Calvin & Hobbes: The Drawing Board
An Original Play by Patrick Lipps
(Based on the characters created by Bill Watterson)
Dramatis Personae:
Calvin
Hobbes
Susie
Bacon
Scene I:
(Lights up on a room in Calvin's house. A drafting table stands CS, with Calvin seated at it, scribbling away on a large pad of paper. Hobbes is beside him on the table, in stuffed animal form. UL, there is a wastebasket filled with crumpled drawings; the ghost of doodles' past. Calvin slams on the table, crumples the paper up, and tosses it over his shoulder in the general direction of the wastebasket.)
Calvin: (picking up Hobbes) Hobbes, what am I going to do? The submissions are due in two days, and all my cartoons look like they're either drawn by Dali or Picasso. I'm not sure they're even human! (Puts Hobbes up to his ear) What? Capitulate? Is that even legal? (Puts him down. Gets up. Sighs.) Four jobs in the last two weeks. That's gotta be some new Chagrin Falls record. And how did they all end up? Postman? Fired for speeding. Hot dog vendor? Fired for being too direct. Bouncy castle manufacturer? Kept putting holes in the damn things. And party clown? (Cringes. Goes back and sits down.) The laughingstock of Ohio.It seems the only thing I'm good at is getting fired! (Throws Hobbes over his shoulder. A loud thunk is heard when it lands.)
Voice: OW!
(Something gingerly gets up from behind the table. It's Hobbes, in anthropomorphic form. He rises to his feet, rubbing his head.)
Calvin: What's wrong with you?
Hobbes: You THREW me on my HEAD! THAT'S what's wrong with me!
Calvin: Rub some dirt on it.
Hobbes: (mockingly) Gee, how considerate of you.
Calvin: Sorry, Hobbes. It's just I've had a lot of stress on me lately. I'm not feeling like myself. I wish I could play, but… (Gestures to notepad on table.)
Hobbes: (Looking at drawings) Yeesh!
Calvin: (head in hands) I know!
Hobbes: Is that supposed to be the guy's head or… something else?
Calvin: At this point, I don't know anymore. (Rips page off, throwing it into bin.)
Hobbes: (chipper) You know what you need, right? You need some schooling from your old buddy, Hobbes! Over the years, my drawings have been getting better, ya know.
Calvin: (in derision) Oh, please!
Hobbes: No, it's true! I've become quite the artiste! I can help your drawings look a bit less… blinding.
Calvin: And how do you plan on doing that?
(Offstage, we hear Susie, Calvin's wife, and their daughter, Bacon.)
Susie: Bacon, you wanna go to the store with me?
Bacon: Okay, mom!
(Enter Susie and Bacon)
Susie: Okay, then. Go get dressed and we'll be on our way!
Bacon: It's a bit rainy out there. Should I put on my galoshes?
Susie: I mean, if you want to.
(Exit Bacon)
Susie: Remind me again why we named our child Bacon?
Calvin: (Continuing to draft) My uncle Max was very philosophical. To honor that, my father named me after John Calvin, and Hobbes after Thomas Hobbes. In his memory, I promised to continue the tradition, thus naming our daughter after Francis Bacon. It made sense. And besides, you named the dog.
Susie: That's hardly a fair trade.
Calvin: You had no qualms about it. As I recall, you insisted that you named the dog. (sarcastic) Great choice, by the way.
Susie: Hey! Mister Fuzzy Nufflebutters seemed like a good enough name at the time.
Calvin: If you ask me, that car was a blessing. He wanted to get run over!
Susie: You're just like you were in 1st grade!
Calvin: Isn't that why you married me?
Susie: (laughs) To have a smartass as a husband? Yeah, right.
Calvin: Oh, you know you can't survive without me. Besides, you love it.
Susie: (sighs) I do. (Kisses him on the cheek, then calls offstage) Bacon, hurry up!
(Enter Bacon, with umbrella and galoshes)
Bacon: I'm here, Mom!
Susie: (back to Calvin) You need anything from the store? A new job, perhaps?
Calvin: Funny. How 'bout a new sense of humor? God knows you could use it.
Susie: Love you too, hun. (to Bacon) Alright, let's go!
(Exit Susie and Bacon. Calvin stares down at the table, looking at his newest abomination. Another one bites the dust. He puts his head in his hands.)
Hobbes: (reappearing and peering over the table, pencil in hand) What you need is a little bit of this, this and this… (Making big marks and scribbles all over the notepad)And you can't forget this! This adds a lot of character, and makes him a complete babe magnet to all the other drawings…
Calvin: (flipping table over) Would you STOP?! Do you realize how annoying you are?! Part of me can't believe I'm still talking to you! Sometimes I wish you disappeared completely! (Beat.) Look at me; I'm an adult, with responsibilities! I've got a wife and a kid and I'm still talking to a damned stuffed tiger! Because that's just what you are! A STUFFED… TIGER!
Hobbes: Hey, calm down, Calvin! Yeah, I may be a stuffed tiger but I'm still your friend since you were born. Your only friend! Remember the times that we used to play Calvinball, or the G.R.O.S.S. club? Where would you be without me?! (Turns his back.)
Calvin: (calming down) You're right. I'm nothing without you. And you're nothing without me! It's just… I want to be known for something other than a failure. I want to leave something behind.
Hobbes: "Known?" "Leave something behind?" It sounds like you think you're going to die!
Calvin: (reluctantly) Hobbes… there's something I have to tell you.
Hobbes: Wh-what is it?
Calvin: The blood work came back from the lab. I got the test results just yesterday. (Deep breath.) I have leukemia.
Hobbes: Oh my god. How bad is it?
Calvin: The doctors said it could be serious. They said there's no way to know how bad it is yet, though. They still have to run some more tests, but the result that they got was inarguable.
Hobbes: Why did you keep this a secret from me?
Calvin: Because I didn't want you to worry! I didn't want to see my best friend like this. So I kept it a secret, hoping that you'd still be your happy self. (Beat.) As I said before, I want to be known for something else than being a loser; a nobody that still talks to a stuffed animal.
Hobbes: Wow. Listen… I have to let this all sink in.
Calvin: Take your time. In fact, I… think it's best if we don't speak to each other again.
Hobbes: Are – are you serious? B-but… Calvin –
Calvin: You heard me, Hobbes. Now, if you don't mind, I've got a lot of things to think over.
(Both exit. Lights fade out.)