New Moon by Stephanie Meyer; Pages 375-376
"Jacob stopped the truck in front of my house, cutting the engine so that it was suddenly silent. Like so many other times, he seemed in tune with my thoughts now.
He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his chest, binding me to him. Again, this felt nice. Almost like being a whole person again.
I thought he would be thinking of Harry, but then he spoke, and his tone was apologetic. 'Sorry. I know you don 't feel exactly the way I do, Bells. I swear I don't mind. I'm just so glad you're okay that I could sing – and that's something no one wants to hear.' He laughed his throaty laugh in my ear.
My breathing kicked up a notch, sanding the walls of my throat.
Wouldn't Edward, indifferent as he might be, want me to be happy as possible under the circumstances? Wouldn't enough friendly emotion linger for him to want that much for me? I thought he would. He wouldn't begrudge me this: giving just a small bit of the love he didn't want to my friend Jacob. After all, it wasn't the same love at all.
Jake pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair.
If I turned my face to the side – if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder…I knew without any doubt exactly what would follow. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight…"
And so I did.
I angled my face slightly to the left and pressed a soft kiss against Jake's shoulder. I heard the breath stop in his chest and felt his muscles lock against me.
"Bella," he choked out.
I dragged my gaze to his face. "I love you, Jake, I do." It didn't matter what kind of love it was. Not tonight at least.
He studied my face silently for a very long time. He hitched a finger beneath my chin and drew me gently upward. He was hesitating, unsure of my sanity, it seemed. Not that I blamed him; I had jumped off a cliff today. And so, I took the plunge for him.
I pressed my lips, fleetingly, against his. He groaned – a mix between pleasure and pain. I wondered how I was hurting him. This was what he wanted, wasn't it?
"Bella," he nearly moaned. "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do." He whispered against my lips.
"I love you," I repeated, attempting to assuage the guilt that was curling around in my stomach.
A ghost of a smile turned the corners of his lips up. "I know you do, Bells. But do you want me? There's a difference."
I thought about that for a minute. Removing Edward from the equation, as he was gone, did I want Jacob? In that way at least?
It was pointless to deny that there was a physical attraction between us anymore. Our bodies were quite aware of each other – especially in this moment. But I had a feeling that that was not the 'want' Jake was referring to.
Did I want him? Maybe. Need him? Absolutely. Was it selfish? Undoubtedly. I decided to tell him the truth.
"Jake, I need you. I can't exist without you…" It wasn't a lie. Not by a long shot.
That seemed to be enough for him because he brought his lips crashing down against mine. My carefully constructed world shattered.
The lips against mine were hot and demanding, not cold and gentle. The heat was everywhere as Jake clawed me closer still – I thought the cab of my truck might combust. I clung to him, winding my fingers into his hair, pulling him closer.
If I could have climbed inside him, I would have. I wanted Jake's heat to burn away the coolness of Edward's lingering kisses, his past touches, his unforgotten caresses.
Jake's fingers traced a path of flame up my spine as he slid his hand beneath the fabric of my shirt. I wanted to tear off my jacket – to have the inferno smoldering in Jacob heat my body to the point of no return.
He pushed against me gently, bending my back in his hands, easing me back onto the seat of my truck. His body followed over top mine.
I tore my lips away from him and turned my face to the side. His kisses dropped to my jaw and neck.
"Not here," I gasped. "Charlie,"
Jake pulled back, panting raggedly. He licked his lips, gazing at my face with the most tender expression. "Where?"
I blinked and shook my head to clear it. "Your house; the garage. Take me home, Jacob,"
He leaned down and kissed me sweetly, holding me around my waist lightly. He'd liked that I referred to his house as home, I could tell.
It was true. My house held too many memories. Jake's was home. Jacob Black was home.
He sat up, pulling me with him, and adjusted himself in the driver's seat before starting the truck; the roar of the engine was almost deafening. He reached around me and flicked the defrosters on high.
