A/N I own nothing Harry Potter owned by JK Rowling and publishers Bloomsbury, Scholastic Press, Allen & Unwin, Raincoast Books and Doctor Who owned by BBC IF I did Ginny would have died in the Chamber and I would have a dalek prop to drive around
A/N 2 Contains bashing of Weasels Dark Meddlesome Plot Twist Dumbledore Helpful Goblins Crazy Robots CRACK FIC!
A/N 3 DON'T LIKE IT DON'T READ IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For my family it all happened thousands of years ago: the start of the manipulations, the lies, and the deceit of the greatest events in history. Someone left me with my despicable relatives the Dursley's where they beat, starved, and nearly raped me. First time he tried to rape me so I cut my uncles junk off with a pair conveniently placed scissors. I enjoyed hearing him squeal like a pig but of course that set off the wards summoning his mighty I can do no wrong it is for the greater good to heal my uncle and modus operandi Obliviate to make me forget after that he did not try again. Then there was the time I apperated to the school roof because dear cousin and his gang of miscreants were chasing me and could not get down it took the fire department with a cherry picker to get me down. Oh when uncle got the bill I got a got a beating within an inch of my life I was barely hanging on when oh holier than thou Albus Dumbledore came in healed again. He obliviated me and bound my magic, although I did not know this at the time. This continued for many years binding and obliviating me to the perfect little puppet. Then it all started after the disappearing glass incident, oh how fun that day was watching lard-O fall in the snake display. Thank Merlin I did not get touched after that incident just banished to the cupboard. Once released from solitary confinement life was normal as it could be at my relatives.
July 1-31, 1996
Till one day during meal the post came when I was told to fetch mostly bills and a strange letter for little old me! But of course my fat tube of horse crap cousin shout's, "look the freak got mail" Even bigger bag of manure also known as uncle grabs it opens it reads it then burns it then says red faced. "You aren't going!" Thus started the out rages journey to flee the letters till one night uncle thinks we are safe in a shack on a rock in the middle of the sea at precisely midnight on my birthday a huge boom the door falls in there was a giant of a man maybe eight feet tall standing out in the storm. When the door banged open aunt and uncle came down baring a shotgun the man introduced himself as Hagrid keeper of keys so on and so forth he wished me happy birthday and handed me a homemade cake and went searching in his pockets then at last an all too familiar letter and I open it:
HOGWARTS SCHOOL
Of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY
Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore
(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorcerer, Chief Warlock,
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)
Dear Mr. Potter,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.
Yours sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
As I ignore my relatives protest, I notice Piglet eating my cake! "That's it you piece of shit I have had it!" I shoved the letter in my pocket, went over, and beat the living shit out of Dudley not knowing my magic was backing my punches! Doing this I would eventually learn left dear cousin Dudley a retarded catatonic vegetable. Then Hagrid threw something at me. I only felt a hook behind the navel and whoosh I was gone. Next thing I knew I was laying on the steps of a tall white structure in the middle of the night. I picked up my head to look around after I finished adjusting my glasses. I noticed all these weirdly dressed people out this late at night. My eyes roamed around reading the signs: The Leaky Cauldron, Slug & Jiggers Apothecary, cauldron shop, Daily Prophet, Eeylops Owl Emporium, Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour, Flourish & Blotts, Gambol & Japes, Gringotts Wizarding Bank, and Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions, Magical Menagerie, Ollivander's, and Quality Quidditch Supplies. My sense told me to seek shelter but first I needed money so I headed to the bank. As I walked through the doors of the bank I noticed vicious looking creatures in armor with deathly pikes and a plaque that read:
Enter, stranger, but take heed
Of what awaits the sin of greed,
For those who take, but do not earn,
Must pay most dearly in their turn.
So if you seek beneath our floors
A treasure that was never yours,
Thief, you have been warned, beware
Of finding more than treasure there.
Creepy, I thought to myself. 'I mine as well continue.' I passed through the doors. There behind the counter were 'voices in my head' goblins. It felt as if I knew their lives, their history, their past, present, and future but it was as if it was not there, like the ability was removed. It was time to face the goblins and find out what I own if anything. Therefore, I approached the goblin at the counter.
