Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the book so please don't sue.
A/N: This is a SBJP pairing, which, you've got it, means slash! There a bit of angst at the beginning, but I think it becomes more fluffy nearer the end!
'Come on James, we need to get to the ball now,' Sirius banged on the bathroom door. James had been the last one out of the Marauders to get ready for the ball, letting everyone else go through before him.
Sitting on the bath tub, James was still wearing the same scruffy jeans and thick jumper he had been wearing all day, his hair still looked as though he had just stepped off a broom and his trainers still scuffed everywhere. He had made no effort to get ready.
'Just go without me, you'll be late, I'll be there in a few minutes; I'm almost ready.' James yelled back, not making a single sign he was going to move.
'I can wait, just hurry it up.' Was the retort James got back. Remus and Peter had already gone to the ball since their dates had come knocking slightly early but Sirius had decided not to go with anyone, and as far as anyone was concerned, James' date was top secret, everyone guessing who he was going with. All that his friends, as well as the rest of Hogwarts knew was that he had a date and one of the dances, the first one which opened the ball, was going to with Lily Evans, the head girl since he was the head boy.
James rolled his eyes; this was not going to plan. 'Look, Siri, just go, I'm fine. You'll see me there, I've got to open the dance remember.'
'Okay, if you insist,' Sirius conceded, and listening carefully at the door, James waited for the dorm door to click shut before unlocking the bathroom door and stepping into the Marauders dorm. It was strange for him to see it so empty. Normally Remus was lying on a bed with a thick book, Peter either eating or playing with a set of muggle or exploding snap cards and Sirius generally causing mischief and noise no matter what he was doing.
Heading over to his bed, he flopped down, pulling out a notebook and began writing.
December 24th 1976
Dear Mum,
Hey, it's James again and it's Christmas Eve. I don't know if they have Christmas where you are now, but it's almost that time of year for us. I told you last time I was made Head Boy and I'm sure you're proud of me, or at least I hope so, but I have to wonder what you think of me at the moment.
The Christmas Ball is today, and I'm not going. I'm supposed to be opening the ball tonight, but I'm not going. I actually found another guy and gave him some polyjuice to take for the hour, and he agreed to take it. I suppose I should explain that, you remember how much I liked that red headed girl, Lily Evans? Well, she said she could never love me the way I was, and after your death, I changed, not just because of the Death Eaters, but so she would like me.
Turns out, she really does hate me, no matter how much I changed for her. So this Christmas, I gave her a gift, I left her alone. I've stopped asking her out all year, but for this ball, I found out who it was she really liked. He asked her before I even had the chance to, unlike what you say; I do eventually take the hint. I found him and let him have some of my hairs in the potion. He can now stay with Lily all evening without having to put up with me taking her for the first dance, I have no one I can go with, cos lets face it mum, neither of them will ever love me back, so it's hardly a trauma not going.
I suppose there must be something about me that just puts people off liking me. I did everything to try and get Lily, I loved her, but no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, she hated me.
Then there's Sirius, you know, the other person I can't go with. I know you always told me just to tell him how I feel, but really, he's about the straightest guy on the planet and I'm not. How do you think he'll react when he finds out I'm bisexual? Would I be accepted by the other Marauders? I know Remus is tolerant of some things, but sharing a dorm for seven years with a guy who also has an interest in sleeping with guys? I suppose the same can be said of Peter, and as for Sirius, I know his background. Even if he doesn't accept his parents views, who knows if he'll share their views on homosexuality? And then, just to make it worse, I love him as well.
It's amazing, some people will love one person all their lives, others will love more than one person during their lives, and yet I have to love two different people at the same time, and neither one will ever love me back. I really wish you were here to tell me what you think, am I really as hopeless as I think I am?
I suppose really it doesn't matter now, in a few months, we'll leave Hogwarts, and I'll move on again. I'll find a guy who actually likes guys as well, or maybe I'll find a nice girl who can love me, not forcing me to change into someone I don't want to be. And yet…Lily was an ideal. Someone who was stable, I knew was safe, wouldn't hurt me, and yes Mum, I did love her, but like she wanted for me, there were things I wanted to change about her; just like she tried to make me do. We would never have worked I suppose, I only hope she's happy with him.
