The End in Pain
Spoilers: In addition to First Date, which this fic is based on. and The Killer In Me, the story also has specific references to Never Leave Me, Sleeper, Same Time Same Place, As You Were, Intervention, New Moon Rising, The I in Team, Hush, Graduation Day part 2, Becoming Part 2, What's My Line part 2 and Teachers Pet.
Buffy and Spike are down in the shut down facilities of the Initiative. Buffy has just killed the monster which attacked them, and is, deeply worried, bowing down over Spike, who lies still on the floor. "Are you still with us?" He gives her a tired look, and whispers "Yes" barely audible. "Good. That guy was quite a surprise. Didn't expect anything to survive down here. We need to move on. Are you fit to walk?" Spike sighs and uses his arms to lift himself up from the floor. "I think so"
They walk on, through the one dilapidated room after the other, the smell of old dust and rottening demon flesh tormenting their nostrils. Their progress is slowed down by Spike stopping up, grabbing his head, and trying not to scream whenever the chip fires again. Time goes by, and they seem no closer to finding the medical lab. Buffy kicks a piece of junk on the floor, and swears. "Why the hell did they have to make this place so damn huge? We're never gonna find what we're looking for like this!"
"Not with me slowing you down anyhow" Spike stumbles over to a corner of their current room, and sits down. "You could check out the area a lot faster alone, not having to wait out every seizure." "What? No! I'm not leaving you here! What if there is another monster alive around here?" "Then I'll handle it! In between the jolts I'm still monster enough to tackle anyone!" He looks up at her, and gives her a wry smile. Then sighs and looks down. "I'm sorry. I thought I knew this place from last time. Thought I could remember where things were…" "Well, from your somewhat reluctant report of the experience back then, I gathered that you didn't actually see much. Just the containing area, the hallways and an air vent. It's OK. I'll run around here till I find what you need. Just stay put."
After about an hour, Buffy's storming back into the room, carrying a white plastic bag. "I found it! Both the med lab and the documentation center. But they had taken pretty much everything with them. All the filing cabinets were empty. And this was the only stuff I could find that looked like tranquillizers." She bows down into her bag, and picks out some flasks and syringes. "Great." Spike takes them from her, and starts preparing for injection. Buffy objects. "From what the labels say that's pretty heavy stuff, that will knock you out completely. Maybe we should go home first and back to bed?" Spike looks up from the medical preparations for a second, and give her a sad smile. "Sorry love, but walking home isn't an option anyway. Since the chip has gone to work on frying my brain extra crispy, I can't move my legs anymore."
Buffy carries anaesthetized Spike home, and tucks him into his cot in the basement. Then she hears someone walking upstairs, and goes up to check it. "Willow!" she sighs in relief and runs over to give her a hug. "It's you! The non-Warren you. You made it!" "No actually, I screwed up. Kennedy made it." "How?" Willows smiles and shy away from her. "Big messy story… how about you? Did you find what you were looking for? Did… have Riley called you back?" "No, not yet. But you know how it is… those military guys. I'm sure he'll call as
quickly as he's able to." Buffy takes a deep breath, and shudders slightly before giving Willow a wry smile. "Assuming that the number he gave me wasn't actually to a flower shop."
The next day at work, Buffy has trouble paying enough attention to the students coming to talk to her. She tries smiling, looking at them and nod at about the right places in their stories, but still don't manage to give the impression that they have her full and undivided attention. Deciding that she's better off doing something more useful than hurting vulnerable kids even more, she leaves her office to do a little investigation instead, into what principal Wood is really all about, since they found him down in the basement with a shovel.
She walks into his office, looking around and leafing through the file folders on his desk. "Now, if I were a sign of being evil, where would I … be?" She spots the double door closet on the wall, and walks up to it, just as Wood comes in the door. "Buffy?" "Oh. Principal Wood. It's you!" Oh great! Spotted. Way to go Buffy! Very stealthy. "Are you looking for something?" Think of something, a bit fast. What could I be going in here for ? "File folders." No, not the smartest. Don't want him to think I'm here to sneak a peek at confidential information. "And mechanical pencils. I wanna write on a file folder with a mechanical pencil" Wood gives her a look. "The supply cabinet in the outer office has those things" Obviously… shit! "So this isn't a supply cabinet? My bad! Ok. Thanks!" He looks down for a moment, and then walks up towards her and start speaking. Oh, god. What's he gonna say. How bad is this? "Um… What are you doing tonight?" What?"Where is this going? When does the scolding come? Ok. Come up with something work-dedicated "preparing for tomorrows counseling cessions" "No, really?" Buffy breathes out, and relaxes a bit. "Watching a reality show about a millionaire." "Well, then… I'd like to take you out to dinner, if that's all right with you"
"Dinner. That sounds nice. I like dinner… But I can't. You see, I have a sick friend at home, who needs nursing. I think I need to get back to him." Wood frowns and gives her a look. "Him?" "Yes. But… it's nothing like that… like I said, a friend. Just a friend. A friend who is sick." She starts noticing that she is talking a tad too fast. Wood gets a queasy expression in his face while hearing her ramble. "You don't have to come. I'm certainly not saying come to dinner if you enjoy having a job." He giggles nervously. "If you have more pressing business, I certainly understand that." She smiles, and walks a step closer to him. "It's not that I don't want to. I'm sure dinner would have been great… now is just not the time."
