Author: If any of you know who Tegan and Sara are their song "Nineteen" off their new album was kind of my source of inspiration for this story, plus I just was itching to write something again.
I think, I know
By: hands-of-blue
Natsuki was sick. No one, including the doctors, knew what is was, but it wasn't good. A slow death is never good, but as far as Natsuki was concerned she was fine. By looking at her you would never have guessed that she was told to have little time left. Sitting upright in her hospital bed, smiling and laughing, throwing flowers at Mai whenever she insisted on bringing her portable karaoke machine to "cheer Natsuki up" while Shizuru retrieved and tidied the flowers back up. Yes, Shizuru was there, always there in the chair by Natsuki's bed. It was true that Natsuki and Shizuru were just friends and though Shizuru still wanted all of Natsuki, she understood why Natsuki could not want all of Shizuru.
When Natsuki started complaining of frequent, horrible chest pains months ago, Shizuru forced her to see a doctor. When Natsuki came back and told Shizuru about her mystery illness, Shizuru forced Natsuki to have the doctor tell them it was a terrible mistake. Natsuki couldn't di…no she just couldn't. Shizuru wouldn't let it happen, now and ever. So Shizuru got Natsuki the best medical care available, stayed by her side constantly, and convinced teachers to let Natsuki's friends out of class often to visit Natsuki. Shizuru did everything Natsuki asked of her, though Natsuki didn't ask for much.
But being asked to bring Natsuki's laptop into the hospital for her and being told to never look at what Natsuki was ceaselessly fussing over on her computer was rather odd. Everyday, Natsuki would take out the laptop, typing/deleting things for seemingly hours, then finally groan from frustration and put the laptop away. Of course Shizuru wanted to know what Natsuki was getting so worked up over, but she respected her privacy. Besides, the one time Shizuru did break and ask Natsuki what she was writing, the response, "my last will and testament", didn't please her much.
Now, a few months later, things were starting to look a little more serious than Shizuru was comfortable with. When the doctors would come in to check on Natsuki they always had a sad glint in their eyes, but still managed a hopeful smile the girl's way. Shizuru was starting to figure they had to do that even when they knew no hope was coming. Mai, Makoto, and the rest of the gang showed up more and more; they told Shizuru in private it was because they were becoming increasingly more worried about Natsuki and Shizuru could only bow her head in agreement. Lately Natsuki wasn't looking like she used to. Gone was the rosy hue in her cheeks, the devilish sparkle in her eye, and the endless grins and giggles. It's not like Natsuki has become a complete lump of a person, she just wasn't her normal self.
The biggest problem for Shizuru was the dreams. Every other night, Shizuru cried and thrashed about in her chair from her nightmare of Natsuki dy…But every time she woke in a sweat and trembling, Natsuki sat in bed and began to talk to Shizuru to calm the older girl down.
Today was different. Shizuru woke from a peaceful sleep to find the most beautiful day she had seen in a long time. She could feel life blossoming all around her as the full, bright sun spread its warmth and cheer to all things. And there Natsuki was, straight up in her bed, attacking her laptop keyboard, eyebrows deeply furrowed, a smirk on her lips, and that wonderful sparkle back in her eyes. Shizuru was on the verge of sobbing with joy, but this action was cut off by Natsuki slamming shut her laptop and turning to give Shizuru an even greater smirk. "I've finished it."
"Great, now we all will know who gets your fridge full of mayo." "Shizuru, I would never put that in my will, I'm taking that mayo with me!" Before Shizuru could continue to tease Natsuki, the usual suspects arrived and this time Natsuki let Mai sing her a song, but only under the circumstances that when she was done Shizuru was to throw the karaoke machine out the window. By the time Mai was done with her rendition of "My Heart Will Go On", Shizuru couldn't wait to hurl that thing to its doom.
Today was different. Everyone stayed all day until the doctors finally urged them to go back home. When the last hug was given and the door shut, Natsuki and Shizuru huddled down to share their normal small talk like they did every night. A little while later and the two were ready to sleep.
