Ultimate Sweeney Todd Parody, a sweeney todd fanfic

Ultimate Sweeney Todd Parody

Scene 1

( on a gloomy looking boat)

Anthony: I have seen the world beheld – yes beheld like me wearing 18th century clothing isn't enough- wonders. From the Dardanelles- whatever those are I didn't read the pamphlet they gave me, to the mountains of Peru. But there's no place like London.

Sweeney: No there's no place like London.

Anthony: LE GASP AND FEIGNED SURPRISE! Mr. Todd, you can sing? ( faints in a girlish way) As if being a super sexy pants wasn't enough.

Sweeney: Anthony?

Anthony: Yes, Mr. My - lovely- singing- partner? ( applying MAC lipstick) It's for AIDS… or prostate cancer, both sound nice to an seemingly gay idiot like me.

Sweeney: O.0

Anthony: What can't a man care for another man's pleasure spot?

Sweeney: ( warily steps from Anthony) You are young. The world has been kind to you. You will learn-

Anthony:( huffily puts down his makeup case) Mr. Todd, I'm sixteen and I'm on a boat. If I wanted to learn I'd be in the horrible place called ( dramatic pause, sinister voice) schooool.

Sweeney: That's explains how confused and gay you are.

Anthony: ( humming the Smurfs theme song) Sing a happy song.

Sweeney: There's a hole in the world like a great black pit, and the vermin of the world inhabit it, and it's mauls-

Anthony: Shopping! I really like some cute malls in London so I guess its

Sweeney: ( ignoring Anthony completely)Aren't worth what a pig could spit, and it goes by the name of London. At the top of the hole sit a privileged few, making mockery of the lower zoo-

Anthony: Zoos? I saw a zoo with elephants-

Sweeney: Anthony!

Anthony: Pronounce it without a h.

Sweeney: Anthony pronounced without an H! Stop interrupting me!

Anthony: meep.

Sweeney: Turning beauty into greed, I too have sailed the world, seen it's wonder. For the cruelty of man is a wondrous as Peru, but there's no place like London.

Anthony: meep- I thought London was a place of kings, queens, and Victoria Secret models.

Sweeney: You also thought that prison guard was Edward Scissor-hands, when I play the screwy version of him.

Anthony: That means your-

Sweeney: Yes, I'm-

Anthony: ( high- pitched girly scream) Johnny -sexy face, dirty hair -Depp! ( faints)

Sweeney: I'm gonna continue the song… There was a barber and his wife and she was beautiful. A foolish barber and his wife, she was his reason and his life and she was beautiful. And she was extra hot and he got fucked up- and no Anthony not super sexy fun time.

Anthony: Oh, man. And I was envisioning you having a hot S&M party!

Flashback

Lucy: We're so young! So oblivious! So naïve! What do we know about loosing someone dear.

Benjamin: I know and look at these bush daisies. Don't they compliment our naivety.

( over to behind some gillyflowers)

Turpin: ( eating granola bar) of all the other flowers, we choose gillyflowers. Lets move to the roses.

( now behind roses)

Beadle: May I have some? ( extending hand)

Turpin:( smacks Beadle's hand) No and who is that attractive woman?

Beadle: Rima.

Turpin: Not her- I already have sex with her. The frumpy bitch with her tits hanging out.

Beadle: Oh, that's the town slut Lucy Barker.

Turpin: Maybe I can buy her for Rima's birthday... I think we should send him to Australia.

Beadle: He didn't do anything wrong.

Turpin: Beadle your Wormtail is showing. ( Beadle covers his crotch) if your going to be my evil, ugly, and sexually suggestive sidekick with nasty ass teeth, go with the stupid flow .

Turpin: ( motions child over.) Want some granola? ( kid nods head) Too bad twerp. ( Judge Turpin gives the child a wedgie, pours granola on him, and sticks a dildo up his ass.) Now go give this letter.

( kids runs to Mr. Barker crying and begging for his parents)

Benjamin: " Dear parents of this random child, I have taken your child and spilled granola all over him. As you see he has received a wedgie from me as he will be getting everyday .He and any random pet of his shall be covered by Safe Auto and sodomized crudely –" What?

