Story: Soul Calibur: Nightmare Fuel Remastered
Author: Notcturne
Written: February 19th, 2015
Remastered: July 7th, 2016
Genre: Humor
Rating: T (Language)
Disclaimer: I do not own Namco or its culture-shocked villain.

Soul Calibur: Nightmare Fuel

Try as we might, not all persons who were born before the boom of modern technology cannot comprehend nor handle such advances in our society. We find our favorite harbinger of darkness encounter such a damning situation: pumping gas.

We find our subject, Nightmare, grunting loudly and swearing incoherently as he is pushing an over-sized Hummer vehicle from behind down a long road.

"Stupid…modern…contraptions…why can't…people travel…by traditional…means…like horseback…or…wagon?! I'll…never…understand…this retarded…twenty-first…century…technology...!"

As it would appear, Nightmare's vehicle was out of fuel. Goes to show that this evil bastard loves to overcompensate, whether via weapons or choice in automobiles.

But, I digress.

Stopping to take a short break, Nightmare breaths heavily, wondering how the hell he was going to get his vehicle working once more. Turning his attention down the road roughly a block away, he sees a peculiar building with strange devices scattered in front of it (a gas station). Figuring it would be an acceptable place to inquire more about the inner workings of his vehicle; he stands and resumes pushing the Hummer toward the lot.

Once his Hummer was in place, Nightmare walks inside the mini-mart to speak with the clerk on duty. As soon as he did, however, every customer inside froze in their place at the sight of the armored abomination.

Nightmare simply stares back at them with his burning and unwavering eyes.

Both sides stare down one another for a solid minute until the customers reacted more realistically.

"AAAHHHH, MONSTER!" everyone shouts, creating hysteria of panic and fear as they all dart past Nightmare through either the entryway or through the glass windows.

Before he had a chance to catch any of them, Nightmare notices one person still within the mini-mart: the store clerk.

Marching toward the counter where the clerk hid, Nightmare reaches over and grabs the portly, coke-bottled clerk by his collar and lifts him to eye-level.

"Human, my vehicle needs fixing. Go and tell me what's wrong with it, NOW!" Nightmare threatens the poor helpless clerk.

"Y-y-y-y-yes sir…!" the clerk responds, sweating profusely as he is set down to the ground. He hastily makes his way outside toward the Hummer to examine it.

After some extensive observation and testing, the clerk turns to Nightmare.

"Uh…sir, what exactly happened to your vehicle for it to stop working?" the clerk asks.

"It just died on me in the middle of the highway! Some annoying beeping thing kept going off on the dashboard until my Hummer abruptly stopped," Nightmare recollects.

"Sounds like…you need to fill it with gas…" the clerk answers, scratching his head.

"How and where do I do that?! Nightmare demands.

"You…are at the very place to do so, sir. See these pumps? You put money in and fill your vehicle with gasoline so it will work again," the clerk explains.

"What?! I have to pay gold to keep my vehicle running?! This is bull shit!" Nightmare responds frustratingly.

"Well, I don't know if we can accept gold, but you could use always use credit if you so please…" the clerk offers.

Pulling out his wallet, Nightmare sifts through his various vouchers and pulls out an unfamiliar charge card.

"Do you accept Ottoman Express?" Nightmare asks.

"What…the hell is an Ottoman Express card? This thing looks older than dirt! How old are you, sir?" the clerk's questions, adjusting his glasses trying to decipher the ancient old-world document.

"Is that really relevant? Look, just put some gasoline in my vehicle before I rip your soul out from your worthless soul!" Nightmare responds angrily at the clerk.

"Okay okay look, I'm not allowed to pump people's gas, you would have to do it on your own. Just go ahead and fill it up, free of charge!" the clerk hastily responds, shaking at the knees.

Glowering down upon the clerk for a moment, Nightmare turns around and takes the nozzle, staring at his vehicle in the process.

"Where the hell do I insert this thing at?"

"Um… the fuel tank? It's on the side of your car," the clerk points out, directing Nightmare's attention to the small flap near the rear.

Inserting the fuel nozzle into the tank, Nightmare then had to select a grade of fuel.

"Unleaded? Plus? Supreme? Diesel? What is with all of these choices? Does it matter which one I choose?" Nightmare grumbles.

"It…kinda does sir…" the clerk responds, trying to help out.

"Fuck it, I'll choose Diesel," Nightmare says, cutting off the clerk as he begins filling up.

After completely fueling his Hummer, Nightmare haphazardly tosses away the nozzle and gets inside his vehicle. As soon as he turns the ignition…

KABLAM!

…the Hummer's engine explodes, engulfing the front-half of his vehicle in flames.

Leaping out in response, Nightmare turns to the clerk, who had an extremely terrified look on his face at what was happening.

"YOU! This is all your fault! Your soul is MINE!" Nightmare shouts as he draws his Soul Edge and prepares to strike.

"WAAAH! I'M SORRY!" the clerk shouts like a little schoolgirl as he flees the scene.

"GET BACK HERE!" Nightmare shouts, giving chase to the clerk, all the while the rest of the gas station exploding from behind due to a chain reaction from the flaming vehicle.

The moral of this story, kids? You are never too old to drive…unless you are an entity of pure evil born thousands of years into the past. Oh, and don't ever buy Hummers, ain't no one got time for that.

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