The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has joined a focus group. Just one of many ways the gang will keep busy and try to make money while Archer is in yet another coma dream. And let's face it, this team is rather an…
Unfocused Group
"You actually got us a case?" Lana asked Cyril as the remaining member of the Figgis Agency met in the bullpen. (Minus Archer and Mallory of course.)
"It's not exactly a case," Cyril admitted. "More like a consulting gig."
"Consulting?" Ray asked. "On what?"
"Not really sure," Cyril said. "We'll find out when we get to the advertising agency."
"Advertising agency?" Lana realized something. "Cyril what exactly is the job?"
"The Apex Agency is a well-respected advertising agency in LA," Cyril said. "Which has gone through some…Shall we say downsizing in recent weeks."
"They lost their asses in Long Water, didn't they?" Pam asked.
"More like most of their asses," Cyril admitted. "And a few buildings. And their CEO…And a few board members who got arrested. But the good news is that they are rebuilding their agency. And the Figgis Agency will help them with that. For a small fee."
"How exactly are we going to do that?" Lana asked.
"Simply giving our opinions and insights to a few of their clients," Cyril said.
"You mean like a focus group?" Krieger asked.
"No," Cyril paused. "We actually will be a focus group."
"Let me see if I get this straight," Lana blinked. "You hired us out as a focus group? When you know damn well this group is anything but focused!"
"It was the only work I could get, okay?" Cyril snapped. "And it's not like we have anything else to do today!"
"How much?" Pam asked.
"Twenty-five dollars each," Cyril admitted. "But it's only for a couple of hours so…"
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?" Lana shouted.
"I've had lunches at McDonald's that cost more than that," Pam groaned.
"I believe that," Krieger nodded. "Twenty-five smackers huh?"
"Good we can pay for two and a half cups of coffee with that," Ray said sarcastically.
"Twenty-five thousand doesn't sound so bad," Cheryl said.
"Not twenty-five thousand Neck Bird Brain!" Pam said. "Twenty-five dollars. The same amount you tipped that doorman at the club the other day!"
"We're only getting paid in tips?" Cheryl realized.
"Just the tip!" Krieger quipped.
"Phrasing," Ray added.
"Oh, this is going to go well!" Lana groaned.
"I know that twenty-five dollars isn't much!" Cyril went on. "But it's still twenty-five more dollars than you've brought in, Lana!"
"He's got a point," Cheryl admitted.
"But a focus group?" Lana asked.
"Hey! I'm trying Lana!" Cyril snapped. "I'm working my ass off trying to get us jobs and paying the bills any way I can! It's not like I'm just sitting around complaining all the time!"
"But a focus group? Seriously Cyril…" Lana began.
"Would you like to go back to running a drug cartel, Lana?" Cyril asked sarcastically. "Huh? You want to go back to the drug cartel? How about we catch a plane back to San Marcos and try to take it over again? WHAT'S LEFT OF IT!"
"OKAY! I GET IT!" Lana shouted back.
"Give the guy a break Lana," Pam said. "I mean with Archer gone and Ms. Archer not coming in, the man has to do something!"
"Yeah, Lana!" Cheryl said. "Plus, I get to express my opinions!"
"Me too!" Krieger said. "I have lots of opinions!"
"Me too!" Pam said. "I like expressing my opinions whether people want to hear them or not!"
Cyril looked at Lana. "Look I'm not saying that I don't see the flaw in this plan…"
"That's all I'm saying," Lana said. "But we really don't have much of a choice."
"That's all I'm saying," Cyril nodded.
"I can't wait to see what they're going to be saying," Ray quipped.
Two hours later at the Apex Advertising Agency…
"Hello!" A cheerful blonde woman with a bright smile and a pink and white dress chirped. "I'm Trish!"
"And I'm Trip," An equally cheerful dark-haired man with a blue shirt, brown pants and a very big, very white smile greeted the Figgis Agency in a conference room. "And thank you very much for taking time out of your busy schedules to help us!"
"Not like we had anything better to do," Cheryl yawned. "God I'm bored already!"
"Are those teeth fake?" Krieger asked as he pointed to Trip. "They look fake?"
"You got any bear claws here?" Pam asked.
"When do we get paid?" Ray asked.
"How about a drink?" Lana called out.
"Seriously?" Cyril looked at Lana.
"Hey this time I'm just going to enjoy the ride," Lana admitted.
"Phrasing! On my tits! What!" Pam whooped. "But she is right about the drinks. I'll have some scotch if you've got some."
