Why did you leave me alone?
„Why did you leave me alone? So alone in the dark?"
Sirius did not answer.
„Why did you leave me alone?" Remus repeated slowly, barely audible.
„I did not mean to, Moony. I did not intend to leave you all by yourself and... and I'm sorry."
Remus got up and looked into the dark night sky.
„We all got betrayed, Sirius. Peter betrayed us and that struck us hard. But you... you betrayed me and I don't understand why..."
Tears were filling his eyes, reflecting the starlight.
„I told you," Sirius started suddenly angry and got up as well, „I told you that I did not mean to!"
The dark haired man waited impatiently for an answer, but none came. He turned to walk away, when Remus finally replied:
„Don't walk out on me again, Padfoot," he sounded exhausted, „I wouldn't bear it. Can't you just face it once in your life?"
„Face what? I face it all the time!" Sirius yelled, „I just can't stand it anymore! You don't even know what you're talking about! I am the one who has the same dream every night: Me going to James and proposing Peter to be the Secret Keeper. It was my fault!
You know how I feel? You want put this all on me? Hell, I know that it is my fault! I sat in Azkaban for thirteen years, I chased Peter and watched all those Muggles die, I knew that there was something wrong! Only I could have done something against it and I didn't!
Don't you think I'm facing it all the time? Don't you think I 'm already suffering enough from that?
Don't you come to me trying to make me feel even more guilty! I can't bear it, if you blame me! It makes me sick!"
Remus slowly looked at his friend with sparkling tears in his eyes. Bitter words fell from his lips.
„You're doing it again. You're running, you're hiding as you've done it your whole life! You don't want to understand me. I would never tell you, that James' death was your fault. And you damn well know that! I know you suffer from that! I know that you're having nightmares, I know, Sirius, I know that all and I don't blame you for that! But you know what makes me sick? You're not facing me."
Sirius spun around immediately. „Not... what? I am facing you all the time. I am looking into your eyes all the times, eyes reproaching me. I can't stand those eyes any longer! I thought you were my friend! Can't you support me, can't you just help me and...?"
„I would," Remus quietly interrupted, „but you keep running from me, Padfoot. You're leaving me here, alone in the dark, as you've left me fifteen years ago."
Sirius backed away. Slowly and quietly he said: „I did not leave you... I never wanted to leave you! I had to chase Peter, I had to do it for James..."
Now Remus got angry, the wolf in him was rising: „You chased Peter for a dead man instead of coming to me? To me, your last living friend? You left me alone for that rat? You kept away from me for thirteen years- thirteen years, Sirius!", he yelled, „And you say you didn't want to leave me? Nice friend you are. I know that you and James did not trust me while Voldemord was powerful, I know that- and I've always known that. I was able to live with that, I could even understand you! Who would ever trust a werewolf? But after you knew that you were wrong, after our world had fallen, after the ceiling had come crashing down on us, you decided to go hunting our past mistakes instead of saving the future! What was left of it, anyways... but that just... that..."
Remus was at a loss for words. Sirius however wasn't saying anything either, so he quietly continued:
„You left me alone. Instead of coming to me, you ran from me. Instead of explaining it to me, you left me in awful pain. Instead of saving the pieces of our small friendship, you decided to give it up. After all our struggles, you gave up and left me alone. Alone in the dark and I thought I had lost everything."
„What do you want from me?" Sirius croaked hoarsely.
„I want to understand why, Sirius," Remus' voice was begging, „Just tell me why... I beg you. Let me understand why I had to go through all that pain and lonelyness. Tell me why Peter was more important than me."
Sirius' eyes where filled with tears now as well. Disbelieving he stared at his old friend and searched for words. Between them was a distance he felt he could shorten only now- or never.
„I... I didn't know..." he stammered. Now it was his time to beg for understanding.
„I am... I am so sorry," he whispered with eyes wide open.
But Remus' face darkened and angry tears were streaming down his face.
„I don't want to hear that you're sorry, Padfoot!" his voice grew tight, shaking more with every word, „I want to hear that you have a good reason that you left me... all by myself..."
Sirius shook his head and took a step backwards. He looked up to the stars, trying not to cry:
„I'm so sorry, Moony, but... but I can't"
And with that he turned around and left Remus standing there. In the darkness. All alone.
One week later Remus' heart was pounding loudly. His nerves screamed, his body ached and disbelieving he stared at the scene in front of him. A green light struck Sirius, struck him right in his chest. And with a frozen smile on his face, his best friend, his only friend, his last friend was falling... falling through the archway, falling behind the veil, leaving him, Remus.
Never to return again.
„Sirius!" Someone screamed.
Why do you leave me alone?