Ha.
I don't own Tony Stark or any of the characters mentioned, nor do I own the song (Me by the 1975)
Trigger Warning as well; this story will be discussing some really dark thoughts from Tony's head, and this song is a little depressing and has some lyrics discussing suicide. So, be careful. Take care of yourself, my dears. Your mental health is more important than reading some story.
Enjoy:
I got a plane in the middle of the night, don't you mind
No one was in the house his first night back. He was alone. He was alone in his dirty shirt, dirty pants, dirty shoes and socks. His hair was falling all over the place, and his hands were shaking, his nails still had dirt hidden under them. Pepper was away, fixing his mistakes. It hadn't taken him long to fuck up. Rhodey was angry at him, for reasons he had no idea why.
And he was alone. Staring at a computer screen, studying what was going on in his body. Trying to figure out if he was going to die. His fingers hitting the table, drumming. His knees jumping up and down in an anxious attempt to keep his mind quiet.
But it didn't work. There was a creak in the house, and he clutched his chest. His breathing too rapid to make sense. He had no idea what was going on, freaking out more and more. His vision was so blurry. He stood up, walking around and trying to figure out what was happening. His hearing was all out, the was ringing so god damned loud. His hands were shaking, he was terrified. He didn't understand. He didn't understand. He kept walking, hand on the wall, trailing around. Whipping his head back and forth trying to find out what was happening, where the sound came from.
Then there was another creak and he shit himself, almost screaming in utter terror. He whipped himself around, eyes searching through the clouded vision. He needed to understand what the noises where. But he couldn't. He started hyperventilating, his breathing shuddering, his chest tightening so much. He clenched it again, clenching the shirt on his chest tightly. He leant against the wall, trying to calm himself down. He'd never experienced this. He'd have moments of small anxiety around his father, but never this. he didn't understand. He kept focusing, trying to calm himself but it didn't work. His breathing became more and more strained. It became harder to breathe.
Then, he fainted and hit his head.
I nearly killed somebody, don't you mind, don't you mind
Sitting in the newly named Avengers tower. Natasha was sitting at a bar, sipping water with a toasted sandwich next to her. Steve was sitting on the couch, watching Tony.
Tony was staring straight ahead, a million thoughts rushing through his head. He couldn't believe what was going on. He had killed a child. Accidentally, he was trying so hard to protect everyone and didn't realise that when he threw a ship into the building. A part of it had fallen. And killed a kid.
He killed a fucking child. A small, innocent child. He had fucking murdered it with his stupidity. He'd tried so hard, but not hard enough. He was trying to protect everyone, and now he had killed someone. He'd killed a child. Someone who didn't understand what was happening, or what was going on. Someone who had parents who loved, and adored them.
And he'd personally ended their lives.
"Tony?" Steve's worried voice filled his ears, breaking his rush of thoughts. "Are you okay?"
He wasn't sure how to react, so he just shrugged. Steve continued to speak, explaining something he had done accidentally in the 40s, and Nat joined in. They somehow knew what was going on in his head, and they were trying to make him feel better. Somehow, without telling them what was happening, or even letting them into his head. They knew him. They tried to help. Give him supportive smiles. Nat learnt his favourite food and would make it sometimes, Steve would then take over because Nat only burnt the food.
But they made him smile, and feel a bit better.
I gave you something you can never give back, don't you mind
He had built them a pool. But he never went in. It took him three months to get comfortable with just sitting on the same floor as the pool, and watching his friends splash around. He wasn't sure if he could ever get in the pool.
They all constantly asked him "why? Come join us! It will be fun!" But he refused. He preferred to watch them, sit near the pool.
He was nearly asleep one day, dozing under the hot sun when he was woken up but a too familiar splashing. He sat up straight, his vision blurring completely. He punched whoever was in front of him, and tried running forward, but he fell.
He fell into the pool. He gasped, fighting whoever was trying for him, but he couldn't find up. He couldn't get out of the pool.
Hands he couldn't see grabbed him, forcing him backwards. The second he could breathe real air he struck out. Fighting the people around him.
He didn't stop fighting until a soft voice hit his ears, a soft hand. He leant into the soft voice. Calming himself down. He curled into the voice, their hair touching his shoulder. They didn't shy away, but it wasn't Pepper. Right now, he didn't care. Their touch was soothing and calming. They seemed to understand what was happening, almost more than Pepper.
It was only once he was calm did he realise that he had been cuddling Natasha fucking Romanoff, and she was the one to calm him and that he had had a pretty bad flashback in front of his entire team.
