The Forgiving of Coxswain Barrett Bonden
Thou shalt obey the Commandments, Bonden...
I stared over the railing at the sea today, wishing a gust of wind would just...no. The Hand of God was better suited to do justice and knock me to the waves below. I would fall without resistance and bear my punishment without complaint.
Tears were beginning to mist over my eyes, but I quickly wiped them away unceremoniously with the back of my hand. You mustn't cry in front of your messmates, Bonden...do not give them a reason to laugh... "Bonden...you're going to cook in this dreadful heat...many of the boys've gone to the gunroom, saying it's cooler than the rest of the ship for some odd reason. You look a bit ill...are you well?"
"I'll be alright, thank you, sir." I knew Captain Jack was a caring and confidential man, but he had other duties, and I couldn't trouble him with my sins.
"Come now, Bonden, I've known you for years and haven't seen you so pale since winter. This sun would tan the water. Something has got to be wrong. I also saw Lilith crying, is something going on between the two of you?" Oh, no...not my Pond Lily in tears...no, no...
I was ready to bawl like a babe. His hand warmly squeezed my shoulder. I looked up.
"May I?" He asked motioning at the deck.
I nodded. "I've no objection, sir."
He gingerly sat down and slipped his legs between the bars of the railing, like I had.
"Now, what's the problem, Bonden?"
"Do you...do you know the seventh Commandment, sir?"
"I know the Commandments, though not in order. Which one is that?"
"The one about...about adultery." Don't cry in front of your captain, Barrett...how undignified is that?
"Sweet Lord..." I could tell he was genuinely shocked. "Is that why Lilith is torn up? Oh, my, Bonden, how could you?!"
"I...I..." Honestly, there was no excuse for what I'd done."I was drunk, sir."
"Poor Lilith, how horrid she must feel! And angry, too!"
"Well...she called me a lechering son of a gun in front of the crew." I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again, the wetness still there, unfortunately. I was very embarrassed of the fact that I was born on a ship, but I'd deserved what I'd been called.
"Have you apologized yet?"
"I tried, sir, but she'll neither listen nor talk to me."
"Hmm," he mumbled in a low tone, thoughtful, it sounded like. "Do you honestly blame her, though, my good coxswain?"
I shook my head vigorously. "No, how could I?"
He leaned down to whisper to me, though it seemed he also meant to provide emotional warmth and comfort. "You don't wish to end it, do you, Bonden?"
"No!" I responded, grateful he understood. "No, no, not at all! I love my wife and my children and my marriage! More than anything! What I did was horrible, and if I could take it back, I would without hesitation!"
He placed his hand on my shoulder as the tears began to flow, much to my humiliation.
"You know, Bonden...I had mistresses and affairs on my wife, even before we were wed. It hurt her deeply, and she is constantly suspicious of me. I begged her forgiveness and changed my ways and vowed never to do it again. But it scarred her and angers her still. Drunk or not, Bonden, that wound will never heal on either of you."
"I know that, sir."
"But you mustn't give up on this union! I have watched your relationship from the moment you met. It was like watching you grow up, Bonden. Ever since she held your head in her lap when you received a nasty beating when losing a boxing match, you two were madly in love. The daughter of a duke's right hand man, and a lowly Navy sailor: such an unlikely yet darling pair. I watched you two grow closer as she taught you your letters and didn't once lose her temper when you become frustrated when you couldn't write your name. I watched you both dance together and stare into each other's eyes, not caring if the song was over or if you were the last ones on the dance floor. I was there at your wedding and present at the birth of your first child. And now five children, Bonden, five! Such an accomplishment in a marriage! She would not throw all that away...certainly she is angry, but she loves you! She married you, did she not?"
He was right. What I'd done was horridly wrong, but I'd be throwing away all my dear bride had done for me and the life we'd built together if I did not at least try to make amends.
"Might I beg leave, sir?" I asked, knowing what I had to do.
"Of course, Bonden." I sprang up, surprising him, and dashed to the Captain's cabin, where I knew he often let her sit.
Several members of the crew were gathered around the door, trying to coax her out. The instant they saw me, I received a hail of tongue clicking.
Young Blakeney scolded, "That was awful rotten, Bonden, awful rotten!" He placed his one good arm on his hip. "I do know that, Mr. Blakeney, but believe me when I say I've come to make attempted amends."
His angry eyes softened, as did the other crewmembers'. They parted, leaving me a path to the door. It felt like a road to hell, which was no doubt what Lily was going to give me as soon as I walked in. Swallowing any male pride that threatened to keep the wedge between my wife and I, I strutted towards the door and placed my shaky hand upon the doorknob. With a deep breath, I twisted my wrist.
Lily sat in Captain Jack's desk chair, the back facing the door. Her head was in her lap, shoulders shaking in sobs. Silent as death, I slipped in and shut the door.