Then there was Sirius though, he is perfect. I love everything about him. I know I've told you hundreds of times, listing everything I love about him over and over to you, but you always did listen. I never want him to change, if anything, I want to be more like him. He has the guts to do what he wants; he defied his own family to do what he believed. I still can't tell my own friends who I really am. Sirius is handsome and cool, I'm just the one who can never get his hair to lie flat and half the time trips over his own feet whenever he's off a broom. Thank Merlin for my friends' covers otherwise I'd be the laughing stock with my clumsiness.
I think I've gone off topic again, but I've probably made my point. Maybe that's why I could never get with either of them; let's face it, a girl who will never love me no matter what I do, and a straight guy who happens to be my best friend. Hell, I couldn't even keep my best friend living with me; he escaped at the first chance he got. I need help. I really do wish you were still with me, but these letters do give me a connection to you, I can almost imagine you reading these letters, (maybe that should be long ramble????) and laughing over my pathetic complaints,. Or maybe clicking your tongue in sympathy, who knows, but it gives me some comfort that you'd read it.
I think I'll go outside for a while, just in case they realise I've skipped out on the ball. Not likely though, Sirius will probably have found some girl there and having the time of his life, and I know Peter and Remus won't notice, especially with their dates. I'm really glad they found someone, makes me feel even more inadequate, but it's nice to see them so happy. And I'm being depressing again, so until tomorrow; I'll let you know how Christmas goes then,
From you're loving son
James.
Looking up from his letter, James gave a sigh; he really did miss his mum so much. She always knew how to cheer him up, how to reassure him, make him feel good about himself. Things haven't been right since the Death Eaters took her in the summer holidays, Dad had been gone even longer; his was just a Wizarding disease that took him when James was just a child. It had been so long James barely remembered the man now, only his laughter and cheery smile, it was more from photos that he could visualise the mans face. His mum though, they had been close, very close. They had to be, they were all they had after his Dad's death. Sirius had moved in for a while, but moved back out again; maybe that was James' fault as well. Maybe he had driven Sirius out if his house, he obviously couldn't stand to remain in the same house as him for too long.
Tears began to roll down his face, his eyes beginning to blur. Grabbing his invisibility cloak, James fled from the dorm, heading higher and higher, unconsciously taking all of the shortcuts he and the other Marauders had discovered over the years until he finally reached somewhere he felt he wouldn't be discovered. Going to the edge of the astronomy tower, he climbed up onto the ledge, picking a spot he could lean back onto the roof and dangled his feet over the edge. It was a fantastic view, he could see everything, there was no wish to jump or anything like that; it was simply a nice view, especially with the snow that covered everything. Regretting not grabbing any warmer clothing, he quietly cast a heating charm on himself.
He had no idea how much time had passed before he felt the snow beginning to fall. The tears that had come so quickly earlier, came and went as his mind ran around in circles, what was his fault, what was simply bad luck and how he was planning to improve things after he left Hogwarts.
'James?' A voice called from behind startling James. Twisting on the wall, James let his legs dangle onto the stone ground, there were so many protective charms around the tower it was impossible to fall or jump from there, so even if James had leant backwards, he couldn't have gone anywhere.
'So I guess you found me.' James stated dryly, he suppose he shouldn't be as surprised as he was that he had been found, but he could have sworn if his friends saw him doing the opening dance and was around for the next hour, they wouldn't think any more about him.
'Yes, wasn't too hard to figure something was up when you firstly wouldn't tell us who you're date was, you never bought any dress robes, you refused to walk with us to the ball and then somehow you managed to get from the dorm bathroom to the hall before I did without passing me or looking as though you had run. Good dancing though.' Sirius commented blandly as though they were discussing the snow. 'Then there was this,' Sirius held out a piece of paper and James blanched.
