Ok so this is my first mediator fanfic… hope u guys like it… I'm

not saying if its P/S or J/S. Well ok read it, if u like it, review…if you don't then still review n tell me what I did wrong! K on with the story…

Oh yeah...hehe
Disclaimer: nothing owned by moi…blah blah… all Meg

Cabot's fine creation… except of course my plot! And all unknown characters

And to put the icing on the cake, I dedicate this story to

JYOCKA and CHABANABAM

I just sat there, too overcome with emotion. The numbness in my heart was replaced by a sudden burst of pain, which seared and made my heart ache.

The feeling rushed up to meet my emerald greens, which started to shimmer and sparkle, somewhat like a real jewel.

That's when the tears began to flow. My mascara began to flow down my pale cheeks passed my broken smile. Oh my god. Doesn't Little Miss Susannah Simon just suck?

Well I don't know how long I sat there, just crying. Because I am sure you know that I don't do the whole crying thing. Well at least not before, not when I was sixteen and oh so kick ass. God, crying irritated me, especially if I was the one doing the crying.

Crap. Why do I always mess things up when they are going so well?

I always meet this perfectly nice guy who I'm attracted to and he likes me too, but then I just seem to screw it all up. And it all turns out like crap.

Crap. Poo. Shit. Faeces. Whatever you want to call it. It's all the same. Just completely useless.

I met this awesome guy, about a month ago. He was the definition of awesome. Hot body, cute, sweet personality, he knew exactly what I wanted and exactly how to give it to me. His name, well I didn't know it.

Haha! Just kidding, I'm not that stupid. His name was Alex.

He had cute ringlets of soft, brown curls. Which immediately reminded me of our dearest Paul. Do you see my mistake? No?

Ok well he also had sharp, intense, blue eyes that always knew the right time to become warm, loving and sympathetic. He had such a caring personality, he always made sure that I was alright and that I was happy.

Do you see my big mistake yet?

Alex was a cross of Paul and Jesse. The two people I have tried to keep as far behind me as possible. So you see why I really should not have fallen for Alex.

That evening was so perfect. Until I ruined it of course. After a night at the movies and dinner at my apartment, Alex and I were to be found gracefully sprawled across my chic leather couch, with the scent of burning candles and soft romantic music playing gently in the background.

We were kissing, ok maybe more than kissing, but with each kiss, there laid a message of passion and hunger. We were hungry for each other.

Alex moved his lips away from mine as he made his journey down my neck. He teased me by tickling me there, with his tongue. My nails squeezed the muscles in his back in pleasure.

'Oh Paul,'

Yeah, that's the moment I turned things into crap. Those words I just said made his lips stop and his body went rigid. He moved up so that he saw my face from about thirty centimeters away.

'What?' His eyes looked confused, hurt and well, jealous. Oh shit. Ain't I just THE perfect girlfriend?

I stared at him with profound horror. I really can't believe I just did that.

'Oh fuck – uh – I didn't – I swear – shit!' I stumbled on my words. Badly.

'Who is Paul?' He said Paul's name like it was vermin - utterly disgusting, unworthy and useless. Well I can't say I don't agree.

'He's nobody. Just absolutely nobody. I'm so sorry babe – I didn't mean –'

'Oh so this Paul nobody is on the top of your mind when you are with me? What the hell?'

'No! Oh My God Alex! I'm sorry! I haven't seen Paul in ages. I don't even know why I even said his name. Shit – '

'Okay. Whatever Suze,' His voice sounded so final. God I'm such an idiot.

We both got up and managed to get our crumpled shirts back on. Yeah I ruined it when we were that far. He buckled his belt and turned to look at me. Those blue eyes said it all. He was hurt, angry and irritated. I felt so horrible.

'Shit Suze. I really did like you, a lot, maybe too much. Sorry it ended up this way. See you around,'

I guess that was when my tears began to fall. I never learn. This happened so many times, and I still never learn to forget about Paul or Jesse. I always made the same mistake with any guy I was ever with after Jesse and Paul. I never learn.

Whenever I'm with a guy that I like, it's like my sub-conscious mind tells me to say Paul's or Jesse's name. And I always end up like this, in tears. Why did I not learn to get over them?

I have seen my fair share of guys. They were all so wonderful, but somehow, they could not meet my standard of Jesse or Paul. And even if I don't ruin the relationship by silly words, I always move. I always move away. I'm always convincing myself I'm moving farther away from Paul and Jesse.

At first, I didn't move too far away from Carmel, I just moved up to Montreal for Fashion College. After a year and a half, I was transferred to London. It made me a bit nervous to be that far away from Mom and Andy, but what kept me far away was the thought of Jesse and Paul.

About a year and a half later I got my degree and got myself a small job in Glasgow. Ok, so it was a crap job in Marks and Spencer's sorting out clothes. That job didn't last long. I moved to Rome after a while and helped out with some clothes designing. Some of my ideas got out there, though I didn't get much credit for them. Once I had enough money I moved to Bangkok and got a small time job. I started to save most my money and began to make a lot of my designs.

My next move was to Japan. There I just started to see a lot of fashion shows and checking in on the latest designs. I got out of there quickly because it was a bit pricy. Well now here I am in Sydney, fashion designer – Suze Simon. That's pretty good for me huh? Any kind of clothing you like, well I got it, all completely made in Sydney. Yeah, so if I'm so well off, how come where you can find Suze Simon on a Friday night is in her apartment, not to mention all alone and crying because she can't ever learn from her mistakes?

Five years later, thousands of miles away, Paul and Jesse still haunt me and ruin my life. Damn them. They injected my body with pain and filled my mind with unforgotten memories.

I'm sure my eyes were all puffy now from all the crying that I was doing. My light pink top was stained with blotches of mascara. Time passed so slowly I was so sure that it had stopped and let me cry to my full extent. Eventually I just fell asleep on my couch.

Well that's the first chapter, it's a bit short, it's sort of like an introduction. Please click that little button just below and review! You know you want to!

More soon, hopefully xxx

yabanabi