Chapter One: Acceptance
Dumbledore looked at the clock impatiently, staring at the minute hand and willing it to move faster. He sighed, knowing he should be more patient at his old age. He glanced at the fireplace, only to see dull orange embers greet him. He stared out the window, a world of gray awaiting him. It was going to rain soon, Harry wouldn't be able to play quidditch today.
He was nervous. Harry's interview was a big event for him, and the young wizard was already late. Then suddenly the fireplace glowed green, and out jumped the great Boy-Who-Lived, who defeated Voldemort and lived to tell the tale. Not that Harry was a talkative sort, on the contrary he was still quiet and shy.
But twenty years after the big event, he seemed to be more confident, more self assured. Despite the fact that his marriage with Ginny Weasely was failing miserably-the two weren't cut out for each other, Ginny wanted fame, and Harry wanted to live in peace and quiet away from society- Harry seemed happy as he strode with purpose in front of Dumbledore and sat down.
"Do you want tea?" asked Dumbledore. He conjured an iron pot of tea and let it pour itself mid air. An impressive piece of wandless magic, thought Harry, I only wish I was half as talented as Dumbledore.
"Thank you, Albus," Harry said, "So about the teaching position. I would love to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts. Thank you so much."
"Hold on there, Harry, this is only an interview. You haven't got the job yet," Dumbledore chided, eyes twinkling.
"Oh, of course," Harry said, colouring. He coughed to hide the awkwardness and studied the wallpaper. "That's an interesting clock you have there," he said. The clock was in fact the most uninteresting object in the whole office.
"Yes, it was a present from your wife for my birthday two months ago," Dumbledore said.
"I'm sorry, I must have forgotten about it. I didn't send you a present," Harry said.
"That's alright, Harry," Dumbledore said, smiling, "Now back to the interview. What is your biggest fear?"
"Dementors," Harry replied, "I'm still deadly scared of them, you know that."
"Of course, not Voldemort then?"
"No, he never scared me."
"What do you think makes you suitable for this job?"
"I'm resourceful, and I know how to fight and take care of myself. I taught students before, privately, and they went on to become world champions."
"Yes I heard, or rather, Flitwick told me."
"I think I also have a talent for Defence against Dark arts, I think I'd make a good teacher."
"You're going to get the job, you know that already," Dumbledore said, "But what I really want to know is why are you doing this? You can have anything you want, why this?"
"I want to get close to Hogwarts again. It's my home," Harry said, green eyes shining, "And I just want to be here again. It's where I'm most comfortable. I think that Hogwarts has a magical air around it that simply fills me with a joy unlike anything I've ever known before. I can't explain it, but Hogwarts has been calling me for quite some time now."
"Ah, I get the same feeling," Dumbledore said. "I hope someday you become a headmaster like me, Harry."
"Replace you?" Harry laughed, "I think we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves. I'm only forty years old."
"And quite a fine auror, I've heard."
"Retired now," Harry said. He coughed. "I have a cold, so I'm not feeling the best today."
Dumbledore took out a lemon drop and handed it to Harry, "This always clears up colds for me," he said. "Harry I want to know, what happened with Voldemort? How did you defeat him?"
"I can't tell you that Dumbledore. I will take the secret to my grave."
"I see, well then, I think that's everything. You know where the staff wing is, don't you? You can move in any time you like."
Harry thanked Dumbledore, and finished his tea. They made small talk, but Harry grew increasingly uncomfortable in Dumbledore's presence, as if the old man was trying to read his mind. He was glad when he was able to get out of the office, and wander the hallways. There weren't any students because it was summer so he spent a nice relaxing two hours simply walking around, looking at the paintings, sometimes having small conversations. It was a relaxing peaceful welcome back to Hogwarts for him, just perfect.
He went to his room, bed, table, shelf. Very spartan, he thought. He liked it that way. He was already fond of the room, compared to his giant expensive mansion in Manning Village. There was a fireplace at the end of the Staff hallway. He put in some floo powder, and called out, "Potter Mansion!"
Ginny's face peered out from the fireplace. "Hey Harry, how do you like Hogwarts so far?"
"Love it," Harry said. "What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," Ginny said. Harry could tell she was lying but he let it go. "So when are you coming back home?"