Buffy finishes work, and comes home, going straight to the basement to check on Spike. "Hey… you're awake. Had a good days sleep?" He looks at her and smiles. "Yes" then clenches his teeth, and trembles through another seizure before adding "until the tranquillizers wore off." Buffy looks at him in deep concern, and sits down at the edge of the bed. "Then why haven't you taken more? They're right here." She nods to the night table put in for the purpose, where one last dose of drugs is lying. "Tried to" he replies "But it's no go anymore. It has zapped my arms too." Buffy gasps, and shakes her head, resting her eyes on his right arm, hanging down along the side of the bed. She takes it up, feeling it lying cold and limp in hers, and folds it over his covers. "We'll find help!" she says, with desperate determination in her voice. "I'll call again. Not give in until they send someone to fix this." "Yeah, go ahead. Pester the innocent flower salesman until he sends a full chip removal squad. Good luck!"
"You got a better idea?" Buffy snaps, so not in the mood for his sarcasms right now. "Could you at least give me another shot before you go?" he casts a pleading look towards the night
table. She walks over there, and fills the drug into a syringe. Then bows over him, spending some time looking for the best place to inject it. Spike is growing more and more impatient. "The next fit can come any moment. I would really appreciate not to be here when it does." "I'm sorry. I'm just trying to find a good vein." Spike shoots her a look and snorts at her. "Hello! Vampire. Not big with the blood circulation! Just GET IT IN!"
Just as she does, Dawn comes down, and takes in the scenario. Spike closes his eyes and sinks back into slumber land. "So, how is he?" Dawn asks, looking at Buffy, who shakes her head and sighs. "Paralyzed, from the neck down." "Ooh…" Dawn walks over to the bed, and grabs Spikes arm, lifting it up, and putting the fingers in the same position as hers was in paralysis a few months earlier. Then she lets go, and it falls back down to the linen. "Damn, not mouldable." Buffy looks at her with eyes flashing fire "is that all you think about?!" she snaps, "Fun and games with a cripple?" "sorry" Dawn winces in surprise. "Didn't think that was such a big deal to you. You guys did it to me, remember? When Gnarl got to me." Buffy breathes out, and blushes with embarrassment. "You're right. I just… wish there was a demon behind this too. Slay a beast, solve the problem. I'm good at that."
Buffy is sitting in the living room couch watching Willow folding laundry. Willow is doing her best to comfort Buffy. "I'm sure help is on the way. Riley must have got the message by now." "He must, right?" Buffy is clearly doing what she can to convince herself that that is so. "But, if he has got the message, what's taken so long? Why isn't he here already?" Willow gives her a sympathetic look and a shrug. Buffy goes on "Do you think he's holding a grudge against me? Or at least against Spike? He did after all find us in bed together the last time we saw him… and made it rather too clear to me that it was part of his mission to stake him…" Willow puts down her laundry, walks over and grabs Buffy's hands, while giving her a firm look. "But he didn't. And have you forgotten all that he said to you after asking that question? He loves you Buffy. No matter what. And he's married now. To a wonderful wife. So he doesn't have any reason to go all jealous and petty."
At that moment, Xander comes in the door, beaming. "Guess what!" The girls look up at him. "What?" "I got a date!" Willow gets up and walks up to him. "Xander! That's great! Congratulations! How?" Xander smiles, and is clearly proud of himself. "I met her at the hardware store, she has a kayak. We're going out for coffee." "great" Buffy mumbles from the couch. "At least someone's got a functional love life" Xander gives her a look of complete puzzlement, and tries to reply. "Oh. I don't know. With my track record she's probably evil." Willow smiles and shakes her head "no." "Well, she's interested in me, so there's probably a good chance."
Giles and Chao Ahn come in, and have their talk about the mall, language barrier and lactose intolerance. The Scoobies pause their date chat until they have gone up the stairs. Then Willow asks "Do you want me to run a computer check on this girl, find out more about who she really is?" "No. I'm going in blind. I'm gonna be an optimist about this. Why go looking for trouble? If its gonna find you, it's gonna find you"
And in the kitchen, Trouble, in the form of the First, have just found Andrew. They have their "kill the girls" conversation, Andrew is freaked out by the encounter, torn between his guilt, need to be redeemed and need to get a place in the Scooby gang on the one side, and his need for safety, protection by the biggest bully in the playground and an easy way out on the other. After a while of trying in vain to gather himself, he walks to the living room, peaking and listening in on what's going on there.