He had no other choice than to leave for the tower, going down to the Lab. Bruce joined him, sitting quietly in Tony's lab, not asking or questioning what was happening. Just sitting, watching Tony work away until he quietly explained he had been experiencing panic attacks, extreme anxiety and flashbacks since Afghanistan. He added, almost as an afterthought, that he was quite depressed.
You've seen your face like a heart attack, don't you mind, don't you mind
"I'm going to sleep downstairs, tinker with that." He was stone cold. Sitting, staring outside, only at the city lights, trying not let his gaze drift upwards. Tony Stark was terrified. He was scared, and he didn't understand.
He was pushing her away again, he always did it. When he was struggling, he pushed her away. He pushed everyone anyway. Now he was shoving her away, and holding her at arm's length. It was scary, seeing her walk down the stairs, away from him. He wanted to reach out and grab her and beg her to stay.
But she was scared. And now he was awake again. It was 4 am, he slept 3 hours at most. He never slept anymore. He couldn't sleep. He was struggling so much. He was terrified of the dark now. He had to sleep in light. His sheets couldn't cover the arch reactor. There had to be a source of light. He couldn't be completely covered either. He wasn't exactly sure why he couldn't be covered, but it was a massive trigger. And it always ended it horrific panic attacks.
He walked down the stairs, Pepper was asleep on the couch. He snuck behind her, wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. She woke up for a second, pushing him away but he wouldn't let go, almost begging her to not let him, let her go.
"Please." He mumbled. She stopped pushing, reaching behind him to stroke his hair. "I'm struggling."
I was late, but I arrived; I'm sorry, but I'd rather be getting high than watching my family die
He was late to their date. Only a bit late. Pepper looked almost murderous. She barely talked to him, not listening to his reasoning (he was with the avengers and something had triggered Steve and they had to calm him down). She said it didn't matter. He said it did. She said he needed to focus on her. She needed him to focus on her. He said he was, he was focusing on her. Focusing on keeping her safe. He said he couldn't lose her, he said he was terrified of losing her. He was almost begging her. But she wasn't listening. Claiming she needed him present, and needed him to actually be with her. Because making her suits, making her safe wasn't being with her. It wasn't the thing she wanted. He tried, saying he needed her to be safe. He was trying. He wasn't sleeping, he wasn't sleeping at all and he was tinkering. She chastised him for caring more about the Avengers than her.
Then he left the date. He didn't know why, but he walked out. She was pissed, he was angry. And he couldn't deal with that at the moment. She had texted him when he was back inside his house, claiming she needed a break and that's what the entire date was about. She was sick of him refusing to say 'I love you'. He wanted to throw his phone off the house, but he didn't. He sat with his friends, showed Nat the text. She rubbed his back, told him to better himself without her. Steve gave him a sorry smile, and Bruce took the phone off his hands, saying he didn't need it.
And then, they all got high together. Finally, the Avengers, sitting together, calmly. Not with millions of stressed thoughts rushing through their busy heads. Without stress, without worrying about danger. It was the Avengers, but it was the Avengers being calm.
Exaggerate and you and I; Oh I think I did something terrible to your body, don't you mind
He loved dancing. Pepper loved it more. He knew it made her happy, so he got lessons. Got lessons, taught himself how to dance classically. And he came home one night, turning on a softer song, and held out his hand, allowing her to take it. He pulled her up, holding her waist and hand, dancing softly.
Tony pulled his best friend closer, resting his head on her shoulder, her doing the same. She was swaying slowly. The song changed, to one that she loved so much, and they continued dancing around the house, Pepper whispering to him, muttering she loved him, Tony kissing her, muttering stuff about how he was still horrific at dancing.
A more upbeat song came up next, and she pulled away but kept their hands connected, moving to the beat of the song, almost begging him to follow. And he did. It was the first time in months that he truly smiled at her. He felt so happy, watching her dance, jig her head to the beat. Holding hands, acting like teens who got the alcohol and needed to dance it all away.
It was one of their better weeks. It was their first week back together after a month-long break. A break of constant nightmares, with the final week of him calling her shaking and begging her to stay safe. He was so scared that he was going to lose her, and now she was back in his arms and the threat was even worse. She was back under the public eye.
But he loved her, and she was dancing in his arms. Dancing around the kitchen, cooking food. Smacking his butt as she went past him. He smiled at his partner. He was back. She was back. He was feeling good again.
I put your mother through hell, don't you mind
Pepper's mother worried about her, being with a Stark and all. She worried more when Pepper told her she was in love with the man, even more, when he continuously risked his life, for everyone. She watched the TV at night, watching her daughter's partner fly through the sky, fighting all the evil he could. Fighting creations of others. She watched in horror, one evening, as her daughter flashed on the screen, and Stark flew in, grabbing her, flying her away. She had seen her daughter in the line of fire, because of Tony fucking Stark.