"I think I'm going to stay here for a week, and work out the lesson plans for the year. But let's have dinner tonight."
Ginny pouted, "A whole week? Why Harry?"
"We need time alone," Harry said, "Our marriage is at rock bottom after you cheated on me."
"Harry that happened two months ago," groaned Ginny, "And you were to blame as well, because you were never around."
"I know, but we still need to work out these issues and it's going to take time."
"Okay, Harry," Ginny said softly, her eyes angrily blazing. "I see this is important to you. Call me for dinner later." She ended the call.
That went well, Harry thought. He walked back to his room and started working out the lesson plans.
It was very boring and technical work. He went to the library to pick up some basic defense books, and started to compose a list of books for first years to read. He had to make seven lesson plans, one for each year for the students.
He took a break a few hours later, and went to the fireplace. He shouted, "Diagon Alley," and jumped in the fire. It was time for ice cream.
Harry stared at the class full of students, waiting on him with wide awed eyes. "So... Uh... Everyone pull out your wand and try to stun me."
The seventh year students looked at each other, confused. Reluctantly they took out the wand and awkwardly shouted, "Stupefy!"
Harry slashed his wand, "Protego!" He casted a silver shield to block thirty stunners. They rebounded and went right back to the students. At least half the class were stunned immediately. He laughed a bit, before ennervating them one at a time. He spent the rest of the class teaching them the proper wand motion to cast a strong stunner.
"You have to jab it in the air, hard, as if you are stabbing someone," Harry explained. "Most of you don't even move your wand, you just say the words and expect magic to happen. That's not how it works."
One of the Slytherin girls, Angelina Malfoy, raised her hand. "Sir can you show us the protego spell again?"
Harry casted it quickly, "Think you can try, Angelina?"
The girl had smooth black hair, and nodded her head in determination. Soon, Harry found she was the best in the class. When the bell rang, and the students piled out, he sat back in his chair and sighed. Teaching was tiring, he thought.
Angelina was still in the class room. "Sir, can I ask you something?"
"Sure," Harry said, sitting up a bit straighter. The girl had pretty eyes. "What do you want to know?"
"How do you... um... Can you personally tutor me?"
Harry raised an eyebrow.
"I mean, I want to be a professional dueler and a few extra lessons will really help me out. Please?"
Harry nodded, rubbing his eyebrows. "Sure, why not," he said, "What class do you have now?"
"Potions," she said. Harry grinned. He ripped a piece of parchment off his desk and wrote a note. "Here give this to Snape later."
Angelina laughed when she read the note and put it in her robe pocket. She pulled out her wand, and said, "Okay let's duel?"
They spent the next hour dueling. Harry showed her a good stance for her size, and helped her tweak basic spells.
"You want to stand with your knees a bit bent, slightly forward leaning, like this," he said.
"Like this?"
"No, you're off balance." Harry walked behind her and grabbed her hips. She looked at him, frowning. "Lean forward." Harry moved his hand to her lower back, feeling the softness of her flesh underneath her robes. It thrilled him.
"How's this," she said, a bit nervous.
Harry's heart was racing. He let his hand wander to her stomach. It was tight. "Go a bit behind, and start circling to find your center of balance."
She did so. Harry knew what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn't stop himself.
No, he thought, no!
He let go of her, and stepped backward quickly. "You should go," he said quietly.
She nodded and walked out with an added sway to her hips as if she knew what he was trying to do. Harry looked around him at the empty classroom, and gazed out the window. It was a brilliant sunny day. He wanted to fly. He was sweaty and slightly tired from the dueling, even though he was going easy on her.
She's a kid, he thought, barely seventeen. Yeah she's pretty but she's too young.
She's almost an adult, a tiny voice said in his mind. Besides, you're Harry Potter, you can do what you want.
I'm a married man, he thought.
Then he remembered how Ginny cheated on him, and he groaned in frustration. He went to his room, and pulled out his firebolt from the trunk. He could ask for a bigger room, but he didn't want a bigger room. He liked this small, slightly cramped, but comfortable room he had.
He went outside, and flew to the Quidditch pitch, doing a few laps. He liked the feeling of the wind in his hair and the nature around him was invigorating. He loved the forests and the trees and he roamed in the air all around Hogwarts. It was a nice luxury for him, stress relieving and tension reducing but he couldn't get his mind off the Slytherin girl, and he couldn't believe his dirty thoughts about her.