"Uh no," Trip blinked. "Let's start, shall we?"
"Good idea," Ray said. "Sooner we start the sooner we get paid."
"All right here's our first commercial," Trish said. "Let's see what you think of this."
The lights in the room darkened and a monitor on the wall turned on. "Movie time! YAY!" Cheryl cheered.
"Where's the popcorn?" Pam asked.
On the screen was an image of beach. Then some horses ran through the ocean on the beach. Then the horses ran into a garage that was on fire.
"Since when is there a garage on a beach?" Krieger asked.
"Maybe when global warming happens and we get beachfront property in Cleveland?" Pam asked.
"What exactly is this supposed to be selling?" Lana blinked.
"It's probably a perfume commercial," Ray said.
Then the horses turned into a sleek red car. "It's a car commercial," Cyril said.
Then the scene of the car pulled back and it revealed a woman driving the car with long blonde hair. Next to her was a dog. And in the back seat a wedding cake.
"Okay I have no idea what's going on," Cyril blinked.
"This is a very confusing movie," Cheryl blinked. "Is this one of those modern art things?"
"I think this is a whoever wrote this didn't use a script thing," Ray said as the car drove into the sunset.
The words Sunset Life Insurance, Taking You Everywhere came on screen. "That was an insurance commercial?" Lana asked as the lights went on.
"Oh my God," Pam remarked. "I actually miss the cavemen!"
"Me too," Krieger nodded.
"Okay," Trip took out a pen and a clipboard. "Tell us what you thought about that commercial."
"In the words of Jay Sherman," Ray said. "It stinks!"
"Bad, bad, bad…" Lana said.
"It's not a very clear message," Cyril said.
"Yeah we thought so too," Trip sighed as he wrote their comments down. "Full disclosure, the client's brother in law did this commercial and he thinks he's an artist…"
"He's not," Pam said. "You can quote me on that."
"Any other quotes?" Trip asked as he wrote it down on his clipboard.
"Failure, failure, failure!" Cheryl snapped. "And he really botched up his cinematography."
"Totally," Krieger nodded. "I've seen pornos that were better. I've directed anime pornos that were better!"
"He has," Pam said.
"Wait what?" Trish blinked.
"Okay that was just a softball," Trip said. "Let's go to the next commercial, shall we?"
The next commercial was a thin blonde woman wearing neon green underwear and a bright pink bra. "Amore Lingerie…" She said breathlessly as she writhed around on a bed. "Because every woman should look as good as me."
"Lame," Ray rolled his eyes.
"So, what do you think of this ad?" Trish asked.
"I have a problem with this," Pam spoke up.
"Me too," Lana said. "It's sexist!"
"It also doesn't represent women of size," Pam said.
"Or color," Lana said.
"Speaking of colors, the ones she was wearing are just plain tacky," Ray added. "Honestly there was nothing about that ad I liked."
"No surprises there," Cheryl giggled.
"I'd buy them," Cyril said.
"Me too," Krieger added.
"Well then enjoy wearing them," Lana snapped at them.
"I liked it," Cheryl said. "Except for the parts that I didn't. Which was pretty much all of it."
"Okay but would you buy the underwear?" Trish asked.
"Oh god no," Cheryl snorted. "I wouldn't buy that crap for my worst enemies. The fabric falls apart the first time you wash it. And I know at least ten women it's given rashes to. On second thought, maybe I would buy it for my worst enemies?"
Cheryl looked around. "Anybody know what Ms. Archer's size is?"
"Don't get me wrong," Pam spoke up. "I'd rub one out watching that commercial but uh, it wouldn't be a get me off much if you get my drift."
"Wait, what?" Trish did a double take.
"I'm talking about masturbating!" Pam said. "That skinny bitch isn't that appealing. Throw a model with curves up there. With bigger tits!"
"Ooh! YES!" Krieger said.
"I can get behind that," Cyril said.
"Phrasing!" Cheryl whooped. "Oh, I have an idea! What if she was choking a guy? That would be sexy!"
"Wait what?" Trip did a double take.
"And the guy could be wearing leather and a mask…" Cheryl said.
"This ad isn't selling sex!" Trip snapped.
"Who are you kidding?" Cheryl laughed.
"You're not even selling good sex," Pam said. "It's lame Madison Avenue whiter than white bread sex. I mean this sex wouldn't know what to do even with a diagram, a dildo and a box of condoms!"
"You might want to move on," Ray snickered. "Honestly any further discussion of this topic is going to devolve into something really disturbing."
