"Evening." Remus sighed, dragging himself through the door of his and Sirius' flat. Sirius looked up, and frowned in concern. The fading light behind Remus could just illuminate his haggard appearance, still wearing the robes he had left in a week ago, though they were far more tattered now. His hair was rumpled, and he was covered in scratches and bruises. Also, this was only the damage Sirius could see immediately.
"Hey, easy there Moony." Sirius stood up, crossing over to Remus in just a couple of steps and fluidly draping Remus' arm over his shoulder before leading him to a seat at the small kitchen table.
"I'm alright!" Remus protested halfheartedly. Sirius shot him a look, and Remus sighed in defeat. Sirius quickly put a kettle on, pulling some of the Earl Gray that he found disgusting, but that Remus loved, out of the cupboard. He grabbed two mugs as well, not particularly thirsty, but knowing that he would want something to do with his hands when he heard Remus's tale, other than digging into his skin, the way he did last time. Sitting down, he saw that Remus had yet to move from the position that Sirius had set him in. Which wasn't usually worrisome, as Remus didn't seem to share the Marauder trait of needing to move around at everything, but he did usually fidget when he got back. This time was different, and Sirius was certain that it couldn't be good different. Not where Remus was.
"What happened?" Sirius asked, forcing his voice to sound calm and collected. Remus' shoulders slumped, adding to the defeated look he was sporting. His arms were on the table, and his head was sagging with sleepiness.
"Nothing out of the ordinary Pads." He said wearily. "I haven't learned any decent information, but staying back with the injured on the full moon is a good plan. Most of them seem to trust me, more than I expected. It's just sad, you know? They've never had a chance to be anything but evil; they've been shunned for so long. They don't know what it's like to have someone care for them." Remus looked genuinely heartbroken at the thought. Sirius stretched his hand out and placed in on Remus' forearm.
"And I suppose it's good that they trust me, but I feel guilty for betraying their trust. I mean, I know they're on the wrong side, but even still, I think I'm the first person they've felt cared, and I can't help but feel guilty. I sound ridiculous, don't I?" He asked, looking into Sirius' eyes for the first time. His eyes were wide and needed affirmation that, no, of course he wasn't ridiculous. He had large bags and purple circles round his eyes from a distinct lack of sleep.
"It's not ridiculous Moony," He assured him. "You were lucky, to go to Hogwarts, make friends. You connect with them. Don't feel guilty, think of it as a chance. To start getting them on our side, where they'll be accepted." Sirius tried.
"Will they?" Remus asked the table, his gaze pointed downwards again. It was a terrible question, and Sirius didn't know the answer.
"It's worth a shot." He tried, knowing he wasn't half as good at saying the right thing as Remus.
"That's not the only thing that's bothering me." Remus continued. "Greyback, he's been acting... strange, you know? Not exactly suspicious, but strange. And I can't get closer to him. He's just odd. I don't like it." Remus said, looking far too troubled. Sirius didn't like it either, but he didn't like the idea of Remus going undercover with werewolves in the first place, so his opinion didn't mean much.
"And-" Remus cut himself off, blushing, and giving his head a light shake. Sirius frowned.
"What?" He asked.
"I hate changing without you guys." He said quietly, barely audible. And dammit, it's not fair for Remus to make Sirius heart break by saying things like that. Then again, Remus didn't want to say anything to upset him, so it must be eating at him. Pushing his selfish thoughts aside, Sirius stood up and crossed the distance between Remus and himself, pulling the form into a standing position and wrapping him in a tight hug. Remus muttered something barely audible that sounded a bit like 'wet dog smell', but didn't pull away, and after a slight hesitation, hugged Sirius back.
"This war isn't forever, you know that Moony." Sirius murmured into Remus' ear. Remus' muscles slowly started to unclench, and Sirius felt the man leaning on him a little more each second they held on.
"It might be." He whispered. Sirius hugged him tighter, and Remus abruptly let go and stepped back.
