In The Ground
That night was one of the hardest nights of my life. The night air was cold and crisp, the wind was rushing around me and the frozen ground made a slight crunching noise as I stepped out of my silver 2000 Isuzu Rodeo. "It's right over here," I heard my cousin call. She was yelling but it sounded as soft as a whisper next to the swishing air. "Kim, I'm not sure about this. Is it really necessary?" But even as I said the words I knew that my mind was made up. I was going to bury this in the ground before it killed me.
I made the decision earlier this evening. I was sitting on my bed; my legs crossed my laptop sitting in front of me. I had the cam on so I could see my boyfriend, Justin, the most wonderful man in the world. I had just gotten off the phone with my mother, and like always I was an emotional wreck. My eyes were puffy and red from crying and I was telling Justin about the whole fight. I was telling him about what I needed and how I felt. Of course it turned into another fight.
"Kris, I'm tired of trying. I give up. If you feel you really need to do it, then fine, whatever. Do what you want I'm through." Justin said. His voice was full of pain and he had a look of betrayal in his eyes. The way he looked away, it broke my heart. "Justin, you know how much I love you. You just don't understand. I need to do this. I can feel it; my skin is tingly with anticipation. Babe, I love you but I need to do this." I pleaded with him, tears filling my eyes, threatening to spill over. "Fine than Kris, just do it. I guess I'm not enough this time. I guess this is just one wall that you've put up that I can't climb over."
It broke my heart when he said he wasn't enough. I could actually feel it breaking; it was like someone was in my chest ripping my heart into a million pieces. "No Justin, you are enough. I'll get rid of it tonight. Kim and I are going out anyway. I'll call her and tell her there's a slight change of plans. She'll make sure that I go through with it." I promised him, putting as much confidence and sincerity as I could into my voice. "Baby, I promise you. I'll quit I'm really done this time. I love you." And that was it just like that his whole demeanor changed. He went from this sad, hopeless expression to pure joy. "I love you too. Thank you, Baby."
So I called Kim, we changed our plans. "I have the perfect spot to bury it. It's out in Mastic. I'll show you how to get there." This brings me back to the beginning of my story. I was starting to regret my decision, rethinking the whole thing. By now though it was too late, we were already in Mastic and I didn't know how to get home. I was certain that Kim would not show me the way home till it was buried in the ground.
We walked across the empty parking lot, it was close to 11 pm and the store had closed long ago. The only lighting came from a few street lamps that were scattered about on the road. The wind was unrelenting making it hard to not only hear each other but to talk as well. There were bare trees, whose leaves had long since fallen away. We walked over to the trees and with the heel of her black boots Kim struck the dirt at the base of one tree and said "Right here, this is where you'll bury it." I bent down, getting on my knees and dug a hole into the ground. It was difficult because the ground was frozen. I managed to dig a hole about as wide as a large cup lid from a fast food restaurant and it was probably as deep as a pill bottle. I placed the two shiny, silver razor blades into the hole and I covered them up with the dirt. I stood up with tears streaming down my face as I walked back to my car. The wind was still fierce and the night was still frigid but internally I felt peaceful and safe. I walked away with my cousin by my side ready to begin my new life. Finally free of my one true weakness.