"There's no need to be ashamed," he said to himself. He hadn't had sex for two months, and he was on edge. But he hated to pleasure himself. He never had and he never wanted to. He couldn't stand the thought of Ginny and sex. She was more of a sister to him now, than a lover.
He flew more laps and soon there was a crowd of admirers watching him fly, swoop and loop around the Quidditch pitch. One of the players who had reserved the pitch released a snitch. Harry waved, seeing the snitch, and laughingly took off to it. The snitch weaved through the air, and Harry followed. The crowd below him cheered. It was almost evening. It took him only a few minutes to catch the snitch. He had to swoop down, do a Wronski feint and quickly grab it before the golden bird thing flew away again. Then he came down, landing with his feet sliding against the ground, sweaty but happy, a red glow alight in his face, and a healthy twinkle in his eye.
"Excellent flying, Harry," Dumbledore said, popping upfrom behind him. Harry turned and shrugged. "I would love to see you play for a school team."
"I'm not sure I can do that," Harry said, "I'm a teacher, right?"
"No, there is a way. Any team can request a guest player. The Slytherins have requested Victor Krum to be their seeker for the next game and the Gryffindors want you."
Harry chuckled, "That will be something to see. Victor's a professional though."
"And you're the youngest seeker Hogwarts has had in a hundred years. You two will be a perfect match," said Dumbledore stroking his white beard.
"Come on Mr. Potter," said a pale boy with wild blond hair. "You can do it."
"Alright fine," Harry said, "I accept." He laughed again and shook his head, thinking how fine it was for him to end up in Hogwarts again. But he didn't know that soon things would change. He couldn't have known that in one month, one of his students would be murdered.
Dinner was a boisterous celebration filled with merry jokes and tall tales. Harry was having fun. But he kept thinking of the Slytherin girl. He kept thinking of how he had almost lost control. It scared him. It thrilled him, excited him, sent his blood raging, and put a fire in his belly. Am I in love? He thought. Ridiculous, he decided, it's just an infatuation.
He put the fork of chicken into his mouth and chewed slowly, letting the meat roll around in his mouth, tasting the caramel flavour and savouring the spices showered, the flavours were like waterfalls in exotic paradises, like wings to birds that soar. He loved the food, loved the scents, the delight of magic that made the food taste an otherworldly experience. Candles floating on the transparent dome ceiling gave a soft glow to the cavernous hall, and the students were laughingly chattering amongst themselves, stealing glances at him. He looked to the Slytherin table, saw Angelina sitting there, staring at her plate, still as a statue, and he was drawn into her like she had a gravity well. Her beauty shined in the smallest things like her clean cut nails, her soft skin and the red flush on her face as she caught him staring at her. He quickly looked away, to the sky. The clouds floated darkly and the sun was almost gone, a dim orange blob on the horizon.
He ate a vast quantity of the most painfully delightful foods available, infused with creative magic of the cooks-elves and witches alike. Cooking was a popular class, Harry learnt when he engaged his collegue Winfrey in conversation. She was the arthimetic teacher and simply loved the food. Just like Harry did.
Thunder rolled overhead, surprising students and teachers alike. Rain poured at a frantic pace, and a bolt of lightning shot through the sky like a whip. Crack, the sound struck through Harry's heart, resonating within him. His scar was white hot in pain but he didn't let it show. He got up and quickly walked – almost ran – to his room. He sat on his bed, sweaty, white faced.
He tossed and turned, trying to go to sleep. Even though the food he ate made him drowsy and tired, he couldn't fall asleep. As if a hook was embedded in his mind, dragging him to be awake, he couldn't stop picturing that Slytherin girl.
When he finally got to sleep the last thing he remembered was hearing Voldemort's ice cold chuckle, like a rock grating against a table.
