That's it, he'd fucked up. Years of effort went into him trying not to admit any feelings that he possibly had for Gabriel, yet now he gravitated toward him at a scale as large as a fucking planetary alignment. He didn't know what he was trying to accomplish. Gabriel was married to his job, he was a terrorist now, everything Jack was doing was horribly inappropriate. He picked up the bottle of whiskey on his side table that he had bought after work that afternoon. He probably drank the least out of everyone on the team, besides McCree, but not tonight. Tonight he planned on getting as smashed as he possibly could, anything to forget the look on Gabriel's face when he said- no, fuck, no. He put the bottle to his lips, and, ignoring the burning at his palate, chugged. He felt wetness prick at his eyes as the liquor stung him, and he swore he could feel it going all the way down to his stomach. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and stumbled to the sofa at the end of his bed, plopping down onto it gracelessly. He stared at the TV remote on the floor, mentally shouting verbal abuse at it for being needed in the first place, then slunk down, deeper into the couch cushions, wishing momentarily that he could get so stuck between them, that he'd morph into a third cushion and never have to get up again.
They were doing basic recon at a nearby stakeout when Reaper appeared with a team to steal data from some local informants. They were face to face, fists up, and he had no idea why his stupid years-old crush on Gabriel decided to show itself all of a sudden. It was like a punch to the gut, it made him miserable, and it was probably making Gabriel miserable just about now too. Jack thought he could die from the shame and embarrassment of it all. He always felt a different warmth when he was around Gabriel back then; Gabriel just made him feel so much lighter, and since Overwatch disbanded years ago, he hadn't seen him, and he missed the idiot so much. He just wished he hadn't told him. Jack fell onto his side, feeling the whiskey mix with just about every brain cell he had left for the evening. He missed Gabriel, and he knew he definitely loved the guy, but it was the complete opposite of a good thing. He didn't want to need anybody, especially after the explosion. He hated that he was lonely all the time, he hated going back to an empty bed, and nobody in the room, except sometimes a cat, and even then, a cat could only be so comforting. Who was he kidding? Cats sucked when it came to being a good companion.
Jack propped himself up on one arm, just enough to get the whiskey bottle back to his lips, and he swallowed another large portion of it. He let himself fall back down onto the couch, splashing it all over his shirt. He didn't care, how could he? What was one shirt in the grand scheme of things? He sighed, he was being pathetic and he knew it. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for- dammit, if he just hadn't- fuck. Jack choked back a sob. This was ridiculous, he couldn't even let himself think about it, and then he just started crying? Goddammit, he was the biggest sack of shit he knew, and this just proved it. He buried his face in the crook of his elbow, his other hand holding the liquor, and was just about to have a good drunken cry, when there was a knock at his door.
"Fuck you!" He called out in a garbled voice. It occurred to him that he had no idea who it was, and he thought about that for a moment before yelling, "Fuck you, go away!" He put the whiskey bottle down on the floor, and sat up to cross his arms. Who in their right mind would bother him right now? It was, he looked at the clock, it was seven o'clock at night, he should be able to drink and wallow in self-pity in peace. He growled when the person knocked again, about 20 times in a row. That was fucking annoying. By some miracle, Jack managed to get to his feet, pick up the bottle of whiskey again, and stumble to the door. He didn't even bother looking through the peephole before opening it, careful not to spill his alcohol.
"What do you want?" It was Gabriel. Of all the people it could have been at his door, why did it have to be Gabriel? He glared the best he could, and attempted to shut the door in the man's face as dramatically as possible, but was stopped mid-swing by Gabriel's foot. He pushed against him, but in his drunken state there was no way he'd be strong enough. He huffed and went back to his sofa, ignoring the man the best he could, when in reality his heart was pounding in his ears and he thought he was going to vomit.
The next thing he knew, Gabriel was standing in front of him, looking down at him in exasperation. "You look like shit." He raised his eyebrow and cocked his head at him. He wasn't wearing his mask, and without it, Jack could see he was making that stupid face at him, the face he made when he pitied someone.
"Yeah well, you're ugly." Jack spat back, doing his best to convey through the syllables how much he did not want Gabriel there. The next thing he knew, Gabriel was gone from his sight and at his coffee maker. Jack half-heartedly lifted his head to see what he was doing. "Gabe, get out of my room." He groaned.
Gabriel marched back into the living room to stare at Jack's drunken, immobile form on the couch. He snatched the alcohol from his hand. Jack sputtered, but was too weak protest physically. Gabriel brought it into the bathroom, pouring what was left into the sink. He started to prepare coffee, and just waited for a minute, listening to Jack sniffling from the other side of the room. Gabriel couldn't help but wonder what was going through Jack's head, other than the fact that he was being a whiny bitch over practically confessing his love to him before he left work that afternoon.