Turpin: STEALING GRANOLA AND WEDGIED COVERED KIDS, AND SODOMIZING BADLY COVERED PETS! NOT ON MY GUCCI WATCH! LE GASP AND IN FRONT OF YOUR DELICIOUS WIFE IN THAT SEE- THROUGH BODICE! OH THE SHAME! OH THE DELICIOUS BREASTS I SHALL BE FUCKING LATER ON!

Benjamin: This kid-

Turpin: ARREST THE KIDNAPPING FIEND!

Police: fiend? Come on he's just-

Turpin: ARREST HIM!

( police hit Mr. Barker with a can of beans)

Turpin: Why'd you hit him with a can of beans?

Police: this is a movie, what if Johnny actually got hurt?

Turpin: Why so serious all of a sudden.

Police: Who knows?

Turpin: Touche'

(police hit Mr. Barker with a can of beans- again)

Benjamin : ( passed out) Okay, Mr. Ray, I'll buy you pecans just buy my rice cake…

Turpin: Seeing that the most you'll husband will be getting is from koala bears and dingoes...

Lucy: How did you sweep over here so quickly?

Turpin: Magic Judge powers. You like?

Lucy: 0-o

Present time

Anthony: Mr. Todd, if Lucy was a party slut, then why was the judge chasing after her? I mean I've seen some party sluts, but your wife sounds skimpy.

Sweeney: o.0

( he leaves are stupid, confused sailor to daydream about candy)

Anthony: pop rocks are still relevant right?

Director: No…

Anthony: DAMN YOU! THEY ARE DELICIOUSLY UNHEALTHY AND LIFE THREATENING!

Scene 2

( Sweeney remembers the weird lady underneath his house.)

Sweeney: ( taking out a Willy Wonka set of keys) Please don't be home, please be out. ( can't find the right key.) Damn. I need to get inside before- aha! ( opens door.)

Mrs. Lovett: GOOD LORD! A CUSTOMER! AND HE'S NOT A LAW OFFICIAL.( tries to rape Sweeney)

Sweeney: Get off me you psycho killer! ( sprays her with Dove musk)

Mrs. L: You have Dove musk?

Sweeney: it was a gift from a cellmate… Henry, I think his name was… I need to call him. ( searches in his humongous tote bag for Henry's number.)

Mrs. L: Umm…

Sweeney: Don't mind me- sing your song. ( still searching through bag) Ooh. The novel I was writing.

Mrs. L: Wait what's your rush what's your hurry? Gave me such a fright I thought you was a ghost. Half a minute will you sit, sit you down, sit. All I'm saying is I haven't seen a customer in weeks , did you come in for a pie sir? ( stuffs a pie into his mouth.) please excuse me if me heads a little vague, what was that, but you'd think we have the plague.

Sweeney: ( spits out pie) Eww…. I tasted a- ( a roach crawls from the pie, girlish scream from Sweeney) A bug.

Mrs. Lovett: E's me only friend now n' days.

Sweeney: ( drops bag: make-up, hairspray, techno dresses, and sex toys fall from it)

Mrs. L: Umm…..

Sweeney: ( shakes head viciously) There Henry's!

MRS. L: Sure. ( picks up a dildo and some of his sexual instructional novel ) And this…

Sweeney: also Henry's. We're business partners.

Mrs. L: O-0

Sweeney: ( retches from aftertaste of Mrs. Lovett's nasty pies, all over his novel) My lord woman! How am I supposed to tell the readers how to spread the discharge!

Mrs. L: I can help you write that novel. While I'm doing some needed inspection ( snaps on a plastic glove.)

Sweeney: Is that some creepy insinuation that you wanna fuck me?

Mrs. L: If that's 'ow ya see it, love… ( stretching fingers)

Sweeney: Look, I didn't come in here for pie-

Mrs. Lovett: So you did come 'ere to fix me up all nice. Ooo, 'ow damn lucky am I? ( rubbing hands together.)

Sweeney: I WOULDN'T TOUCH YOUR UNSPEAKABLE WITH A TEN FOOT POLE!

Mrs. L: I wash down there…sometimes.