----------DREAM STREAM------------
there is a boat on the still black lake
the boat bobs up and down as wind blows making waves on the lake waters and harry is inside the boat rowing away with two wooden oars staring through his glasses straight into the sky
harrys heart pounds he clutches the invisibility cloak tighter
my precious horcrux
the invisbility cloak fills him with energy of the painful kind
as hate flows in him like electricity when he touches the invisibility cloak
a lightning bolt strikes purple light buzzing electricity shocking water explosions harry sees the light reveal a cave to the side... an island
he rows toward the island furiously and into the black darkness of the cave descending deeper deeper suddenly he is falling into the unknown abyss
is this death... he is wondering as he falls the boat is gone the oars are gone his body is gone
he feels himself falling softly like a feather
then hard like a rock
then soft again like a feather
falling falling falling
ah I see the end in the tunnel he says to himself
angelina
I am in love... falling endlessly in love...
with a slytherin girl oh god ron is going to be pissed in heaven or wherever he is
death after life after death after life after death
voldemort horcruxes visions flash in the darkness like lightning
visions of him dueling the dark lord
losing losing taking hits and blows ministry gone hogwarts under attack friends dying
horcrux pulling at his soul in his scar the last one
do I have to kill myself he sees in a vision the vision fades like a mirage in the desert
he suddenly finds himself in a desert hot sunlight no water thirsty thirsty harry potter
falling into a quicksand trap like the abyss of the cave... the same fall into love
oh I see its a slytherin girl he says out loud
and then opens his eyes to see her face hair blowing with the wind
another mirage in the desert
I cant do this
you cant do this harry hermione says
no hermione I never meant for you to die
I never meant for you to die ron
im sorry im sorry im sorry
crying precious tears like jewels dropping into the sand he walks hot sand walking no clothes completely naked to his hurt psyche
all the past emotions clogged up in the drain coming out to get him in here in his nightmares
ginny... I loved you why did you do it... why did you have sex with that man
you dont even know him
I dont even know him
ginny ginny her red hair her brown eyes her laugh and her smile her frowns tears
did you find out what I did to your brother ginny
I never wanted it to happen but the greater good... the greater good... please understand ginny
did you find my confession my diary
I looked in the drawer and found only burnt ashes
twenty years of solid marriage ruined like fire burning the logs in the pit
the ritual to make a horcrux ... ron you should never have agreed to become a victim
to make a horcrux to kill a horcrux I need a sacrifice ron can you do it
yes harry of course I will to kill voldemort I love you harry you're my best friend
hermione is going to miss you ron what will I tell her
tell her I died fighting heroically against great odds
tell her of my love harry
im sorry ron.... avada kedavra
ron falling falling into the fire HORCRUX HORCRUX HORCRUX AVADA KEDAVRA! Green light in the darkness of the forbidden forest
the forbidden chanting parseltongue
aissh aiimishs laithisaa aissh aiimishs laithisaa aissh aiimishs laithisaa the secret spell to make a horcrux
whats the object harry whispers ron in the darkness while having tea in hagrids hut they're talking about what to do later in the night and how to make the horcrux before before time running backwards
I will use the invisibility cloak harry says softly is this okay with you are you sure you want to sacrifice yourself ron
yes harry yes oh god yes for hermione for you for the whole world
im willing to do what it takes harry
im so sorry ron so sorry ... tears in harrys eyes as he graps rons hands and cries... to make a horcrux the most evil evil thing to do
but I had to do it ron I have to do it
make the horcrux and use it to take the horcrux of voldemort's out of my scar secret mysterious magic please trust me
time running backwards... initial approach
ron do you want to play a chess game harry says in the middle of the night waking ron up... I just had a nasty nightmare
argh what time is it fuck four a.m alright fine make some tea ok I will be right down
waiting waiting clock ticking should I ask him fuck fuck horcrux I must make one oh god...
ron trudges down the stairs ok lets play
they're on the dining room table playing the game ron senses harry is going to say something serious waits silently
ron whispers harry I need something from you
ron looks up what is it
if you could sacrifice your life to stop voldemort would you?
Ron senses this is not a theoretical question, stares long and hard in his tea cup and then softly says
yes I would
harry tells him of the horcrux watches rons face grow with horror disgust betrayal anger
I hate you harry ron says quietly I hate you so much
please harry says please I need you for this
very well ron says fine I will die for you harry potter
---------END DREAM STREAM---------
Harry woke up, sweaty, his hair matted and his eyes alight with a weird manic glow as he thought about his horcrux. He raised his mattress and grabbed the silvery cloak, felt a shock run up his spine as he wore it. His soul had been split apart, and whenever he held the cloak he felt a semblance of unity, nothing like what it had been before. He looked out the window, seeing bleak skies and rain on the horizon. Dressing quickly, he put the invisibility cloak back in his hiding spot and strode in a hurry to his first class, defense with the first years.
