Sensei called me to his office, that morning, it was something I wasn't anticipating, I wondered what he wanted, we hadn't had a lesson planned, none the less I came because it was him and I would do anything he asked me. He was dressed in black, it was so sombre, he had such a sad look on his face, I just wanted to comfort him, like he had done for me so many times, but he sat me on a chair in his office and told me to wait.
I was still in my uniform, he had dragged me out of a class but it didn't matter to me, there was no point my being in class, all of my friends already had their sacrifices, they didn't know what it was like being blank, feeling like there wasn't anyone out there for me, but then there was Sensei, I wanted to fight for Sensei, if I could chose a sacrifice it would be him, perhaps it will.
That was what I thought before that day at any rate, that was what i thought before Sensei said the words that broke my heart. "This is the day you will be given your sacrifice, a boy named Aoyagi Semei." At first it didn't even register, I think I must have just stared at him in confusion, what did he mean, there was only one sacrifice i could possibly want, surely he understood that?
"His true name is beloved, you are to become beloved's fighter." Beloved? How ironic, I had always imagined myself as someone's beloved, though not this boy, this Seimei.
"I'm sure you already know. But you're a blank fighter." How could I not? I was a figure of fun amongst all my class mates, I was constantly ridiculed and berated, but the thought of being Sensei's fighter gave me hope.
"Once the name is written it can still be cast off like a cicada shell. Since it is impossible to transfer ownership of a fighter after the name has been written, your sacrifice has was very carefully decided for you." That just makes the betrayal all the more painful, your so eager to get rid of me.
I stood up abruptly, unsure of what to do, feeling the chair crash to the floor behind me in the end I just stood, I clenched my fists and bowed my head, unable to look at him, wondering what I could have done to make him hate me.
"It was decided that the sacrifice would be the eldest son of the Aoyagi family. He is part of the seven moons." The words washed over me, what did I care who he was, all that mattered was that he wasn't Sensei.
"Also.." The pause made me look up, he looked uncomfortable, that same pained look I had seen earlier still present, "Semei wanted to have you." He wanted me? Why? He seemed to be the only one.
"Well he is a very influential person, which is very good for you." Good for me? Staying here would be good for me, staying with Sensei, that is what I most want in the world, Sensei was my master, he was my everything.
"He will become my master, won't he?" My voice was small, broken. His was so calm, but I could still feel meaning in his words, that told me he still cared about me, "Soubi-kun please don't talk that way I can't take it."
If he cared so much why would he do this, I wanted to know, but I couldn't look at him, so I hung my head, letting my hair cover my face, hidden behind a curtain of blond and spoke to him, desperate, urgent "But Sensei! You're giving me away! You want the name to be written! That's your decision!" Each sentence was an accusation and I didn't have to look up to know my words had hurt him.
He sighed, "Either way it's still going to happen." And that was that. Sensei's words where absolute, I let my fists unclench and picked up the fallen chair, shakily I sat down, my eyes still staring at the floor, "I see. I'll wait here like you asked me to. So please let me be alone." Being alone was the last thing I wanted, I wanted to be in his arms safe and happy, would I ever get that chance again?
"Because you are my best student I chose the best possible partner for you." He looked at me with his cold blue eyes, "Your also the cutest student."
"It's true!" I replied, always modest but what I wanted to say next was not going to be easy, "So... I... I always thought that someday you would be the one to write the name."
"I can't. You know I have a fighter of my own already." Is that what you where afraid of? Betraying your fighter? Though I felt sympathy for him, my words came out sharp and harsh, "Even though that fighter is dead?!" I scowled at him.
This time he looked down, hiding beneath a blond curtain "That has nothing to do with the the situation."
He turned, his back to me, "However Aoyagi Semei just might have a second fighter. If that is the case then the decision...."
"Sensei!" I couldn't take this any more, "I understand." Oh I understood, he didn't want me, he never had, all he felt for me was pity. "If he has me then he will become a very unique sacrifice. I know that being blank is just like being a spare for a dead fighter, I've also heard that there are hardly ever two fighers for one sacrifice. But it doesn't matter to me what the name is I will be loyal to whatever name is written." Don't worry, I'll do as I'm told.
A short, but unpleasant silence followed, broken by Sensei, "You know that because you are very smart. But you know being blank isn't always such a bad thing, there are so many possibilities." He made me want to scream.
"Who cares?! You're...you're afraid to write the name aren't you?!" Afraid of betraying your fighter. His voice was quiet but authoritative, "I'm not afraid Soubi."
The door opened, a boy stepped into the room, he was smiling warmly and had a mop of untidy black hair, with ears and tail still in tacked, he didn't look much older than fifteen, "Did you wait long?" He asked "I'm Aoyagi Seimei. Good afternoon." Sensei turned to him a look of slight annoyance on his face, "We're you eavesdropping?"
The boy's expression didn't change as he answered, "Well, I sort of overheard, I got nervous waiting outside the door.
Sensei looked at him oddly, "Aren't you supposed to lie about things like that?"
He turned to me with warm brown eyes and extended his hand, "Come here Soubi, looks like I'll be needing you." I never disobey my master, so I walked towards him and stood directly in front of him, towering over him, he was obviously younger than me and yet he was going to be my master.
I felt him place his hand against my collarbone and ask sweetly, "Shall I put the name here?" His hand felt strange, purely because we had known each other for a few minutes, it felt too intimate. He smiled up at me "It will be just like a necklace." He stroked my check with the same hand he had used before and said softly, "Soubi, I will give my name to you. Don't be afraid of me writing my name." Afraid?! I was terrified once I became 'Beloved', I could never belong to Sensei. "Don't be afraid of me owning you. Don't be afraid of me controlling you." Controlling...yes I want to be controlled.
