In Pursuit of the Girl
Lily/James oneshot
"This is boring" Sirius whined "When is something exiting going to happen?"
"When we pull…" James paused for dramatic effect "that rope"
"What happens when we pull that rope?" Sirius asked.
"Sirius, haven't you been listening to my thirty-minute briefing speech?" James looked annoyed.
"Actually, according to my watch, you only briefed us for five minutes." Remus supplied helpfully.
"Thank you, Moony." James turned back to Sirius. "Haven't you been listening to my five-minute briefing speech?"
"She's coming!" Remus shouted, cutting off Sirius' reply.
"What!" demanded James. "She wasn't supposed to come for another 60 seconds!"
"You used those 60 seconds up arguing with Sirius." Remus told him.
"Yippee!" Shouted Sirius, leaping over to the rope, which was attached to a complex system of levers, gears, and thingamabob whirligigs, which eventually attached to a spring, which had loaded on it a huge pile of water balloons, all filled with raw egg-yoke. The plan being that Lilly would walk into the traps path, Sirius would pull the rope, and right when there was almost no hope left, James would heroically throw himself in front of the eggs, thus saving Lily from a really bad hair day, and earning her gratitude, so much so that, possibly, Lily would (finally!) go out with James.
Unfortunately, right when he was about to pull the lever, Sirius was distracted by a group of very attractive girls who happened to be walking by.
"Sirius!" James hissed "The rope!"
"What?" asked a dazed, drooling Sirius
"The rope!"
"Oh, right" Sirius said, coming out of his rather perverted daydream.
Unfortunately for James, while Sirius had been looking elsewhere, Lily had walked right past the trap, and the person that was there now was…
"Peter!"
"Sirius, don't pull the rope!" Remus exclaimed
Sirius pulled the rope
"Lily, I'll save you!" Cried James, who had no idea what was going on as he had been completely focused on staring at the rope, that being his cue to rush out and save Lily.
As James rushed out to save Lily, Peter stopped and looked around for Sirius and Remus (he was sure he had heard their voices) staying firmly planted in the egg danger zone.
James threw himself in front of Peter, getting splattered from head to toe in egg…only to discover that the person who he had saved was not ,in fact, his beautiful Lily Evans, but Peter.
"Shoot!" Remus slapped his head in annoyance.
"47 times this week," Sirius pulled out a notebook and marked something out.
"Really? Did I really slap my head that many times?" Remus asked.
"This is tracking all of the Marauders." Sirius said.
Remus looked over at James just in time to see him slap his head in annoyance.
"48 times; And, by the way, 16 is the number of times we've tried, unsuccessfully, to get James together with Lily this week."
"16 times this week?" Remus asked disbelievingly. "I thought it was 21…"
"Well, I'm only counting the times we actually got far enough to set up the trap, er, plan."
"Hey, guys," Peter entered the Gryffindor common room. "James seems kind of depressed." as an afterthought Peter added "In a soggy, eggy sort of way."
Remus slapped his head.
"49"
Peter, thinking that head-slapping was the new 'in' thing to do, slapped his head, too.
"50"
"Guys?" James squelched over to them. The air around the three other Marauders suddenly smelled like raw eggs. "I'm feeling kind of depressed." as an afterthought James added "In a soggy, eggy sort of way."
"The solution to your problem is most obviously… air freshener!" Sirius said.
"Air freshener?" James asked.
"Or he could jus-"
"Shut up Remus." Sirius turned back to James "Yes, m'boy. Just because you feel soggy, does not mean you have to smell soggy."
Peter pulled a Christmas-tree shaped piece of cardboard that smelled faintly of mint out of his pocket. "Now for a limited price of only $9.99!" Peter said.
Remus, James, and Sirius stared at him.
"Muggles use these things to freshen up their cars." Peter explained.
A look of dawning enlightenment stole across Sirius' face.
Remus ran for cover.
"LET'S DECORATE HIIM!" Sirius yelled. Quite a few people turned from staring at the ridiculous booby-trap that the Marauders had set up, to look at him. About 50 of those people (the ones who knew Sirius) ran for cover, too.
Fifteen Minutes Later
"Are you sure Lily is going to like me if I do this?" James asked skeptically.
