How To: GET GOOD REVIEWS ON YOUR LOTR FIC

Disclaimer: I don't own anything belonging to JRR Tolkien. His, not mine. If I was making any money off it, I wouldn't be writing here. Obviously. And this fic isn't - well, what are you hanging around here for? Scroll down already!

The points discussed in this fic/essay are entirely serious. I'm not kidding about my wish to help others write better, though tis initially disguised as a story - thought I might also impart my inspiration for this fic. But everything else is up for grabs, and my facetious side didn't get out much today, so be aware! :p Also, some people may not agree with my definition of what's "True to Tolkein". As I reference myself from below: "If you don't care, you're probably not reading this, and if you are and still don't care, I figure nothing I'm gonna say will or should stop you. This is intended to help those who want to improve their writing (and thus get decent reviews) and stay true to Tolkien, not to curb the creativity of the remainder who don't fit into that category, so go ahead and do what you want. Just don't expect me to review without critiquing. J " Oh, and enjoy the prelude - it's a hard half-hour's work.

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OK - HERE WE GO!

It was a fine evening in Middle Earth. Gandalf was smoking his pipe, nonchalantly making his way toward the Tower of Ecthelion. He planned to glimpse the future in the palantir, simply because he had had enough pipeweed that he could ignore the large "KEEP OUT" signs on the door. His annoying conscience, which usually would be chiming in to tell him that his actions were not for the betterment of Middle Earth, was presently pondering the nature of man, and mankind's purpose. Gandalf was reasonably sure that it would be thus occupied for the better part of a week - enough time for him to bend the rules for palantir use (#37- farseeing strictly prohibited, except in case of Middle Earth's destruction), and even possibly get a good distance away from Minas Tirith itself.

Without giving much notice, he passed the guards, ignored the signs, and entered the tower. He was Gandalf the White after all, and if he pretended he had a serious task, who would begrudge him entry?

About midway up the four-hundred seventy six stairs, Gandalf stopped for a breather. Having panted through his pipe for the past two-hundred-odd steps, he was now feeling quite lightheaded. Girding his endurance once more, he continued to climb and reached the top about ten minutes later, a personal best. Aragorn boasted that he could climb to the tower in under seven minutes, but Gandalf wasn't prepared to believe that until he saw it.

When he finally reached the tower, his attention was caught by the low white-marble pedestal that housed the palantir of Gondor. It was covered by a cloth embroidered with the white tree of Numenor, which Gandalf quickly removed, and carefully folded. Lady Arwen would be increasingly vexed if she saw her work soiled or wrinkled in any way - and she would not hesitate to tell Aragorn he'd been sneaking a peek.

Gandalf stood in front of the circular stone, took a deep breath, shut his eyes and reached out to place his fingers on the cool, smooth stone surface of the palantir.

Images roared through his mind - years passed in a flurry of action, marked by bloodshed, and the rise of Saruman's industry. Gandalf mourned the forests, but was heartened when he discovered that the legend of the ring transcended time, and that the people still remembered. Then he froze. One image, more terrifying than any other, lodged in his brain and he nearly screamed in horror.

The guards stared in amazement as Gandalf the White thundered past in a flurry of robes and haste. Mere minutes later, Shadowfax was loosed from the gates like a streak of white lightning, and he raced across the plains. Aragorn stood dumbfounded, staring after the hastily departing wizard. He was headed for Rivendell.

When he arrived, Lord Elrond merely raised a brow. Out of breath, Gandalf patted the heaving flanks of Shadowfax and said merely, "I have seen a future, eons from our time, in which the worst travesty of our history occurs."

"I will help you fight such a future, Gandalf," Lord Elrond pledged immediately.

Gandalf shook his grizzled head. "Nay," he responded. "This battle is not fought by the sword, and thus it cannot be combated by such weapons. Only if the truth, and our words, survive, can the future be saved. Is Frodo still working on the tale of the Ring?"

"Indeed," said Elrond, puzzled. "I recently sent him my account of those events."

Gandalf sighed in relief. "I fear that, once again, we must turn to the hobbits for help."

Elrond smiled. "And what will be your part in this adventure, Mithrandir?"

Gandalf gave a mystical smile, and Elrond blinked. "I shall do naught but guide, as best as I am able," he replied. "Such is my role, and I can do no less."

Gandalf entered Lord Elrond's extensive library at the conclusion of this intriguing conversation, and he remained cloistered there, among the pages and wisdom, for many months. When he finally emerged, it was to make his last journey.

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Frodo blinked in puzzlement. "Of course you can borrow the tale, Gandalf," he answered. By this time, he was wise enough to know not to question the motives of the old wizard, for he would only reply with a cryptic riddle. Gandalf, understanding the reason for Frodo's silence, smiled, a short twitch of his lips that was gone as soon as it appeared.

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"What was that?" Frodo asked, as he watched Gandalf heave a lead block over the side of the ship into the water.

"Naught you need concern yourself with, Master Hobbit," Gandalf replied, smiling.