"Sorry, I'm being pessimistic." He said, ducking his head self consciously. His hair fell in a curtain in front of him, blocking his face in a ratty mess. Sirius grinned in spite of himself.
"You need a haircut, mate. You're starting to look like me." He teased. Remus tossed his head back with a groan.
"Don't start! I hate keeping it this way, but it's more convincing if I'm- unkempt." Remus tried to sound venomous, but ended up holding back a smile. Sirius' grin widened, and he gave Remus a light shove.
"Long, tangled, hair is utterly unbecoming for you, Messr. Moony." Sirius said. He ducked away from the playful smack that Remus aimed at him. "If you're going to look like a canine, you can sleep on the floor like one." He informed Remus smugly.
"So why do you have the nicest and most expensive bed that money can buy, and haven't shared since the day we moved in and ever since?" Remus asked.
"Hey! Watch it!" Sirius demanded, pointing a finger at Remus, who playfully nipped it.
"The hell was that?" Sirius cried. Remus grinned.
"Sorry, that was my inner canine!" He teased. Sirius jumped at him and pinned him to the kitchen wall. Remus stared at him, his eyes wide, and his lips slightly parted. Before he could think the situation through and stop himself, Sirius leaned forward and kissed him. Remus, rather than flattening himself to the wall the way Sirius expected, fell forward and returned the kiss with passion, twining his fingers in his friend's hair. Sirius moaned, staggered backwards a little, Remus still pressing forward, until the both fell in a heap on the floor.
"Sorry!" Remus gasped, blushing madly as he struggled to disentangle himself from Sirius and stand up, only managing to fall backward.
"I'm not." Sirius informed him huskily, pressing their lips together once more. Neither one noticed the kettle whistling for a few minutes.
"How was it?" Sirius asked, the moment the door opened. Remus glanced out at him from behind the waterfall of hair that covered his eyes almost completely.
"Fantastic, really, just brilliant, I love hanging around monsters that go out and kill children every month, it's bloody amazing, what do you think?" He shot. He walked over to the counter with a slight limp.
"What happened to your leg?" Sirius asked quietly, putting a kettle on. Remus ran his hand through his hair, turning around so he could lean his back on the counter.
"Even wolves that can't run around still have a temper." He sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped."
Sirius put his arms around Remus' waist and stared into his eyes. "It's alright. You have every reason to be on edge." He said.
"I hate it." Remus sighed, his voice sounding brittle. "I know it's the best thing I can do to help the order, but god I hate it!" He said, closing his eyes. Sirius rubbed small circles on his back and moved closer so that Remus could rest his head on his shoulder.
"You don't have to. We could tell Dumbledore about us. You know he gives couples easier missions. You can go on assignments with me and James and Peter, just like old times." Sirius said soothingly.
"No, no, I like being helpful." Remus said, and chuckled lightly. "I suppose it wouldn't be worth much if it were easy."
"S'pose not. But I wish it were." Sirius whispered. Remus gently pried himself free and sat down at the table.
"Greyback is still acting strange. It's starting to worry me, but I can't report it. I don't even know what 'it' is, Pads. He just looks at me sometimes like- like I don't know what. Like an enemy in war, but not so intense. Like I'm some dumb kid that's beating him at chess. It's cold, and calculated, as though he were planning my demise, but still so commonplace, like it happens everyday. It's not suspicious, it- it's barely competitive, but it's unsettling. Am I making any sense?" He asked, looking at Sirius with wild eyes.
"No." Sirius answered bluntly. "But I think I get it anyway." Remus shot him a pained smile.
"I love you." He said drearily, then seemed to instantly snap to attention after he'd said it, looking at Sirius for his reaction, worry etched on every line in his face. Sirius smiled gently, sitting down across from him and taking his hand.
"I love you too." He assured Remus. As soon as he heard the confirmation, Remus launched himself across the table, holding Sirius face in his hands and kissing him like his life depended on it. Sirius pulled him the rest of the way over the table and into his lap, so as not to strain Remus' injured leg, he told himself.
