Disclaim...disclaim...disclaim...neither the characters or NCIS: Los Angeles are mine...if they were, Mike Renko would have survived and guest starred twice a season...or better yet there would have been a spin-off created, NCIS: Insert Your City, that starred Renko as the Senior Agent in Charge...

She Wasn't Alone

The cold smooth stone only reminded her of the man that lay beneath; it was surrounded within a group of similarity, yet it stood solid and solitary. She felt underdressed in her dark denim jeans, simple short sleeved yellow shirt, and lime green converse shoes. Her hair was limp, still slightly wet from her morning shower. She knew that he could care less about what she wore, how she looked, and suddenly she felt a combination of devastation and foolishness. She clenched her hazel eyes closed and pressed her lips together as she hugged her torso. She could see him in her mind's eye; his smile crooked, his thick dark hair contrasting with his beautiful, sparkling blue eyes, and she could hear him making a wise crack about preferring her without any clothing. He was a charming smart ass, but he had been her charming smart ass.

A wounded sound caught in her throat as she felt her throat constrict and lungs burn. He was dead. The man who had taught her how to live, how to love with her whole heart, how it was okay to sometimes lose control was gone. The man that had promised to return to her, that after his next Operation which she would find out was the Point Blank Gun Range, he would transfer to the Los Angeles Field Office, to accept the promotion to lead his own Field Team.

Special Agent Mike Renko had been a liar and she a fool. A fool, because she understood the dangers of his job, yet she believed that he was different, that he was indestructible, that he was Super Man. She saw the dangers of his job everyday; she had never watched him take on those dangers until that day a couple of weeks ago, the day an expert Undercover Operative was reduced to a casualty, a cruel chess move. He had died, because of a pointless grudge at the hand of an international psychotic terrorist. He hadn't died in the line of duty, per se, he had been ambushed by a sniper as he flirted with Kensi after everyone thought that The Point Blank Gun Range was secured, safe. Oh, how wrong they had been.

She tightened her arms around her mid-section and bowed her head as the tears flowed down her face. It was hard to breathe, it legitimately hurt to inhale and exhale. It hurt to remember all of the good times together. It hurt to remember reality, that this wasn't some nightmare, that he wouldn't ever come home, that he would never again hug her, kiss her, smirk at her, tell her that he loved her. It simply hurt. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. She wanted her Mike back. She wanted revenge. She wanted closure. She wanted acknowledgment, verification.

"Why?" She choked, the sound of her voice raw and strangled. "Why Mike? It wasn't supposed to happen." She growled. "We were supposed to be happy." She sobbed as her knees buckled and she fell to the ground, landing on her knees, her torso slightly bent inward, her palms flat on the dirt, the barely there grass that had yet to grow back since the grave was only two weeks old. "You prom," Her voice cracked, and the word promise broke to match her heart, "Ised me a happy ever after," She pounded the ground with the sides of her fists. "Not this," She whined as she continued to pound the ground. "Never ever this."

She lurched forward and her forearms landed against the hard ground. She rested her forehead against her closed, clenched fists. She forced herself to breath; every breath she took was deliberate, because she felt the hyperventilation. She felt her lungs losing oxygen. The brief thought that she wanted to die, to join her love on the other side had crossed her mind several times since the final word, since Hetty had confirmed that Agent Mike Renko had died. But Nell knew, she had known in her heart when she saw him fall to the ground, that when it was discovered that he had been shot by a sniper, she had known that her Mike was gone, it had taken everything within her to not cry out, to not lose control in Ops. She had held unto the thin belief that he could survive the attack, but she knew the belief was flimsy at best.

That day had been two weeks ago, so much had happened, and yet it felt like yesterday when their mutual friend, Nate Getz, had first introduced them. It had been May of 2009, she had been a twenty-year-old recent college graduate visiting a family friend, he a thirty-five-year old Federal Agent, Navy veteran, former cop. She had been charmed and enthralled from the time she saw him; he had made her a believer of love at first sight. She had done her best to ignore him, because after all, that was what she did, what she had always done when she liked a guy, but he was relentless and she a push-over.

"I miss you," She whispered and began to sob harder. She began coughing as she sobbed harder and harder. Her whole body shook at the ferocity of her heartbreak, her despair. She had held it together as long as she had, because if she lost control, she feared she would never again regain it. Now that she had lost control, she feared she would never want to be again in control again. What she failed to realize was that she was not alone, that she did not have to grieve alone.

Several minutes later, she was choking for air, essentially being strangled by her grief. She felt a soft touch on her left shoulder and she flinched. She felt as if she had somehow dishonored Mike by being caught at his final resting place.

No one, but Nate, had known that Mike and Nell had even known each other, let alone in love with the other. How did she explain her presence at his grave? How did she explain that she had lost the one person who knew her best of all?

Thank you for reading. Next part comng soon.

On Another Note,

Are you a Criminal Minds fan as well as a NCIS: Los Angeles one? Ever read fanfiction for Criminal Minds? Did you know that the nominations have started for the Profiler's Choice Criminal Minds FanFic Awards over in the Criminal Minds category on the forum, Chit Chat On Author's Corner? Help choose the best of the best of the Criminal Minds stories on this lovely website. Let your voice be heard, check out the nomination ballot and rules at the Chit Chat on Author's Corner Forum. All rules and information are on the forum.

- Bren Gail