'You read my personal things!' James demanded, angry at his best friend for doing so, but also dreading what Sirius was going to do next. Sirius looked sheepish.
'I know, and I'm really sorry about doing so, but it was on the bed, and I saw Mum, and my name written, and I'm sorry, I guess I was just curious.' Sirius tried to explain.
'So I guess this is the part where you hit me, tell me I'm sick, or a pervert or something disgusting or,' James had gotten up and began pacing as he spoke, tears once again beginning to threaten to fall before Sirius interrupted him.
'You are none of those things James; and I guess you've been assuming just as much as I've been making assumptions about you.' James looked at his friend in shock.
'What do you mean?' James looked confused, forgetting even to disagree with Sirius' disagreement.
'I'm gay Jimmy.' James' jaw dropped as he stumbled back into sitting on the wall.
'What? But, all those girls?'
'Decoys so my family wouldn't guess, and yes, I do very much disagree with my families views on homosexuality.'
'Why didn't you tell me?' James finally asked as he processed everything, Sirius just shrugged.
'Thought you already knew, Remus and Peter knew.' James stood up again and wandered over to the nearby wall, leaning against it heavily.
'Guess that just adds blind idiot to my other wonderful qualities,' James muttered, depressed at how he could miss something so big in one of his closest friends.
'James, you aren't blind-' James snorted at this.
'Really? Then how come I miss everything. I spent 6 years trying to get Lily to like me even a miniscule, believing maybe if I changed everything about me she may like me, to guess what? Her still hating me! I then find out that everyone else knew about you, and yet I had no clue until you told me! So please, do tell me I'm not blind!' James shot back, angry and full of sarcasm, his words biting.
'James, I never wanted people to know, and you're one to talk! I had no idea you were bisexual!' Sirius instantly retorted, his eyebrows raised.
'Maybe because I had no clue how you'd react? You gave me no indication at all, no hints or anything about your feelings, as far as I knew; they could have been the same as your parents! Why would I risk our friendship for that?'
'You should have trusted me!'
'Well it goes both ways you know, you could have trusted me!'
'This is getting us nowhere.' Sirius sighed his eyes dropped, refusing to meet James' gaze anymore.
'Just go back to the ball, find the person you want to be with, I'm fine.' James deflated, giving a look to show he was apologising for what he had said and forgave Sirius for not telling him, the argument was over. Sirius nodded to show he accepted the apology and he too had forgiven James.
'I'm not going anywhere though, I'm with the person I want to be.' Sirius stated firmly, not moving from his spot.
'Siri, I get we're friends and we should stick by each other, but just go. Have some fun tonight, I'm fine.' James rolled his eyes, barely noticing his friend doing the same.
'James, you really can be oblivious some times. It's one of the things I love most about you; I want to be with you tonight.' James looked up startled.
'No you don't, you just read my letter and feel sorry for me, but thanks for trying.' Potter shook his head, heading back to the door into the school.
'You really are stubborn aren't you? Its one of the other qualities I love about you, it wasn't your foolishness that kept you going after Lily, it was a mixture of stubbornness and the fact you loved her, that's it. You aren't a fool or stupid or anything like that, you loved her, she's the fool and led you on by making you think if you changed she'd like you. I wasn't your fault.' Sirius patiently explained, reassuring his friend.
'Thanks, guess I needed to hear that,' James smiled softly; he knew Sirius wouldn't lie to him about something like that.
'Jamie, just talk to us if you having problems, you always have done in the past, why not now?' Sirius asked as he got up and walked over to his friend, placing a hand on James' cheek.
'I guess it's the thought we're leaving after this year, will we still be as close after we leave, you've already shown you don't want to be around me too much outside of Hogwarts, so what will happen after we leave?' James' voice cracked slightly as he revealed what had been worrying most.
'This about me leaving isn't it?' James nodded, the hand on his cheek never loosing contact. 'I'm sorry, I had no idea it affected you that much. I just didn't want to put your Mum out even more than she already had, I just wanted to get a bit more freedom, it was nothing to do with you,' Sirius pulled his friend into his arms, giving him a tight hug, James placed his head in Sirius' shoulder in comfort. 'I'm always going to be with you James, no matter what, you and me will never be apart.'
