Detour in Detroit
Baek Do San Residence
Hwo: Yo! S'up, Mista B!
B(sighing): Hwoarang, you just won't give up believing you're a gangster, will you?
H: Hell no, man! I can even rap like a gangsta; look!
(goes into rapper's stance)
Masta B don't think I can rap,
Well he can jus' go and take a fuckin' nap
H: See? Now I'm haulin' ass! ( Pulls 2 ton trunks behind him as he leaves)
B: Where do you think you're going?
H: Detroit, yo! I'm joinin' ma people!
B: Think about it, Hwoarang; you won't last a second out there!
H: Ma mind's all set. Catch ya lata Mista B!(leaves)
B(sighs): I should stop training with people. I killed my old man, and now my kicks messed up Hwoarang's mind! What to do?
( A light bulb suddenly pops above his head): Aha! ( rushes to make a long distance call).
B: Hey, Eddie, how are you?
E: Hello, Baek. You haven't called in ages. I was starting to get worried.
B: Well, I was busy with the red-head.
E: Oh, yes, how is he? Still thinks he's a " homie"?
B: Yes, I'm afraid so. How's Christie? Who's she pretending to be now?
E: Fergie. She's very upset at not winning the " My Fergie" contest. In fact, we've had her in a straitjacket ever since she got back from MTV.
(Baek hears a distant wailing from the other end of the line)
B:...
E: So what's up?
B: Hwoarang's going over to Detroit, hoping to join his "brothers". I need you to bring him back to his senses. Show him what the real ghetto is like.
E: Oh, no, man. I can't give your boy a tour. I'm a rich businessman, a well-respected society figure.
B: You owe me, Eddie
(flashback)
Christie is having one of her "phases". She's pretending to be Halle Berry, and is play-acting said actress's role in the movie " Catwoman".
Christie(jumps off a 10 story building): Wheeeeeee!
She lands on an innocent passerby, who happens to be Baek.
( End flashback)
E: Oh, right.
( he makes some calls and finds out where Hwo is staying in Detroit)
At Hwoarang's 10x10 apartment,
( Door knocks, Hwo opens it to find a gun pointing at him)
Hwo: Who the hell are you?
( Eddie and Bruce Irvin enter. Eddie has on a pimpsuit, gold chains and diamond rings. Bruce wears a baggy T, low-hanging pants and a cap flipped backwards that says: FCUK)
Bruce: The hell are you lookin' at?
H( staring at Bruce's white boxers with red hearts; his pants are hanging THAT low): Nothing...
E(sneers at H): Nice clothes you got there!
H: Thanks man, got 'em from a 50 cent Store(A/N: pun intended; he got 'em from a $1/2 store, but he thinks it's a store named after said gangster)
E(gets angry): SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU UGLY REDHEADED BASTARD MOTHERFUCKIN SON OF A BITCH!( pauses to regain breath; if he wasn't black, he'd be purple)
H(trembling):...
E: Do you know what I hate most?
H: Um, Michael Jackson?
E: WANNABES!( knocks Hwo out with the butt of his gun)
Bruce: That was some performance.
E: Thanks, get the car, quick.
(flashback)
Eddie is in his mansion's library, holding a pocketbook with the title: " Gangster Phrase Book".
E: All right, let's see... " dude" means pal, " nigga/homie" are, um,almost the same thing; hmm.."moffo"...
hey, Bruce what does "moffo" mean again?
B:...
( End Flashback)
At Eddie's makeshift gangster place,
( Hwo wakes up and hears some noises. He goes to look and enters a room to find Christie in a slutty Fergie outfit, singing Fergilicious and shaking her booty.)
Christie:
Fergilicious, definition, makes the boys go loko
they want my treasures so they get their pleasures from my photo
you can see me you can squeeze me
I ain't easy I ain't sleazy
I got reasons why I tease 'em
Boys jus' come and go like seasons
H( hearts in his eyes): wolf-whistles
C:...
( Eddie comes in with Dr B and his experiment Roger. Roger knocks Hwo out with a well-aimed punch)
E: Time for her evening shot, Doctor.
Dr B: Oh, yes( gives Christie something to knock her out. He and Eddie then strap her to her bed. Eddie and Bruce hall off Hwo to his room)
E(sobs): Oh, God, I worshipped you all my life! What have I done to deserve this mess?!
Bruce( hands E a tissue):...
End of first Chapter