Disclaimer: Calvin, Susie, and their parents belong to Bill Watterson. Thriller and its lyrics (and dance moves) belong to whoever owns it now that Michael Jackson is dead.
Chiller
*The entire neighborhood is covered with snow. Calvin is running around Susie, pelting her with snowballs while she unsuccessfully tries to protect her head. They are in Calvin's backyard, but as Susie dodges Calvin's attack, they unintentionally wander into the nearby forest. Soon they find themselves in a clearing.*
Susie: Calvin you jerk! Now we're both lost in the middle of a forest!
Calvin: Well, you kept running away and I kept chasing you! It's all your fault. I'm going home.
*He runs around, trying to find a familiar path. Susie just stands there, and realizes it is nearly dark. The temperature has dropped several degrees.*
Susie: Brr, it's so cold out. I hope I don't catch a cold. Wait, what's that noise?
*Her eyes grow to the size of dinner plates as she realizes the snow around her is moving. Soon, demented snowmen of the kind Calvin would make are emerging from the ground, growling and flexing their many arms. She turns to Calvin, who is suddenly wearing a red jumpsuit.*
Susie: Eek! What's going on? Help, help!
*The snowmen surround her. Some arrange themselves into a diamond-shaped formation, with Calvin at the point facing Susie.*
Calvin: Muahahahaha!
*Calvin begins to sing*
Calvin: It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes You're paralyzed
*Calvin and the snowmen begin to dance. First they simultaneously jerk their shoulders to their heads. Then they bend their legs and twitch their heads. The snowmen continue to dance.*
Calvin: 'Cause this is chiller, chilling night And no amount of bedrest will save you from the lethal frostbite *The snowmen raise their shoulders, jerk their heads to the side and raise their arms. *
Calvin: You know it's chiller, chilling night You're fighting for your life trapped in layers and layers of white
*A snowman grabs the screaming Susie and buries her in a snow mound.*
You see snow goons close in and realize there's nowhere left to run You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination, girl!
But all the while you feel cold death creeping up You're out of luck
'Cause this is chiller, chilling night There ain't no second chance against the army made of ice, girl *The dancers shake their hips, raise arms and legs, and turn from side to side, making claws with their hands.*
Calvin: Chiller, chilling night You're racing through a tunnel and wondering if you'll ever see the light Snow demons calling, frost goons start to walk in their masquerade There's no escaping the jaws of the yeti this time (They're open wide)
This is the end of your life
*The snow goons shuffle their feet. They join the circle around Susie. and begin to walk towards her, shrinking the circle.*
Calvin: They're out to get you, there's snowmen closing in on every side They will freeze you unless you manage to thaw out in time Now is the time for you to bundle yourself together, yeah A frozen meal is what you will be I'll make you see
*The snowmen make the diamond formation again. Each one bends down while Calvin spins around.*
Calvin: That this is chiller, chilling night 'Cause I can freeze you so much refrigerators will cry Chiller, chilling night So let me fix you tight and give a Freezing, piercing, numbing chiller here tonight
'Cause this is chiller, chilling night Girl, I can freeze you so much refrigerators will cry Chiller, chilling night So let me fix you tight and give you pneumonia, now!
*Suddenly, Calvin's voice becomes quiet, and a new, deeper voice sounds out.*
Calvin: I'm gonna chill ya tonight.
Voice: Blizzards fall across the land The midnight hour is close at hand As the frost storms tear and rage Winter will come to start a new ice age
And whosoever are found Outside, out of bounds Must face their icy end They will never be warm again The piercing wind is in the air The seas will turn to permafrost And icicles on the ceiling bloom Close to trap you in your icy tomb
And though you fight to stay alive Your body starts to shiver For no mere mortal can resist The cold of the chiller
*Calvin throws back his head and starts to laugh*
Calvin: MUAHAHAHAHA!
THE NEXT MORNING
*Calvin's parents and Susie's parents, are talking to a Search and Rescue worker. Calvin's and Susie's mothers are sobbing.*
S&R Worker: I'm sorry, sirs and madams. There was no trace of the boy. However, we did find this.
*S&R produces Susie's frozen body*
THE END