Started: July 19, 2002
Finished: July 20, 2002
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or the show. If I did I would write myself in as Pete's new love interest and Chloe's new best friend! Oh, and I would kill off Lana!
Rant: Round 2
Author's Note 1: This story is for Kat (FindMe). You wanted another Rant, here it is! Enjoy!!
Author's Note 2: This is to be taken all in good fun. Not to be taken seriously! If you don't want to read a fic making fun of the cliches of Pete, Lana, Clark, Chloe, and Lex.leave now! Do not flame me, as you have been warned!!
By the time Lana had gotten to Clark's loft she was out of breath. She stood at the top of the stairs, her hands on her knees to support herself.
Clark crossed to her quickly. "Lana, what is it?!"
Lana looked up at Clark, panting. "My parents *gasp* they're *gasp* dead!"
A look of utter horror crossed Clark's face. "I did it. It's all my fault. I killed your parents."
"My parents are dead?!" Lana said, her face twisting in agony. She began to cry as she flung herself face down on the couch. :Why didn't anyone tell me?!"
"What have I done?" Clark wailed. "I've hurt so many people. If it weren't for me your parents would be alive!"
Lana sat up straight as a board. "My- My parents- They're- They're dead? Oh, my world is over!"
"Lana, I'm so sorry. How can I ever repay you?" Clark asked, throwing his arms up in despair.
"Repay me for what?" Lana asked standing up and emitting a saccharine smile.
"For killing your parents," Clark replied, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
"My parents are DEAD?!?" Lana screamed, once again hurling herself onto the couch.
"All because of me," Clark wailed, speeding from the barn.
* * *
Meanwhile at the Talon.
Looking around the room Lex noticed Chloe. She was typing furiously on her laptop. Crossing the room quickly Lex went to stand beside her.
Chloe looked up at Lex in surprise. The surprise soon turned to pleasure. "Hi, Lex! I'm researching a new meteor theory. I was just about to call you to ask you some questions."
Lex absently rubbed his head. "The meteors. They did this to me," he said bitterly.
Chloe gestured to the seat across from herself. "Let's talk about this, Lex."
Lex sat and put his head into his hands. "I wasn't like this before those meteors came here. It's all their fault."
"You know, that was my theory," Chloe said, typing away at her laptop. "Tell me more. I need all the facts."
"Well, first the meteors came. Then I- Then I- Then I was bald," Lex said, the last word coming out a whisper.
"That's what I thought," Chloe said, nodding thoughtfully. "What else?"
"Well, after the shower I didn't have asthma anymore," Lex said, raising his head to look Chloe in the eye.
"So, you're a meteor freak. Uh huh, uh huh, huh," Chloe said, typing away.
"What?" Lex asked, becoming outraged.
"You're a meteor freak," Chloe said with her trademark smile. "A freak.because of the meteors. A meteor freak."
Lex stood abruptly. "I have to go reapply my Rogaine."
Chloe smiled up at him sweetly. "You know, if you put some meteor fragments in the bottle and shake it up it might work better."
Lex seemed to think about it for a second. "But where would I get some?"
Chloe reached into her messenger bag and pulled out a handful of green crystals. "Here you go. Be sure to report your findings back to me."
Lex tucked the crystals in his breast pocket. "Thank you, Chloe. I will." With that he left the Talon.
* * *
Clark didn't stop running until he reached Pete's house. He quickly knocked on the door. When no one answered right away he knocked again. Pete answered on the third knock.
"Pete, I need to talk to you," Clark said, brushing past Pete. "It's about Lana and Chloe."
Pete rolled his eyes and shut the front door before following Clark into the living room. Clark didn't even wait for Pete to talk, which between me and you was a wise decision.
"First of all is Lana. I can't tell you how but I killed her parents. That puts a damper on the whole love thing. I mean, I killed her parents!! Then there's Chloe. She's wonderful and all, but she's.CHLOE! We're best friends. Lately I've been having these feelings," Clark cut himself off when he realized Pete hadn't spoken the whole time. "Pete? Say something."
"I have to warn you. Even though I tried bribing the writers they refuse to give me more than my allotted four lines per episode, so I can't say much. Damn it! I just wasted one line!" Pete cursed himself.
"I'll keep going, then. Anyway, Lana is pretty, and head cheerleader, and pretty, and unavailable, and pretty. But she's also kind of a player. But she's pretty," Clark rambled. "Then there's Chloe. Chloe's so spunky, and she's my best friend, and she's perky, and she's my best friend, and she's addicted to coffee, and she's my best friend. But she's so much fun to be around. But she's my best friend. So, what do I do?"