She sat down with him one night, basically broke into Stark's house, sitting down with him.
"Don't you ever think about hurting my daughter." She had begun. Stark looked almost taken back, stating he wouldn't ever hurt her, and tried to protect her every moment of the day. She doubted him, scoffing. She told him she'd seen her daughter on the TV, seen her almost dying. His eyes closed, he tried to explain he was trying to protect her the best he could. He took her down to his lab, showed him a section of the lab he'd dedicated to protecting Pepper. Suits. So many suits. Suits for every danger he could think up of. He was spending hours trying to protect her.
"You need to be with her. That's protecting her." Pepper's mum explained. He shook his head, fingers fighting with each other as he grew more anxious. His still hadn't told Pepper he loved her. He was struggling so much with it, and he hoped to show her mum this collection, this corner all for her would show her mum he adored her daughter. He tried explaining that he couldn't lose her, he would lose his mind if he lost her. He had to protect her.
But her mother still worried about her daughter and that Stark man.
I hurt your brother as well, don't you mind, don't you mind
Tony was a pusher. He pushed people. Away. He saw someone getting close to him and all the alarm bells went off and he's like "FUCK IT" and pushed them away. He held them at arm's length and refused to allow them to get closer.
He guesses that it was probably his upbringing that scared him off closeness. As a kid, he was forced to tell the press his feelings, but then hit if he actually let off what happened. His parents demanded he is open to the press, but not too open. Demanded he only told himself what was going on. He wasn't allowed to be close.
He wasn't even allowed to be close to his parents. He never learnt how to be close. At 16, his dad lectured him for hours because Tony had mentioned he had a friend. He wasn't allowed to have friends. Only business partners. Friends were something he couldn't do. He wasn't allowed to do. A girlfriend? Only for business. A best friend? Only for business. He wasn't allowed closeness as a ground rule. So he never learnt. He never learnt how to let walls down. He never learnt how to grow close to someone straight away. Rhodey was his first actual friend. He was young too and saw Tony for what he actually was. He made him laugh sometimes and helped Tony through the harder times at school (and in the future, he helped Tony more than literally anyone ever could. Pulling him through darker days, begging for them all to continue searching for his friend, nearly (completely) breaking down sobbing when they actually found Tony).
He was intelligent, but only with technology. Learning to be open, learning to open himself up was so fucking hard. And he didn't know if he could do it.
Oh I was thinking 'bout killing myself, don't you mind, don't you mind
He wouldn't admit it. He never would. He wouldn't admit that he once sat with a gun in his hand, shaking so much. He would never admit that he stared death in the face. It was years ago, he assured himself. He was 18, he was upset, he was struggling. His mum just died, he was angry. So fucking angry. He blamed himself, he blamed the world.
And he wanted out of it. He wanted to leave his life because he was so over it. He was so over everything that caused him pain. He was over fighting with his (then) boyfriend. He couldn't handle the constant fighting, so he left. Without really discussing what was happening. He texts him a week later, explaining he was sorry, but wanted to end the relationship. He was so deep into his own head, and his own thoughts, no one could get through to him. He was gone to the world. Lost in his own head, too dissociated to move around, or actually focus on others and feel real. He wasn't feeling okay. He was feeling so disgusting and revolting.
It was after his second attempt that he decided he didn't need people (his first was holding the gun and then throwing it in the bin. His second was drinking himself to near death and then taking a handful of prescription meds. He woke up in a hospital). He was told he needs help, needs a therapist. Rhodey was the first one who started supporting him, sitting next to his friend and offering to help.
But Anthony Edward Stark did not need a therapist. He did not need any outside help. He needed himself, and himself only. He was fine.
I love you, don't you mind, don't you mind
Tony Stark couldn't say I love you. Pepper said it a few months into them dating. He just nodded, and kissed her in response, having to explain how much he struggled to say 'I love you', that he struggled to trust people. It pissed her off at first, but then she realised he did love her.
He listened to her, he did what made her happy. He learnt what made her smile, and he did that. He learnt what she loved the most, and he gave her that.
She told him one night, as they cuddled, that he did he didn't need to say it. That she knew. He couldn't respond. He stood there, unable to say the words back. He was sitting with her, cuddled up on the couch (it was something they did a lot) when she turned and said she didn't expect him to say 'I love you'. She didn't expect him to force himself to say something he didn't want to. He could wait because she didn't need it. But still couldn't respond when she said that, holding her super close, mumbling saying thank you.