"Pond Lily?" I gulped.
The shaking stopped a moment. "Leave me be you...adultering fool!" She cried in a rage, waving me off with a violent thrash of her arm, never raising her head.
"Pond Lily, please...I-I...I...you're right. I am a fool. A worthless fool. I can come up with no excuse for my crime, for there is none. I was undeserving of you from the start. When you held my head in your lap and wiped the blood from my face, I'd honestly thought I'd died and you were an angel. What man in all his days would ever earn the love of such a beautiful, incredible woman? Surely not I. And then I pushed you away. I'm not asking for your hand back, merely your forgiveness. If you do not take me back, I understand, for we both know an intelligent lady does not belong with a stupid coxswain."
Tears were welding and making my voice crack. Having said my piece, I turned to go.
"Barrett, wait."
I turned. She'd rotated in the chair, eyes full of pity, reaching out with one arm to me, as though trying to catch a dying hope.
"Yes?"
"Please come here," she choked, beginning to cry once more.
I did so, but cautiously. I didn't belong in this divine creature's presence. "I'm so sorry, Pond Lily. I-I...love you."
She looked up at me, and it felt like we were dancing, motionlessly, like we had at gatherings at such, when the music was over and we were alone. I was right back at my wedding, holding my bride's waist and taking vows to love and protect and care for her.
And to be loyal to her.
"I'm so, so sorry," I sniffed.
She motioned for me to lean down.
I bent over, feeling ashamed at being so close to this angel after hurting her.
I flinched as she touched my cheek with gentle fingertips. Toughened with wearying sailor's work, they were nonetheless velvety against my face.
"Have you asked the Father's forgiveness yet?" She asked softly, following my humiliated shifting, making it so I couldn't pull away from her hand.
Realizing something, I couldn't have pulled away anymore anyway. Dropping to my knees, I clasped my hands and bowed my head, frantically reciting the Navy prayer for penitence and the prayer for salvation, and eventually became so shaky with guilt all I could utter was, "Father, forgive me...Father, forgive me!"
I'd completely forgotten that not only had I wronged my love, I'd wronged God, and the guilt instantly came in a vicious wave that brought me to my knees in humility. I cried shameless, releasing my held-in sobs and bawling into my hands.
Lily's gentle hand rested on the top of my head, burying itself comfortingly in my mangled locks.
"Hush, Barrett..." Her palm stroked down my head, over my neck, traced my arm and came to rest on my hand.
I sobbed, shaking so violently my teeth were chattering.
"You're truly sorry, aren't you?" She whispered, almost in awe.
"Aye, Pond Lily!" I took my hands away from my face, looking at her star-struck eyes, true shock at my regret. "Aye! I've done nothing but love you, even during that disgusting act! There's no excuse for what I've done, and I cannot take it back! I cannot undo anything, merely regret what I've done. And I regret it with my entire being!" I buried my face in my hands again.
She pulled them away tenderly and wiped pathetic tears away with her thumb."It's said that tears on a man are weak," she spoke softly in my ear. "But I believe the opposite. Not in all his days would a man cry in front of his woman, not even in his most desperate attempts to win her back." She stroked my cheek with the back of her fingers and rose solemnly to her feet.
Pulling a small shiny object off the captain's deck that I couldn't quite identify, she knelt back on the floor with me again. "You are strong, Barrett, to show your emotions to me. Such proves to me you're sorry. And I forgive you. Only a man who was truly regretful would be that humble. I hope you will forgive my rage."
This time, when she touched my cheek, I burrowed into the warmth of her hand. "Thank you, Pond Lily! And do not even ask my forgiveness, it isn't needed."
She opened her free hand, sniffing as she did so. It was her wedding ring.
"I removed this is a rage. Place it...place it back on my hand, won't you?" She pressed it into my palm, her face lighting up.
I smiled. "Of course, Pond Lily. Give me your left hand."
She laid it in my right one, ever the anxious bride she was nine years ago.
I slipped the ring gently along her ring finger until it fit snugly over the red mark the metal had left before.
For a moment we sat there, clasping each other's hands and smiling at each other. My tears of guilt turned to tears of joy. Lilith was my wife again.
She gracefully rose on her feet and helped me up, at which point there was a great deal of face kissing and hugging and sniffling.
"Alright, alright...don't indulge yourselves in my cabin."
I whirled, surprised. Lily looked over my shoulder, standing on her tiptoes.
Captain Jack stood in the doorway, several of my messmates looking past him, giggling and snorting.
"Back to your watches, boys," he ordered, waving an arm behind him. "You too, Lilith, Bonden..."
"Aye, sir," we responded in unison, heading for the door, still smiling.
Before I managed to get one foot through the door, however, the Captain gave my ear a firm though cheeky yank.
"Thou shalt obey the Commandments, Bonden...especially the seventh."
