Well I opened my heart, and I let you in
I promised I'd never love again
And still doin' what I'd said I'd do
Someday I might get over you
There's something to be said for teenage love. There's something to be said about the first girl you bring home to your mother as your girlfriend. There's something to be said about the first girl that you make love to. There's something to be said about the first girl you give your heart to. That girl for me was Maya St. Germain. She wasn't the first girl I kissed, and she wasn't the last, but she was the first girl I kissed that truly took my breath away. She was beautiful with her black hair and deep brown eyes that I lost myself in.
I couldn't see myself falling in love with anyone but her. She made me smile, and she brought out the best in me. I thought that I could be with Maya forever. We had already suffered trials in our relationship but we had managed to work through them. I thought that, once she came to terms with her parents, once she came home, everything would be better than it had been before. Everything would be perfect.
How was I supposed to know that Maya wasn't coming home? How was I supposed to know that I would never get to talk to her again, tell her I loved her again? How was I supposed to know that the last time was the very last time?
I didn't know. I would have said a lot of things, a lot of different things, if I had known that I was never going to see her again. I think of her every day. She's constantly in my thoughts, a beautiful phantom that I can't close my eyes against. I don't want to forget her. I don't want to lose every detail of her face to my memory. Someday I'll move on. She was the first girl I ever truly loved and nothing can change that. I guess I'll fall in love again, I just don't know when. I don't know if.
I just know that I'll love her until I die.
I wear my ring on a chain now, instead of my hand
And I deal with your memories the best I can
I've even been out on a date or two
Someday I might get over you
The shirt she got me, the one that I didn't get until after she died, hangs in my closet. I wore it around once or twice, but all of a sudden, it became too much to even put it on. I leave it there, tucked between my sweaters. Okay, that's sort of a lie. It's between my sweaters most days but, some nights, I pull it off the hanger and I wrap it around a pillow, sleeping with my face next to it. It seems stupid, it doesn't even smell like her, but it makes me feel better. I close my eyes, my face pressed to that shirt, and she pops up in my dreams. Mostly, I'm revisiting memories in my sleep.
I remember the first night we kissed. The first time I realized she was hitting on me. The first night she slept over. And the first night we made love. I see her everywhere. Sometimes it makes me smile. Other times it makes me cry. A lot of the time, I'm in-between the two extremes. I want to cry because she's gone, because I will never make new memories with Maya, but I smile because I had a chance to make those memories, I will always have that piece of her with me.
I'm lucky that Paige understands about Maya. I was hesitant about finding someone new, about revealing myself again, after I lost Maya. Paige understands that I still love Maya, that sometimes I need to remember her. Paige knows that I do care about her; I'm just not ready for anything more. I'm not ready to expose myself like that again. The night I was watching the videos on Maya's website and Paige found me crying, when she held me all night, that's when I realized that Maya was eventually just going to fade into a memory that I would cry over someday, that I would laugh about someday, that I would talk about someday, and that I might get over someday.
Someday, I might move on.
Oh I never thought I'd see it
But I think I see the light now
I know that what I have to do
Is get on with my life but I can't take another day
I can't face another night, so I just take another breath
And let it go
It strikes me as strange that I can go hours without thinking about Maya when she used to fill my every waking moment. Sometimes it will take me realizing I'm not thinking about her to get me thinking about her again. I feel guilty when this happens. I think it's a sign that I'm moving on, that I will grow past her. I don't want to, but I do, all at the same time and it makes me sick to my stomach that I can't figure out what I want. I want to never forget her but I want to move on with my life. Can I move on without forgetting her?
It's impossible to think about.
I constantly feel as though I will drown in her memory if I keep going on like this but I can't just walk away from how I feel. I'll wake up in the middle of the night with my name on her lips, tangled in my blankets because I've been thrashing around, trying to reach her even though she's completely unreachable. This is when I break down and can't stop crying.
"Forgive me," I beg my empty room, as I close my eyes, shudder, and try to let her go.
If I could ever feel the way I felt
I'll take a chance with someone else
And if my heart takes chances too
Someday I might get over you
I haven't felt it again; the feeling that Maya gave me. She could make my soul feel lighter just by walking into the room. When she so much as brushed against my arm, I smiled for days. She made my heart sing and my mind light. I always had a place in her arms; I was always loved by her. I always felt loved by her. I could feel that love beaming from the stars, dancing over me at all times. I never felt alone when I knew Maya was out there, alive, well, even when she wasn't right by my side.
I think that there has to be someone out there that can make me feel like that again. There has to be someone that can make the stars dance like Maya used to. I don't know if this is true. Sometimes I think that everyone deserves a second chance at love: other times, I am convinced there is one person for everyone and once that person is gone, you can never experience that feeling again.
If someone could ever make me feel the way Maya did, I think I would be left breathless from the sheer wonder of it. I think I would be left paralyzed from how amazing this woman would be. If I ever met his person, I would parade out of my comfort zone, like Maya had made me do, and embrace them with my whole heart. At least, that's what I would like to think. In truth, it would probably take a lot for me to open my heart enough to let someone else in.
I've never been one to take a lot of chances. I'm often shy, often hesitant. Especially when it comes to loving someone, anyone, at all. In theory, when I met the right person, I would automatically know, and be able to throw myself into that relationship headfirst. In reality, I would have to continually dip my toes in the water, again and again, before I could even think about taking the plunge, let alone actually getting there.
Oh I never thought I'd see it
But I think I see the light now
I know that what I have to do
Is get on with my life, but I can't take another day
I can't face another night, so I just take another breath
And let it go
Being with Maya was like being in a state of permanent bliss … when I wasn't worried over her safety. When she first disappeared, I felt lost at sea most of the time. I fought to hold her memory close. I also needed to step away and breathe. It was a long process; a complicated process. I'm not through with that process. I don't think I'll ever be through. I know for sure that a piece of me will always love her; she will always live in a special part of my heart. I will keep her memory alive: I will make sure she is remembered.
Maya was more than just a teenage love to me. She was the first girl that I fell head over heels for. She was the first girl to catch me. I can still feel her imprint in my arms sometimes. I still cry a lot. She still means the world to me, and a little more than that. There's a lot to be said about Maya and I and how we loved one another. That will never take away from the truth: we did love one another. We loved one another so much that the whole world was jealous.
I still love her to this day.
And wherever she is, I know she loves me too.
After all, the first love never dies.
Well I opened my heart, and I let you in,
I promised I'd never love again
Right now it's still somethin' I still can't do
Someday I might get over you
Though it may not be 'til my life is through
Someday I might get over you
I own nothing recognizable. Thanks to my awesome beta: noble6. The song is I Might Get Over You by Kenny Chesney.
~TLL~