The first failure was always the worst. All subsequent failures, no matter their severity, only built on it. The first set the tone.
And Alphys had many, many failures. The first was by no means the worst, that spot was clearly, obviously, horrifically taken. But if she'd...if she'd just done something right back then, she wouldn't have-all those people wouldn't-if she'd been better then, then maybe when it mattered she wouldn't have so royally screwed up. Heh "royal" screw-ups from the Royal Scientist. Maybe Asgore was the one who screwed up. He shouldn't have hired her. Or trusted her. Or kept her. Nobody should trust her. Asgore, all of the others who were counting on her...Undyne. Yeah, she definitely didn't deserve trust. Everything about her was all wrong. Her mother thought so too. She knew right away. She didn't live to see how right she was. Maybe that was for the best. She didn't want to fail her anymore than she already had.
That was, after all, her first failure. She failed to be her mother's daughter.
Alphys was always aware that she was nothing like the daughter her mother wanted. Her mother was the definition of a strong woman. Beautiful, confident, competent. And honest. Alphys always knew where she stood, and it was always "below expectations." She didn't always have to say it, Alphys could see it. Her mother had a very special look of utter disgust reserved just for her. And she was right really. Who would want a daughter like...this? She was a coward and a liar and thoroughly, dangerously useless. All she's good for is anime trivia, but who even cares about that? She was always a loser. She knew it, her mother knew it, and the only reason everyone-Undyne-doesn't know it is because she's been hiding behind her own lies as much as she could. She wished she was even a good liar, but she couldn't even do that right. Undyne was just so kind. She deserved so much better. A better friend, a better...Well, she can still have better. Alphys and her lies wouldn't get in the way of that.
Everything with Undyne was another failure of hers, but a necessary one. Undyne had saved her life after-everything. Alphys wouldn't have survived having her, more than anyone else, look at her the way her mother did, the way she deserved to be seen. Without her, after all that, she wouldn't have been able to stand herself much longer.
Because her biggest failure was unspeakable and terrible and she already lived with it, kept it in her home, what use was it to even think about it? She considered locking herself down there with them so many times, but she was too much of a coward to do even that. She spent most of her time hiding from what she'd done to them just by staying with them. She'd failed them, and she'd failed their families. The least she could do was spare their loved ones the pain of living with her mistakes. Hah another lie. She was just scared of what they'd do, the monster they'd see when they found out. And she didn't stay in that lab to take care of them. She stayed there to make herself feel better. No one could see her. And if she took care of them, if she could look at them and still see their souls then maybe she could tell...Again with the lies. She had to face the facts: she wouldn't be telling anyone. She could barely even tell herself what she did. Spineless little lizard that she was. Maybe she just didn't have enough determination?
...Asgore was too ridiculously nice. She'd failed him too when she'd done...what she did. She had the mug he'd brought her right after on her desk even now. He deserved better too. Maybe if she lied enough, and they all thought they had better, it would actually make her better? Right. That idea was even worse than the MewMew: Kissie-Cutie sequel. And she didn't say that lightly.
She even had another chance to help everyone for real, but she'd already failed miserably at that. She didn't even know what she would have done if the human had actually done serious damage to Mettaton. Why did that surprise her so much anyway? She didn't think. Clearly, she that was a common theme in her life. If she'd been thinking, she wouldn't have nightmares living in her basement. She didn't even manage to stop the human from going to Asgore. At best, the child dies-Undyne's friend dies-but at least they'd all go free. At worst...she'd have failed Asgore again. And who would be there to forgive her then? To tell her pretty lies, like it wasn't her fault, and how could she have known, and she tried her best. Her best wasn't good enough. Asgore shouldn't have to die for that.
This was it, wasn't it? Her last shot at proving her mother-herself-wrong. She'd failed again and possibly doomed them all. The end of her world was coming, and it was her fault. And now Asgore would pay the price. Kill or be killed. Where has she heard that before? There was someone...It didn't matter now. Asgore had never killed before. He didn't have the heart for it, no matter what he said. It was always...someone else. Anyone else. Undyne gave up an eye the first time she took a life. What would Asgore give up? And if he couldn't, what would happen to everyone's dreams? Would they keep wishing on fake stars for a freedom they could never have? Would they give up and wait for the end? How many more people did her failure condemn to despair? She had one shot, one more that she didn't deserve, one more opportunity to prove herself unworthy. Maybe she should have injected herself too, joined the others. They all forgot. How wonderful would it be to forget? It would be the coward's way out, but she wouldn't pretend to be above it. It would be better than she deserved. Because, really, who else had ever failed as catastrophically as she had? Who else, when given so many second, third, fourth chances, sank to mediocrity so quickly? Honestly (for once), her first failure was being born as herself.
The first failure was always the worst. Her mother was right to be disappointed.
On the bright side, if anything happened to Asgore, she'll have already failed for the last time.