I don't own Gakuen Alice or any of the characters. This story is manga-based, and takes place after chapter 43; the arc of chapters 29-45 (Stolen Alices arc).

Anything in "italic quotes" are lines quoted from the manga (or, in the case of the last couple, someone in the fic).

Additional note: A "senpai" is what one calls an upperclassman or someone that has more knowledge of a similar subject of study.

Pillar

"You should go back to your dorms. Pretend nothing has happened, and continue your usual routines."

Tsubasa resisted a sigh as he snuck back into his room via the window. "Pretend nothing has happened"…huh? Easier said than done, senpai.

Though, despite the emotional turmoil, there was also a slight detachment. Did it really happen? Did they really infiltrate the high school section, travel via warpholes, and actually meet some of the biggest players of the anti-Alice movement?

Tsubasa closed his window and just stared outside. And to top it off…Narumi knows to some extent what happened, not all of us were able to come back, and Natsume's body is in bad condition…

A frown made its way to his face. Just like with Kaname…it's just like that, all over again. And nothing I can do, either.

The teen finally pulled himself away from the window. He was exhausted, but at the same time, didn't want to go to sleep. When we came back, I gave a report to Tono, Sakurano-senpai and Imai-senpai. It was easy to give the report. Like I wasn't even there…or recounting a dream but in vivid detail.

A throb in his shoulder reminded him that it was hardly a dream.

Tsubasa gingerly rubbed his injured shoulder, then smiled ruefully. I couldn't save Penguin for Mikan…I couldn't do anything to help Natsume's condition…and we only got half of what we went for in the first place.

Tears of frustration pricked the corners of his eyes, but he quickly pushed them back down. He let his hand drop back to his side, and clenched it into a fist.

Going back, he had been fine. Even telling the upperclassmen what happened…and then he smiled at Mikan and the others afterwards.

He had to, after all. He was older than they were…

That meant he had to be more responsible. Though Tono said that he would take responsibility, and they had an elaborate cover…Tsubasa was the one that was there. He was the one that was supposed to keep them out of trouble. The one supposed to keep them safe.

That had been the entire reason he was told to go with them. Though, he probably would have volunteered, anyway, knowing Mikan was getting involved in something dangerous. The girl was like a little sister to him…he couldn't just let her walk into danger if he could do something about it…

"Senpai…Penguin is…! I want to go back! I want to go back and save Penguin! I…!"

Tsubasa swore and glared at the ground. He couldn't prevent it. Mikan's tears…Penguin letting go to save them…

He could still see it. Holding onto Mikan, his back burning from the falling rubble, Penguin looking up and smiling at them…

…right before it let go of the rock.

The little creature falling down into the endless darkness below…

And I couldn't do anything but watch.

Tsubasa swore and slammed his fist down on the desk.

I was responsible…and I let that happen.

Penguin, who had clumsily tried to help from the beginning…who was part of the cause of the incident with the alcohol-grapes…who was able to get the medicine vial when it fell from Mikan's pocket…

…who sacrificed itself so we could escape.

He had been helpless. There wasn't anything he could do. The only thing he could do then was get the kids out. He had to just about pull Mikan away from the hole and get her to the portal.

And afterwards…

Even Ruka had tears in his eyes.

Even Natsume seemed sad.

And Mikan…

Her sobs had cut right through him.

Maybe he had spoken harshly…but there was nothing else he could think of to say. He had to make her realize that Penguin was gone. Had to try to get her to understand something that she shouldn't have to think about for years.

Death and loss.

Tsubasa stared out the window again, though his vision blurred a bit from tears. He hadn't experienced it before then, either. A comrade giving up its life…it wasn't 'human', but it was still with them.

Despite the steady throbbing in his shoulder, he once again clenched his hands into fists. He didn't know death until then…but loss…

Kaname.

His friend wasn't dead, true…and he still hoped that they would find some sort of cure for those like him. But when he saw what the Academy was making Kaname do…and when he first saw Kaname coughing up blood…

He had been scared.

Even when he saw the same thing happen to Natsume on their 'mission'…he had been scared.

Because history was repeating itself.

Because it was someone he knew.

Because there was nothing he could do.

