Set after 'Life Support', Jessi decides to leave the Tragers' so as not to burden the family and Kyle. She decides to make the big gesture of giving Kyle up and a family that could have been, just so he can be happy. Pairing Jessi/OC & Kessi(?).

UN-HINGED

Chapter One: Burden Letter

Kyle & Trager Family...

By the time you read this, I will be gone. I have set the house back into accordance before I first moved in. It's all right Kyle, no need to panic. I went on my own freewill and do hope the rest of my life will be like that.

I should also tell you Kyle that I learned a new trick, a trick that officially breaks our 'connection'. Do you feel that emptiness? Don't worry, I felt that too, then I realised it's just me now, no Kyle around to see, and hear my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams. See I told you I am the smarter one.

Anyway, you should probably know a couple of things first. Since you chose Amanda and seems you always will, I told and showed her what we really are. No, no don't get mad, if she is who you says she is, your soul mate, then Kyle I did you a favour.

She didn't believe me at first, ranting and raving for me to get out of her house. But I brought her around. I told her what really happened on prom night and about the electric kiss. I told her even though I believe that you and I are meant to be, you didn't think so.

I guess I can happily say I'm over it, over this thing that I only see and feel. Well ok, I may not be happy or thrilled but I'm alright with it, I guess. And the funny thing is I know I'm gonna be alright. Well anyway you won't be surprised when Amanda does come over tonight asking about you not telling her the truth. See from my perspective you say you wanted to keep her safe, but you always knew Latnok would take her to get to you.

That's what I don't get, the fact that you love her so much and being with her puts her in danger and then you have to go save her. It's tiring really these catch 22's that you put yourself in. You should have told her so at least she was aware of the danger posed to her on dating you.

Well she knows now, and you'll be happy about that which is all I really ask of you. To be happy and live your life. Your probably also wondering 'why now?' well that's simple really and because it's so simple I have ripped a page out of my journal for you. Maybe now I can be happy too.

...I watch them gather around Kyle and hug him as he tells his family that Nicole will be alright. It's a perfect sight to see. The relief, the happiness, the trust, the love. It exudes out of Lori, Josh, and Stephen. I stand here and watch, watch a family that I had the hope of maybe someday becoming a part of.

But I see now, I see what possibly could never be. I'm not like them, and I'm not like him either. I'm not good, not in the sense that Kyle is, that the Tragers' are. I see the burden that I have put on the people around me. I see the dissatisfaction of Lori and Josh when they look at me.

The knowing that I am the same as Kyle, but entirely different. I see that I am like a tool, a tool created so some other person may wield me, distort me, and use me. I can even see it now, with this maybe not so perfect family, I am their outlet, their scapegoat.

I look at Lori and see the girl who thought I ratted her out to her father. I was the one so conveniently placed so that her anger and resentment could be thrust upon me so she could feel righteous.

I look to Josh and see the guy who so willingly wanted my company to raise money for Andy's prom. The one who wanted to use me, my abilities to get what he wanted. Before I didn't mind, because I like Andy, I'd like to think we're sort of friends. But being moved into the Trager household shows a side of people that you don't normally see.

Walking away from their family, down the hospital corridor to the elevator I think of Nicole. I understand that she is a good person that she tries to help the ones in need. Like Kyle. Like me. I am an outlet for her as well, for her work.

I am a case study for her need to monopolize her time with, a need that is never quite fulfilled within her. I don't begrudge her that however, I feel her need to psycho-analyse everything about everybody, about me unwarranted. I don't want or need to talk about myself, about my life, about my ambitions to someone whom I respect a great deal.

It's funny because Stephen was, besides Kyle, with whom I connected most with. I guess all our scrabble matches gave him an insight to my thoughts and feelings. I have to say he got me the most, more than Kyle ever did. The way I am, what it's been like for me, I guess he was the only one to present me, metaphorically of course, with the proverbial clean slate.

I'm going to take it, take it and run because how can you start over when everyone around you is throwing it back in your face? You can't, so you've got to move on, move away from the people that matter, the people that maybe in time you can reconcile yourself with.

I only ever wanted to be loved, but none of these good people see it, see me, see my desperation. My need is so intense; the need for acceptance is practically suffocating me. To me I equate having a family as being loved, people to throw ideas at, to hug and to laugh with.

I used to envision them, the Tragers' as my family. But not anymore, not now. I see that now, I see that being thrown into this family like a whirlwind is not good, not good for any of us. I still need to learn, to grow, and I won't be able to with them.

I'm gonna pack up my things and leave, not because I don't want to stay, but for my need, my need to care of what I think of myself. Not what everyone else thinks because I know what they think and feel. In my mind's eye I am a candle with a flickering flame, and soon it will distinguish if I stay here a moments' longer. The burden, the misery, the constant feeling of inadequacy and I'm tired of feeling it from nearly everyone, I will no longer be that person, their burden...

I'm giving you this letter as it explains more than I ever could and in so doing that, you Kyle, wouldn't be able to talk me out of it. Let's face it; you're the only one who ever could.

Goodbye Kyle & Trager family I wish you well and good luck.

Jessi XX

This is my first fanfic, reviews are welcome. Just to let everyone know, this story will be following the life of Jessi. I do not own these characters, just indulging myself of what I would like to happen. Anyone who's a Kyle/Amanda fan (I'm not), so don't expect too much because I want it to be Jessi/Kyle, but I don't know if the new characters I will introduce will change my mind.

xo ash