Reunion

Author's Note: A post-Shamballa royai ficcy for dear Flametal-chan on her birthday!! Enjoy!! –Riss
Ps. Lyrics at the end don't belong to me. They were mentioned in the book 'White Gardenia' as a partial translation of a Russian song but I couldn't find the title or the rest of the lyrics on the net. Anywho- hope you like!! And happy birthday Flametal!!

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I missed you while you were gone. Everyone did, but especially me. I thought that everything was going so well before you left- the Fuhrer President had fallen from power and my own grandfather had risen in the ranks to take charge of Amestris' corrupt military. You were injured and I was distraught over that- miserable for a long time- but then you whispered those sweet words to me… You told me that my imperfections made me beautiful and I really believed it. I really did…

Every waking moment was spent in your presence. I was smiling, laughing- happy just being myself with you. I took up residence with you in your home and I took care of you when you were injured. We went everywhere together, didn't we?

Then one day you left, saying that it wasn't enough anyway… that after everything that had happened, it just wasn't enough. And I tried so hard to hate you for it. I had held my heart out to you and you had shoved it back in my face… I tried so hard to make myself believe that…

But I couldn't. I knew that you were still hurting, and I only hated myself for not being able to help you this time. It was my fault. My love was insufficient, but it was all I had to offer you. I was a broken woman without you. I was alone, scared… yet oddly determined to be able to stand alone.

I didn't want to be one of the many women that you disappointed, and yet I knew that that was exactly what I was. I may not have bared myself to your lustful gaze. I may not have given my virginity to you. I may not have, even once, in desperation, had the untold pleasure of pressing my lips to yours… but it hurt all the same.

More, even.

Because those girls didn't love you- you cast them aside and you treated them like the whores they were… but I am the one who feels the most unclean- the most impure and useless. I am the one who is in the most pain.

Your leaving those women disappointed them, to be sure, but you didn't break their hearts- you couldn't, even if you wanted to.

Mine breaks every time I hear your name.

-

"Riza…"

I don't look up from my work at first. I know that it is you there, but at the same time, I pray that it isn't. Your voice –so sweet and familiar… I pray desperately that it belongs to someone else.

Eventually, my eyes flicker upwards towards your face. Your face is clean and your eyes are sharp. For a moment you look exactly like the man that you used to be… but then I look again and your eyes are sunken, your chin is marked by rough stubble and the contrasting black of your eye patch makes your skin look pallid and sickly. I know that you have not been a well man since you left.

I saw you just before Edward disappeared again- you waved merrily as you rode away and, though I knew that you left me behind for my own protection, I was infuriated by it. Because I wasn't there when it happened, and when you came back you were changed and there was nothing I could do. I didn't know what had happened and you wouldn't tell me- how was I supposed to understand and help you overcome it?

We separated again after that and now you stand before me once again- still that same hopeless man that you were when I last saw you; still searching for something beyond you- beyond anyone.

You stand before me once again, oddly reminiscent of the young boy I once knew- except different… because that young boy would come to me when he scraped his knee and allow me to bandage it up, even when my salves stung him… even then, he didn't pull away, or hide himself like you do now.

You cringe under my even gaze. Can you blame me? Can you blame me for wanting to know where we stand with each other right now? Have you come to apologize- to put yourself down and bemoan your sufferings? …Or have you come to me again, as that child. Will you let me help this time? I pray that you will.

I stand up and walk around my desk to stand in front of you. You turn to face me and a single tear escapes his dark eyes- I wipe your eyes gently with the back of my hand before any more can fall. You look at me wonderingly, and it's as though you can't believe that I still care for you. Idiot. You should know by now that I could never get over you- never forsake you. You should know how dearly I hold every memory I have of you.

"Riza..."

Your voice is weak and raspy. When was the last time you spoke to anyone? When was the last time you had a glass of water? Are you ill? I find myself naturally worried about you.

"I'm… so sorry."

"I don't want your apologies, sir," I reply and all of a sudden I am unable to bring my voice above a whisper. "I just want to know whether or not that you're back for good this time. I… I can't risk allowing myself to hope again that you will change- that we will ever get back to the way we were."

"I can't promise that we will, Riza," you say. "But I'll try."

Your hand appears on my cheek and I am filled with an overwhelming desire for you- to feel you against me- to have you fill the emptiness in my heart… I pressed my cheek into your hand and my eyes flutter slightly so that they become half-lidded. I sigh softly as I look up at you. You're watching me with tender loving eyes that make me shiver. I can feel my face flushing and, for once, I don't care. I only care about you. You and your hands on me…

At that moment the door bangs open and Havoc sticks his head in.

"Chief!!" he cries, eyes wide. "Miss Sheska told me that you've just been reassigned your old position! Is it true?! Are you really back for good?!"

I step away from you cautiously when you don't answer. I am preparing myself for disappointment now and I keenly feel the cold where your warm palm had previously been resting on my cheek.

"Yes," you say eventually and I see the corners of your eyes crinkle in mirth. "I'm staying this time."

The smile you smile then takes several years off of your face. You turn to me, smiling it and I smile too- unable to help myself. "Sir?" I say- just to be sure.

"I'm sorry for making you all worry." You say 'all' but you are looking at me. Just me.

I hear the door close and footsteps leading away. Havoc has left.

"I've been waiting so long to see you return," I whisper, then. Your arms come around me and I breathe in deep of your scent. You murmur sweet things in my ear and then your lips trail down my jaw to my mouth. I can feel the tiniest prickle of your stubble on my chin and I giggle at the tickling sensation. You smile again. I love your smile.

I can't believe it. I really can't. Everything has changed so quickly. You are not in the best health and your state of mind could probably be better and you look awful… but you're back. You're back and you're staying. All of my doubts and fears have suddenly been lifted. With you here with me again, my course of action is clear and my goal in life is redetermined.

I think that from here, things may actually start going right again now.

You bury your face in my neck and I can feel your lips moving against my skin. "Riza," you whisper. "I want you to protect my back. Do you understand? To entrust my back to you means that you can shoot me from behind anytime. If I step off the path, shoot and kill me with those hands. You are qualified to do that. Will you follow me?"

I understand what you mean. It is a renewal of vows- needed as much now, maybe more, than it was after the Ishbal war. I have twice now failed in my duty to shoot you from behind and I don't doubt that I will fail again in the future. But this time I will not fail to protect you. This time, I will remain vigilant.

We will do it together.

"Understood," I say, rubbing your back gently as you nuzzle my neck. "If that is your wish, then even into hell."

"Live, and let's change this country together."

-

They told me you would never return, but I didn't believe them.
Train after train returned without you, but in the end I was right.
As long as I can see you in my heart, you are with me always.