He finally said it, while they were fighting, as stupid as it was. Pepper was pissed that he rarely spent time around anyone, he only worked. He couldn't hold himself together, he was running on three days without sleep. He couldn't sleep anymore. She was asking why he was never there, yelling at him. He snapped; "Because I fucking love you, and I can't live without you. And, and I love them, and I can't live without them. For fuck's sake, don't you see? I love you so. I love you so much and every day I wake up terrified that somethings going to happen to you because they exist. I have, I have nightmares. Of you. Of you dying. Of them dying. Aliens fucking exist and, and what if? What. What if they hurt you? What, how. How can... How can I deal?" He was stuttering, and she was hugging him now, already muttering words of comfort, trying to calm the threatening panic attack. "I love you, Peps."
"I love you most."
I put your mother through hell, don't you mind
Pepper was at a dinner with her father. Leaving her mother and Tony alone again. Tony, was worried. He had only just told Pepper he loved her. And he was terrified about it. He was struggling with his head, and wanting to protect himself, his feelings and fling his walls up again, but also need to not lose her. He had come close to losing her to his stupidity before and he was terrified
Her mum must have known because the first thing she said was; "Why didn't you say it earlier? She thought you didn't love her."
"She knew. I did everything to show I loved her. I'm sorry, I can't explain why I couldn't say. But I couldn't. It scared the shit out of me, Mrs Potts."
"But why?"
He couldn't explain why. He just knew he couldn't. For ages, he couldn't muster the courage. He'd whisper it to her when she slept. The nights were he spent in the lab, working until ungodly hours trying to protect her, and then crawled into bed, looking at her for a few moments, muttering he loved her. But saying it to her awake and aware was so different. He had almost said it a few times. Watching her cook, bustling around the kitchen. He mumbled it to himself, her ears pricked. Asking what he had said. He said nothing. But he had mumbled, "God, I love you." He really did love Pepper Potts, and he had to explain it to her mother, without actually, really explaining it.
Mrs Potts knew he loved her. She stopped worrying when he greeted her at the door, mumbling something in her ear that made her daughter smile and pushes him away. She stopped worrying when she saw him light up when he was around her. She stopped worrying when she saw the text from her daughter saying he was present again. She didn't worry about her daughter and that Stark man much anymore.
I hurt your brother as well, don't you mind, don't you mind
His drinking hurt his friends. Steve and Bruce hated it. They hated finding their friend laying on the ground, almost dead from drinking so much. They hated watching him down glass after glass of liquor. Watching their close friend almost kill himself from drinking.
Steve understood a bit he guessed. He knew where that want came from. He understood that drinking calmed the anxieties, calmed the racing thoughts, calmed all the shell-shock that threw him and all his friends around. Bruce did not understand. He never could understand drinking for the purpose of being drunk. He understood drinking, he loved a good drink. But he stopped so much, and now? He didn't. He had other coping mechanisms, and he understood with that (weed was great, he had to admit it and he was trying to convince Tony to smoke with him sometimes).
They wanted to help their friend. Stop the addiction. Stop the drinking before it got out of hand. They had to help their friend learn to cope without drinking.
Tony thought, he did not have an addiction, and drinking was a perfectly healthy coping mechanism. Until he drunk so much he walked to the pool and fell in, Steve and Bruce barely managing to pull the drunk, panicked man out without hurting themselves and him. He was stuck panting on the side of terror, Steve's hand on his back, muttering soft calming statements. He really wasn't doing well still. He couldn't seem to cope and be okay. He wasn't sure why, or what was actually going on, but his brain hated him, and he hated his brain. He was sick and tired. And maybe he did need some help.
Oh I was thinking 'bout killing myself, don't you mind, don't you mind
He was sitting on the floor of his apartment. No one was home with him. JARVIS was shut off, and he was feeling shit. The actual day hadn't been so bad, all his friends were smiling at each other, hugging him and such. He didn't feel shitty all day. He didn't feel depressed. Which was interesting. He was excited. He was laughing with them. He was sitting by the pool even. He refused to get in, and his friend knew now and didn't mind too much. He sat away from the water, laughing as his friend fought each other in the water. They asked, sometimes, if he wanted to join, but he didn't. During dinner, it rained. He freaked, ran back inside. He didn't understand anymore. He was fine for months and months and hadn't panicked in rain in so long. Natasha had taken him home and left to go out again with all the Avengers. And now he was alone. Drinking himself half to death. He was so drunk, falling over himself. His friends were out, they weren't going to get to his floor anyway. He had locked it off. He was feeling good the more he drank, the more alcohol that got into his system made him feel better and better.