"I'm positive." Sirius said smoothly, hanging the last air freshener on James (who was, by now, covered in little cardboard Christmas-trees and smelling like mint.)
At first, it had taken 6 lengths of rope to hold James immobile long enough to hang up the first few Christmas-trees;
But, eventually, Sirius succeeded in convincing James of Lily's love of air freshener and, more importantly, Lily's love of boys-who-were-covered-in-air-freshener, so the ropes were taken off.
"Uh, James?" Remus tapped James's shoulder, which was now rapidly hardening due to the egg yolk that covered his body. "wouldn't it just be easier to take a shower?"
"Uh…" This thought had not occurred to James, and now that Remus had brought it up, it seemed like the obvious thing to do, and he did feel rather silly, standing there with-
"NO!" Screamed Sirius, horrified that somebody thought his idea unimportant enough to discard. "My idea is too important to discard! I thought of it! It's mine, all mine, MY PRECIOUS!" So saying, Sirius grabbed a box of Christmas tree air fresheners and ran off, determined to sell the rights of his trendy, girl-magnet idea to someone who would truly appreciate it.
"Well, now that Sirius is gone let's get you-" Remus turned around to find a puff of air where James had just been.
Meanwhile, James, sprinted through the corridors of Hogwarts, searching for his Lily Evans (who would fall for him shortly, just as soon as she saw how sexy he looked in egg yolks and little Christmas tree air fresheners).
James found his Lily Evans, among a group of giggling girls all of whom seemed to be discussing Orlando Bloom.
What is so great about Orlando Bloom anyhow? James thought. I mean, he's a muggle.
"-And, oh my god, he's a muggle!" A particularly short blond with enormous hazel eyes said, as if being a muggle was the sexiest thing one could be.
"Ahhh!" The group of girls screamed simultaneously, waving Orlando Bloom posters in the air.
I ask you... Rubbish. Wizards with black hair, hazel eyes, and a last name of Potter are way better.
"-I mean, James Potter is hot, but he's nothing compared to Orlando Bloom!"
All the girls simultaneously screamed (again) in agreement. One of the girls, suddenly turned around and –spotting James- said slyly "On second thought, scratch the comment about Potter."
James blushed and ran a hand through his egg/air-freshener covered hair.
All the girls were now nodding wisely in agreement. Well, all except for Lily.
"Rubbish!"
James looked up. Lily looked really hot, he hoped he wasn't drooling, and did she just say that scratching that last bit about Potter was rubbish?
"James Potter was never hot, and he never will be!"
Or not. You can't blame a guy for getting his hopes up.
"James, what are you doing?"
Uh… what was James doing? He had been going to show Lily that he was covered in air freshener, which, as Sirius had said, was something girls couldn't resist. But strangely, Lily didn't seem to be swooning in front of him, or kissing him, or at least commenting on how attractive he looked.
"James," Said Lily, waiting for an answer.
"Uh, I was, uh, abouttojointheOrlandoBloomfanclub!" James blurted out in an effort to get Lily to stop glaring at him. Actually, she did look rather cute when she was glaring at him, that part he didn't mind, it was the pain that usually followed shortly after, that he was afraid of.
"Wha…" Lily was now looking at James strangely. It was a what-on-earth-did-you-just-say kind of look.
"Oooh, great!" the blond hazel eyed girl shoved a large stack of Orlando Bloom posters into James' hands. "You can hand these out! You can also be the treasurer. None of us are very good with the alphabet."
"It's math." Lily said through clenched teeth.
"Oh? Well, whatever." The blond hazel eyed girl smiled perkily at James.
"Uh…okay," Said James, his face reddening with embarrassment, what would Sirius say when he found out? He'd never hear the end of it!
James turned and sprinted down the corridor, towards the Gryffindor common room.
"James?"
James skidded to a halt at the sound of Lily's voice "Yes?" he asked eagerly
"Do you know you're covered in air freshener, and you have egg all over you?"
"Uh…yah" James said dully. He would kill Sirius!
"Why don't you go take a shower?"
"Um…" James wanted to say something to gain a little bit of dignity, not that he had any in the first place "I will if you go out with me, Evans."
"Then I guess you'll be sleeping in egg yolk and air freshener tonight,"
"With you?"
"Of course not, you disgusting pervert!" Exclaimed Lily, and turned away, walking angrily in the other direction.