Sweeney: RAPE! RAPE! THIS DISEASE RIDDLED WOMAN IS TRYING TO RAPE ME!

Mrs. L : Mr. Todd this is 18th London. Do you know how many prostitutes say that everyday?

Sweeney: ( screams)

Mrs., L: Oh, shut up already. I refuse to go up there since it's haunted.

Sweeney: Haunted? By ghost?

Mrs. L: There was a barber and his wife and he was Johnny Depp. A proper artist with a knife, but they sent him to Australia for life, and he was Johnny Depp.

Sweeney: What was his crime?

Mrs. L: typecasting. He had this wife you see. Stupid little thing, horny little git. Had a chance put the moon in her thing ( flashback while she is singing, Turpin is showing her a picture of him naked. She is looking out the window- drooling like a stupid fan girl) There was this judge you see, played by Alan Rickman, everyday he sent her inappropriate fan-fiction, autographs, and lots of CDs with his diction. Poor thing ah but the best part is to come poor thing. So Tim calls on her all polite, poor thing, poor thing he says the judge is all contrite, he blames himself for mixing up flights, he must come straight to his play tonight poor thing, poor thing

Sweeney:(eating popcorn)

Mrs. L: of course when she gets there poor thing, poor thing, there having the show all in mask, there's no one she know there poor dear poor thing, she eats popcorn tormented and drinks poor thing, Rickman has repented she thinks poor thing, where is playbill she asks, he was there all right with pants extra tight.

Sweeney: tight period clothes!

Lucy: Who the fuck are you?

Turpin: Um… Metatron? Come to sate your maiden like … meat grinder?

Lucy: Just make sure I have a warranty.

Mrs. L: She wasn't a match for such craft you see, and everyone thought is so droll, they were right to thing she was daft you see, so all of them stood there and laughed you see poor soul, poor thing.

Sweeney: My Lucy raped on stage by a beautiful thespian. Oh No! Oh no!

Mrs. L: It's you? Damn aren't I slow? Change of plans. She's dead!

Sweeney: Oh. Well, I planned to do a lot of dirty things to her when I got back, but- Okay.

Mrs. L: I have something to show you.

Sweeney: Your boobs do not interest me!

Mrs. L: Shut up! They are lovely in there own sense.

( they are en route to the room upstairs. Mrs. Lovett takes out the razors.)

Sweeney: These are my friends. See how the glisten, see this one shine, how he smiles in the light my friend.

Mrs. L: I love you too. I'm your friend too Mr. Todd.

Sweeney: Speak to me friend, whisper I'll listen. I know I know. You've been locked out of sight all these years like me my friend. But now I'm home…

Mrs. L: I love you so damn much…

Sweeney: Fuck off. My lucky friends. You there my friend.

Mrs. L : If you love you stupid razors so much, go make love to them.

Sweeney: Trust me. If I wouldn't lose the my most valuable part of my body, I most certainly would. At last my arm is complete again!

( tolling music, we are now in front of a mansion, hint, hint, Anthony is reading a Novel- ways of the world 101, but it's upside down. Yeah- he's not that brainy)

Anthony: " Next you put her right leg over your shoulder and thrust hard with your hips as here illustrated on page ten." That is a good picture, but-

Johanna:Green finch and linnet bird, Nightingale, blackbird. Teach me how to sing! How can you truly like sitting in cages. Never taking wing. Outside the sky lays beckoning, beckoning. Just beyond the vines. How to you remain, staring at the rain, burdened by the stars. How is it you sing? Anything?

Anthony: Whoa, is she hot or what! But- " Spread her discharge over her bre-

( inside the house, Turpin is doing Rima's nails. )

Turpin: Damn. I swear that bitch sings loud.

Rima: But we want her in the three-way. Just forget how loud she is.

Turpin: Sure...

( back outside)

Johanna: My cage has many rooms damask and dark, nothing here sings,- well Rickman did sing in a few plays, but that was a long time ago! Not even my lark, larks never will you know, when their captive, teach me to be more adaptive, ahhh- why is that guy looking at me?

Turpin: Once again birdy hints!

Rima: Three-way?

Turpin: Not until the whore shuts the fuck up!