Pete reached over and slapped Clark on the back of the head.
"What was that for?" Clark asked, his eyes widening.
"I can't not say this. It's worth wasting a line on," Pete muttered to himself. "GO FOR CHLOE, YOU IDIOT! Chloe, not Miss Perfect-my parents are dead-Lana. Chloe! Chloe, Clark. Say it with me, now. C-H-L-O-E!"
"Ch-Lo-E," Clark said slowly, before breaking into a grin. He repeated himself, speaking faster now. "Chloe! Chloe, Chloe, Chloe!"
Pete looked at Clark, a look of embarrassment for his friend taking over his features.
* * *
"Dear Diary," Chloe typed. "I fear Clark will never see me as more than his best friend. Maybe the meteors have something to do with it."
Chloe was shaken from her train of thought when Lana walked up. Well, she didn't really walk up, it was more like she bounced up.
"Hi, Chloe," Lana said, smiling broadly. She reached up to twirl a strand of hair between her perfectly manicured fingers. "What'cha doin'?"
Chloe looked up in annoyance. "Writing about my unrequited love," she said, knowing Lana wouldn't understand.
"Un-re-quit-ed?" Lana asked, screwing up her face in concentration.
Chloe sighed and rolled her eyes. "Nevermind. What do you want?"
"Okay," Lana said, sliding into the booth in front of Chloe. "I don't know who I want to go out with. Whitney, who is sweet but as you know kind of not around right now. Or Clark who is also sweet and here now."
At the mention of Clark's name Chloe's eyes glazed over. *Clark, mmm.*
"Chloe? Chloe!" Lana called, snapping Chloe out of her daydream. "Who do I pick?"
"Hmm?" Chloe asked, ripping herself away from a mental image of a shirtless Clark.
Lana immediately brightened. "You're right, Chloe. I'll pick both of them!"
"What?" Chloe almost shouted. "Well, why not? He doesn't pay attention to me, he doesn't even know I exist when you're around. He never smiles him farmboy smile at me anymore, he ditches me the minute you come into the room."
Lana cocked her head to the side, her wide eyes focusing on Chloe. "Who are you talking about?"
Chloe huffed. "Ugh! You are so clueless!"
"About what?" Lana asked innocently.
"I LOVE CLARK!" Chloe shouted across the table.
"Oh, that's nice," Lana said, her smile not faltering.
"Aren't you upset?" Chloe asked, narrowing her eyes.
"Should I be?" Lana asked, cocking her head to the other side.
"You just said you wanted Clark," Chloe explained, realizing just how ditzy the cheerleader was.
"I do? I do!" Lana said with a smile. "I must go tell him." Lana quickly hurried from the room.
Chloe began to type again. "Dear Diary, the meteor freaks are starting to look pretty good to me right now."
* * *
The next day.
Clark, Chloe, Pete, and Lana, were standing outside of Luthor Manor waiting for Lex to come out. Pete, being the only sane one of the group looked around with an amused smile. Clark and Chloe had a definite undercurrent of sexual tension, but Lana just looked angry that Clark wasn't looking at her. Before Pete could come up with an idea for the best way to use his one remaining line Lex emerged.
"That was my Dad. Do you all know he hates me?" Lex asked, storming up to the friends. "He's on his way over."
"You know, I don't have a dad," Lana told Lex, sympathy in her eyes.
Lex waved her off and moved to stand next to Pete. "Anyway, he's on his way here. I don't know why he'd want to come see his mutant freak of a son."
Pete grinned as Chloe and Clark's eyes locked. Before he could comment Lana started up.
Lana sidled up to Clark and lowered her voice sexily. "Hi, Clark."
Clark kept his eyes on Chloe. "Hi, Lana. What's wrong with your voice?"
Lana didn't respond. Instead she reached out to caress Clark's chest.
Seeing this Chloe became outraged. She grabbed Lana's wrist and threw it off of Clark.
"Thanks," Clark said, looking into Chloe's eyes.
"Humunuh humunuh humunuh," Chloe muttered, losing herself in Clark's eyes.
"Can we focus here?" Lex asked annoyed. "Did no one realize that I said my father is coming? Here? My father who thinks of me as some disgusting excuse for a man. My father who would rather of had me killed by the meteors than stripped of my beautiful silky red hair?"
Seeing that she wasn't getting anywhere with Clark Lana turned her attention to Lex. He reached out and rubbed his head affectionately. "Poor Lexy."