Sighing, James made his way back to the Gryffindor common room.
"What did she do when she saw you?" Asked Sirius thirty minutes later
"Nothing."
"Did she swoon?"
"No"
"Not even a little?"
"No."
"And you ended up joining the Orlando Bloom fan club?"
"Yes."
"Cool!" Exclaimed Sirius, handing James a rather large stack of posters "You can start by handing these out, and you can be treasurer! None of us are very good with the alphabet."
Two days later
"Remus, m'boy, I think it's time for a hair cut." Sirius said solemnly over breakfast.
"No." Remus didn't look up from his book.
"Yes, m'boy, a haircut is just what you need!"
"You sound like Slughorn. It's freakish."
"After lunch I'll get out my clippers and we'll find a new 'do' for you. Ha! That rhythms!"
"Hmm…" said Remus absently, turning a page in his book.
"Remus, m'boy, I think, that when you get your haircut, I'll get a haircut, too." Sirius said thoughtfully.
"I'm not getting a haircut-" Remus fell silent in shock, Sirius' words having finally been registered. Sirius had just said he wanted to get a haircut. Sirius has never before (in all the years that Remus has known him) gotten a haircut. Hence the ponytail. This was a momentous occasion.
"Well, if we're going to be a business men..."
"What! We're going to be business men!"
"Yes. As soon as I can find a buyer for my idea for air-freshener as a trendy thing to wear: The new style that will never grow old. It will be the best thing since the Orlando Bloom fan club."
"You're a member of the Orlando Bloom fan club?"
"Dude, do you know how many hot chicks are in that club?"
Remus slapped his head.
"100! We've finally reached the triple digits this week!" Sirius did a little victory dance.
"Sirius, don't dance. It's scary."
Sirius stopped in the middle of doing several hip thrusts.
"What was I talking about again?"
"Can't remember" said Remus hastily
"Oh yah, well, I was thinking about getting a hair cut, have I told you yet?"
Remus groaned.
After Breakfast
"I swear, this won't hurt a bit!" Sirius shouted as he chased Remus around the common room, razor and hair clippers in hand.
"Well," Remus panted as he leaped over a fallen chair "I wouldn't be so against you cutting my hair, if you hadn't given Peter a mohawk."
"It was trendy!" Sirius exclaimed as the occupants of the common room quickly made bets on who would hold out longest; they had, after all, been running in circles around the common room for almost half an hour. "Besides, mohawks are the new "stylish thing" now."
"What!" Asked Remus, stopping to catch his breath and giving Sirius time to take off a chunk of hair before he was off again "There is no way that-"
"Oh yes there is!" Sirius shouted triumphantly, "Just look around the room!"
Remus looked, seeing the many people who had been given haircuts against their will.
"It doesn't count as a new "stylish thing" if you gave everyone their haircuts while they ran around screaming "No, please, for the love of Merlin, NO!" Remus protested
"It does too!" Sirius shouted "I looked up stylish in this book I found under my bed, it said "conforming to an accepted standard", and these people seem to have accepted their fate."
"Well, I hardly think that-" Remus's eyes grew wide in shock "Wait a minute, you looked something up! In the dictionary!"
"You mean the book with all the words? Yah..."
This news was so shocking to Remus that he came to a halt. Sirius was on him before he knew what hit him.
"No, please, for the love of Merlin, NO!"
Sirius grinned maniacally.
Later That Day
"Lily, please, go out with me. I love you. I can not live with out you. My eyes drink you in like a fly slurps up grease-"
"Are you saying I'm greasy Potter!"
"No, I-"
"I just took a shower!" Lily practically shouted at him "My hair's still wet! See!"
Unsure of what to do, James continued, stumbling over words, improvising here and there when he forgot what Sirius had written down for him "Girls love this kind of romantic poetry stuff" he had said "I'll write some down for you, she'll be begging for you to take her out once you're done!" Think again, Sirius James thought grimly as Lily repeatedly whacked him over the head, shouting things like "What do you mean I'm like a stinkbug! Are you saying I smell?"
That Evening
"Lily,"
"What?"
"It's your turn."
"I don't want to play."
"Why not?"
"Because it's stupid!" Lily exclaimed "If I say "dare" You're going to make me do something stupid and embarrassing, but if I say "truth" You're going to ask me if I like James Potter, or something along those lines, which is stupid and embarrassing!"