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A middle-aged man wandered, with his pipe, along the Thames. Every so often he would stop, on this bright midsummer day, and survey the water. It was by no means as crystal-clean as it used to be, he mused, but it was a great deal better than it had been only a few years prior. Man was starting to finally realize the value and beauty of his world, and how quickly it became affected by human carelessness. But that was not his purpose here today.

Soon, he found the spot he was looking for. True, it had been an eternity since he'd been here, but time no longer mattered. Without regard for his clothing or any others who might be watching, he walked straight down the embankment and into the water.

He reached a certain point, about fifteen feet from the shore, and then, clenching his pipe firmly between his teeth, he bend over and began to dig. Silt boiled up from the bottom, and within minutes the man was mud-smeared, soaked and filthy. But he didn't seem to notice. He'd had worse dirt than this on him in his long life.

Half an hour later, he'd dug through about six feet of silt, and found the object he was searching for. By the grace of the Valar, the box had been unearthed every fifty years or so since it's abrupt plunge into the water, and thus he didn't have to search thousands of layers of rock and silt for it.

With a twinkle in his eyes, and a slight twitch near the corners of his mouth (reminiscent of what could once have been a mystical smile), he lugged the filthy object home. It was time.

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A mere fifteen years later, JRR Tolkien published The Lord of the Rings, and inside the back cover was a picture of the man who had waded into the river, complete with pipe. Only now his hair - or what was left of it - was a snowy white, and he looked even more like he had years ago, when he had sailed across the sea.

But several papers he delayed in releasing, deeming that the time was not right. So he waited, and transcribed them so that the audience he was targeting - teenage youths aspiring towards writing - would understand them. But he strayed out of thought and time, where every day was as long as a life-age of the earth. It was not the end - but this time, he was not sent back. His task was completed - his part in this tale was over. It was now the turn of others to carry on the story.**

Another, his child, the son of the man with the pipe, found the papers one day. And he further transcribed them, modernizing the language, for he completely understood the purpose of his father. Small notes in the margin told him of what was to come.

When the first movie of the Lord of the Rings, directed by Peter Jackson, entered the theaters, the time had come. So the boy - now an old man himself- and aided by his family, went online, and there, he made the notes of his father known to the world.

Here they are - take them as you will.

The year 1966 of the age of Man. Here follows notes from Gandalf the White, advice in the honoring of the great sacrifice of our age.

I know now that I should never have looked in the palantir, but the future is an ever-shifting entity. Mayhaps I will change it for the better, and mayhaps my efforts will be made idle by the works of others. But if this is being read, then tis not so. I encased these notes in a wooden box that I then cast in lead. I have constantly kept track of it, preserving it through the ages, and now, I bring it to you. Many in your age emulate the great, however, my horror arises from simply, the terrible, common mistakes that arise, and threaten to drag the world of LOTR fanfiction into the realm of shadow. These mistakes are altogether evil, and must be destroyed at the heart of the mountain from whence they come. I am no longer there to guide you, and can only hope to do so from afar. These are my notes to you, advice I have accumulated through research and consultation. Please heed my words, and fight the rising shadow.

You may know me as Tolkien - it is but one of my many names. I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide, in the hopes that mankind is ready to understand the burden I lay before you - that of change. Let my words guide you, and fight the rising shadow.

My father is gone - to white shores, where all turns to silver glass. I have endeavored to place his advice in the words you may understand, and thus only bid you to do as he wished, and fight the rising shadow. I now present to you the tools he has passed to me, that I might teach you to change.

From the writings of Gandalf the White: HOW TO WRITE A DECENT LOTR FIC AND GET GOOD REVIEWS.

#1 - Quality of Writing: This is a biggie. Many people can't write decently. Let me help you out a bit.

A) Grammar is very important - write eloquently or not at all. Making your readers slog through sloppy thought process in order to figure out what's going on only takes away from your plot. If you can't write well, you can't convey your ideas to others.

B) Punctuation. In this world, commas are used to denote pauses, or places where a reader takes a short breath before continuing. Periods finish a complete thought. Quotes are used to enclose statements, or in other words, what a character says. If you're asking a question, use a question mark! Only use exclamation marks when you're trying to convey the idea that someone is shouting. Paragraphs are indented on the first line. In a conversation, every line where someone speaks (or a paragraph in which someone speaks) is indented. Example:

"Welcome to Rivendell," said Lord Elrond, his voice serene and composed.

"I'm very happy to be here," replied Mithrandir. "Tell me, how is Frodo?"

Elrond's face was grave, his expression a study of solemnity. He frowned slightly, and his eyes flicked towards the perianneth. "Not well."

"I had not much hope," Mithrandir sighed.

Get it?? More . . .

C) Coherent thought process! You want others to understand you!

D) Don't state the obvious! I recently came across a summary that ran something along the lines of . .