"Gotta give it a minute," he murmured with a grin, gesturing at the heavily fogged windows. I blushed down to my toes, and he laughed quietly.
Ignoring my momentary embarrassment, I squirmed myself around until I was settled beside Jacob, the length of our bodies pressed against each other. He flung his arm around me, looking absolutely elated, and I pressed another kiss to his shoulder. He closed his eyes and sighed in contentment.
I brushed my lips across his collarbone, experimenting. He groaned unabashedly. "Bells, if you keep doing that we won't make it to my house." He warned.
I didn't want the spell to break. I was afraid that if I stopped now, I wouldn't be able to continue later. I looked up at him through my lashes and watched the fire burn wildly in his eyes. I leaned in and nipped his shoulder gently with my teeth.
He growled, deeply, the sound rumbling from deep within his chest. He threw the truck in drive and pulled away from the curb, earning a disgruntled series of groans and hisses from my ancient truck. He pushed the petal to the floor.
I think about that night a lot; the night that I gave myself, totally, over to Jacob Black. I sit quietly and relive it, revel in it even, knowing that it was the right decision.
I recall the details with astounding clarity, even all these years later. I remember, exactly, the scent of Jacob's flaming skin pressed so tightly against mine. I can recall the exact sighs and cries of pleasure; the discombobulated murmurs of Jacob's rumbling voice in my ear and my answering gasps.
I swear I can still feel each fervent kiss he pressed against my flesh; their memory is burned into my skin.
It wasn't magical, as perhaps it might have been with Edward, but it was right. It was the way it was supposed to be. There was no awkwardness to it, just an explosive physical passion, fueled by a friendship so deep it could never be broken.
Afterwards as we lay, smashed together, in the backseat of Jacob's Volkswagen, he gazed at me with such adoration – such love – that I finally let go of Edward. There was no way that I could continue to hold on to my Vampire Prince, when the man that held me in his strong arms so obviously loved me to his very core. I knew then, that Jacob could never exist without me and I vowed to myself to never make him try again.
I did love Jacob Black, without a doubt, even if, perhaps, I had loved Edward more. Edward was gone; Jacob was my life.
I never saw Jake so happy as he was those first few months we were together, except, perhaps on our wedding day. He led me around, his fingers twisted gleefully with mine, with so much pride and joy that I thought he might burst.
His joy overshadowed any lingering pain I had hidden away in my heart. If I could do this for him, if I could bring him this much happiness, then I would do so without hesitation.
And so, it was without any reservations that I accepted his proposal the morning of his graduation, after my first year of college. I wore the tiny diamond, set into a thin gold band, with pride.
It was a long engagement. We married three years later, the summer after my college graduation. It was a small, informal affair with our closest friends and family present. Charlie and Billy were thrilled.
I landed a job teaching eighth grade English at Forks Middle school and Jacob and I bought our first home together just three blocks away from Charlie. Six months later, we bought out Dowling's, much to the relief of the town, and renamed it Black's.
Three months after that we found out I was pregnant.
It was early October, and I was seven months pregnant, when I finally saw Edward again.
It was my free period and I was settled at my desk, enjoying the silence of an empty classroom, when I happened to glance out the window. He stood, motionless, at the top of the bleachers that faced our small football field.
I didn't even stop to think, I leapt to my feet and rushed from the building. He was waiting for me, on the ground now, and if he was surprised to see my bulging midsection he didn't show it.
I couldn't speak, I just stared at him dumbly, my heart accelerating as I took in the beauty of him that I'd worked so hard to forget.
"Bella," his voice was velvet and silk.
"Edward," I managed, my voice pitching slightly higher. "How have you been?"
He smiled. "You look beautiful," he murmured. "Many congratulations are in order,"
I smiled and touched my swollen abdomen fleetingly.
"How is everyone? Charlie? Renee?" he intoned, his golden eyes pulling me in.
"Good, good," I muttered.