Thou shalt obey the Commandments, Bonden...
I stared over the railing at the sea today, wishing a gust of wind would just...no. The Hand of God was better suited to do justice and knock me to the waves below. I would fall without resistance and bear my punishment without complaint.
Tears were beginning to mist over my eyes, but I quickly wiped them away unceremoniously with the back of my hand. You mustn't cry in front of your messmates, Bonden...do not give them a reason to laugh... "Bonden...you're going to cook in this dreadful heat...many of the boys've gone to the gunroom, saying it's cooler than the rest of the ship for some odd reason. You look a bit ill...are you well?"
"I'll be alright, thank you, sir." I knew Captain Jack was a caring and confidential man, but he had other duties, and I couldn't trouble him with my sins.
"Come now, Bonden, I've known you for years and haven't seen you so pale since winter. This sun would tan the water. Something has got to be wrong. I also saw Lilith crying, is something going on between the two of you?" Oh, no...not my Pond Lily in tears...no, no...
I was ready to bawl like a babe. His hand warmly squeezed my shoulder. I looked up.
"May I?" He asked motioning at the deck.
I nodded. "I've no objection, sir."
He gingerly sat down and slipped his legs between the bars of the railing, like I had.
"Now, what's the problem, Bonden?"
"Do you...do you know the seventh Commandment, sir?"
"I know the Commandments, though not in order. Which one is that?"
"The one about...about adultery." Don't cry in front of your captain, Barrett...how undignified is that?
"Sweet Lord..." I could tell he was genuinely shocked. "Is that why Lilith is torn up? Oh, my, Bonden, how could you?!"
"I...I..." Honestly, there was no excuse for what I'd done."I was drunk, sir."
"Poor Lilith, how horrid she must feel! And angry, too!"
"Well...she called me a lechering son of a gun in front of the crew." I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again, the wetness still there, unfortunately. I was very embarrassed of the fact that I was born on a ship, but I'd deserved what I'd been called.
"Have you apologized yet?"
"I tried, sir, but she'll neither listen nor talk to me."
"Hmm," he mumbled in a low tone, thoughtful, it sounded like. "Do you honestly blame her, though, my good coxswain?"
I shook my head vigorously. "No, how could I?"
He leaned down to whisper to me, though it seemed he also meant to provide emotional warmth and comfort. "You don't wish to end it, do you, Bonden?"
"No!" I responded, grateful he understood. "No, no, not at all! I love my wife and my children and my marriage! More than anything! What I did was horrible, and if I could take it back, I would without hesitation!"
He placed his hand on my shoulder as the tears began to flow, much to my humiliation.
"You know, Bonden...I had mistresses and affairs on my wife, even before we were wed. It hurt her deeply, and she is constantly suspicious of me. I begged her forgiveness and changed my ways and vowed never to do it again. But it scarred her and angers her still. Drunk or not, Bonden, that wound will never heal on either of you."
"I know that, sir."
"But you mustn't give up on this union! I have watched your relationship from the moment you met. It was like watching you grow up, Bonden. Ever since she held your head in her lap when you received a nasty beating when losing a boxing match, you two were madly in love. The daughter of a duke's right hand man, and a lowly Navy sailor: such an unlikely yet darling pair. I watched you two grow closer as she taught you your letters and didn't once lose her temper when you become frustrated when you couldn't write your name. I watched you both dance together and stare into each other's eyes, not caring if the song was over or if you were the last ones on the dance floor. I was there at your wedding and present at the birth of your first child. And now five children, Bonden, five! Such an accomplishment in a marriage! She would not throw all that away...certainly she is angry, but she loves you! She married you, did she not?"
He was right. What I'd done was horridly wrong, but I'd be throwing away all my dear bride had done for me and the life we'd built together if I did not at least try to make amends.
"Might I beg leave, sir?" I asked, knowing what I had to do.
"Of course, Bonden." I sprang up, surprising him, and dashed to the Captain's cabin, where I knew he often let her sit.
Several members of the crew were gathered around the door, trying to coax her out. The instant they saw me, I received a hail of tongue clicking.
Young Blakeney scolded, "That was awful rotten, Bonden, awful rotten!" He placed his one good arm on his hip. "I do know that, Mr. Blakeney, but believe me when I say I've come to make attempted amends."
His angry eyes softened, as did the other crewmembers'. They parted, leaving me a path to the door. It felt like a road to hell, which was no doubt what Lily was going to give me as soon as I walked in. Swallowing any male pride that threatened to keep the wedge between my wife and I, I strutted towards the door and placed my shaky hand upon the doorknob. With a deep breath, I twisted my wrist.
Lily sat in Captain Jack's desk chair, the back facing the door. Her head was in her lap, shoulders shaking in sobs. Silent as death, I slipped in and shut the door.
