TITLE: I'm Singing It To You
AUTHOR: ME
SUMMARY: Future Seth/Summer fic. Something is brought upon the young couple that leaves one in pieces. Songfic to Plain White T's "Radios In Heaven"
DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING. Neither the characters nor the song. This story is a one-shot, so their will be no more to it.
Your time has already come and I don't know why
I look down at our tightly clasped hands. Another day, another hospital trip. You are crying. I can't hear your tears but I see them, rolling silently down your face. Your pretty face is all twisted up in fear, a million needles and you're still terrified of them.
Your hand wraps around my wrist and yanks me down, "I don't want to do it again Seth." You whine softly into my ear.
I can do nothing but kiss your forehead and tell you I know. I know how much you hate this, how much you wish your life was like it was a few years ago. When everything seemed perfect. We were perfect, life was perfect, just everything was perfect.
I can still remember that day, the day when we found out that not all good things stay good. They are all bound to turn sour at some point.
The last thing that I had heard
You were doing just fine
Our last check-up was one of the happiest moments of my life. They said the cancer was gone. They told us it wouldn't come back. I wrapped my arms around your waist and held you tightly. You were sobbing against my shoulder, but I knew that it was happy tears not sad or worried tears.
I thought it would be perfect. Our life could finally get on how we wanted it to. We could buy that new house we had been looking at and finally start a family. I was so stupid to have thought it was really gone.
I remember hearing you throw up for the third time in one day. That's when I suspected something was wrong. It could have just been the flu, but being an over-protective husband, I rushed you to the hospital. Something I wish I had never done.
Sitting in the waiting room was pure torture. The doctor finally came out and beckoned me to follow him down the white hallway that I had grown to hate. The whole hospital I hated. The bare, white walls, the cold tile floor, the smell of sickness and death.
When we got to his office I instantly came up to you. You were crying, and wouldn't look me in the eye. The doctor told me that he had some news and wanted me to take a seat. So I did. I was stupid, I could have run and never had to hear those words.
"The cancer came back."
It seems like just yesterday
I was laughing with you
Playing games at Grandma's house
That was a week ago. One long week was spent watching you go back to your sick-self. It was horrible seeing the person you love go through the pain over again. But we made it through. And here we are, our first appointment since it came back.
You are clenching your eyes shut tightly, whispering random words over and over again. Your mouth is in a frown, causing your whole face to wrinkle up and make my heart hurt. It's over quickly, the needles in your arm and a while after we are out.
I deicide to surprise you, making a sharp turn which leads us down to the beach. Grabbing a blanket out of the trunk I reach out for your hand. We both turn and run down to the water, wadding in and letting it wrap around our ankles.
I can see a faint trace of a smile play on your lips. But not a full one. That would have been fine, a full smile. You didn't have one though, no big smile, no loud laugh. Nothing.
All I want is for you to be able to be somewhat like who you used to be. But you can't, and I'm not mad at that. I know that it isn't your fault. But you probably think it is, that for some reason God is punishing you. But he isn't.
The cancer came back and took away your life. Like it had the first time. It's so hard to see you go through all this pain baby. So hard.
Well you taught me well, didn't you?
I hope I'm just like you
You are starting to freak out. Saying that you just want to end it all. You just want out of this messed up life. This whole big problem that you had no way to stop.
But you always change your mind, saying things like "I can't leave my family and friends behind, they won't get on without me" or "I can't leave you."
I know that if I were in your position I wouldn't want to go on, and I wouldn't. I wouldn't stop to think of my family and friends. I would definitely not put them ahead of me. That's where we are different. You are so caring to everyone around you and I'm not. I wish that those words will teach me something that I can use in the future.
The words "I can't leave you" are the ones that break my heart. Because in both of ours we know that one day you will have to, and we won't be able to stop it. It will come and hit us at full speed.
The thought scares me. Knowing that one day I won't be waking up to find you curled around my body. I won't be able to kiss you and hold you. Most importantly, I won't have someone to love.
Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do
Cause they're playing my song on the radio
And I'm singing it to you
You are sitting on the couch as I come up beside you. Kicking off my good work shoes I sit down beside you.
"Home already?" you ask, your brown eyes filling up with the joy of seeing me home early.
Instead of answering you I just bring your head to mine and kiss you. The tears start to come out and I can't stop them. Backing away from you I see that tears are forming in your eyes also.
Wiping mine away with my arm I raise my hand and gently brush yours off your face. Seeing you bite your lip I ask you what you're thinking about.
