nNIGHTMARES
Disclaimer: Yaoi and rape scenes contained herein. Those who are squeamish, please don't read. If you think this may offend you, please don't read, or at least don't complain to me if you don't like it. Digimon characters are not mine, they are the property of Toei/Bandai/etc. Merzuna-san courtesy of Tabby, from "A Walk on the Darker Side of Reality"
~~~~~~
It was happening again.
For the third time in as many nights, Tai was curled up into a ball, bed sheets thrown around him, whimpering like a baby.
Instinctively, I woke him up.
He brought his face level with mine, and I could see that it was dampened with tears. His beautiful brown eyes were bloodshot; his breathing came in ragged sobs. Everything about him radiated an overwhelming fear.
"Matt...I..." Before he could finish, he buried his face into my shoulder, and sobbed.
"It was Merzuna-san again, wasn't it?" I whispered, running one of my hands through his shock of soft, chestnut hair, trying as best I could to soothe him. He gave a sort of strangled cry and sobbed harder. "Shhhh...it's OK, my angel, it was just a dream..."
For him the dreams were all too real.
I felt totally helpless. What could I do for him? I couldn't battle his inner demons, nor could I keep him from dreaming about Merzuna. The only comfort I could offer was in the wake of his nightmares, and that simply wasn't enough.
Together, we sat in bed, my arms around him, until his sobs died down.
"It's all right now, Tai...go back to sleep."
He murmured something and lay back down, and I brushed my lips against his. He was snoring peacefully in a few moments, and soon afterwards I was, too.
* * *
By the third night I had slept so little the lines between consciousness and sleep had become a blur. Every night, I would have the same dream...
I'm at a rave. Or, more specifically, a dance hall. But it's just myself in the middle of a giant, empty room. The equipment was there, but no one was operating it.
All of a sudden, Matt would walk on stage with his guitar. He sits for a while, tuning it up, checking the microphone, and then, just before he opens his mouth to sing, he would disappear, and so would the lights.
Suddenly, a flash fills the room - it has turned into a long, dark hallway, and at the end I could see a brightly lit 'EXIT' sign. Then, I would turn around...
I could see the glimmer of light off of glass, and then the hallway's lights snap on...
Standing not ten feet away from me is a man dressed in a long, black trenchcoat. His hair is slicked back and his eyes glimmer red behind his spectacles. My mouth turns dry with fear. I know who this is...
"Merzuna."
A dry, wicked laugh escapes his lips, and he takes a step towards me, one arm reaching out for me. I turn and run, but soon he is on top of me and grabs me by the shoulder, jerking me around. His fingers burn into my flesh, and I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping he will just go away, but soon they are forced open...
- If you cooperate, I won't need the blade -
I realize that I'm in the bathroom at the high school, and he is standing over me, knife in hand. His foot connects with my jaw, and I can taste the blood filling my mouth, again...
- Will I need this? -
I try to get up and stumble as he shoves me against the wall. I feel the cool metal of the blade touching the back of my neck. All I can feel is an overriding terror...I've lived through this before...
"No," I whisper. I am already sobbing quietly, the pain from my mouth mixing with the emotional wounds that are being torn open once again.
- Good. Be a good boy Tai. Don't make this harder than it has to be. -
A hand comes around and unsnaps my jeans button, and I just stare as they fall to the ground, along with my underwear. I squeeze my eyes tight, knowing full well the intensity of the pain that is to come, yet powerless to stop it...
I scream in pain as I feel him enter me, and I can hear him laughing at me, mocking me, knowing his victory will be played over in my mind for the rest of my life...
I felt a hand gently nudging me into wakefulness.
I was curled into a ball, tears running down my face, scared and helpless...
Staring back at me were no longer the cold, unforgiving eyes of Merzuna; they had been replaced by two deep cerulean pools of love and worry...
"Matt," I sobbed, looking into them. "I..."
I buried my head into him, letting his mere presence comfort and pacify me. I cried into him, watching my tears roll down his naked chest and drip onto the sheets. He stroked my head with one hand while holding me with the other. He brought his mouth to my ear.
"It was Merzuna-san again, wasn't it?"
I nodded and cried harder, letting my emotions spill out into Yamato's reassuring shoulder. The pain and anguish that had been haunting me slowly drained out, tear by tear...
I desperately wanted the dreams to stop, but every night they would happen again, and after them I couldn't sleep well, because when I caught myself dozing off I would wake up for fear of them coming back.
