OK, this is a little old, but the writers of the Alex Rider fandom (especially the slash section) are stuck in a rut. So Alex decides to send a couple letters addressing a few certain issues, and ways to improve.

Parody, humor.

Disclaimer: Alex Rider does not belong to me... but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop stalking him ;)

-...-

Dear writers of the Alex Rider fandom,

**** you.

No, seriously.

Why do you keep describing me as a girl? I'm not a hermaphrodite! And I'm not gay, I just... admire older men like Yassen. I admire that man so much I want to kill him because he killed Ian, but it's too bad he's already dead.

Oh, and about Yassen.

Stop resurrecting him for your Alex-Rider-molesting purposes. That's against the law in (most) countries. Why are you even pairing me up with that bastard? He's dead, he's old, and by the time I'm his age he'll be sixty.

Really, guys?

*snickering heard in background*

And about the K-Unit... I met them twice. Once at Breacon Beacons, then Wolf at that school and Ben in Australia with the kangaroos. Then you guys pair me up with them, adults, who I barely know and hate. I'm not in love with them; they're not in love with me.

What the ****, damn it.

I bet if someone parodied this fandom, the K-Unit wouldn't even be called the K-Unit. They'd be some club named Child-Molesters-R-Us. I also bet they would have my name and pictures all over their little clubhouse.

Now, about Jack.

Why in SAM HELL do you keep killing her and making her look like a bitch? And who paired me up with her one time? That's considered incest, you know. Same with all of those guardian-slash-fics you people write. Now when I go to sleep at night I'm afraid Wolf or Yassen will come into my room and molest me. You guys are giving me serious nightmares, you know.

Speaking of incest...

Don't pair me up with Sabina anymore. I was adopted into her family, and we're technically brother and sister now. Don't do it, otherwise I'll send the Zombie (Yassen) on you. But you can pair me up with that really hot female version of myself. It would be original, if not self-cest.

Now to get straight to the point here.

For fem-Me, can I have big boobs?

...

I'm a teenager, what do you want from me?

Love (but not really),

Alex

-...-

Yeah, this was bugging me. So I just wrote it and posted it.

This will only be continued if I get enough feedback.