Ultima Thule
The Highest Point of Hell
"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."
-Woody Allen
The sun was a sphere of blinding radiance in the powder-blue sky. Dusty streaks of snowy white drifted languorously in the sky as a giddy breeze rustled the emerald leaves of the camellia trees while the blood-red blossoms rustled their salacious petals, ruffled at how the wind teased them. Sitting on a plane of lush, verdant grass was a towering aerie of airy marble spires aglow with a soft luminance and cavernous arched glass windows, glinting brilliantly as the sunlight bathed them.
Welcome to Ultima Thule, the most prestigious boarding school for promising young women in all of Elrios. The fairy tale-like building also served as a militant tech developer and one of the most upstanding places where a knight- a male in service to a renowned organization/ person could train at. The school cafeteria food was five-stars, not the typical slop straight out of a trash can you normally receive from school. Even better was the fact the bathrooms actually had real paper towels and toilet paper! Not those rolls of recycled paper that always gave you a butt rash and those cheap flattened hunks of cardboard that scratched the skin right off of your hands whenever you attempted to dry them.
Perhaps the most important thing (at least in the minds of some people) was that the workers were well-paid, received benefits, and a young male working there could even attend the knight training sessions for free! Not to mention said male could even stay in the posh dorms, enjoy the exquisite cuisine, and enjoy a certain amount of prestige.
There were just a few minor drawbacks though as the Sieghart twins plus their cousin- Elliot Nightray were about to find out.
For one thing, the headmistress was a complete sadist with a fondness for making gruesome threats...
Tugging nervously on a natty spiked lock of vermillion hair, Elsword Sieghart fidgeted around disconcertedly as the cold dark grey eyes of the headmistress- Speka bore into him and his twin brother- Els. Standing behind the twins was Elliot, his headphones on and blasting some symphonic metal or something like that into his ears as he nodded his head in time with the beat, the steel sword earring he wore rocking back and forth as he did so.
"So you three are here because your sister, Elesis said you were looking for a job and that you three would make reliable workers." Speka stated curtly, the corners of her lips turned upwards in a faint smirk that screamed "Crazy sadist lady here! Watch out! Danger!" Els, the younger of the two twins leaned backwards in his chair, his softly spiked crimson bangs drifting indolently over his right eye. "No," he refuted simply, letting his gaze wander all over the room, taking in the off-white walls trimmed in elaborate black molding, the varnished ebon cupboards, and the silver-framed portraits of former headmistresses that hung on the wall, their stares firm and censorious.
Speka furrowed her brow and pushed the brim of her floppy stygian witch's hat up, revealing a shock of tousled lavender bangs. "Excuse me mister?" Elsword balked at the precariously light edge in Speka's voice and he hastily spoke, cutting off Els before he could say something stupid. "Ah, he didn't mean it like that Miss Speka! What he meant to say is that the statement is a teeny bit inaccurate since Elliot"-he gestured at the black-clad redhead behind him, watching the proceedings with an amused detachment- "Is our cousin, his dad divorced his mother and his mother who had sole custody is neurotic, so he decided to come live with us."
"Unfortunately…" Els muttered under his breath, his bottom lip put out in a faint facsimile of a pout.
Elliot narrowed his sharp scarlet eyes, but other than that, he gave no indication that he had heard Els's dour remark. "Hmph!" Speka snorted and drummed her fingertips lightly against each other, her eyes tapered. "I knew that you dolt, if I had wanted confirmation about something, I would've asked you." She snarled. Elsword gulped and bit his bottom lip while Els heaved a noisy breath and slumped down in the chair. "You!" Speka barked, pointing a black-tipped acrylic nail at Els. "Huh!?" Els yelped and shot up in his chair. "Don't you dare exhibit such appalling posture! Keep your back straight or I shall straighten it for you on the rack!" Els paled and shrank back in his chair. "And you!" Speka hollered, standing up and slamming her hands against the table.
Elliot stiffened, his eyes widening with surprise and he took off his headphones. "Yeah?" He drawled and brushed his spiked bangs away from his left eye. "Keep your headphones off or I shall strangle you with them!" Speka threatened menacingly. Elliot snorted but he obliged and turned off his iPod.