An hour later I got up, unable to sleep, and went into the bathroom.
* * *
I woke up as the first rays of sunlight penetrated through the blinds. I propped myself up with one arm and turned to where Tai was sleeping...
...only to find that he wasn't there.
I panicked momentarily as I searched the room. It wasn't like him to be up before me, especially after not sleeping well for the past three nights. A low, guttural cough came from the bathroom, and I saw a nest of brown through the doorway. I got up and walked over to him, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. To my surprise, he just sat and stared at his reflection. I placed my hands on my hips and pouted.
"What's the matter, Tai-chan?" I asked playfully.
He shook his head. "Look at me."
"You're my beautiful boyfriend, Tai, so what else is new?"
He glared at me through bloodshot eyes.
"No, seriously, Yamato. Look. I haven't slept in three days...I'm a fucking wreck. Every night I can't sleep because the moment I do, I start having these dreams..." Tears started to fall from his eyes yet again, and I walked up to him and dried them as best I could. "I keep...getting..." He shook as bitter tears flowed down his face. Suddenly his face contorted, and he yelled out to no one in particular.
"Leave me alone!"
I let go of him immediately, and he turned and faced me with a terrified expression on his face.
"Matt...make him go away..."
I was afraid. Something was truly wrong with him; he had barely eaten or slept in three days, and he was gaunt and haggard. He barely spoke, and lately when he had all of his thoughts were on Merzuna. Something had resurfaced inside him. He hadn't been reduced to a kitten since...
Since the rape.
And something kept making him relive it, every night.
A pit had reopened in my heart that I prayed would remain closed forever. I was supposed to be there for Tai, to help him when he needed it, to protect him from whatever he couldn't protect himself from, to hold his hand when he needed it...
The last time I could have done something, and didn't, was the day he was raped. I knew Merzuna couldn't just be a complete asshole to me and the rest of the world and yet make an overstated effort to be friendly with Tai, and Tai alone, without something else going on...
I didn't think it would come to that...
Ever since that day I had vowed that I'd never let anything like that happen to Tai.
But now, it was, only this time in his subconscious, where I couldn't help him at all. I felt so inadequate...powerless to stop Tai's personal hell.
I snapped myself back to reality and led him to the bed. He still muttered some dark things to himself, but didn't resist.
"Tai, I'm going out for awhile." I couldn't believe that I was speaking to him in the same tone of voice I would speak to a 3-year-old... "I'll try and get you some help, OK? In the meantime, why don't you try and get some rest. Take these, they'll help." I pressed sleeping pills and a glass of water into his hand. He stared at me, uncomprehending, for a long time.
"Matt?"
I turned and looked at him...or rather, this half-crazed, sickly, depressed shell of what used to be the most outgoing, radiant, sweetest person I knew...I felt a tear slide down my cheek, and I turned away.
"Matt," he said in a surprisingly clear tone, "...you go ahead...I'll try to get some sleep. Just hurry back, okay?"
I flashed a tight smile and kissed him on the mouth gently. He closed his eyes and curled up, and I left the room, determined to find something that would alleviate his pain, if only for a few moments...
* * *
An hour later, I returned, armed with an over-the-counter sleeping aid and the number of a very good psychiatrist, someone who had counseled my mom after the divorce.
"Taichi?"
I heard the faint sounds of the television in our bedroom and figured he would be asleep, so I set down my things and padded into the room, just to watch him for a few hours and make sure he was all right.
The room was a mess. The bed had been dismembered entirely, sheets in one corner of the room, pillows in another; the dresser's first three drawers were open and their contents scattered about; the window was opened and the screen pushed aside, as if someone removed it to get out of the room.
I turned off the TV, the bottom dropping out of my stomach. My thoughts raced around in my head as I tried to calm myself down...where was Tai? Why did he suddenly leave? For the first time I noticed the phone was off of the hook. I picked it up.
"Hello, Taichi Kamiya," said the system. "You have 1 message. To listen to it, press 1. To delete it, press 2. To exit the system, press 9." It paused for a moment, then repeated. I raised my trembling finger and pushed 1...this had to be the reason Tai left...
"Attention, residents of the Odaiba district. Convicted rapist Merzuna Kenichi has been released early for good behavior and is taking up residence in your area. For more information, please call the probation office at..."
I hung up the phone and ran out of the room.