"Do you want to sleep in my bedroom tonight?" Remus asked breathlessly, the moment they paused. His hair was mussed, his eyes big and shiny, and his lips were wet and still slightly parted, seemingly unable to close all the way. Sirius licked his lips menacingly.
"Eager?" He asked, his eyebrow raised.
"We've got seven years of sexual frustration to make up for." Remus informed him, still breathing heavily.
"See, this is why you're the best boyfriend I have ever had." Sirius said with a smile. Remus gasped at him in mock outrage.
"And just how many boyfriends have you had, sir?" He asked haughtily, trying to contain his smile.
"Well, there was the one with gorgeous eyes," Sirius began, " The really kinky one, the one with the insatiable sexual appetite, the one with the usually neat but now messy hair, the one obsessed with books, the one that always drank tea, the one that always ate chocolate, and the Marauder." He listed. Remus leaned in to him seriously.
"And who was your favorite, again?" He asked, batting his eyelashes. Sirius gulped, then shook his hair out.
"The one I waited way too long to make a move on." He said, kissing Remus again, and pushing his hands up Remus' shirt, making his boyfriend moan.
"Turn the kettle off, I want to shag you into next week before I drink tea!" He groaned. Sirius was almost taken aback by Remus' sudden, intense statement, but was sure as hell not going to argue. He even remembered to turn off the kettle as he was pulled into Remus' bedroom.
Sirius opened the squeaky door as quietly as he could. It was nearly four in the morning, and he didn't want to wake Remus up if he was in. Or think about what it could mean if he wasn't.
He crept into Remus' room, where they had taken to both sleeping in, full time, and was horrified to see it utterly empty, the bed made, all of it looking as untouched as the day Remus had left. Sirius' heart rate increased dramatically, so much he could hear blood pumping in his ears. He staggered backwards and opened the door to his room, and breathed an immense sigh of relief to see Remus' familiar, fetal position under the covers. Sirius felt drained as the panic that had just overwhelmed him abated, and he was about to crawl into bed on the other side, when he heard noises coming from his boyfriend. Quiet whimpers, that, when he leaned in closely, sounded a lot like; "Sirius". Sirius held his hand over Remus' shoulder, debating whether or not to wake him, when Remus let out a pained cry in his sleep. Sirius drew in breath sharply. He had always been something of a heavy sleeper, and thus had never encountered someone in such an intense nightmare before. Still, this was Remus, his Remus, his Remus in pain, so he figured that waking him up would be the right action.
"Hey," Sirius whispered, attempting to gently shake Remus, but fearing that the motion was actually quite violent. Remus gasped, and sat bolt upright. He was dripping sweat, so much that his hair stuck to his forehead in dark strands. He whipped his head around to Sirius, and threw his arms around his boyfriend's neck.
"Siri-!" He gasped, holding on in a near choke hold. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus' back, and whispered "it's okay, it's alright" over and over again in his ear.
"You were gone- two days after I got back- and I couldn't- no one would tell-" Remus stuttered, still breathing heavily.
"I'm fine. I should have left a note or something; but I thought it would go much, much faster." Sirius said wearily.
"Are you alright?" Remus asked, pulling back and looking Sirius over.
"I'm fine. And you?" Sirius asked. Remus closed his eyes, and fell into their hug once more.
"Better." He whispered, still shaking.
Sirius paced back and forth in the kitchen, trying to not be too worried. No need to give himself a heart attack over this, except for the fact that it was three days after Remus was meant to return and Remus is never fucking late. Okay, so there was plenty of reason to give himself a heart attack over this. Either Lily or James had been at his flat at all times for two days, since Peter was on a sort of secret mission of his own. Sirius couldn't tell whose company he loathed more. Lily was Remus' best friend, and she was trying to act as though she were unconcerned about his whereabouts, sure that he was fine, but it was a very poor disguise for her panic. James, on the other hand, had no idea how to be comforting towards someone in Sirius' position. James and Lily were the only people to know of Sirius and Remus' circumstances, so that made things a bit simpler.