He entered the room. The students looked at him silently, waiting for him to begin. They loved this class, Harry thought. He was easy on them, he didn't want them to learn too much yet. He could save it for later years. For a first year student, the most important thing Harry could give them was a bit of fun and flair. It was the best introduction to magic, thought Harry. "Okay today we will work on a simple aloharoma. Raise your hands if you can do it."
Thirteen students raised their hands. "Okay come up and show me, all of you one by one." Harry conjured a safe with a lock on it and let the students have their tries. Out of the thirteen students only a couple could manage it. Harry spent the class teaching wand movements for the spell and showing them the right incantation. "Magic doesn't work like technology. It's a skill that must be developed," Harry lectured. "You have to work at it over and over, until the magic inside you responds to the spell."
A boy with green eyes just like Harry's raised his hand, "Sir, can you please tell us how you defeated You-Know-Who?"
Harry smiled softly, "I can't, I'm sorry," he said, "But would you like to hear how I found the philosopher's stone in my first year?"
The boy nodded eagerly. There was still another half hour left of class, in which Harry reminisced about the good old days, his first year, and how the golden trio discovered the stone, all that jazz.
"Okay have a good weekend everybody," Harry said as the students filed out one by one. When the class was empty he decided to take a break and summoned his house elf, Tiffy. She was skinny, small, and had brilliant blue eyes that sparkled merrily. She wore a white gown. "Master Harry, is there anything I can get for you?" asked Tiffy.
"Yes, Tiffy, I would love some scotch and a cigar," Harry said. Tiffy nodded. "Oh and bring a plate of biscuits and tea too, for later."
Tiffy popped out of the air with a wet squelch, and returned a few moments later with everything Harry had asked. "You may go now, Tiffy." She nodded happily.
Harry took the cigar, lit the end of it with his wand and puffed on the smoke for a while, enjoying the floating relaxing feeling he always got from wizard cigars. As he puffed away, watching the smoke billow out of his mouth making all kinds of shapes-dragons, cows, clouds, trees- he thought about the horcrux. He knew he had to destroy it one day, but destroying a piece of your soul-even if it was separated- was easier said than done. Practically impossible, he thought as he inhaled a huge burst of strawberry flavored smoke and let it slowly out.
He took the bottle of scotch and poured himself a tiny glass. Then he tossed it in his mouth and gulped quickly. His belly became scorching hot. He laughed softly, and with a wave of his wand removed the fire on the cigar, and put the cigar and scotch away in his drawer to save it for later. He put a warming charm on the pot of tea, and decided to go for a walk. He still had two hours before his next class. Fridays were his most relaxing days, with only three classes, first years, fourth years, and seventh years in the evening before dinner. They were all spread two hours apart.
He wandered down outside, simply walking, enjoying the feeling of simplicity. He was not Harry Potter here, he was simply a man walking in the wilderness. Except Hogwarts was right behind him. He went to Hagrid's hut. Hagrid had died in the war, but his hut remained, empty yet still furnished. He entered the hut. It was dark and smelled a bit funny, but he let the fireplace roar to life again. He saw there was a book on the table, simply sitting there, dusty and abandoned. He picked it up and read the title, "Dragons." Of course, Harry thought, Hagrid loved dragons. He flipped through the old book and decided to take it with him for some bed time reading.
Suddenly the fireplace turned green, and out popped Albus Dumbledore wearing flowing light blue robes. "Hello Harry, lemon drop?" he asked.
Harry shook his head and said, "Would you like to have a chat with me, Albus?"
"Of course," Albus said, "I actually came here just for that. How have your classes been, Harry?"
Harry took a seat, and Albus sat in front of him. Harry fiddled with the book. "Okay, I guess, I'm not as good as I hoped I would be in teaching. I think I lost the charm that I had when I ran Dumbledore's Army."
Albus grinned, "Ah of course, the old army. They're doing well, I've heard, as a private security group. Why didn't you remain their leader, they would have accepted you and loved you."