"Let's go to our next product," Trish handed some items out. "This is from Puff! The Fun E-Cigarette People!"
"This is a newly designed e-cigarette and some exciting new flavors," Trip explained.
Pam read some of the flavors aloud. "Kool Mint Cotton Candy. Pink Punch. Wowie Watermelon…?"
"Ewww…" Ray winced. "Whatever happened to simple tar flavor?"
"That's because these products are clearly aimed at children!" Lana snapped.
"No, no!" Trip said. "You're adults. We are clearly showing off these products to adults."
"Who wouldn't be caught dead smoking these god-awful flavors," Ray snapped.
"He's right," Pam said. "Now if these were bear claw or scotch flavored I'd understand…"
"Well there's cherry syrup scotch," Trish said.
"Ewww, no!" Pam frowned.
"And that's her saying it," Ray said. "She's not exactly picky."
"He's right," Pam agreed. "I'm not. But even I have standards!"
"I don't like these toys either," Cheryl picked up one of the holders.
"They're not toys," Trip said.
Cheryl went on. "Marketing toys aimed at selling breakfast cereals and patriotism are one thing. But smoking…?"
"It's not a toy," Trip explained.
"It looks like a toy," Cheryl blinked.
"Well it's not," Trip said. "It's a sophisticated nicotine enhancement device."
"That happens to have googly eyes and a bobbing head on the end of it," Krieger remarked.
"Look I admit I'm a smoker," Ray said. "But even I have to admit marketing to kids is too much!"
"It's not specifically marketed to children," Trip told him.
"Then why is it shaped like a pink unicorn?" Lana pointed out.
"We're trying to appeal to the fantasy market," Trip told her.
Ray looked at him. "You must be living in a fantasy world if you think people are gonna buy that lame excuse!"
Trip thought. "What if we made it black?"
"What if I shove this thing down your throat so far you're gonna be smoking out your ass!" Lana snapped.
"She's not bluffing," Cyril spoke up. "I've seen her do that."
"I'd forgotten about that one St. Patrick's Day party," Pam blinked.
"I have to agree though," Krieger said. "Marketing smoking to kids is pretty lame."
"And this is from a guy who makes LSD gummy bears," Pam pointed out.
"But I don't market them to children!" Krieger snapped. "Just Cheryl!"
"Who has the maturity of a six-year-old," Ray quipped.
"You're not my supervisor!" Cheryl then blew a raspberry.
"Trip, Trish trust me on this," Cyril spoke up. "This group doesn't have that many standards. But this is one of them. And that is saying something."
"Yeah let kids learn about smoking the way we all did," Cheryl snapped. "In the back seat of a guy's car in high school!"
Pam looked at Cheryl. "Me too!"
Ray paused. "Boy's locker room."
"Okay let's just say that this particular idea needs work and we'll have our guys take another crack at it," Trip gulped. "Moving on…"
"Good idea," Lana glared at Trip.
"I told them making the unicorn pink was a bad idea," Trish hissed at Trip.
"Not now," Trip hissed back. "Okay let's go onto our next commercial…"
The next clip showed a brunette twenty something model with very fair skin. "Frown lines getting you down? Try Face Away! The revolutionary new cream that removes wrinkles while moisturizing your skin. And it removes those sagging eye bags. Now added with Prozac so you can smile more!"
"What the hell would that twenty-something bitch know about wrinkles?" Pam called out.
"Who are you trying to kid?" Ray snapped. "That woman needs a wrinkle cream like I need a vagina!"
"Put Betty White up there," Lana agreed. "Then we'll be interested!"
A male lawyer's voice was heard as the female model cavorted on screen. "Warning: do not take Face Away while pregnant, smoking or driving heavy machinery. While using Face Away stay out of bright sunlight as it may cause rashes or burning. Face away has been reported side effects like stomach cramps, face freezing, temporary blindness, slight psychosis and possible fatalities. In extreme cases Face Away may cause rashes, bleeding, nausea, vomiting, exploding kidneys and slight cases of death."
"Did he just say we could die if we take this product?" Cheryl gasped. "Twice?"
"Fatalities and slight cases of death," Krieger recounted. "Yup."
"I think I'd prefer the wrinkles," Lana winced.
Cheryl looked at her. "That explains a lot."
"You know…?" Lana looked at Cheryl.
"You realize you could save all this trouble with just a wet bag of black tea and some cucumbers, right?" Pam spoke up.
"That would cut into our client's profits," Trish said.
"Are you aware the majority of your clients are evil immoral bastards?" Lana asked.
