long ruined. At least neither of them had been hungry anymore.
"Here's your key back. I… good luck. Goodbye." His (ex) boyfriend's voice had wavered on the last word, and Johan had only been able to watch him go, the last 21 comfortable months of his life crumbling down around him.
Yet now, a month after the air had cleared, when everything was said and done and all had settled, Johan couldn't help but feel some sense of relief. He didn't even know why.
He dated a couple of people between then and when he got into his next serious relationship; two boys and one girl who lasted about a week before Johan realized that, yes, he was definitely quite gay.
And then he met a nice, funny guy with a killer smile and a sense of humor that made him laugh until his stomach ached. They lasted almost a year and a half before Johan got a scratchy call from Judai telling him in a cheerful voice over the dodgy telephone connection that he was in Europe and he was going to pay a visit.
Johan smiled blissfully to himself for 20 minutes after the call, and then his fingers automatically dialed his boyfriend's number, and he heard his own voice telling him there was something important they needed to talk about.
The next day, Johan returned the ring his boyfriend had bought him on their first anniversary (he'd promised to exchange it for a different kind of ring one day, which was part of the reason Johan couldn't keep it) and they were no longer together less than 24 hours later.
When his boyfriend asked why, Johan could only shrug helplessly and tell him in the tiniest possible voice, hoping maybe that would make it hurt less, "I don't know. I just don't think I'm in love with you."
Part of him wished that when his boyfriend turned away, obviously trying to hide tears, that he'd feel a tug in his heart too, some loss, some sadness, but all that came was guilt and the relief of a clean ending.
Judai arrived 6 days later and settled into Johan's life, just as he did every time, as if he'd never left it. The topic of Johan's recent break up came and went in passing conversation, like dust in the breeze, and they mostly just enjoyed each other's company.
The second evening after Judai's arrival was beautiful; cloudless sky, clear stars, waxing moon and no breeze. It an the ideal night for Johan to forget to get milk at the grocery store, because when he and Judai were forced to make a second trip to buy some, it wasn't so unpleasant.
They chatted aimlessly on the way home, grocery bag rustling with each stop and elbows bumping. Johan was incredibly at peace, with Hane Kuriboh floating along and Ruby taking swipes at him from her perch on Johan's shoulder. He could feel Yubel's ubiquitous aura, wise and watchful, even if she didn't show herself, and everything was perfect.
"Hey, Judai. How would you know if you met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
Judai looked at him with puzzled amusement and a raised eyebrow. "Hah? Why are you asking that all of a sudden?" He put a finger to his face as he thought about it, then smiled a shrugged. "Hmm… I dunno. I guess you'd just feel it. Right?"
Johan smiled. Their hands brushed.