Clenching her teeth into a fierce smile, revealing her abnormally sharp canines, Speka slid back into her swiveling black-leather chair. "Good… now that I have all you brats in a row, I shall tell you what you are to do and then you shall start working." Elsword's arm twitched and timorously, he held a shaky hand up. "What?" Speka snapped. "Immediately?" His voice was a soft whisper. Speka's eye twitched, signaling her intense desire to strangle someone. With a great deal of effort, she released her breath in a sibilant hiss and pushed her night-black rimmed glasses up the bridge of her nose.
"Of course it's immediately! Why would I hire you if you weren't supposed to start work right away?!"
Elsword flinched and clenched the edge of his chair, his knuckles turning bone-white. "I was just wondering-"
"Don't! I'm not offering you free knight training, a good pay with benefits, and free board here at our top-of-the-line facility here to wonder! I'm paying you to do your work like the good little slaves you're supposed to be!" Speka spat, and scratched the varnished oak desk with her fingernails, leaving five faint white scars on the desk. "Any more stupid questions?" The headmistress flashed the three boys the evil eye. Visibly shaking and feeling the great beads of cold sweat rolling off his neck, Elsword shook his head. "No…" He whispered humbly.
Speka sank back in her chair, looking mighty smug and she tugged at the black bat choker on her neck. "Very well…" She slid open a drawer and pulled out a file, containing a messy stack of papers. With an impassive expression, she flipped through it, muttering obscenities under her breath and throwing white sheets on the brocaded mauve carpet in a helter-skelter fashion. "Ah! Finally!" She stated peevishly, withdrawing a stapled packet. She flipped through them at lightning speed before chucking it on the desk and leaning backwards, contemplating the three cerise-haired youths before her.
"I wonder when she's going to decide to stick us in her oven and eat us…" Elliot snickered, baring his teeth in a wide grin. "Hah hah…" Els snapped back tartly, his arms crossed. "Shh! Do you want to get us fired before we even start?" Elsword whispered vehemently. "You do know I can hear you… right?" Speka drawled and rolled her eyes. Elsword shuddered and jerkily, turned his attention back towards Speka. "I-uh… I- uh…"
"Stuff it." Speka scowled and folded her arms. She pressed her already-thin lips into such a hard line they seemingly disappeared from her face. "And just for the record Mr. Elliot, I will stuff you in the oven, but I won't eat you. My familiars Hugin and Mugen will." Elliot sighed and casted a black look at the wall.
"Ok… so according to these files"- Speka sifted through the packet once more- "You Mr. Nightray are quite artistic, no?" With a sullen expression, Elliot wordlessly nodded. Speka bobbed her head up and down approvingly. "Perfect, you can paint murals and whatnot." Speka stated and waved her hand. A few loose leafs of paper shot upwards in the air and towards Elliot, who snatched them midair.
With a critical eye, Speka surveyed Elliot, noting his unruly crimson locks, his earring, and the steel necklace he wore. "Well… Normally I would threaten you at this point with how horrible your future is going to be if you displease me, but in this case… You're already just one bad job short of becoming a druggie, so I'll spare you the lecture." Elliot rolled his eyes flippantly and placed a hand on his hips, cantering them sassily. "Tell me… why did you become a headmistress at this school?" He queried acidly.
Speka smirked and cocked her head, "Is your hair black died mostly red, or is your hair red and you decided to stupidly dye a patch of it black?" She retorted sardonically. Elliot smirked and scratched behind his right ear. "You didn't answer my question." Speka shrugged, "You didn't answer mine."
Elliot frowned, "Very funny."
Speka beamed, an expression of such dangerous levels of psychopath that even Elliot cringed. "I do it for the children, I love making them cry tears of joy." The redhead deadpanned and shook his head. "More like tears of frustration." He mumbled in an undertone. The headmistress diverted her stare to Els who grimaced in return. "Despite how stupid I think you are, your sister Elesis says that you are quite smart, is she as stupid as you?" Els gaped incredulously at her. "Why-!" Speka cut him off with an airy wave and tucked a strand of lavender behind her ear. "Ah, I suppose I shall put you to work in the library, shelving books and keeping them in order." Speka threw another fleeting glimpse at the packet. "Your sister also mentioned that you were a flirt," she stated, placing a disdainful emphasis on the word "flirt" as if it was the worst thing someone could be right up there with serial killers and rapists. Els chuckled feebly and tugged on one of his small side tails. "Hue… I do like women," he admitted honestly.