His face became darker, more serious, "Love can be given up easily. Things such as love and hate can change in an instant. But something like control will last forever." Yes, Seimei control me, so I don't have to remember.... "Your heart, your body, your name and even your soul, I ask that you sacrifice them all to me."
So I turned my back on Sensei, unable to look at him one last time, though I felt his eyes on me, and just let Seimei take my hand and lead me away. His grip was tight as he led me outside into the pleasant summer morning, I let the cold breeze wash over me, through my hair, over my face, in a vain attempt to forget.
He led me into a small cottage, "No one will come here," he said, "So, let's talk." His tone was light, but his eyes had a curious glint in them, it was clear he had no intention of small talk, "What's the relationship between you and Ritsu?" Ritsu? How could he dare call Sensei by his first name?! I gave the answer that Sensei had taught me to give whenever Nagisa Sensei or anyone else for that matter came snooping, "teacher and student."
He looked at me skeptically, obviously disbelieving, "Apparently, this type of information has bot been recorded, but tell me, what was your first impression of Ritsu?" Why was he asking me this? Sensei was the last person I wanted to remember! Besides what a hard question to answer, it was so long ago now....
I had stood in his house, a small child at the time looking up at him, tears streaming down my face saying, "Why won't my mum and dad wake up?! I wanna go home!" He sighed bending down to speak to me, resting his chin on his hand, "Your parents are dead, if you can't understand that , then your a stupid kid."
I looked at Seimei, "I was six when my parents died in an accident, "Ritsu Sensei insulted me. But even so he took care of me, the first impressions we had of each other where terrible."
Seimei looked thoughtful, "That does sound like Ritsu."
He took out a small knife and began to sharpen it as he spoke, "You became such a powerful fighter because Ritsu was so strict, because that's how you where taught. Where there times were he was kind to you?" few times, but whenever he was kind it made me feel so happy, so...complete. "Sometimes...but I was still picked on all the time."
Why was he like that to me? Why did he constantly berate me? The thought filled me with chagrin. "That guy is really screwed up." I couldn't believe I had said that, what made me say it? Remembering..... remembering how Nagisa Sensei reacted, when I left Sensei office, one morning after we.......
Her face was so angry and she looked like a child with her hands on her hips, I thought she was going to scream at me, instead she shouted and ranted, "I don't believe this! Hey you. wait! What happened to your ears?! Your ears! Who is responsible for this?! I can't believe this! Who did something like this to you?!"
She grabbed me roughly by the arm and took me back to Sensei's office, making me wait in the doorway, as she marched in, in a huff just like a cross toddler, "Ritsu! What did you do?! He's only child!" Only a child? Was it that long ago? No more than a year surely? "What you did is just plain disgusting!" Disgusting.....no never, I could never find anything that gave me such pleasure and happiness disgusting.
"Dummy!" How childish "Look at it this way, you're only doing this because you think of Soubi as a replacement for his mother. Right?" What?! What was my mother to him? "If so, then you need to stop this!" Stop what? It only happened once, surely she could see that?
"Is it because you still have feelings for that woman?" What woman?! My mother?! Sensei had feelings for my mother? "Despite the fact that she dumped you!" She....dumped him? Sensei and my mother? Was I really just a substitute for my mother? That really was disgusting!
It was then that Sensei spoke, "I wasn't dumped, we simply decided to stop seeing each other." So there was something between them?! "She and I where merely coworkers." He said as if to answer my thoughts, "Besides that, we didn't see much of each other." Was he telling the truth? I so wanted to believe him.
"You liar!" Screamed Nagisa Sensei, "You seriously creep me out!"
I didn't know what to do as she stormed out of the room, I felt trapped, just like the butterflies that covered Sensei's walls, he called me into the room, pulling me close to him, we where about the same height so our faces where almost touching and I could feel his breath on the face, he put his hand to my cheek, I felt dizzy, "Your face is so similar to your mothers...." he breathed.
He pulled away and gestured for me to sit down, I sat down and glared at him. "I dislike remembering her. She is a very despicable woman." How could he say such things to me?! I barely knew my mother! "My reason for taking your ears was so that you would become my slave." I was always his slave, no matter what he did, or how he treated me. I had no choice. " I feel an attraction to what's inside of, rather than your face." And what was inside of me? A broken heart? "You will become the most powerful fighter." Of course I will, I had the best teacher.
Sensei stroked my face, my hair and said dreamlike "such a beautiful face, such beautiful hair, attracted to what's inside.......you really are the most powerful fighter."
Seimei finished sharpening the knife, I knew what was coming next. Without taking his eyes off the knife, he asked "As for Ritsu, do you love him?" What should I say, I was so confused, so unsure, "I don't know."
"It's not about love and hate. There is no one else." No one else?
"Look into my eyes." He said, I did, into there muddy depths, he frowned, "If you belong to Ritsu. Then your heart, along with your body needs to be overwritten, it would be so much easier if you were to be reborn." Yes reborn, make me yours. "Like a butterfly reborn from a chrysalis." Butterflies....I want to forget, I want to forget about them, pinned down, trapped in glass.
"Have you ever looked into a chrysalis?" He asked, "How a caterpillar's body will dissolve inside of the chrysalis and then the body of a butterfly is created, dissolving and then death..and finally being reborn." Yes, rebirth, that's what I want, to break free of the chrysalis.
He raised the knife to my collar, "Look away." he said. He began unbuttoning my shirt, "Would you like it to hurt? Or would you rather it not hurt?"
"Either way." What did it matter? My heart already hurt, maybe physical pain would lessen the emotional pain. " I think you would like it more if it hurt." Said the sweet angel faced boy, as if he had read my mind, "Pain..." he said "I want it to hurt, I like pain." He sunk in the knife.