"And your husband, Jacob?" he asked softly, an undercurrent of something I couldn't place running through the question.
"Jake's good," I answered automatically.
Edward nodded. "How is everyone?" I blurted.
"Excellent," Edward breathed. "Carlisle and Esme are on an extended vacation off the coast of South America. Alice and Jasper are touring Europe. Again. And Rose and Emmett are staying in Denali currently."
I nodded mutely. My heart skipped a beat as I wrestled with emotions that I had banished years ago. Edward glanced around.
"Teaching suits you,"
"Edward, how are you?" I asked again, ignoring his previous statement.
He seemed to be thinking over the answer. He held up his left hand; a gold band encircled his ring finger.
My jaw dropped with an audible pop. I felt my heart tremble, threatening to tear as I warred internally with the insane, and unjustifiable, betrayal I felt.
"Who?" I managed.
"A vampire I met in Italy," he answered vaguely.
I wanted to ask for more details but I knew somehow that he wouldn't provide them. So I stood there and stared at him, drinking in his presence until the bell rang quietly inside the school.
"You have to go, Bella," Edward said gently.
I shook my head, cursing the tears that were gathering in my eyes.
"Yes," he whispered, moving towards me slowly. He took me in his arms very gently, and I melted into his embrace, sobbing against his marble chest. He buried his face in my hair and breathed deeply, his icy breath saturating the strands.
Finally he disentangled himself gently and kissed my forehead softly. "Go, Bella, be happy."
Those words reminded me of the vow I had made to keep Jake happy, and my resolve steeled. I pushed away my memories of Edward, gave him a sad smile, turned, and walked away from him.
The following spring, I would find the ring he'd worn worked into the mud beside the bleachers and I would discern that he had lied.
I would never see Edward Cullen again.
Thankfully, I got home before Jake and I showered thoroughly – shampooing my hair several times to remove Edward's scent. I even went so far as to burn the dress I'd been wearing in the fire pit behind our house.
If Jake ever suspected anything, he never said a word .
Ryan Ephraim Black was born on November 23rd that year.
Hailey Renee Black followed on June 7th, three years later.
Jake stopped phasing a few weeks after Hailey was born when he was twenty-four. He claims that he was so happy, that his life was so complete, that there was no longer enough instability in him to phase anymore. I was nearly twenty-six at the time, and we were able to age together from then on, much to my relief.
Our life together has been good. It has been stable and warm, passionate and loving. I wouldn't – couldn't – trade it for any other outcome.
Ryan and Hailey grew into wonderful adults – smart, kind, loyal people whom both married and are starting families of their own now.
Sometimes, in fleeting moments of weakness, I allow myself to wonder about Edward. I wonder where he is, if he is anymore. I don't dwell on the idea that he may no longer exist, because I'm sure it would drive me mad.
I'm curious as to what his reaction would be seeing me now. Nearing fifty, my brown hair is beginning to show strands of gray. There are crow's feet around my eyes and laugh lines that frame my mouth. My young, shapely, eighteen year old figure has matured and softened with middle age and two children – drooping ever so slightly as the years pass.
Even so, I know he would still think me beautiful.
Jake still loves me fiercely – and I, him. The passion between us burns as brightly as ever, perhaps more so with an empty house again.
And while, yes, sometimes my mind will wander back to Edward I do not regret anything in my life. I lived it to it's fullest potential, and I gave unabridged happiness to my best friend.
The time I spent with Edward is beginning to feel more and more like a dream. It's becoming hazy around the edges; taking on a surreal quality. Perhaps, I did imagine it – and him – perhaps he was just a dream. Perhaps his perfection was a figment of my imagination.
When my mind envisions this, though, I must smile to myself. Edward, my Vampire Prince, was just as real as Jake is. The difference between the two men is simple, and yet complicated – the reason my life turned out the way it has. Though both loved me passionately, and I them, one stayed while the other walked away.
And that, has made all the difference in the world.