"Yes," Trip said. "But we try not to dwell on it. Let's go to the next clip."
"Whatever happened to beer commercials?" Cyril asked. "Is it just me or…?"
"No, you're right!" Pam said. "I remember beer commercials were fun and happy and full of parties. Nowadays you have a ton of medicine commercials where you could die just by taking the medicine to cure you!"
"Like all those stupid commercials for your bladder," Cheryl spoke up. "I mean kidney failure? Internal bleeding? Nausea? More possible deaths? Wouldn't it just be safer to just know where all the bathrooms are?"
"Bring back beer commercials!" Krieger snapped.
"And while you're at it, bring us some beer!" Pam added. "We want beer!"
"We want beer!" Krieger added.
"We want beer!" Pam, Cheryl and Krieger started to chant. "We want beer! We want beer!"
"What the hell?" Ray smirked. "We want beer! We want beer!"
"We want beer!" Lana and Cyril joined in. "We want beer!"
"Uh, Trip what do we do?" Trish asked as the Figgis Agency chanted.
"I don't know!" Trip gulped as they kept chanting. "They didn't tell us about this in business school!"
"We want beer! We want beer!" The Figgis Agency chanted and hit the table at the same time in a beat. "We want beer! We want beer! We want beer!"
"Uh, uh…" Trip looked very nervous.
"We want beer! We want beer! We want beer!" The Figgis Agency chanted.
"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF…." A male voice was heard. "CAN'T YOU IDIOTS DO ANYTHING OFF SCRIPT? JUST GO TO THE EMPLOYEE LOUNGE AND GET SOME BEER OUT OF THE FRIDGE!"
"I'm hearing voices again!" Cheryl screamed as she looked around. "I'm hearing voices again!"
"Oh, for the love of…?" Lana turned around and noticed a large rectangular mirror in the room. "Did we just fall for the stupid two-way mirror trick?"
"Honestly I didn't even notice," Pam said. "HEY! WE WANT A DRINK AND WE WANT IT NOW!"
"And while you're at it," Lana spoke up. "How about some ads that real people will want to watch?"
"I like those Bulls-Eye Market ads," Cyril suggested. "Those are good!"
"And the best part about them is that they only last a couple of weeks," Ray said. "Once you've seen them, they're on to the next one!"
"Do you have any ads dealing with pig grooming?" Krieger called out. "Or any type of lab animal supply services?"
"How about escort services?" Pam called out.
"How about escort services for gay men?" Ray asked. "And are they hiring? I'm seriously asking."
"What about ads for elevator repair?" Cyril asked.
"Elevator repair ads?" Lana asked.
"Why not?" Cyril asked. "They have ads for car repair, truck repair, washing machine repairs, home repairs…"
"But elevators?" Ray asked.
"Property owners and landlords are people too!" Cyril snapped. "They need those kinds of services! Why not?"
"Where the hell did you find these freaks Trip?" The voice shouted.
"STOP CALLING ME A FREAK STUPID VOICE!" Cheryl stood up and grabbed a chair. "YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" She then proceeded to use the chair to attack the mirror.
"Stop! Hey!" Trip shouted.
"LADY DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THESE MIRRORS COST?" The voice shouted. "Somebody stop her!"
"Uh…" Trip and Trish looked at each other.
"OH MY GOD! I HAVE MORONS ON MY PAYROLL!" The voice shouted.
"Welcome to my world!" Cyril called out.
Ten minutes later…
"And that's how we got thrown out of an advertising agency," Lana remarked as the gang left the building.
"It wouldn't have been so bad if Cheryl didn't bite Trip," Ray said.
"He, he, he…" Cheryl giggled. "He tasted like fear. And fear is my bacon bits."
"Well," Cyril sighed. "We didn't get our money."
"Or a beer," Pam added.
"Big whoop," Ray waved. "I'd rather spend twenty-five dollars at a bar than make it listening to those idiots one more minute."
"Hear, hear," Pam said. "And now for a beer, beer!"
"Honestly it was worth blowing the twenty-five dollars just to trash those assholes," Lana admitted.
"But something good did happen," Cheryl said. "We found our moral limits!"
"I know," Pam said. "I'm just as surprised as you are."
"As bad as we are," Krieger remarked. "At least we're not in advertising."
"That's true," Cyril nodded. "We have some pride."
"Exactly," Pam said. "Let's have a Glengoolie Blue! Glengoolie Blue! For the best of times! Or how about some KFC to wash it down?"
Everyone looked at Pam. "What?" Pam asked.