"Tai!"
Disclaimer: Yaoi and rape scenes contained herein. Those who are squeamish, please don't read. If you think this may offend you, please don't read, or at least don't complain to me if you don't like it. Digimon characters are not mine, they are the property of Toei/Bandai/etc. Merzuna-san courtesy of Tabby, from "A Walk on the Darker Side of Reality"
~~~~~~
It was happening again.
For the third time in as many nights, Tai was curled up into a ball, bed sheets thrown around him, whimpering like a baby.
Instinctively, I woke him up.
He brought his face level with mine, and I could see that it was dampened with tears. His beautiful brown eyes were bloodshot; his breathing came in ragged sobs. Everything about him radiated an overwhelming fear.
"Matt...I..." Before he could finish, he buried his face into my shoulder, and sobbed.
"It was Merzuna-san again, wasn't it?" I whispered, running one of my hands through his shock of soft, chestnut hair, trying as best I could to soothe him. He gave a sort of strangled cry and sobbed harder. "Shhhh...it's OK, my angel, it was just a dream..."
For him the dreams were all too real.
I felt totally helpless. What could I do for him? I couldn't battle his inner demons, nor could I keep him from dreaming about Merzuna. The only comfort I could offer was in the wake of his nightmares, and that simply wasn't enough.
Together, we sat in bed, my arms around him, until his sobs died down.
"It's all right now, Tai...go back to sleep."
He murmured something and lay back down, and I brushed my lips against his. He was snoring peacefully in a few moments, and soon afterwards I was, too.
* * *
By the third night I had slept so little the lines between consciousness and sleep had become a blur. Every night, I would have the same dream...
I'm at a rave. Or, more specifically, a dance hall. But it's just myself in the middle of a giant, empty room. The equipment was there, but no one was operating it.
All of a sudden, Matt would walk on stage with his guitar. He sits for a while, tuning it up, checking the microphone, and then, just before he opens his mouth to sing, he would disappear, and so would the lights.
Suddenly, a flash fills the room - it has turned into a long, dark hallway, and at the end I could see a brightly lit 'EXIT' sign. Then, I would turn around...
I could see the glimmer of light off of glass, and then the hallway's lights snap on...
Standing not ten feet away from me is a man dressed in a long, black trenchcoat. His hair is slicked back and his eyes glimmer red behind his spectacles. My mouth turns dry with fear. I know who this is...
"Merzuna."
A dry, wicked laugh escapes his lips, and he takes a step towards me, one arm reaching out for me. I turn and run, but soon he is on top of me and grabs me by the shoulder, jerking me around. His fingers burn into my flesh, and I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping he will just go away, but soon they are forced open...
- If you cooperate, I won't need the blade -
I realize that I'm in the bathroom at the high school, and he is standing over me, knife in hand. His foot connects with my jaw, and I can taste the blood filling my mouth, again...
- Will I need this? -
I try to get up and stumble as he shoves me against the wall. I feel the cool metal of the blade touching the back of my neck. All I can feel is an overriding terror...I've lived through this before...
"No," I whisper. I am already sobbing quietly, the pain from my mouth mixing with the emotional wounds that are being torn open once again.
- Good. Be a good boy Tai. Don't make this harder than it has to be. -
A hand comes around and unsnaps my jeans button, and I just stare as they fall to the ground, along with my underwear. I squeeze my eyes tight, knowing full well the intensity of the pain that is to come, yet powerless to stop it...
I scream in pain as I feel him enter me, and I can hear him laughing at me, mocking me, knowing his victory will be played over in my mind for the rest of my life...
I felt a hand gently nudging me into wakefulness.
I was curled into a ball, tears running down my face, scared and helpless...
Staring back at me were no longer the cold, unforgiving eyes of Merzuna; they had been replaced by two deep cerulean pools of love and worry...
"Matt," I sobbed, looking into them. "I..."
I buried my head into him, letting his mere presence comfort and pacify me. I cried into him, watching my tears roll down his naked chest and drip onto the sheets. He stroked my head with one hand while holding me with the other. He brought his mouth to my ear.
"It was Merzuna-san again, wasn't it?"
I nodded and cried harder, letting my emotions spill out into Yamato's reassuring shoulder. The pain and anguish that had been haunting me slowly drained out, tear by tear...
I desperately wanted the dreams to stop, but every night they would happen again, and after them I couldn't sleep well, because when I caught myself dozing off I would wake up for fear of them coming back.