Speka scowled malignantly at him and stood up, leaning in towards the redhead. "Well! I'll tell you this sir! If I catch you so much as touching a girl in a flirtatious way, there will be trouble!" Els gulped and leaned back in his chair, hastily trying to distance himself from the headmistress. "In the days of old before human rights became a thing, I could get away with castrating you-" Elliot snickered- "But now, since we have such idiotic rules outlawing non-voluntary castration, I will have to settle with firing you, making it so that you're only job option will be to work at a whorehouse, and then pray every night that you wind up stabbed to death in a dark alleyway." Els blanched, his throat constricting, unconsciously, he crossed his legs.
"That leaves you." Speka remarked, turning her face towards a very, very, VERY terrified Elsword who was barely managing to keep himself from pissing his pants. "The notes say you are responsible, neat, and polite." Speka observed, scanning over the packet. "You are also the oldest, ne?" Elsword slowly nodded, "Correct ma'am." Speka hissed and threw the packet at him. "Don't call me ma'am! It makes me feel old! Call me Lady Speka, Mistress Speka, or Miss Speka, but no ma'am!" She barked and scratched the desk again. Elliot cackled, "Why do you have such a problem with age? Were you alive before human rights became a thing?" Speka smiled mirthlessly and picked up a stapler.
"Do you want me to staple your lips shut? I will do it."
That shut Elliot up, "Where are human rights when you need them?" He griped but other than that, offered no further provocation.
"Ok, I've wasted too much time on you brats already… I have to contact the Student Body President and have her greet the three new girls coming in, so I'll keep this short and sweet." She inhaled deeply before slowly exhaling. "You Mr. Elsword"- she pointed at the fidgety redhead- "You shall be a janitor." Elsword gaped incredulously at her. "Oh don't look at me like that!" Speka huffed, vehemently shaking her head. "It's a good job for you, you're responsible and neat, correct? And we only have about an average of one ton of rubble and El Lady only knows what per day, so it requires good time management if you want to sleep!" Speka profusely rubbed her forehead, "So I'm giving that job to you, we could always use more janitors." Elsword bowed his head deferentially. "Yes ma- I mean Miss Speka." He amended hurriedly. Speka narrowed her eyes and clasped her hands together. "Now, you seem bearable, but I am giving you a warning…" The redhead shuddered, wrapping his arms close to him.
"If you don't watch your flirtatious twin and your doomed-to-die-in-jail cousin here, I will make you disappear." She pointed a finger at a sleek black fountain pen. It shimmered softly before fading away, "Just like that, albeit in a more violent way… preferably with lots of blood… Gore is awesome." Elsword whimpered and buried his head in his hands. With a complacent nod, she stood up and snapped her fingers. All the papers scattered on the ground flew into the file in a neat pile, and Speka placed them back inside her desk. "Now if you will excuse me, I have to go tell Rena as to what she needs to do." She walked towards the door, leaving in her wake three extremely traumatized redheads who were thinking longingly of their old job bagging groceries at Quick-e-mart.
"Oh yeah, knight training is on the weekends, eight to twelve, don't be late!" Speka called out over her shoulder as she disappeared behind the door.
A sleek black limousine rolled up to the entrance of Ultima Thule. From inside the venerable vehicle, three purplenettes clad in Ultima Thule's school uniform stared out through the tinted windows, each one conceiving their own personal opinion about the school so far. "Oh someone please shoot me! This place looks like diabetes! What's next? Are rainbow unicorns going to start flying around the towers?" The purplenette with the spiky pigtails subdued by two violaceous velvet bowties groaned. "Oh hush Voidia, stop being so histrionic." Lementa- the purplenette with low-hanging pigtails and a stoic but delicate faced chastised gently, adjusting the scarlet tie with diagonal gold stripes she wore and tucked it in neatly. Voidia scowled acrimoniously and poked the purplenette who reprimanded her in the chest. "Shut yer' hole flatty and speak English!" Voidia snarled and jabbed Lementa in the chest again. Lementa flamed and her ahoge- the lone strand of violet that stuck upwards, straightened into a thin antenna of violet. "Why you little pain in the-"
"Your tension gauge is sticking straight up." Luna- the purplenette with wavy pigtails festooned with fuchsia bows and gold hair ornaments remarked lightly, her violet eyes wide as she took in the ethereal grace of Ultima Thule's architecture. Lementa flamed even brighter and feverishly tried to flatten her ahoge to no avail, it obstinately insisted on sticking upwards. "Can I come out now? It's getting rather stuffy in here." A thin male's voice whined in a long suffering tone from the trunk. Voidia snorted, "Not until we get out of the car Angkor!" She replied drily. "Technically it's a limousine." Lementa sniffed primly and stuck her chin up in the air. "Why did you even stuff me into your suitcase like some common sweater?" Angkor carped. Voidia drew her lips into a wry smile, "If you were a common sweater I would leave you at home! Be glad I didn't! You annoy me!" She shot back.