'Promise.' James' voice was muffled by his friend's robes and he didn't move his head.
'Promise,' was the immediate response, his voice as quiet as James'. 'Now come on, let's go to the ball.'
'No one to go with,' James replied, trying to cover a yawn, he really didn't want to leave Sirius' arms, but knew he really should, after all, even after what his friend had said, he only meant it as friends, the love part, didn't he?
'Well, if you wanted to, I mean…if you haven't changed your mind or anything or fallen for someone else, maybe we could…if you want to that is go together, as boyfriends? If you wanted to date me that is but I won't force you or anything,' Sirius stammered, finding it hard to get his words out. James lifted his head up, looking into Sirius' eyes, hardly believing what he was hearing.
'You're asking me out? As in, we start dating kind of thing, not just tonight but as in possible in the future to move in and marry kind of thing?' James clarified; Sirius bit his lip and nodded. 'I'd love to,' James blushed slightly, ducking his head, Sirius grinned.
'You mean it?' He asked excitedly and James nodded. Sirius let out a whoop of glee and hugged James even tighter.
'I do believe Mr Padfoot we have a ball to get to now,' James smiled, 'would you care to be my date?'
'Only if you don't wear that!' Sirius retorted and James grinned, if at all possible, even wider. Taking his wand, he transfigured his muggle clothing into a set of smart dress robes that complimented Sirius' well, before transfiguring his trainers into something smarter. 'Wow! You look fantastic!' Sirius complimented him.
'Well you ain't too shabby either,' James replied as the two of them headed towards the ball. Going inside, James was thankful to see the ball still in full swing, and even more thankfully, couldn't see another version of himself. Neither one of the paid any attention to the decorations that decorated the hall, Sirius because he had already admired them, and James since he had been the one to design what was going where, and then had to help decorate the place.
Sirius took his date onto the dance floor and the two of them began to dance slowly to the music, ignoring the looks everyone else was giving them and the whispers that shot around the room.
'Siri, I'm sorry, didn't you want to keep your sexuality a secret?' James looked worried, realising what they had just done. As he tried to pull away, Sirius only held him tighter.
'I don't care what anyone thinks, I want them to know you aren't single, I want then to know we're together, that you're mine.'
'And you're mine. Perfect.' James smiled, relaxing again. 'What about your family?'
'Screw them, I don't care about them. They disowned me, and if you're willing to put up with the usual taunts from people, including from my family, I can live with it.' Sirius told his boyfriend quietly.
'I can live with that too.' James replied as he pulled closer to his partner.
The song gradually came to a finish, signalling the end of the ball as the clock struck midnight. Neither of them knew who had started it, but slowly their faces drifted together until finally their lips touched in a short but electrifying kiss as they felt a spark between them. Pulling back, neither said a word, there was no need to; they both knew what they had felt.
Following the massing crowds, they headed back up the dorms, neither able to get the happy grins off their faces. While it had been short their time at the ball, they had enjoyed themselves.
th 1976
Dear Mum,
I know I normally don't write two days in a row, but I thought I'd probably better keep you up to date. Sirius read my last letter! Yes, I probably should be angry, but considering it lead to us dating, I suppose I can forgive him!! He came up to where I was a little after, and after some nice words, he asked me out, and then I asked him to the ball with me and we both agreed! I have a boyfriend!!!! I know you'd be proud I found someone I love, and I only wish you could meet him, yes I know you've met Sirius on many, many occasions, he's even lived with us, but you haven't met him as my boyfriend.
After the ball, we only got there for the last dance, but it was a great dance, we kissed! It was fantastic. Then we went to the dorm and to bed. I stayed in Sirius' bed and we talked and kissed all night.