Tony Stark, was a fucking mess. He was a grown ass man, who was drinking enough to kill a fucking elephant. Tony Stark had so many issues it was amazing. Drunk Tony Stark considered calling up Guinness Book of World Records for the man with the most issues. He could barely trust her (Pepper). He couldn't trust his friend. He was obsessed with keeping his friends safe. He couldn't lay in the bath, now he couldn't stand in the rain. He couldn't lay in dark rooms.
And now it was New York. His triggers list pilled on. He couldn't look at the stars anymore. She remembered it completely crushed him, as they use to watch the stars together. And now he couldn't.
He really needed her and needed help. And he wasn't accepting it.
I love you, don't you mind, don't you mind
The wedding vows were the hardest thing he had to do. Pepper held his hand as he told all his friends how he felt about the woman standing in front of him. His hand was shaking because he was really letting his walls crumble. The wedding was small, with only the Avengers and some of Pepper's closest friends.
"You've. Uh." He cleared his throat again, gripping her hand tighter. "You've promised me that you'll love me forever, and I've struggled to admit that I know I will, love. Uh." He was stumbling, and Pepper broke the fake wedding rule and pulled him in for a hug.
"You don't need to tell them all this." He shook his head, pulling away, but still holding her hand, her rubbing the back of his hand with her thumb. Slow, calming circles. Her smile was soft, almost egging him on.
"I know I will adore you forever. I promise that I will protect you, and I'll make sure you're safe forever. I promise that I will make decisions with you, for the business and for us. I promise. I promise that I'll learn to smile again for you."
Pepper's smile lit up the room, she gripped his hand tighter.
"My turn. I promise, so much. I think I'll tell you some later, so to." She nudged her head in the direction of his friends. He knew what she meant. Tony was closed off, it was easy to spot, he was detached from the real world most of the time, and having her promise she'd bring him to reality whenever he needed it was a little too obvious that he was messed up. So she promised him other things. She promised she didn't mind being in love with iron man, she loved his nature, she promised she wouldn't leave (he had to resist the urge to hug her then and there). She promised (without saying anxieties) that she would be there, she would quell his worries about abandonment, and death. She promised to be present. Tony couldn't help but interrupt, adding, almost laughing, that he promised to be present as well, stopping tinkering so much. She only laughed and then promised she didn't mind the tinkering. As long as she was involved now. He said he didn't mind.
The room was silent before the priest said you may kiss the bride to Tony. He pulled her in so close, whispering a quick "I adore you" before kissing her, begging her to never let him go. They pulled away, and the cheers from his friends erupted, cheering for their happiness.
Their first dance mirrored one of almost three years ago. A time of repairment, for both of them. For their relationship. Pepper was struggling with the constant thought of losing him, and he was struggling with the thoughts of losing his friends, his army, but mostly her. They let go of each other back then, allowing fears to dictate their futures. Pepper had left, for fear. Fear of attachment and Tony had let her. He was terrified of closeness, of companionship, of being in love. He was scared of saying I love you, and she was scared he never would say it back. They had grown so strong since then, minus a few ups and downs of course. A few breaks, that usually hurt one more than the other. Breaks that Pepper would sit up, worrying about the man she needed space from. She worried about what he was doing, and how he was doing it. She nearly lost her shit when she found out about his fight with Steve, calling him the second he was back, asking if he was okay. That was the last time they took a break. Tony couldn't speak on that call, and she was so broken by his shuddering breathes that she promised to come to find him. Only to hear a knock on her door, and see the man she needed before him.
Their relationship was constantly changing, and it felt good. It felt happy, and it felt so fucking safe. The good safe. Tony trusted that Pepper Stark (nee Potts) with his entire being and she trusted him with her entire being.
Pepper rubbed his back as they danced, thinking about the future together, Tony mumbling her loved her. Pepper only laughing.
"It's funny." She started, "a year ago you couldn't say that. It brought you to panic, and now you've said it about 15 thousand times today."
"I can go back to not saying it." He tried.
She shushed him, "I was only making a point. Anyway, you're extremely handsome today."
He couldn't reply bending down slightly to rest his head on the crock of her neck like they had done so much at home. "You're stunning. You also are official, naming wise, in Stark industries. I think I can give you the entire business now."
"Oh trust you to bring up business now." She retorted, but he knew she was smiling. "Seriously Tony, how did I fall in love with you?" They kept dancing, not noticing when everyone else took the floor, still feeling close, barely pulling away from each other until it was time to eat, and even then their hands were still connected. By the time the night came along, they were exhausted, and only simply held each other, whispering silly things about the business (that she now owned) and futures.
I hope you enjoyed.
Sorry for the depressing nature.
~ Georgia