Anthony: Damn! She sings so loud, but then again it's so good.

( Anthony is still staring when a beggar woman hobbles over to him)

Beggar woman: Alms, alms for a miserable woman ( Anthony still staring) On a miserable morning, alms, alms, on a miserable morning…

( Anthony gives the woman money, but is still staring at Johanna.)

Anthony: Who's that yummy looking piece of pie?

Beggar: That the judge's girlfriend Johanna. Best not cause any mischief or you'll be receiving a lashing.

Anthony: But isn't his girlfriend's name Rima Horton?

Beggar: Yeah, but this is a movie, Rated R he can have as many women as he likes!

Anthony: ( still staring because who heard of a smart hero) I feel you Johanna, I feel you. I was half convinced I'd waken. Satisfied enough to dream you, happily I was mistaken, Johanna.

Johanna: OMG! I should tell my amazingly sexy fatherly figure that a man is looking at me, but since he has a three way planned...

Anthony: I'll steal you Johanna, I'll steal you. Do they think that walls can hide you, even now I'm at your window, I am in the dark beside you, buried sweetly in your yellow hair. ( Anthony is at Turpin's door, noting that his house smells like nail polish and cum)

Turpin: Come in lad. Do you want some tea?

Anthony: Yes. I'm sorry I got lost on the way to Hyde Park.

Turpin: Then what's that? ( referring to Anthony's book)

( Tosses book back into street, hitting Lucy and killing a few puppies)

Anthony: That's just a guide to boat sailing.

Turpin: That's means your a sailor, which means you've traveled, which means you screwed various women, which means you are a pimp, which means YOU GANDERED AT ME WARD!

Anthony: ( shrieks like a little girl) Don't subject the wrath of God upon me! Have mercy on me Metatron!

Turpin: I'm not the Metatron!

Anthony: Don't set the wrath of the Sheriff of Nottingham, upon me! Have mercy Milord!

Turpin: I'm not the sheriff!

Anthony: Don't subject the wrath of Snape upon m-

Turpin: Anthony! Beadle beat him senseless for plot related reasons that shall not be revealed to the audience later on in the movie.

Antony: ( shrieks)

Beadle: Die, die, die! Hate, hate, hate! ( beating Anthony)

Anthony: Why are you doing this Wormtail? Why are you in allegiance with the Dark lord! Your friends trusted you!

Beadle: WTF are you talking bout? Me name is Bamfield. Not Wormtail!

Anthony: ( shrieks)

Beadle: Next time you mistake me characters, it'll be your pretty little brains-

Anthony: You think I pretty? Well… Beadle… I'm flattered!

Beadle: (almost crushing his skull) ALL OVER THE PAVEMENT!

Anthony: I feel you Johanna, And even though I gonna get killed, till I'm with you there, sweetly buried in your yellow hair.

Turpin: Heroes were never brainy.

( We are in a market, and Mrs. Lovett is dragging Mr. Todd to crowd)

Todd: NO! I'M NOT INTERESTED IN A FULL ON ORGY WITH 50 WITH GUYS.

Mrs. Lovett: Not really gonna do that love. Just threatnin' ya!

Todd: ( whimpering like a little girl)

Toby: ladies and gentlemen my a have your attention puh-lease. Do you wake every morning in shame and despair, to discover there is no whore there

Beadle: Hmm…My bed does seem a bit- whoreless….

Crowd: ( murmuring) no whores…shame… despair?

Toby: well not to be there, gentlemen you can now waken at ease, you will never again have a worry or care I will show you a miracle, marvelous, rare. Gentlemen you are about see something that rose from my bed…and is giving me head.

( tis true a prostitute was giving young Toby head.)

Toby: Twas Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, that's wot did the trick sir, true sir true, was it quick sir, did it in a tick sir, just like elixir out to do, wanna buy a bottle mister only cost a penny guarantee. Try Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, anything that's thick sir soon sprouts curls, try Pirelli's when they see how thick sir, you can have your pick sir of the girls

Mrs. Lovett/ : Are we standing near an open drench, what's that stench, pardon me ma'am what's that stench, are we standing near an open drench

Toby: Look you two I need money so shut the fuck up about the smell!