Sirius kept his sigh silent. Lily really had grown on him, but her twitching around wasn't helping anything. Not a moment later, though, the door opened, to a reveal a typically haggard Remus.
"Remmy!" Lily gasped, throwing her arms around Remus neck. Sirius observed carefully, noting that Remus didn't wince on contact, a very good sign.
"'lo Lily." He murmured, sounding utterly exhausted. His gaze flickered over to Sirius, and a small smile graced his lips. Lily pushed back and looked at the gaze the two men were having.
"Right." She said with a nod. "I'll just- ah, floo back, and- er, let James know you're all right, shall I?" She said, before scuttling out of the room.
"You're late." Sirius said.
"I am." Remus agreed.
"Was this revenge for my not being here when you got back?" Sirius asked, too relieved to be angry.
"No," Remus sighed, shaking his head. He had finally gotten a haircut, and it didn't cover his eyes, even when he ducked his head far down. "I was at Greyback's flat, actually." Sirius stomache twisted with irrational jealousy.
"I thought he was acting, er, weird?" Sirius said. Remus frowned, looking into Sirius' eyes.
"He was, and that's what's so weird. When I showed up this time, he started acting very kind, and- polite, and it was weird, Padfoot, really strange. Then he invited me over to his flat, and I couldn't figure a way to say no. He was gone most of the time anyway." Remus explained, sounding utterly lost. The kettle began to whistle, and Sirius pored some of the hot water into a teacup with Remus' Earl Gray, nearly out now. He handed the cup to Remus, who drank most of it in one gulp, which really should have burnt his mouth, but seemed to not affect him.
"Well, if he's being nice, that's good, isn't it?" Sirius asked. Remus gave him a harsh look, filled with disdain.
"No, it's not, because he isn't nice. He is the werewolf that parents warn their children of, the monster that hides in your dreams. He seeks out victims, and is merciless. He only works for Voldemort because he thinks that someday, werewolves can overthrow wizards. He is not to be trusted, touched with a ten foot pole, and he is certainly not nice." Remus hissed the last few words.
"I was just asking." Sirius said. Remus sighed, running his hand through his hair.
"I know. It's just- unsettling, that's what it is, but whatever unsettling times one million feels like." He sighed. "The thing that worries me is that it's working. I want so badly to believe that they can be good, any and all of them, that I can't help but feel like he's had a change of heart. I know it's a dangerous thought, but what if..." He trailed off. Sirius squeezed Remus' hand gently.
"Don't think about it tonight, Moony. Just forget about it for the night. Maybe tomorrow, if you want, we can see Dumbledore, and you can switch positions. I mean it, somewhere that we don't have to be so constantly afraid-"
"You're too protective of me." Remus remarked. Granted, Sirius was too protective of Remus. But it wasn't his fault. Remus was frail, and scarred, and he had the most dangerous position of any of them. Sirius had the damn right to be too protective of Remus. Not that he intended on saying any of that out loud.
"I don't want you to get hurt." Sirius said, trying feebly to justify himself. Remus snorted.
"You think I do? Padfoot, this war, it's important. It's more important than any of us, least of all me. But I can give a real contribution to our side. I can't back out of this." He sighed. Sirius pulled Remus into his chest, holding him close.
"Just try and stay safe, yeah? For me."
The next time, Remus staggered in, far to early, just after dark on the first night after the full moon. He slammed the door open, and then, at the sight of the light, ducked his head down and growled, low and menacing.
"You were supposed to be out." He said, his tone harsh. Sirius looked at Remus, all hunched over in the doorway, shaking like a leaf, and gripping the door frame as though it were the only thing holding him up. Sirius stood directly in front of him.
"You're back far too early." He accused in return.