"Truth or dare, Lily?" her best friend, Vanessa sang.
Lily weighed the options: "Truth? Or-" Lily hadn't meant to say it out loud, but before she could go on, she was cut off.
"Truth? Totally fab!" Caroline screamed. The one and only member of the James Potter fan club. "Okay, Lily. Here's your truth: DO YOU THINK JAMES POTTER IS HOT!"
Unfortunately the girls' dormitory had very thin walls.
Sirius was barely asleep when he heard someone say "Do you think James Potter is HOT!"
"Remus" Sirius mumbled, half asleep "I never knew you were gay…"
"No!" Lily yelled. "James Potter is absolutely disgusting! Hideous! Haggard! Deranged! Ugly! Revolting! Repugnant-"
'Wheeeeeeeeeeoooooooooeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooo!'
The loud, shocking sound of the siren cut off Lily's rampage.
"Darn! I hate wizards Truth or Dare." Lily grumbled.
"Oooh," all the girls said simultaneously.
"You told a lie." Vanessa pointed out helpfully.
"I know." Lily grumbled.
"So?" Caroline asked. "What do you think of James Potter?"
"I think…he's… hot." Lily cringed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" All the girls screamed, waving protest posters in the air that said things like "OMG!" and "I don't freaking' believe it!"
"That doesn't mean I have a crush on him!" Lily shouted her voice commanding silence.
There was a long pause. "Do you?" asked Caroline.
"I do not!"
'Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooo!'
The siren blared.
"Yes," Lily admitted. "I guess I do have a crush on him."
And there go the protest posters, Lily thought in a bored tone. Oh, wait. Did Caroline draw hearts on that one?
After the girls finished "Totally spazing out" in Caroline's words, they moved on to their next truth or dare victim.
There was another collective gasp, which startled Lily out of her zoned-out state, and more protest posters were waved in the air.
Who's it this time? Veronica? Lily thought.
"Lily, truth or dare?" Caroline asked.
"I don't want to play anymore."
"Youhavetopickinthreesecondsorwe'llpickforyou123okayit'sadare!" Caroline said at an abnormally fast speed.
Lily sighed. Trapped. Again. By a dumb blond. Again.
"Fine. But this is the last one, then I'm quitting."
Caroline thought as hard as her dumb blond brain could think for the perfect dare to give to Lily. Here's what went on in her brain:
Totally hot. James Potter. Sirius Black. Boys in general. Oh, oh, I know! Boys! Kissing. God, I love kissing boys… but Lily doesn't. James Potter… Yeah.
"I can't think of anything!" Caroline complained
"Oh, Caroline, I've got the perfect dare!" squealed Caroline's best friend Veronica.
"Lily, I dare you to kiss James Potter!"
Now why didn't I think of that myself? Thought Caroline.
Lily froze. "I. Am. Not. Kissing. James. Potter."
Caroline smirked. "Actually? You are."
The Next Morning
The First thing that came into Lily's head when she woke up was What a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and- OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO KISS JAMES POTTER!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Lily screamed, shooting out of bed so she could 'spazz out' properly.
Okay, focus. Stop running around the dorm and focus. I can do this. Stupid legs stop running! All I have to do is ask Caroline to call off the dare. Good. I'll do that now.
"Caroline? Hey, Caroline?" Lily shook Caroline's shoulder gently.
"Leave me alone," Caroline mumbled. "I'm asleep."
"Caroline wake up!"
No response.
"CAROLINE!"
No response.
"Caroline, someone cut off all your hair while you were sleeping." Lily said calmly.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Caroline screamed, shooting out of bed so she could 'spazz out' properly.
"Caroline, calm down. No one cut off your hair. Although if you don't shut up, I may be tempted." Lily waved a pair of scissors threateningly. Well, actually, they weren't scissors, they were eyebrow tweezers. But what else did you expect to find on Caroline's bedside table?
Caroline plopped back down on to her bed. "What did you want to talk about?" she asked nicely, because it was obvious that Lily was in a real dire need of some good girl talk and she wasn't getting any from her current friends. Maybe she wanted to know how to seduce James Potter…? Assuming this was Lily's question Caroline started spouting out helpful tips. "Well, it shouldn't be too hard for you, because I've been trying to seduce James Potter for years and all he talks about is 'Look how hot Lily is',"
"Um, that's what I'm afraid of." Lily said quietly.
