Here I am, faithful fans. The one. The only. Bernie Cosma (AKA) Papa Cosma, Bernard Cosma, Mr. Berns, on and on and on..

[Dramatic music}

Alright, I know you all think I'm a fly.

But I'm not, because, if I was a fly, I wouldn't be typing on the computer right now.

I'd be like: "Buzzzzz, Buzzz, why can't I hit this stupid key, darn it.''

But I'm here. So let's talk.-Er, type.

I'm currently on a desert island, I know what you're thinking, "Yeah right, Bernie, then how would you have gotten a computer?"

Well, this is a habitable island.

With people.

Which means I can't use magic, except in emergencies.

So this is what happened:

After my son Cosmo, thank you kiddo, what a way to say 'I love you' to your caring and considerate father, eh? turned me into a stupid fly, I flew off and reformed in Fairy world. It wasn't permanent. Anyhoo, I ended up in the wrong street, ya know, where the druggies and religious fairies are.

"Usted es un espia!"

I was like, WHAT? I don't understand your language, sir.

"Conseguir que!"

I was like, O-okay, I'm just gonna go now.

But then they tied me up and threw me in a butterfly net.

So then the big guy says, "You no speak Spanish?"

I'm like, Uh, NO.

"You are spying on us. You are telling police where we are and shut down drug operation. Thus, you must be disposed of."

Whoa whoa whoa, buddy. I just got turned into a fly by my own KID, and now when I DO reform, you're gonna kill me? Or...

"Sorry, must be done. We have kids, you know."

So they threw me into the gosh dang ocean. Wet wings, no fly. But here I got very offended. The shark swam by me but didn't eat me!

C'mon, buddy, just put me outta my misery. I'm starving. I'm wet. I'm cold. And my wife is with the kids alone. Just put me outta my misery.

Nope.

So after like 16 days drifting on the ocean, a freaking dolphin swims up and SAYS, "Need-a-ride-I-can-give-you-one-no-extra-cost-okay?"

By golly, I've really lost it now. Maybe I'm dead already and this is my punishment for swearing all those times.

Anyway, so the dolphin laughs and says, "You're-still-alive-don't-worry-I-will-get-you-someplace-warm-and-dry."

I'm like, Listen, I know this is a dream, but while I'm here, I'm all for it.

So he (Or she) rides me to this island. The people here have really dark skin. So I say, Hi peeps.

And the guy wearing all the garb says, "He is a God!"

Nope, I'm just a fa- whoops, I mean I'm just a short costume-wearing green-haired guy, nothing unusual here. Nope.

So anyway, how I got the computer: I say, Oberan, get me a computer. It has lights. And make some connection, will ya? I'm bored here, and I need to update my kids.

And they're all like "A what?"

And I say, A computer. Looks like a box. Makes noises. PC. DVD-ROM. Has Pac-man.

And they just stare at me.

Okay, like this. So I poof up a computer.

"He truly is a god!"

Hey, what can I say. It comes naturally to me.

So yeah, that's why I'm typing on here.

It ain't so bad.

Not really.

Anyway, it's time to eat, so I'll see y'all later! Bye!