A sudden knock at his door nearly made him jump. Instead, he just walked over. He had a feeling he knew who it was…after all, there were only a few people that got completely involved in what happened.

The voice confirmed it. "Tsubasa?"

Tsubasa opened the door to reveal Misaki Harada.

The girl was a bit sheepish…after all, she had been caught by Narumi, which revealed the fact that an enigmatic teacher knew something about Mikan and the group 'vanishing' for two days.

Tsubasa just forced a small smile on his face. "It's late, you know."

"I stayed up to wait…" Misaki shrugged slightly. Once I was found out…and the time limit was up long ago, anyway…wasn't a point of me staying there…

"Hmm…you're acting weird. You get dumped or something?" Tsubasa grinned.

Misaki flushed, then whacked him over the head. "Idiot!"

Tsubasa laughed and rubbed the spot, then stepped aside for her to come in. "That's more like the Misaki I know."

A bit red in the face, Misaki entered. "Geez…"

Tsubasa shrugged and closed the door. It wouldn't do to cause a racket at that time of night, after all.

"I was worried, you lug." Misaki rounded on him. "When Narumi caught me…and then there was the thought of 'what is that idiot and the kids doing, right now'…"

Tsubasa gave a small shrug, then hid a grimace of pain. "We got back. So, nothing to worry about, now."

Misaki studied him. He won't look directly at me. And there's something off about his smile. She tried not to worry about the traces of dirt on his uniform. "What aren't you telling me?"

Tsubasa seemed to start at that. Was I that transparent…?

Misaki strode over to him, and stared him down.

Tsubasa tried to laugh it off. "Wh-What are you talking about? We went in, got the medicine, and came back…" A stab of guilt hit him. Though, not everyone came back…

Misaki said nothing, but rather, just whacked him over the head again.

"Ow! What was that for!?"

"If you're going to lie, make it convincing! You've always been like that, idiot! Hiding your pain…did you think I couldn't tell!?" Misaki shouted as loud as she dared, what with the time of night it was.

Tsubasa froze, eyes wide.

Misaki visibly calmed. "I know when you're worried about something. And it's not like I don't know what's been going on with this. Tono knows, right?"

Tsubasa dropped his hand from his head and looked away. "The facts, yea."

"What happened, Tsubasa?"

Tsubasa said nothing at first, bangs and darkness covering his eyes. Then, he walked over to the window and leaned against it, head turned as if to see outside the window.

Misaki remained silent as she waited.

"That little creature…was interesting, huh…" Tsubasa finally broke the silence.

"Creature?" Misaki blinked in confusion.

"Concerned over its master, and even providing the Gulliver's Candy…"

Two and two added up in Misaki's brain. "Penguin?"

Tsubasa smiled sadly. "Ya know…during the trip, it tried to help us find food. Picked a bunch of grapes. Turned out, the grapes contained alcohol."

Misaki's eyebrow shot up.

"Only ones that ate them were me and Ruka…I don't think the kid quite realized there was alcohol in them…"

Misaki snorted on a laugh as she imagined the animal-loving kid of the elementary school drunk. And Tsubasa, for that matter…

"I didn't really get drunk…but Ruka was smashed."

Misaki couldn't stop a giggle. "Oh…I bet you were a bit drunk, too."

A small shrug. "Maybe."

Misaki leaned against the desk. "Yea…that little Penguin…cute, and like a child…"

"It retrieved the antidote vial when Mikan dropped it. Just flattened itself and slid under the rubble."

"Ah…so that girl will be alright, then…" Misaki let out a breath of relief.

"Yea."

Misaki stretched. "I suppose Penguin will be a little hero, now. After being reunited with its master, of course."

Tsubasa said nothing.

Misaki gazed at him in confusion. "Tsubasa?"

"Definitely a hero, but…I'm not so sure about the last part."

Misaki stood up straight. "What do you mean?"

Tsubasa's eyes were troubled, though he tried to hide it.

The rubble falling around them, the ground getting increasingly less stable, holding onto Mikan, who reached towards Penguin…and then, Penguin falling towards the darkness after gracing them with a smile.

"Tsu…?"