Caroline stopped talking. "What?"
"James liking me." Lily said quietly
"What?" Shouted Caroline! "DON'T YOU THINK JAMES POTTER IS HOT!"
Sirius woke up to someone saying "Don't you think James Potter is HOT!
"Remus" He mumbled before going back to sleep, "We really do have to talk about this…"
"Of course I do" Said Lily, a little hurt that her friend was yelling her
"Then why don't you go out with him! You're all he can think about!"
"That's the point." Lily said "He's so involved with me, and all I ever do is hit him. Think of what he'd do if I kissed him!"
"You're kissing James Potter?"
"DUH! YOU DARED ME TO!"
"Oh, yeah." Caroline laughed. "That was pretty funny, wasn't it?"
"Caroline, please call off the dare." Lily pleaded.
"No." Caroline said smiling up at Lily. "And I'm not doing this to be mean to you. James loves you, which, I do admit, is a little weird in someone his age, but still. James loves you, Lily, and you like him. I know James Potter. I've been flirting with him for years, and I know for a fact that he would never do anything with you that you weren't comfortable with. Why don't you just give it a try? Now I'm tired. I'm going back to bed."
Caroline crawled back under her covers, leaving Lily to think about what her friend had said.
That Afternoon
"Remember," Sirius coached. "We will be with you every step of the way. We are on this side of the two-way mirror and you are on the other side of the two-way mirror."
"Really?" James said sarcastically.
"Look at what I have to work with!" Sirius exclaimed slapping his head (as soon as Sirius realized what he had just done, he pulled out a notebook and quill. "Two… Hundred…")
"Sirius, he was being sarcastic." Remus explained patiently.
"Oh. Good. As I was saying, you will tuck that two-way mirror up your sleeve, and if people ask why you have a hard lump on your arm say it's a tumor,"
"Um, Sirius?" Remus interjected tentatively.
"Be quiet, Remus." Sirius snapped before turning back to James.
"You seem irritable this morning." Remus grumbled.
"Well, I hardly got any sleep, seeing as you were screaming about James all night!"
"What!" the three marauders exclaimed in surprise.
"Never mind, right now. But Remus, we really need to have a talk about your feelings for" Sirius sneaked a glance at James "certain people."
"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Remus said, turning red.
"Blushing is the sure sign of a liar." Sirius said. "Now, moving on,-"
"She's coming!" Peter shouted.
"Shoot." Sirius said. "Well, go! I'll tell you what to say when you're in position."
"Good luck," Remus said to James. "We'll wait for you in the common room,"
"Testing, testing. 1,2,3."
"Shut up" James hissed "She's right here"
"Did you just tell me to shut up?"
"What? No. I…"
"Tell her her eyes are shining like the stars tonight."
"Your eyes are shining like the stars tonight"
"What?"
"Honestly, you'd think she'd be able to hear better"
"Really, um, I mean. The stars. Brilliant. I'm not joking.
"What are you talking about?"
"What's wrong with her ears?"
"What's wrong with your ears? Oh bugger, didn't mean to say that. A little help here?"
"Uh… I dunno… Improvise. Ask her out!"
"Ask her out!"
"Who are you talking to?"
"Um… you?"
"You want me to ask out a girl?"
"No, I want to ask out you!"
"Ummm…"
"I know! Ask Lily for a kiss."
"Ask Lily for a … er, pony!"
"James, I don't have a pony to give you."
"Oh. Will you kiss me?"
"James!"
"Lily" James said a pleading note in his voice "Please. A kiss from you is worth a thousand galleons to me."
What? James panicked Sirius didn't tell me to say that. Why did I say that? Will she club me over the head now? Throw something heavy at me? Lily's going to kill me or maybe she'll-
James's thoughts were interrupted by the soft touch of Lily's lips on his.
James pulled her closer, deepening the kiss. When Lily pulled away he asked her a question:
"Lily, will you go out with me?"
Lily was about to say no, but stopped herself "Yes James." She said "I certainly will."
Back in the common room, three marauders were applauding merrily, thanks to a special two-way mirror.