Pure disgust washed over Lex's face. "Uh, no Lana. You can't have me either. Besides, who would want a bald freak?"
Lana stuck out her bottom lip in a pout. After a moment she. "Pete?"
"You have a boyfriend, Lana. A guy who happens to love you, don't ask me why. Then you go for Clark, who obviously ain't having none. When he doesn't throw himself at your perfect feet you move to Lex. Seeing he don't want none you move to me. Lana, you have major issues. You need to see a counselor or something. There has got to be a name for your disorder," Pete said in exasperation. "Damnit, I just used my last line!"
Chloe perked up. "I'll finish for you, Pete! And on top of that," Chloe said moving to stand in front of Lana. "Sentimentality is NOT the reason to open a business!! Who cares where your parents met? Geez! Oh no, if we tear down the Talon I'll lose the last thread to my DEAD PARENTS! And what is with that necklace? It's from what killed them! You are wearing a piece of the thing that killed your parents! That's just sick."
Lana's mouth hung open at Chloe's outburst. "Clark, help me," she said, pouting.
"No you didn't!" Chloe yelled. "Clark is mine. He's my best friend. You can't have him! Clark is mine and you can't have him." Chloe felt something on her shoulders and turned her head to see Clark settle his arm on her.
"You really feel that way?" he asked, his eyes filled with love.
"Humunuh, humuhuh, humunuh," Chloe muttered. Clark was too close for real thought.
Clark laughed. "I'll take that as a yes."
Chloe nodded emphatically as a limo pulled into the driveway.
"Great, here's my dad who hates me and is disgusted by me," Lex moaned.
Lionel crawled form the limo, taking in the sight of the five friends. "Lex. Son."
Lana looked from Lionel back to Clark and Chloe who were now in a heavy make-out session. She then looked back to Lionel with a gleam in her eye. Without a word she ran at Lionel.
Seeing the hungry look in Lana's eye Lionel took off screaming.
"Come back," Lana called, chasing him up the lawn. "I just want to talk!"
Lex sat on the edge of the fountain and put his head in his hands. "My dad hates me," he muttered.
Pete looked at the scene around him. When his eyes focused on the very involved Chloe and Clark he broke into a grin. Since he was out of lines he opted to do a victory dance instead. He sang the words in his head. *Go me. It's my birthday! No it isn't. Go anyway!*
Finished: July 20, 2002
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or the show. If I did I would write myself in as Pete's new love interest and Chloe's new best friend! Oh, and I would kill off Lana!
Rant: Round 2
Author's Note 1: This story is for Kat (FindMe). You wanted another Rant, here it is! Enjoy!!
Author's Note 2: This is to be taken all in good fun. Not to be taken seriously! If you don't want to read a fic making fun of the cliches of Pete, Lana, Clark, Chloe, and Lex.leave now! Do not flame me, as you have been warned!!
By the time Lana had gotten to Clark's loft she was out of breath. She stood at the top of the stairs, her hands on her knees to support herself.
Clark crossed to her quickly. "Lana, what is it?!"
Lana looked up at Clark, panting. "My parents *gasp* they're *gasp* dead!"
A look of utter horror crossed Clark's face. "I did it. It's all my fault. I killed your parents."
"My parents are dead?!" Lana said, her face twisting in agony. She began to cry as she flung herself face down on the couch. :Why didn't anyone tell me?!"
"What have I done?" Clark wailed. "I've hurt so many people. If it weren't for me your parents would be alive!"
Lana sat up straight as a board. "My- My parents- They're- They're dead? Oh, my world is over!"
"Lana, I'm so sorry. How can I ever repay you?" Clark asked, throwing his arms up in despair.
"Repay me for what?" Lana asked standing up and emitting a saccharine smile.
"For killing your parents," Clark replied, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
"My parents are DEAD?!?" Lana screamed, once again hurling herself onto the couch.
"All because of me," Clark wailed, speeding from the barn.
* * *
Meanwhile at the Talon.
Looking around the room Lex noticed Chloe. She was typing furiously on her laptop. Crossing the room quickly Lex went to stand beside her.
Chloe looked up at Lex in surprise. The surprise soon turned to pleasure. "Hi, Lex! I'm researching a new meteor theory. I was just about to call you to ask you some questions."
Lex absently rubbed his head. "The meteors. They did this to me," he said bitterly.
Chloe gestured to the seat across from herself. "Let's talk about this, Lex."
Lex sat and put his head into his hands. "I wasn't like this before those meteors came here. It's all their fault."
"You know, that was my theory," Chloe said, typing away at her laptop. "Tell me more. I need all the facts."