Anya has just finished freaking Willow, Kennedy, Dawn and Amanda out about the bloody educational drawings Giles has made for Chao Ahn, and is now complaining about Xander's date. "Xander's out with some hardware store whore…" Andrew looks around at them, at Amanda and Kennedy. Ok. Just kill the girls. With the gun. No stabbing. That shouldn't be too difficult. "Xander has a date??" Giles' shock is apparent in his voice. "Yeah" Anya whines. "He's on his way there right now. By the end of it they'll probably be making out even worse than Willow is with this girl" "hey" Kennedy snaps, catching the insult. Giles shakes his head and make roll eyes in disbelief. "For Gods sake, how can anyone think about their social life? We are about to fight the original primal evil. These girls are in mortal danger!" Andrew winces behind the door. Yes, they are, and the danger threatening them right now is me. Oh no. I don't want to!! "Didn't you see the flash cards?" Giles goes on. "This isn't right!" no, it isn't. It really isn't. I can't do this. I need help!!
He takes a deep breath and walks in, just as Giles storms out in frustration, apparently headed for the bathroom, to try to get Chao Ahn to come out and calm down after seeing the flash cards. "Andrew", Willow looks up at him. "What do you want?" "I… I was approached by the First, and it wants me to be evil. I don't know what to do. Help me!" "Hmm. you were approached by the First, who tried to recruit you? That gives me an idea… do you think you're up to going undercover?"
They try to pull the wire-stunt on the First, and find that it doesn't work. But while the others are fussing about the fiasco, Buffy feels that this is hardly a concern at all compared to the chip-problem she has been trying to solve for days. She goes down in the basement, and finds that Spike has awakened again. He gives her a tired smile. "Hey. What's going on up there?" Buffy shrugs, sighs and starts explaining. "The First approached Andrew. Willow had this idea that we could have him meet it again with a wire, so we could learn more about it. It didn't work." "You tried to record the ultimate evil?" Spike gives her a puzzled how could you be so stupid stare. "Why? In a complex effort to royally piss it off?" Buffy laughs. "That's what came out of it anyhow… but how are you? Is there anything I can do for you?" Spike shakes his head, with resigned pain all over his face. "No. I don't think so. The one thing I really want at this point, I know you wouldn't give me." "Of course I would!" Buffy insists, almost insulted. "Just name it!" Spike stares at her, tentatively, for a long time, making Buffy more and more impatient. Then he sighs, and speaks out. "Please kill me".
"What?!" Buffy gasps, quickly rousing herself to a frenzy "oh, NO! Don't you dare give up like that now. Help will come. You will be well again. Everything is gonna be ok!" Spike smiles at her, and looks calmly into her eyes. "I appreciate all that you are trying to do to solve this. I really do. But let's face it. Its' been days, with no response from the soldiers. They're not coming. And in the mean time, the chip is eating away at my brain. It has already got the motion centre crispy fried, and will probably soon move on to speech, thinking ability, memory etc, until it makes my head explode, and leaves your blankets all dusty." She tries to interrupt but he won't let her. "Please. Let me finish. I have been thinking a great deal about this. There's nothing left, Buffy. No chance of getting anything more done. And no pain killers left either. Except the final, dusty, one. I have lived for ever, seen everything, had more experiences than most others. I'm ready to go now. Please help me."
Buffy shakes her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. "You may be. But what about me? I'm not ready for you to not be here!" At this statement, Spikes eyes goes glossy with tears too. He gives her a long warm and sore gaze. Then he pulls himself together enough to reply. "I'm so sorry. I never wish to hurt you. You know that! But this is the end anyway. I'm a
warrior Buffy. Helplessly corroding away in my bed, in a world of pain, wasn't the way I pictured myself going out. I may be cowardly, selfish and vain at this, but I want a more dignified death. I want to be slain."
Buffy is dumbstruck at this speech, gasps, shakes her head and cries. Stares at him, and takes a few steps back. "I need some time to think about this" She turns, rushes up the stairs, and locks herself in the bathroom. There, she sits down, and tries to sort out the mess in her head. Spike's request was clearly preposterous. Riley will get the message, and send help! But hadn't she been thinking herself the very same thoughts which he presented? That no one would come… that if help was on its way, it would have been here by now? That this is the end. And then, didn't he deserve a better send off than this? A quick way to end the pain… But could she? She wraps her arms around her head and sobs. Why? Why did such things always have to happen to her? Memories are floating up about killing Angel. With all the pain that followed. Couldn't she please have a boyfriend she didn't have to kill? Well, she was never forced to kill Riley. But right now she wanted to.
She sighs deeply, braces herself and gets out into the living room, to her weapons trunk to collect a stake. Then she returns to the basement. Spike sees the stake in her hand, and sighs in relief. "thank you!" she sits down next to the bed, and grabs his limp hand from under the cover, holding tightly on to it for a moment, stroking the fingers, before she lets go, says "good bye" and raises her stake.
"Buffy!" Willow pokes her head in, and rushes to tell the news she has. "I just got a call from the military guys. They're on their way. Will get here any moment!" Buffy lowers her stake, and she and Spike stare at each other in baffled surprise. "Great!" Buffy responds to Willow. "Then I'll be here waiting until they come." "No, you can't. I got a message from Xander too. I'm not sure, but I think it means he's in trouble." "Damn! Ok. You stay here. Make sure they get that damned thing out! I'll go save the day again." "Good luck. I'm sure Giles can drive you."