"Yes," Said the goblin.
"Yes, I am Harry Potter and I am wondering about my assets!" I said
"Does Mr. Potter have his key?" said the cranky goblin
"No, nor have I ever had the key."
I looked over at goblin wearing a vicious look.
He yelled, "GRIPHOOK! Take Mr. Potter to Skullcrusher, Head of the inheritance department."
A goblin appeared.
"Follow me Mr. Potter," Said goblin that appeared.
Unknown to me the goblin I had just spoke to was now pressing an unseen button under his desk.
I followed Griphook down corridors till we approached Skullcrusher's office.
"Oh ignore old Barfbreath; he hates everyone especially since no one has put out for him in 500 years," Griphook answered. He then knocked on the door.
"Enter!" spoke a muffled voice
Griphook walked in and I followed.
"Mr. Potter knows nothing of his inheritance and from look of things anything about his powers and abilities as there are many blocks on him," said Griphook.
The goblin looked at his superior.
"Bring me Hewhosmellsofdirtydiapers and the inheritance NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The little goblin ran out as if a horny dragon was chasing him.
Meanwhile at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry ………………….
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: man with too many titles was busy planning his meddling in his High tower office at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I must have potter meet up … Dumbledore thinks. A floo call appeared in the fire place.
"Ah Hagrid how is it going with my last paw…no...No...I mean weap…student."
"Headmaster, Harry beat his cousin with an inch of his life, and the boy is now a vegetable in a hospital bed all because of a simple birthday cake; now the muggles do not want him back," said Hagrid.
(Dumbledore muttering shit fuck magic blocks broke sperm stain does not know his place)
"Hagrid, where is Harry now?"
"Could be anywhere," Said Hagrid.
"WHAT?"
Dumbledore grabbed Hagrid and pulled him through the fire
"Hagrid you are bumbling off!"
"I should have done this!"
"Look into my eyes."
"Legilimens."
Dumbledore rummaged through Hagrid's mind.
"Where does the portkey lead if I cannot find it in time I am in deep shit?"
Meanwhile back at Gringotts
Griphook returned with Hewhosmellslikedirtydiapers, who was dragged in by security goblins.
"Now that we have the potter account manager present let us precede. Griphook bring me the equipment," Said Skullcrusher
Griphook places a piece of blue parchment and a dagger on the desk.
"Now Mr. Potter, please use the dagger and slit you palm and let the blood drip onto the blue parchment in front of you!"
I did as the scary goblin instructed. then slit my hand let the drop after this the cut heals like it was never there .
I look at my hand amazed flipping it over in shock to see not even a trace of the cut.
"Now what?" I asked, turning to see the blue parchment turn white as writing spread across the parchment:
Name: Harry James Mordred Potter
Age: Unknown
Race: (Blocked)
Parents:
James Merlin Potter
Race (Blocked)
Birth: Unknown Death: Unknown
Lily Evans Potter
Race: (Blocked)
Birth: Unknown Death: Unknown
Vault # 00 Merlin:/Potter
Established 1001 A.D.
Funds: 9.99 Centillion galleons
Items:
One Sword (Excalibur)
One Staff (Control Components Missing in Time)
One pocket watch
Various Wands and Books from throughout the world
Clothes
Cloaks
Various Paintings
Properties
Camelot Castle, Wales: Suspended in time
#25 Merlin Ct. Godric's Hollow, Wales
Vault # 687 Potter Trust Vault
Established 1010 A.D.
Funds:
Total in vault: 25 galleons
(Refills to five billion galleons every year)
"Damn that is a lot of stuff. However, what is this! There are only 25 galleons in my trust vault?" I asked Skullcrusher passing out.
"BRING ME SHITFORBRAINS!" The red-faced goblin yelled at Griphook, who ran out as he felt like his ass was on fire.
A/N 4 WHINING IS NOT TOLERATED You have been WARNED!!!!!!!!!!!REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!