"I need to go to the loo, so excuse me please." Remus said, pulling himself into a standing position, head still bowed down. Sirius, however, did not move, and as such, neither did Remus.
"I said, 'excuse me'." Remus said, his voice quavering.
"Remus, what's happened?" Sirius asked.
"Please let me through." Remus demanded.
"What's wrong?!" Sirius cried. Remus pushed Sirius away and sprinted to the kitchen sink, retching in it and clinging to the counter, still shaking too hard to stand.
"Moony?" Sirius asked, cautiously stepping towards him as Remus continued to vomit. When he stopped, Sirius gently placed a hand on Remus' shoulder, only to have Remus whip around and look up at him for the first time, hissing out, "Don't touch me." Sirius' eyes widened at the sight of his Remus. He was mottled with bruises everywhere, and there was blood trickling all down his face from a cut at his hairline. His eyes were big and frightened. They stood like that for a moment, staring at each other, before Remus broke down.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so stupid, such an idiot, please don't be angry with me!" He sobbed, sinking down to his knees on the dirty, kitchen tiles. Sirius instantly got down with him, trying to get both their faces at the same level. He put a hand under Remus' chin, lifting his face up.
"What? What's wrong?" Sirius asked. Remus sniffed.
"I'm so fucking stupid, I should have known by the way Greyback was acting that he was- because that's all they are Sirius, I was wrong, they don't have a good side, they're just fucking animals, no morals, no ideals, and I'm one of them, that's the worst!" He cried.
"Easy." Sirius said, trying not to panic. He wasn't good with displays of emotion, not at all. Remus' breathing steadied a bit, and his voice was shaking less.
"I'm so sorry, I should have known. He's a fucking alpha, and I was getting too fucking popular, and they're just animals, Sirius, you know? All they are is animals. So he-" His breath hitched- "He fucked me into the ground to assert his dominance, because we're not human, just animals." Remus was crying. "I'm sorry, Sirius, I couldn't do anything, and then I had to stay, and they all hate me now, and I know I should have stayed but I couldn't Sirius I couldn't stay-" He cut himself off again, falling forward and nestling his face in between Sirius neck and shoulder. Sirius, meanwhile, had become statue like. He had no trouble realizing what had happened through the hysterical sentences, but he wasn't entirely sure how to respond to it. Usually, he left all emotional dealings to Remus, or if it involved him, to Lily, and obviously neither of those options would work in this situation. Sirius' immediate reaction would be to track down this Greyback person and tip his head off, but there was Remus.
"Don't apologize," He said suddenly, realizing he probably should have said that earlier. "It isn't- it's not- Merlin, don't apologize, Moony." He breathed.
"I didn't-" Remus started.
"I know." Sirius said, keeping his breathing in check and very, very gently, pulled his arms around Remus.
"I should have known though." Remus protested, still shaking.
"No, you shouldn't, people shouldn't be so cruel. And yes, I mean people. They might be convinced that they're animals, and that's their fault, but you, Remus, you have more humanity than anyone I know. So don't blame it on the species." Sirius was going to kill Greyback, really, he was.
"How could you know? You didn't see them- just laughing, thinking it was sport." Sirius clenched his fists.
"I know you, okay Remus? That's enough for me." He pulled Remus to his feet, not letting go of him for a second.
"I don't want to so back." He whispered.
"Don't!" Sirius said fiercely.
"Forget it. Just, like you said, Padfoot, for tonight, forget it. Just, just put on the kettle, and let's go to bed and just not, not tonight." Remus pleaded, staring at Sirius with his big, frightened eyes, the sight of which filled Sirius with rage.
"Okay." He said, forcing himself into check. He put the kettle on, and began cleaning up Remus' wounds, kissing them gently as he worked through all the wounds. It didn't matter how protective he felt of Remus. It wasn't as though anyone could protect him at all.
"I love you." Remus whispered late that night, when he thought Sirius was asleep.
"I love you too." Sirius murmured back. And even if he couldn't protect him, he could sure as hell try.