"I hope Ultima Thule has a good theatrics program…" Luna mused wistfully and pressed her hands against the window.
"Of course it does, the brochure and the letter-"
"No one cares what the stinking pieces of propaganda had on them Lementa." Voidia interrupted rudely and tugged on the sleeve of her black blazer. "Can't believe we have to wear these stupid uniforms…" The chauffer inwardly sighed and adjusted his sunglasses, keeping a watchful eye out for the person who was supposed to greet them and take this gaggle of unruly girls out of his hands. Fortunately, he didn't have long to wait. A willowy elf with sinuous golden tresses decorated by two angelic hairclips and sparkling eyes of olive green approached the limousine, each step she took sure and fluid. "Girls!" He barked, interrupting Voidia and Lementa's spat. "Yes sir?" Lementa enquired politely. The chauffeur jerked a thumb outwards, "Your escort has arrived, you can leave now." Voidia released a long, winded sigh. "Thank you El Lady!" She exclaimed and shoved Luna out of the way, practically leaping out of the limousine headfirst. "Hey!" Luna yelped and tumbled out after Voidia. With a deadpan expression, Lementa stepped out of the limousine. "What about our stuff?" The chauffeur nodded and lowered his sunglasses.
"They'll be delivered separately to your rooms while your escort shows you girls around." Lementa nodded and strolled over to where her two sisters were standing. "Hello girls! It's a pleasure to see you here!" The elf cried out warmly and held her hand up in greeting. Lementa's amethyst orbs followed the direction of the voice and her jaw dropped. "I thought Elves were supposed to be vegetarians! How did her boobs get so big?!" She wondered aloud. The elf stopped dead in her tracks and Voidia sniggered unpleasantly. "Awkward…" Luna trailed. The elf frowned, instantly dropping it in favor of a mildly strained smile. "Nature gives us what nature gives us, we all grow and change in different ways." The elf sang coolly and gave the three purplenettes a brisk curtsy.
"Well nature hasn't worked for Lementa nor has she grown." Voidia grinned mordantly and flipped her left pigtail. Luna giggled despite herself, earning her a scathing glare from a highly affronted Lementa. "What is your name Miss?" Lementa inquired with an air of affronted dignity. The elf sighed and flattened out the creases of her black pleated skirt. "I am Rena Avaron, Student Body President of Ultima Thule. I am a senior here." Lementa nodded and performed a brief bow. "It is an honor to meet you Miss Avaron."
Rena glowed jubilantly. "Why! You are so polite!" She gushed and performed another curtsy. With a sunny smile, she spun around and gestured at the school.
"Shall we start the tour?"
Before you shoot me, this story is crack and no offense is intended (Just saying that because there might be people offended by the gender inequality... Hey! At least it isn't the stereotypical "male-is-superior" type! OAO
Ok… you can shoot me now for starting a new story instead of updating YnT and finishing Iconoclasm, not to mention the fact that this takes place in a school… Wait, don't shoot me for that, this version of Elrios is so twisted it's not even funny. If you thought Speka was brilliant, just wait until you see some of the other characters! Eve and Elesis just straight off the top of my head! Ah… but yes, the important part…
There are 3 Elswords (Did anyone spot the reference O3O) and 3 Aishas, and I'm going to be nice and let the readers pick their ElsAi! *Secretly prays for pairings she likes*
So yeah… I'll put it as a poll… or you could just mention it in passing if you review… I'm not picky… But… In case you can't tell, this is utter crack… I have no order in this story, mecha spiders, and corporate CEO fashion designers from hell, twenty-year olds undergoing a midlife crisis, split personalities, fire eaters; all of it is here and stuffed into this story. FYI: Speka isn't the only sadist in this story. There will be pairings aplenty, but aside from the ElsAi, it's all set. Next chapter is the tour of the school and from there my zany humor should take full effect and we should be introduced to all but two or three members of the cast. Don't worry, this story will be taken out of High School eventually, but as for now… Enjoy the weirdness! Don't forget to R&R if you love me and this story! :3