'As Frodo is . . . a thought occurs in his head . . . '

---- All I can say here is, "Well, duh." I should hope he has thoughts in his head, because I shudder to think where, exactly, thoughts are coming from if that's not the case. -----

E) As a last note, to write well, write the way you would normally address someone you respect; that is, without slang and using good vocabulary. This also implies that usually you do not speak in fragments or run-ons. For those who don't know what I'm talking about:

Ex. Fragment:

BAD: Look there. The tree named George.

GOOD: Look, there is the tree named George.

Ex. Run-on:

BAD: "Golly gee," said the Mary Sue as she ran down the mountain like a goat without sinking through the snow like Legolas the Elf without the blond hair she sang beautifully as she went better than anyone Sam had ever heard even in the Green Dragon and that's saying a lot because there were fifty hobbits in there every Monday regular without fail.

GOOD: "Golly gee," said the Mary Sue as she ran down the mountain looking like a goat. She didn't sink through the snow, much like Legolas, only with poison green hair. She sang horribly as she went, much worse than anyone Sam had ever heard. Sam had heard many drunken people - or rather, hobbits - sing in the Green Dragon, because every Monday night all of Hobbiton would gather to celebrate.

#2: No-no's:

A) Let's face it, if you want to stay true to Tolkien, you don't write slash. FACT: Nowhere in his works is there even a hint of homosexuality (not bashing those whose personal preference leans that way) in the actual text. And that's what you're looking at if you're trying to stay true, book-verse. Movie-verse too, b/c Peter Jackson was true to Tolkien. If you don't care, you're probably not reading this anyway, and if you are and still don't care, I figure nothing I'm gonna say will/should stop you. This is intended to help those who want to improve their writing and stay true to Tolkien, not to curb the creativity of the remainder who don't fit into that category, so go ahead and do what you want. Just don't expect me to review without critiquing. J

B) Tone down the angst and torture of our favorite characters. I'm not saying don't write it - I personally love the "Mellon Chronicles", but sooner or later (later, in that case), enough is enough. Yes, it's fun. Yes, we all love a good misery fic, but let's face it, if Legolas had been raped/tortured/abused as many times or as much as people enjoy writing about it, not only would he (realistically) be too emotionally/mentally unstable to be chosen for the Fellowship, but he'd be in therapy twice a week for the rest of his immortal life (including Valinor). With Aragorn - ahhh, same goes, except the "immortal" and "Valinor" parts. So, change it up a little bit, stray from the norm. It's easy to write about suffering*, and everyone does, so set yourself apart with something more . . . vivacious.

C) Original plots - I don't have much to say about this because, as it happens, there are many wonderful plots out there. Sometimes, though, they get lost because the quality of writing shows that the author doesn't really care, or doesn't try to SIMPLY, CLEARLY, & DIRECTLY state what's going on. Just a tip: write your own story, not someone else's. (There are multiple layers of meaning in that statement, so take a second and think about it before snorting, "Duh, what do I write if I'm not writing my own story? This person is a moron" and pushing on.)

D) What to avoid: There are a few modern terms that can completely break the flow of your writing. These are the little evil words that slip out because we're used to using them when we talk, but they make the reader sit back and say, "What? Where did that come from? Is this writer trying to transport me to Middle Earth or Trenton, NJ?" These little devils are . . .

'Okay' 'Whatever' 'Sure' 'Yup' 'Yeah'/'Yea' 'Nope'/'Nah'/'No way' 'See ya'

'C'mere' 'Lemme' 'Gonna'

------As for the people who use terms such as: "Later, dude", "Hick", "Yuppie" and other 'wierdisms' - Get into this millennia, please. ------

Don't do anything to break the flow of your writing - if you must say something in an 'Author's Note' at a certain point, just put in an asterisk and reference it at the bottom.

References, Lists, and Explanations: Always good - you can't go wrong by listing or explaining anything new that comes into a chapter. But listing the same things over, and over, and over, and yet once more, becomes redundant. And most people won't read it after the first time you put it in anyway. I know I don't.

F) Elvish: Yay for those people with the skill to put it in! It doesn't matter where you put the translation (immediately after the statement, or at the bottom/end of the fic, whichever) as long as it's there. Somewhere. And your readers can find it. Go you!

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Well, that's most of them - the main points I gripe about when I review. The things I complain about, rather than writing an interested review on the plot. I know that other people's thoughts about what could happen, and questions about the plot and things I haven't cleared up, are my main inspiration while writing. Even when someone drops two sentences in a review:

"Awesome, I really love it! This is well done, keep it up!"

It's very motivating, would you not agree?

The idea behind this instructional essay/fic is to help you fix the things that most likely go wrong, so your reviewers get involved in your plot, not your spelling mistakes. Speaking of which, if you've got a fic-gripe that you want aired or added to the list, let me know in a review!

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**Paraphrasing of Gandalf from Jackson's FOTR (I don't own it) and ROTK (don't own that either). There are also other references in the "Author's Notes" above - they don't belong to me either.

*"Human beings define their reality through misery and suffering" - The Matrix