When the coffee was ready, he poured a mug for Jack, and walked back into the living room. He smacked the drunken idiot on the head to get him to sit up, and forced it into his hand. Jack just glared at him. "Jack, you've been like a magnet on my location all week, I figured it was just the calm before the storm." He crossed his arms. "I'm not mad, but I figured you'd be going absolutely insane, and sure enough..."
Jack shot him the most indignant look he could muster. "Shut up. You don't know me anymore, you're never around me anymore, so fuck you, you practically left me." He took a sip of the coffee and cringed at the bitterness. He looked into the dark liquid, and saw his warped reflection looking very angry and very hurt right back at him. He felt it was a great image of what he was feeling right now, like shitty, cheap coffee.
Gabriel was taken aback. "Hey now, that's unfair. My work is a big deal to me, and it's kept me busy." He waited until Jack looked back up at him. "I never forgot about you, all right? I just haven't had much time for a personal life. I just, uh... What you said earlier, about needing me around... for, uh, more than just Overwatch-"
"Look, can we not talk about that, please? I lost my cool when I said it, I was having a rough time looking at you, and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I missed you, and it wasn't even the way I said it, was it? I could have told you in the most mocking, insulting way, shit." He took a large gulp of coffee, wishing it were the bottle of whiskey again. "I'm just sad, Gabriel. I'm sad, and I'm tired of being alone." He whispered.
Gabriel looked at Jack with sympathy. It was rare to see the man this vulnerable. Gabriel blamed it on the alcohol. "Your face gave you away, Jack." He wiped a drop of coffee off of Jack's wrist. "You didn't even have to say it." Jack turned his head away in shame, light from the kitchen casting a shine over his wet cheeks.
"Just go buy me more alcohol." He said, looking down. He stared at the burn scars on Gabriel's arm that was still touching his wrist. He swallowed, a sinking feeling in his stomach. He wished Gabriel wouldn't touch him, but he didn't really have the energy to move.
"No, you don't need it, Jack. In fact, you never needed it in the first place, you really had nothing to worry about." He pressed his thumb into Jack's palm, squeezing his hand. "Look, this is gonna be really fucking sappy man, but I miss you too, okay?"
"Yeah but you don't want me the way I want you." He stared up at the ceiling, "Fuck, I'm so drunk, I'm talking out of my ass, I have nothing left to lose, I hope I get struck by lightning." Jack slurred. He threw his head back into the sofa cushions, unable to look Gabriel in the eyes. God, he was being such a piece of shit.
Gabriel was bewildered. "Jack, what the fuck do you think I'm trying to say? Look, obviously I suck at this shit, but you're not even listening, you stupid idiot. I'm trying to tell you that I understand, I miss you a lot too, you're freaking out over nothing, you fucking moron." His eyes held a note of panic, that quickly turned into a fiery resolve. He took the coffee from Jack's hand, and set it on the floor before pulling him closer and deliberately pressing his lips to the other man's, reaching a hand up to cup Jack's face. He felt Jack inhale deeply against him.
Jack was slightly shocked, but too inebriated to react the way his brain was telling him he probably should. Instead, he ignored all of it and just felt the soft wetness of Gabriel's lips against his, and he closed his eyes and melted into his touch. He broke away and clutched Gabriel's shoulders, burying his face in the man's chest. He felt a pair of strong arms wrap around him, and he savored the touch, the feeling of another person, he needed it, missed it, and there was no other person he'd rather be with him right then, than Gabriel.
"I'm sorry." Jack whispered.
Gabriel looked down at him with gentle eyes, but didn't say anything, only squeezed him tighter, feeling Jack tremble slightly. He didn't know what else to say or do at the moment to comfort him, but he knew Jack was drunk and having a really rough time, so Gabriel just held onto him.
They stayed in that position for a while, until Gabriel heard light snoring beneath him. He looked at Jack sadly, hating himself for what he was about to do. He slipped out of the man's grasp as carefully as he could, then put a couch pillow under his head and covered him with an afghan from the bed. He took one more look at him, then retreated toward the balcony, closing the door quietly behind him. He sighed, looking back at Jack's room. He felt like the biggest asshole on the planet, but he just couldn't do it, he couldn't be the one for Jack, and it broke his heart to do it to him, but he had to leave. He set up his teleportation to get out of there before he was caught by other agents, not that he would be. He froze for a second, questioning his reasoning behind leaving like that, but he nodded to himself and sighed, deciding it would be for the best. He pulled out his mask, fixing it back into its usual position, and disappeared into a black smoke, gone from view in the blink of an eye.
Jack woke up the next morning to light filtering through the windows, burning his eyes. Somehow in the middle of the night, he had rolled off of his sofa onto the floor. He lay there staring at the front of the couch, wracking his brain for the reason there was a sinking feeling in his gut. That's when he remembered Gabriel. Everything he did yesterday, and kissing, and then waking up just now. Gabriel wasn't there, that obviously meant something. Jack curled up into himself, hugging his knees to his chest. He was thinking that maybe he'd just stay in his room that day to ride out this physical and emotional hangover.