"Well, first the meteors came. Then I- Then I- Then I was bald," Lex said, the last word coming out a whisper.
"That's what I thought," Chloe said, nodding thoughtfully. "What else?"
"Well, after the shower I didn't have asthma anymore," Lex said, raising his head to look Chloe in the eye.
"So, you're a meteor freak. Uh huh, uh huh, huh," Chloe said, typing away.
"What?" Lex asked, becoming outraged.
"You're a meteor freak," Chloe said with her trademark smile. "A freak.because of the meteors. A meteor freak."
Lex stood abruptly. "I have to go reapply my Rogaine."
Chloe smiled up at him sweetly. "You know, if you put some meteor fragments in the bottle and shake it up it might work better."
Lex seemed to think about it for a second. "But where would I get some?"
Chloe reached into her messenger bag and pulled out a handful of green crystals. "Here you go. Be sure to report your findings back to me."
Lex tucked the crystals in his breast pocket. "Thank you, Chloe. I will." With that he left the Talon.
* * *
Clark didn't stop running until he reached Pete's house. He quickly knocked on the door. When no one answered right away he knocked again. Pete answered on the third knock.
"Pete, I need to talk to you," Clark said, brushing past Pete. "It's about Lana and Chloe."
Pete rolled his eyes and shut the front door before following Clark into the living room. Clark didn't even wait for Pete to talk, which between me and you was a wise decision.
"First of all is Lana. I can't tell you how but I killed her parents. That puts a damper on the whole love thing. I mean, I killed her parents!! Then there's Chloe. She's wonderful and all, but she's.CHLOE! We're best friends. Lately I've been having these feelings," Clark cut himself off when he realized Pete hadn't spoken the whole time. "Pete? Say something."
"I have to warn you. Even though I tried bribing the writers they refuse to give me more than my allotted four lines per episode, so I can't say much. Damn it! I just wasted one line!" Pete cursed himself.
"I'll keep going, then. Anyway, Lana is pretty, and head cheerleader, and pretty, and unavailable, and pretty. But she's also kind of a player. But she's pretty," Clark rambled. "Then there's Chloe. Chloe's so spunky, and she's my best friend, and she's perky, and she's my best friend, and she's addicted to coffee, and she's my best friend. But she's so much fun to be around. But she's my best friend. So, what do I do?"
Pete reached over and slapped Clark on the back of the head.
"What was that for?" Clark asked, his eyes widening.
"I can't not say this. It's worth wasting a line on," Pete muttered to himself. "GO FOR CHLOE, YOU IDIOT! Chloe, not Miss Perfect-my parents are dead-Lana. Chloe! Chloe, Clark. Say it with me, now. C-H-L-O-E!"
"Ch-Lo-E," Clark said slowly, before breaking into a grin. He repeated himself, speaking faster now. "Chloe! Chloe, Chloe, Chloe!"
Pete looked at Clark, a look of embarrassment for his friend taking over his features.
* * *
"Dear Diary," Chloe typed. "I fear Clark will never see me as more than his best friend. Maybe the meteors have something to do with it."
Chloe was shaken from her train of thought when Lana walked up. Well, she didn't really walk up, it was more like she bounced up.
"Hi, Chloe," Lana said, smiling broadly. She reached up to twirl a strand of hair between her perfectly manicured fingers. "What'cha doin'?"
Chloe looked up in annoyance. "Writing about my unrequited love," she said, knowing Lana wouldn't understand.
"Un-re-quit-ed?" Lana asked, screwing up her face in concentration.
Chloe sighed and rolled her eyes. "Nevermind. What do you want?"
"Okay," Lana said, sliding into the booth in front of Chloe. "I don't know who I want to go out with. Whitney, who is sweet but as you know kind of not around right now. Or Clark who is also sweet and here now."
At the mention of Clark's name Chloe's eyes glazed over. *Clark, mmm.*
"Chloe? Chloe!" Lana called, snapping Chloe out of her daydream. "Who do I pick?"
"Hmm?" Chloe asked, ripping herself away from a mental image of a shirtless Clark.
Lana immediately brightened. "You're right, Chloe. I'll pick both of them!"
"What?" Chloe almost shouted. "Well, why not? He doesn't pay attention to me, he doesn't even know I exist when you're around. He never smiles him farmboy smile at me anymore, he ditches me the minute you come into the room."
Lana cocked her head to the side, her wide eyes focusing on Chloe. "Who are you talking about?"
Chloe huffed. "Ugh! You are so clueless!"
"About what?" Lana asked innocently.