"It let go…so we could escape. We couldn't reach it…wouldn't have been able to reach it in time. The darkness below it swallowed the shadows…there was nothing we could have done. Penguin knew that, if we kept trying to reach it, the place would collapse around us. Mikan…was really upset."

Misaki stood in shock at the news.

"I…might have been a bit harsh on her. Telling her so bluntly. That Penguin sacrificed itself so we could live and get out of there…"

"Let's all return to school safely."

The tears, again, came unbidden to his eyes. He pushed them back as best as he could, but one slipped past his defenses.

"She wanted to go back for it…" …I felt the same way, but… "…but I couldn't let her. She wanted everyone to come back, safe. Hotaru will be saved, but the cost was high. I can't even say 'it was just Penguin'…"

Misaki tore herself out of her stupor, and walked over to the teen. She knew he was trying his best to hide how upset he was about it, but knowing him since they were three years old, she could recognize when he was troubled.

Especially since he spoke more about everyone else's reaction to it, and hadn't mentioned his own.

Misaki couldn't stop the silent tears that rolled down her cheeks. Hurting, but won't say anything. Won't allow anyone else to feel the same pain. Keeping it all inside, until it explodes like that time he confronted the teachers about Kaname. Tsubasa, you idiot…that's just like you.

Tsubasa was startled when a pair of arms wrapped around him from behind, and he felt himself drawn to a warm body. "Misaki…?"

"You don't have to hide from me, Tsubasa. You don't have to constantly mask your pain. I understand a bit by watching you…how you feel. That you're just as sad about Penguin. But…there are some things I won't understand unless you tell me."

Tsubasa just stared ahead, eyes wide.

Misaki rested her forehead on his back. "Don't let it tear you up from the inside, you idiot. And don't make me guess, or I'll hit you."

Tsubasa closed his eyes and bowed his head. "I was the oldest."

Misaki sighed. "So…you feel responsible."

"…"

"Look at me." Misaki wiped her eyes and pulled away.

Tsubasa didn't move.

Misaki tugged on his sleeve. "Look. At. Me."

Still, Tsubasa refused. He didn't want to look at her. Because he knew what she would say…and he knew she would be right. He didn't want to believe it.

Misaki then kicked him. "I said, look at me, you big dummy!!"

Tsubasa yelped in pain and surprise as he fell to the ground. "Geez, Misaki! What the hell was…!?"

"Shut up!!"

Tsubasa sat up, then sighed and leaned against the wall.

Misaki's eye twitched, then she knelt down, grabbed his chin, and forced him to look at her. "Now, listen to me, moron. Maybe you were the oldest…and maybe Tono's idea of having you go along was to help look after everyone. Which, in a way, basically put you in charge."

Tsubasa wanted to avert his eyes, but he couldn't for some reason.

"But…" Misaki gave him a hard look. "…that doesn't mean you're responsible for Penguin's death."

Tsubasa gulped against a lump in his throat. The issue he had been trying to avoid, even in his own mind…

Misaki's expression softened a bit. "Did anybody blame you? After it happened? They all saw it, those kids, right? And, Tono knows, too. Did they blame you?"

This time, he did avert his eyes.

"I'll take that as a 'no'. Then…look at me."

Tsubasa found himself looking back at her.

"It. Is. Not. Your. Fault."

Tsubasa opened his mouth, but Misaki moved her hand away from his chin, and placed her index finger over his mouth. Her other hand found his, and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"Nobody expects one person to protect everybody. You still kept the others safe. And, you did your best to save Penguin. Your little hare-brained group even managed to get the antidote. Do you understand?"

Tsubasa blinked away tears and averted his gaze in case one or two slipped out.

Misaki sat next to him, shoulder to shoulder, as she held onto his hand. She moved her other hand from his face to his hand that she held.

Tsubasa slowly curled his hand back around hers. It still hurt, and there was still a lingering guilt that would probably only go away with time. But the truth was…

"It is not your fault."

A tear rolled down his cheek, but not one of sorrow. It was like a weight had been removed from his shoulders. He felt relaxed, next to this person that had always been with him. Next to this person he could always depend on.

Tsubasa closed his eyes and rested his head on her shoulder. The truth of the matter…

"Do you understand?"

A smile found its way to his face.

"Yea."

Thank you.

END