An hour later I got up, unable to sleep, and went into the bathroom.
* * *
I woke up as the first rays of sunlight penetrated through the blinds. I propped myself up with one arm and turned to where Tai was sleeping...
...only to find that he wasn't there.
I panicked momentarily as I searched the room. It wasn't like him to be up before me, especially after not sleeping well for the past three nights. A low, guttural cough came from the bathroom, and I saw a nest of brown through the doorway. I got up and walked over to him, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. To my surprise, he just sat and stared at his reflection. I placed my hands on my hips and pouted.
"What's the matter, Tai-chan?" I asked playfully.
He shook his head. "Look at me."
"You're my beautiful boyfriend, Tai, so what else is new?"
He glared at me through bloodshot eyes.
"No, seriously, Yamato. Look. I haven't slept in three days...I'm a fucking wreck. Every night I can't sleep because the moment I do, I start having these dreams..." Tears started to fall from his eyes yet again, and I walked up to him and dried them as best I could. "I keep...getting..." He shook as bitter tears flowed down his face. Suddenly his face contorted, and he yelled out to no one in particular.
"Leave me alone!"
I let go of him immediately, and he turned and faced me with a terrified expression on his face.
"Matt...make him go away..."
I was afraid. Something was truly wrong with him; he had barely eaten or slept in three days, and he was gaunt and haggard. He barely spoke, and lately when he had all of his thoughts were on Merzuna. Something had resurfaced inside him. He hadn't been reduced to a kitten since...
Since the rape.
And something kept making him relive it, every night.
A pit had reopened in my heart that I prayed would remain closed forever. I was supposed to be there for Tai, to help him when he needed it, to protect him from whatever he couldn't protect himself from, to hold his hand when he needed it...
The last time I could have done something, and didn't, was the day he was raped. I knew Merzuna couldn't just be a complete asshole to me and the rest of the world and yet make an overstated effort to be friendly with Tai, and Tai alone, without something else going on...
I didn't think it would come to that...
Ever since that day I had vowed that I'd never let anything like that happen to Tai.
But now, it was, only this time in his subconscious, where I couldn't help him at all. I felt so inadequate...powerless to stop Tai's personal hell.
I snapped myself back to reality and led him to the bed. He still muttered some dark things to himself, but didn't resist.
"Tai, I'm going out for awhile." I couldn't believe that I was speaking to him in the same tone of voice I would speak to a 3-year-old... "I'll try and get you some help, OK? In the meantime, why don't you try and get some rest. Take these, they'll help." I pressed sleeping pills and a glass of water into his hand. He stared at me, uncomprehending, for a long time.
"Matt?"
I turned and looked at him...or rather, this half-crazed, sickly, depressed shell of what used to be the most outgoing, radiant, sweetest person I knew...I felt a tear slide down my cheek, and I turned away.
"Matt," he said in a surprisingly clear tone, "...you go ahead...I'll try to get some sleep. Just hurry back, okay?"
I flashed a tight smile and kissed him on the mouth gently. He closed his eyes and curled up, and I left the room, determined to find something that would alleviate his pain, if only for a few moments...
* * *
An hour later, I returned, armed with an over-the-counter sleeping aid and the number of a very good psychiatrist, someone who had counseled my mom after the divorce.
"Taichi?"
I heard the faint sounds of the television in our bedroom and figured he would be asleep, so I set down my things and padded into the room, just to watch him for a few hours and make sure he was all right.
The room was a mess. The bed had been dismembered entirely, sheets in one corner of the room, pillows in another; the dresser's first three drawers were open and their contents scattered about; the window was opened and the screen pushed aside, as if someone removed it to get out of the room.
I turned off the TV, the bottom dropping out of my stomach. My thoughts raced around in my head as I tried to calm myself down...where was Tai? Why did he suddenly leave? For the first time I noticed the phone was off of the hook. I picked it up.
"Hello, Taichi Kamiya," said the system. "You have 1 message. To listen to it, press 1. To delete it, press 2. To exit the system, press 9." It paused for a moment, then repeated. I raised my trembling finger and pushed 1...this had to be the reason Tai left...
"Attention, residents of the Odaiba district. Convicted rapist Merzuna Kenichi has been released early for good behavior and is taking up residence in your area. For more information, please call the probation office at..."
I hung up the phone and ran out of the room.
"Tai!"