"Pond Lily?" I gulped.
The shaking stopped a moment. "Leave me be you...adultering fool!" She cried in a rage, waving me off with a violent thrash of her arm, never raising her head.
"Pond Lily, please...I-I...I...you're right. I am a fool. A worthless fool. I can come up with no excuse for my crime, for there is none. I was undeserving of you from the start. When you held my head in your lap and wiped the blood from my face, I'd honestly thought I'd died and you were an angel. What man in all his days would ever earn the love of such a beautiful, incredible woman? Surely not I. And then I pushed you away. I'm not asking for your hand back, merely your forgiveness. If you do not take me back, I understand, for we both know an intelligent lady does not belong with a stupid coxswain."
Tears were welding and making my voice crack. Having said my piece, I turned to go.
"Barrett, wait."
I turned. She'd rotated in the chair, eyes full of pity, reaching out with one arm to me, as though trying to catch a dying hope.
"Yes?"
"Please come here," she choked, beginning to cry once more.
I did so, but cautiously. I didn't belong in this divine creature's presence. "I'm so sorry, Pond Lily. I-I...love you."
She looked up at me, and it felt like we were dancing, motionlessly, like we had at gatherings at such, when the music was over and we were alone. I was right back at my wedding, holding my bride's waist and taking vows to love and protect and care for her.
And to be loyal to her.
"I'm so, so sorry," I sniffed.
She motioned for me to lean down.
I bent over, feeling ashamed at being so close to this angel after hurting her.
I flinched as she touched my cheek with gentle fingertips. Toughened with wearying sailor's work, they were nonetheless velvety against my face.
"Have you asked the Father's forgiveness yet?" She asked softly, following my humiliated shifting, making it so I couldn't pull away from her hand.
Realizing something, I couldn't have pulled away anymore anyway. Dropping to my knees, I clasped my hands and bowed my head, frantically reciting the Navy prayer for penitence and the prayer for salvation, and eventually became so shaky with guilt all I could utter was, "Father, forgive me...Father, forgive me!"
I'd completely forgotten that not only had I wronged my love, I'd wronged God, and the guilt instantly came in a vicious wave that brought me to my knees in humility. I cried shameless, releasing my held-in sobs and bawling into my hands.
Lily's gentle hand rested on the top of my head, burying itself comfortingly in my mangled locks.
"Hush, Barrett..." Her palm stroked down my head, over my neck, traced my arm and came to rest on my hand.
I sobbed, shaking so violently my teeth were chattering.
"You're truly sorry, aren't you?" She whispered, almost in awe.
"Aye, Pond Lily!" I took my hands away from my face, looking at her star-struck eyes, true shock at my regret. "Aye! I've done nothing but love you, even during that disgusting act! There's no excuse for what I've done, and I cannot take it back! I cannot undo anything, merely regret what I've done. And I regret it with my entire being!" I buried my face in my hands again.
She pulled them away tenderly and wiped pathetic tears away with her thumb."It's said that tears on a man are weak," she spoke softly in my ear. "But I believe the opposite. Not in all his days would a man cry in front of his woman, not even in his most desperate attempts to win her back." She stroked my cheek with the back of her fingers and rose solemnly to her feet.
Pulling a small shiny object off the captain's deck that I couldn't quite identify, she knelt back on the floor with me again. "You are strong, Barrett, to show your emotions to me. Such proves to me you're sorry. And I forgive you. Only a man who was truly regretful would be that humble. I hope you will forgive my rage."
This time, when she touched my cheek, I burrowed into the warmth of her hand. "Thank you, Pond Lily! And do not even ask my forgiveness, it isn't needed."
She opened her free hand, sniffing as she did so. It was her wedding ring.
"I removed this is a rage. Place it...place it back on my hand, won't you?" She pressed it into my palm, her face lighting up.
I smiled. "Of course, Pond Lily. Give me your left hand."
She laid it in my right one, ever the anxious bride she was nine years ago.
I slipped the ring gently along her ring finger until it fit snugly over the red mark the metal had left before.
For a moment we sat there, clasping each other's hands and smiling at each other. My tears of guilt turned to tears of joy. Lilith was my wife again.
She gracefully rose on her feet and helped me up, at which point there was a great deal of face kissing and hugging and sniffling.
"Alright, alright...don't indulge yourselves in my cabin."
I whirled, surprised. Lily looked over my shoulder, standing on her tiptoes.
Captain Jack stood in the doorway, several of my messmates looking past him, giggling and snorting.
"Back to your watches, boys," he ordered, waving an arm behind him. "You too, Lilith, Bonden..."
"Aye, sir," we responded in unison, heading for the door, still smiling.
Before I managed to get one foot through the door, however, the Captain gave my ear a firm though cheeky yank.
"Thou shalt obey the Commandments, Bonden...especially the seventh."