No, I did not have sex with him Mum, but I really can't wait til I do! And yes I do blame you for being so outspoken!!! I get the feeling Sirius is the one I'll probably end up marrying, but unfortunately probably no grandkids for you, unless one of us takes a male pregnancy potion. Maybe me since I know Sirius likes his figure too much and I love kids, then again, maybe I ought to wait a bit before I tell him this! We've barely had one date and I'm already thinking about marriage and kids, he'll probably end up running for the hills!
Siri likes his freedom too much, it was why he moved out so quickly, but I have to wonder if you already knew this. You never questioned him when he went which leads me to wonder…Hmm, back to the point, a husband and kid would tie him down; he's most likely not ready for that. Guess I'll just have to play it by ear and pray he never reads this letter!!! Remind me to hide this letter after I finish writing it!
Anyway, Sirius is fantastic. He's kind, funny, not that I didn't know this before but it's just different somehow now we're dating, and I think he loves me, for me. He's nothing like Lily. Her, I think you would have liked, but I doubt you'd think she was good for me, Sirius on the other hand, I remember you always telling me he and I would be perfect together when I told you I liked him, and I suppose you were right. It's annoying really how you are always right, okay, maybe not always, I mean that advice on what to do with a chicken really doesn't work. I shudder remembering it!
It was strange this morning. I almost began crying after I had opened all my presents, there was nothing from you. I must have blanked that you wouldn't be there, I just kept expecting a gift, or even a card from you. I never even thought you wouldn't be you wouldn't be able to. I had to stay this Christmas to help organise the ball, so I never gave it another thought. It's been six months since the Death Eaters came, and here at Hogwarts, it's so easy to forget you aren't at home. When I was there, it was so eerily obvious, but so soon after I was brought to Hogwarts, and I guess I keep you alive in these letters. Sirius even had to stop me buying you a gift, instead the four of us, the Marauders, we paid for a large display of flowers on your grave. Hope you like them; they were your favourites as well as flowers that are favourites each of us to you; Lupines from Remus, Gerberas from Peter, Chrysanthemums from Sirius and yellow roses from me.
It's almost time for the Christmas lunch and if I don't go soon, people will come looking for me. Oh, and as for Remus and Peter, turns out they are really accepting of us; both were thrilled to know we were together. Of course there were the jokes this morning about who was on top last night, how it was, how tired were this morning; was it a good Christmas present? Believe me, we heard them all! After those jokes and a little talk about me and Sirius being together and what really happened last night, we opened our presents.
So, wherever you are Mum, Happy Christmas, I miss you. It isn't right without you here. (And Sirius, if you have read this, I'm not angry, but please do tell me you have! Just don't get too scared! You know how I ramble when I talk and write, any thoughts just come out of me!) Ahem, I'm back Mum!
Merry Christmas from your ever loving son
James.
Sitting at the table, James steadily ate his turkey, barely aware of anyone around him. There were fewer people around today as everyone who had stayed for the ball had been given portkeys from Hogsmead to their homes so they could be with their families for Christmas, leaving a few people from each year. None of the Marauders, nor Lily and her boyfriend had gone home, allowing the tables to all be put together as the students ate with the professors.
Across from James were Professors McGonagall, Dumbledore, Sprout, Yukly, the new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher to name a few of the professors.
'Mr Potter; that was quite nice dancing last night; well done on the ball as well, very well organised, especially the part where Mr Thomas forgot that polyjuice potion only lasts an hour.' Dumbledore started a conversation, causing Lily's boyfriend to blush and James to smile as he came out of his daze.
'Thank you sir, I suppose we all learnt something then last night.' James answered with his usual cheeky grin. 'I did open the ball last night after all, even if I wasn't there, I don't believe there is any rule against that?'
'Indeed not,' Dumbledore agreed; the twinkle as usual in his eye.
'Hey Jimmy,' Sirius greeted his boyfriend, kissing him briefly on the lips, causing James to smile as he turned away from the Headmaster to face his boyfriend. A number of the teachers looked happy as well at the development, while they may have built up a tolerance to the boys antics over the years, they always did have a soft spot for the marauders.
'Hey, alright?'