Harry chuckled softly and ran his finger down the spine of the dragon book, like he had done with Hagrid's book of monsters in his third year. "Um... I don't know, I guess I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to live in peace. Ginny hates that. She wants to go to all these parties and what not, but I have had enough of fame and fortune."
"I've come to see you about her actually," Albus said. "She wrote me a letter about you. She's worried, and wants you to come and see her more often. You two are married after all, you owe it to her."
"Yes I know," Harry said, "I'll go talk to her today. I've been busy adjusting to being a teacher though. It's much harder than it looks."
Albus laughed, "But you'll be fine, Harry. Go on, take the rest of the day off. I'll cover for you. Spend the day with your wife."
"Thanks Albus," Harry said. He didn't really want to see Ginny but he didn't want to teach today either. He was tired and unhappy. Hogwarts wasn't fulfilling him as he thought it would. "Are you sure though? It's been some time since you've taught, isn't it?"
"I'm sure I still have what it takes," Albus said, "Now go see your wife, Harry."
Harry nodded, and took some of the floo powder on the mantle of Hagrid's fireplace. He tossed it in the fire, let it grow green, and shouted, "Potter Mansion." Then off he went, woosh, into the floo network. He tumbled out in a dark room.
"Hello Harry," said a cold voice. Ginny held a firebolt in her hand and looked as if she were just about to go play a little quidditch in their personally designed pitch in the backyard. "Nice for you to pop up again. I'm sure seeing your husband once a month is perfectly normal for a healthy relationship."
"Ginny, please, let's just enjoy what we have today, okay? I got the rest of the day off," Harry said. "Come on, I'll play a game with you, one on one. Just like we used to."
Ginny's eyes softened, "Oh Harry, I've missed you!" She ran to him and gave him a hug. Harry accepted willingly and closed his eyes. He loved her hair and the way it smelled, and her softness. He hugged her back, tightly. "I'm sorry about the last few weeks, Ginny."
They broke apart and smiled shyly at each other, knowing they had a long way to go before things would be the same again.
"Harry we need to talk, I found the note."
"In my drawer?" Harry asked, a sinking feeling in his gut.
"I burned it, so don't worry," Ginny said, her eyes downcast. "I... I understand, Harry. It's okay."
"T-thank you Ginny," Harry said, tears in his eyes. "I never wanted Ron to die. I loved him like a brother."
"I know, he chose it, didn't he?"
Harry nodded. They had some tea and later went outside to play quidditch. Harry won, but it was a close match. Ginny was sweaty and looked delicious. "You cheated," she said, laughing. "I know you did Mr. Potter."
"I think you're just a sore loser, Mrs. Potter." Harry kissed her forehead, "Come on I'll race you to the shower."
Ginny giggled. She ran after him. Harry turned suddenly letting her bump into him and hugged her. He carried her the rest of the way into their luxurious bathroom. They went in the jacuzzi, and soaked their tired bodies in the hot water. Small waterfalls all around them poured steaming water into the tub.
Harry kissed her passionately and later they rubbed baby oil on each other's back in the sauna. They whispered softly, lovingly, about the good old times with Ron and Hermione, and about their honeymoon. Sparks flew between them. They walked downstairs hand in hand, and had some vanilla ice cream on the patio as they watched the sun set.
"This is lovely Harry," she said, "Are you going to stay for the weekend too?"
Harry nodded. "I think I'm falling in love," he said. "With you," he added quickly. Angelina was gone from his mind. Ginny replaced her.
Ginny giggled and they held hands. Harry felt nothing, his love was false. He was false. Just an icon, a mirage made by the public, by the world around him.
He wanted to go back to Hogwarts and feel the cloak again. His horcrux called to him like a lover. More than that.
There was no love for him, he discovered that day. By splitting his soul he had lost the ability to love, and these emotions he had been feeling were mere shadows that had been left behind. Now that they were being revealed, he was in a state of deep catharsis, a fire burning inside him that cleansed and purified his emotions, his desires.
He wanted more than anything to go away, in solitude.
But he kept holding her hand, even though it felt about as alluring as a slab of wood.
When he went to sleep that night he had a dream of Lord Voldemort torturing a muggle. And he awoke in the middle of the night, sweaty, hot, and sexually aroused.
It scared him.
