Matchmaking Ichimaru Style
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Ichimaru was bored. They had caught up with all the work and for once there didn't seem to be new work coming. He was bored and Ichimaru plus boredom was a receipy for disaster, "Izuru," he said all of a sudden to his subordinate, they were sitting in the large main office which contained a desk for himself and his loyal subordinate.
"Yes, Captain?" asked Kira, looking up from a report he didn't really need to read but was just to keep busy.
"I've been think'n," said Ichimaru, "Ya need a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a sheep, whatever turns ya on but ya need someth'n."
"Wha... what?" demanded Kira.
"Ya need someone ta hug," said Ichimaru as he flash stepped behind Kira and hugged him from behind, resting his head on his vice-captain's shoulder as the said vice-captain went rigid in shock, "Everyone should have someone ta hug... except Tosen-san, he can just die alone. Me? I got Rangiku," he let go of Kira and started walking around the office with a dazed look on his face, "She's so soft, so warm, so fun ta hug and cuddle with. There's noth'n like be'n able to curl up with 'er on a cold winter night. Of course," next moment Kira found himself press against the well with Shinsou pressed against his throat, "If ya tell anyone Rangiku is my lover, I'll have ta kill ya. Cause if word got out, everyone but Cap'n eight will be too afraid ta hangout with Rangiku and that means I'll have ta buy 'er all 'er sake. I'll go broke if I have ta do that!" He withdrew Shinsou and Kira started breathing again, "Course, feel free ta drop a few hints ta Hisagi. If he keeps looking at Rangiku like a damn leecher, I'll really have ta kill 'im."
"So," he said as he fully opened is eyes to take in the sight of his Vice-captain, "What ya want, Izuru? Girls, boys or a sheep?"
"Captain!" cried Kira, "That's really none of your..."
"How about a goat?" interrupted Ichimaru, "Ya like goats?"
Kira broke down, hanging his head and fighting back a sob he whispered, "Girls, girls will be just fine."
"Any particular girl ya have yer eye on, Izuru?" asked Ichimaru.
Kira mumbled something. Silence. The next moment Ichimaru had jumped back away from Kira as far as the room would allow, exclaiming, "Soifon! Ya like Soifon!" Kira blushed, "Why 'er of all people?" demanded Ichimaru.
"She's kind of fragile underneath it all," replied Kira, not meeting his captain's eyes, "She's pretty, strong, determine, honourable and her skin smells like honey..."
"Ya are a masochist!" cried Ichimaru, "Well, no help'n it then. If Cap'n two is who ya want, cap'n two is who ya well get. Leave everything ta me, Izuru and try not ta get killed," with that Ichimaru left the room, leaving behind a distressed Kira who wondered what mischief his captain was about to wreck on him and the unsuspecting Captain Soifon.
"Cap'n two!" called Ichimaru cheerful as he slipped into her room, "Ya look radiant today."
"Whatever you want, you can't have it," replied Soifon, not even looking up from her work.
"Ya mean I can't have ya?" asked Ichimaru, slithering up to her and getting in close enough for his breath to tickler her ears, "I'm hurt!"
"Damn it, Ichimaru! Do you have no concept of personal space!" she demanded as she was forced to leave her chair and move away.
"Course I do," replied Ichimaru cheerfully, "That's why it's so fun invading 'im."
"What do you want?" demanded Soifon in an irritated voice.
"Joint train'n, yer squad, my squad and cap'n eleven's," said Ichimaru, "Everyone has too much time and I don' want my men gett'n lazy."
"... you actually were here for work?" asked Soifon, surprised, "That was unexpected."
"A bit for work, a bit for pleasure but mostly ta flirt with ya," replied Ichimaru.
"Do you wish to be stung to death, Ichimaru?" demanded Soifon.
"I don' know, ya gonna let me feel ya up before ya do that?" wondered Ichimaru.
"Argh! Go away Ichimaru!" cried Soifon.
"About those joint train'n exercises?" wondered Ichimaru.
"Fine, fine!" she replied.
"Great! Oh, jus' one more th'n. Could ya train with Izuru? I want 'em ta get more experience fight'n Cap'n level shinigami," said Ichimaru with a broad, broad grin, "Ya never know when someth'n like that will come in handy."
"Whatever, now leave my office! I have work to do!" said Soifon. Ichimaru left feeling utterly pleased with himself. Phase one of his plan to unite the hornet and the blond was complete! Time for phase two!
Author's note: I am completely and utterly sleep deprived and I this is what my mind came up with. I don't expect anyone to read this but if you have gotten to this far, thanks for looking in. No I don't expect you to stick to a end.