'Sure, but I think I should be asking you that, not doing too well?' Sirius looked concerned, James knew he had been watching him all morning to make sure he was okay, especially since this was the first Christmas without his Mum.
'I'm doing okay I think.' James answered, and it was true, he did feel okay. It was finally sinking in she was gone, and the pain finally starting to go, he could now think of her more without wanting to cry at the memories.
'Good, I'm glad, there's something I wanted to talk with you after we eat, is that okay?' Sirius checked, James almost groaned at the mischievous grin that had spread across his boyfriends face.
After finishing their meal, Sirius dragged his boyfriend upstairs to their bed.
'So, you want to have my babies and marry me?' Sirius grinned and James groaned burying his head in the pillow on Sirius' bed where the two of them were laying.
'Oh Merlin! You really did read it didn't you? Are you umm… err,' James wasn't too sure where the sentence was going, his voice muffled by the pillow. Sirius laughed.
'Scared? Happy? Put off? Leaving you?'
'All of the above?' James replied weakly.
'I'm not leaving you for one thing.' James relaxed a little. 'I'm honoured you want that, happy you have no plans to leave me, and in the future, after Hogwarts, I'd love to marry you and have a family with you, just…lets date a bit before we try it!' James peered out from his pillow, his glasses pressing too much into his face.
'Really?'
'Really,' Sirius confirmed, rolling James over so he could see the other boy before planting a kiss on James' lips. Smiling, James pulled his boyfriend to him before settling a longer, deeper kiss.
'I can live with that but I will hold you to it!' James decided firmly.
'I'll remember that,' Sirius chuckled before kissing James again, he could get used to this.
'You did keep your promise.' James murmured as he laid his head on his husband's bare chest.
'Hmm, what?' Sirius looked confused as he could barely stay awake.
'You promised one day you'd marry me and we'd have a family, you kept your promise.' James explained, and Sirius became more awake, smiling at James and placing a hand on his husband's swollen stomach, their child growing inside him.
'Did you doubt me?' Sirius queried with amusement.
'I was beginning to wonder, it's been six years since we left Hogwarts, Peter died two years ago in that Death Eater raid, Remus is married with their first child born and second on the way, I was wondering if you were seeing how bad it was going to be and then try and get out of it.' James admitted; it had been two years since they had married and although Sirius had eventually married him, he had been wondering about children, what Sirius really thought about them or whether he had felt James was pushing him. 'Did I force you to do this? Did you really want this life?' James suddenly looked up, worried this wasn't what Sirius really wanted.
'James, I love you, I love our child and this is most definitely where I want to be. There is nothing else I want more.' Sirius reassured him, leaning forwards to meet James lips in a brief but loving kiss.
'Thank you for giving me all this.'
'I should be thanking you really. Even in all this darkness around us, you are my light in everything, you are my everything.' Sirius replied softly.
'And you mean everything to me.' James gave a smile before gasping. 'Hey, you feel that?' He looked excited and Sirius grinned as he nodded.
'She kicked! Our little girl kicked!' Sirius laughed, James joining in. 'We're a family, a real family, nothing like those people who gave birth to me. We'll raise her right, she'll be happy be with us.'
'That she will,' James agreed. They prayed nothing ever happened to their child like it did to the Longbottoms' son, Neville. He'd lost both parents when becoming the boy-who-lived, but at least Voldemort was gone for now, they could raise her without danger. Neither one of them could wait for the birth, and Remus was ready to take on his role as godfather, just a few more moths to go. Settling down to sleep, both of them smiled at the way things had turned out, happy with their lives.
December 25th 1983
It was a girl Mum! Your granddaughter was a girl! Emily Louise Potter-Black, 7 pounds three ounces today at 5.53 in the morning. We thought you'd like the name; we named her after you, Emily. We both miss you; and we wish you could meet her, but she has my hair and Sirius' looks and grey eyes. You'd love her. Off to be parents,
Love from all three of us (as well as Remus, her godfather, who is here with us),
James, Sirius and our beautiful Emily Potter-Black
The End