"Shizuru?" "Yes Natsuki?" "You know, if you want, you can read what I wrote on my laptop in a few days ok?" "Why Natsuki, it being your will and all, I assumed we all would be having a look at it." "No, it's enough just for you to see it." "If you wish for that to be so. And Natsuki?" "Yeah Shizuru?" "Why am I to look at it in a few days and not tomorrow?" An almost painfully quiet pause ensued.
"I just don't think you'll have enough time tomorrow."
Yes today had been different, but the night was the same. Shizuru found herself in Natsuki's hospital room, except Natsuki wasn't there. In an all too familiar panic, Shizuru raced to the nurses' center to find out what happened to Natsuki. Screaming and falling to the floor as they told her. Shizuru had failed. She let Natsuki pass in the night, right under her fingertips. Shizuru pleaded for her dream to stop, and she was granted so. The shrill sound woke her this time and she knew instantly what it was. Natsuki had flat lined.
Shizuru leaped to the bed, engulfed Natsuki, and beseeched for her to arise, but Shizuru's eyes had already began to burn and blur with her tears and she could not see the doctors and nurses scrambling in and ripping her away from her precious Natsuki.
Within minutes, Shizuru had informed Natsuki's friends and all sat in silence in a private waiting room. When the head doctor entered and gave the news, the room burst.
"I'm so very sorry, but we were not able to save her."
While all in attendance tried in vain to keep themselves from unraveling, Shizuru slipped back into Natsuki's room. They had already taken her away. Climbing into the bed and curling herself up, Shizuru fell into a dreamless sleep.
The next two weeks went by all too fast to Shizuru. Having been previously deemed Natsuki's guardian, Shizuru took care of any paperwork and plans for the funeral, which made her beloved's death far too real. Seeing Natsuki for the last time before she was to be buried, however, was the breaking point. No one frowned when she placed the faintest ghost of a kiss on Natsuki's cheek. In fact, it only made every one weep more uncontrollably.
Now Shizuru was back to being alone. Physically, people were never in a shortage to come stop by her apartment and see how she was doing. But mentally she was blank, and in her heart, she was again incomplete.
Today was different. Shizuru actually planned on doing something today. She would read Natsuki's last will. Shizuru was currently left with all of Natsuki's possessions and she wanted to know what she would have to soon part with. Secure under her bedcovers and with the dear laptop safely in her lap, Shizuru booted the machine up and opened the file named "will." But soon she couldn't contain herself and silently her tears broke free yet again and peppered her cheeks as a small smile curved up her lips.
Hey Shizuru, it's Natsuki, obviously, and you better be the only one reading this right now like I told you to do! Anyways, I'll get the boring stuff out of the way first. You can keep all my stuff, I mean if you want to give something away to one of my friends then go ahead, but I think they'll understand. Now this next stuff really is my last words and I wanted them to be just to you.
Shizuru, I'm sorry. I'm not really sorry for being mean to you right away and everything because that's just how I am. What I am sorry for is turning you down, pushing away your advances, saying I didn't love you the way you love me. None of that should have happened because, well…you see Shizuru, I think I felt you.
Long before we met, before even my mom died and I was just a little girl, I think I felt you. If I held my hands out in front of me, I always felt like I was touching someone warm and kind and I just knew that someday I was gonna meet this someone.
When you hugged me for the first time, I felt it Shizuru. I could feel you were that phantom was before. Even when you gave me that little flower lesson when we first met, before I turned around and saw you your voice seeped into my body and I felt you.
So I think I knew you, in like a past life or something. Before we ever met I just knew who you were, maybe not your name or your face, but your presence. I always wanted to find your presence and when I did, I never wanted to lose it again like I must have in another time and place.
I'm getting worse Shizuru. I can finally feel this sickness starting to drag me down and I know you all know. You'll never know how awful I feel for not saying this with words, but I still had to let you know that I think I knew you once. And when I knew you, I loved you and if I loved you then, well feel safe knowing that I love you now and if I love you now, then I promise you, I'll love you when your presence comes and finds me once again.