"I LOVE CLARK!" Chloe shouted across the table.
"Oh, that's nice," Lana said, her smile not faltering.
"Aren't you upset?" Chloe asked, narrowing her eyes.
"Should I be?" Lana asked, cocking her head to the other side.
"You just said you wanted Clark," Chloe explained, realizing just how ditzy the cheerleader was.
"I do? I do!" Lana said with a smile. "I must go tell him." Lana quickly hurried from the room.
Chloe began to type again. "Dear Diary, the meteor freaks are starting to look pretty good to me right now."
* * *
The next day.
Clark, Chloe, Pete, and Lana, were standing outside of Luthor Manor waiting for Lex to come out. Pete, being the only sane one of the group looked around with an amused smile. Clark and Chloe had a definite undercurrent of sexual tension, but Lana just looked angry that Clark wasn't looking at her. Before Pete could come up with an idea for the best way to use his one remaining line Lex emerged.
"That was my Dad. Do you all know he hates me?" Lex asked, storming up to the friends. "He's on his way over."
"You know, I don't have a dad," Lana told Lex, sympathy in her eyes.
Lex waved her off and moved to stand next to Pete. "Anyway, he's on his way here. I don't know why he'd want to come see his mutant freak of a son."
Pete grinned as Chloe and Clark's eyes locked. Before he could comment Lana started up.
Lana sidled up to Clark and lowered her voice sexily. "Hi, Clark."
Clark kept his eyes on Chloe. "Hi, Lana. What's wrong with your voice?"
Lana didn't respond. Instead she reached out to caress Clark's chest.
Seeing this Chloe became outraged. She grabbed Lana's wrist and threw it off of Clark.
"Thanks," Clark said, looking into Chloe's eyes.
"Humunuh humunuh humunuh," Chloe muttered, losing herself in Clark's eyes.
"Can we focus here?" Lex asked annoyed. "Did no one realize that I said my father is coming? Here? My father who thinks of me as some disgusting excuse for a man. My father who would rather of had me killed by the meteors than stripped of my beautiful silky red hair?"
Seeing that she wasn't getting anywhere with Clark Lana turned her attention to Lex. He reached out and rubbed his head affectionately. "Poor Lexy."
Pure disgust washed over Lex's face. "Uh, no Lana. You can't have me either. Besides, who would want a bald freak?"
Lana stuck out her bottom lip in a pout. After a moment she. "Pete?"
"You have a boyfriend, Lana. A guy who happens to love you, don't ask me why. Then you go for Clark, who obviously ain't having none. When he doesn't throw himself at your perfect feet you move to Lex. Seeing he don't want none you move to me. Lana, you have major issues. You need to see a counselor or something. There has got to be a name for your disorder," Pete said in exasperation. "Damnit, I just used my last line!"
Chloe perked up. "I'll finish for you, Pete! And on top of that," Chloe said moving to stand in front of Lana. "Sentimentality is NOT the reason to open a business!! Who cares where your parents met? Geez! Oh no, if we tear down the Talon I'll lose the last thread to my DEAD PARENTS! And what is with that necklace? It's from what killed them! You are wearing a piece of the thing that killed your parents! That's just sick."
Lana's mouth hung open at Chloe's outburst. "Clark, help me," she said, pouting.
"No you didn't!" Chloe yelled. "Clark is mine. He's my best friend. You can't have him! Clark is mine and you can't have him." Chloe felt something on her shoulders and turned her head to see Clark settle his arm on her.
"You really feel that way?" he asked, his eyes filled with love.
"Humunuh, humuhuh, humunuh," Chloe muttered. Clark was too close for real thought.
Clark laughed. "I'll take that as a yes."
Chloe nodded emphatically as a limo pulled into the driveway.
"Great, here's my dad who hates me and is disgusted by me," Lex moaned.
Lionel crawled form the limo, taking in the sight of the five friends. "Lex. Son."
Lana looked from Lionel back to Clark and Chloe who were now in a heavy make-out session. She then looked back to Lionel with a gleam in her eye. Without a word she ran at Lionel.
Seeing the hungry look in Lana's eye Lionel took off screaming.
"Come back," Lana called, chasing him up the lawn. "I just want to talk!"
Lex sat on the edge of the fountain and put his head in his hands. "My dad hates me," he muttered.
Pete looked at the scene around him. When his eyes focused on the very involved Chloe and Clark he broke into a grin. Since he was out of lines he opted to do a victory dance instead. He sang the words in his head. *Go me. It's my birthday! No it isn't. Go anyway!*