You simply reply shocked me, "Heaven."
I just nod and let you continue.
"I'm just wondering what it will be like, if there even is one. I've just come to realize that one day I will have to see it, and I just don't know what it'll be like."
There's silence in the room until you speak up again.
"I love you."
You left before I had a chance to say goodbye
But that's the way life usually is
It just passes you by
Three whole months have passed by, and you've just gotten worse and worse. Dropping you off at the hospital I was going to go around back and park but you told me to leave, to go home and get some rest. I was thankful for that, seeing as taking care of you became a big part of my life and sleeping turned into something not so important.
I wish I hadn't.
Sitting around the phone brought me out of my sleep. Grabbing blindly for it I finally got a hold of it.
The words uttered by the doctor on the other end made me feel as though I had just been shot.
And I think I did get shot. A bullet sliced through my heart at those words. The person who shot it was leaving me on the floor, in a puddle of blood, waiting for me to die.
I ran two red lights and parked in the handicap parking spot, but I made it there in ten minutes. Racing through the doors I ran up to the desk and demand to know where you are. They tell me and I'm off.
I open the doors to your room to see you lying on the bed. Your head leaning up against a fluffy white pillow.
It makes me sick. Your skin is a bluey-purpley colour, and your bones are all sticking out. I'm afraid I'm too late. But, no, I can see your chest slowly rise and fall.
Walking over to you I grab your hands whispering I love you, over and over again. The machines beep around me while I wait for my reply.
Then a tiny voice whispers out to me, "I love you too."
All that is heard is a loud beep, followed by my echoing scream as I fall to the ground.
But you can't hold on to regrets
And you can't look back
The doctors have to phone my mom and dad to come and pick me up. They tell me I'm not fit to be driving. Well who would've known that? My wife just died and apparently I'm not fit to be driving.
They all tell me it is going to be a rough few weeks. And that there are counselling groups that I can attend. They also say that I should make plans for a funeral.
I'm not going to. At least not for a few weeks, or months.
My mom is bawling as she walks up to me, and my dad follows her with a pained expression on his face. As soon as I see them I break down again. My mom wraps her arms around me and I cry into her shoulder.
It is and awkward drive home. They don't take the turn that leads to my house and I almost protest but then I realize that maybe I don't want to go home after all. Pulling into the driveway of the house that I spent most of my childhood in the tears come even harder.
It was in this house that our relationship all started. I take off as the thoughts swirl through my mind. I can hear my mom screaming for me to come back but I don't listen, I just run.
So I'll just be thankful for the
Times that I had with you
I hope I'm just like you
My running leads me down to the beach, where I kick at the sand and throw rocks around violently. Screaming out to the waves. A mother leads her child away from where I'm tossing around rocks and screaming. I glare at her and flip her off.
Giving me a look she takes off. I can hear her telling her little kid to never do that, and that when he grows up to never be like that mean man. The sudden realization strikes me. We can never do that, we can never have the child we wanted.
Seeing the band of gold on my left hand I whip it off. Holding it in my hand, high above my head I'm ready to throw it out into the sea but something brings me back into reality.
This ring is a part of you and me. I can't just toss it away so easily. It hurts to put it back on, but I have to.
Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do
Cause they're playing my song on the radio
And I'm singing it to you
Can you give me a sign? Tell me that you are okay, tell me to not worry about you. I really need something so my heart can be at ease. I'm acting stupid, I know that you are okay. I know that you're getting taking care of up there. But please just tell me you're okay.
The sky's all grey and cloudy, but can you see me? Can you see me sitting here on this damp rock staring up at the clouds?
Did you see me scream for you? Did you see my heart break in two? I hope that you didn't see that. I hope that you don't think that you are bad for leaving me. Please don't think that. I'll be fine. Maybe.
It's starting to drizzle, I can feel the rain hit my head over and over again, getting heavier with every passing moment.
Nice sign God. Real nice sign.
If they don't have radios in heaven
Here's what I'll do
You hated the rain. You said it made your hair get messed up, and it made you feel sad inside. You told me that when it rained outside you felt as though you couldn't do anything. That it wasn't worth getting up on a rainy morning.
And now it rains.
It's not just raining, no it's pouring. I can't believe it. I though that maybe a sign that you're okay would be the sky clearing up, not rain. I can't take this.
I can feel it start to drench my clothing. I can feel my hair start to stick to my forehead, in sticky, wet curls. Everyone has left the beach. I'm all alone in the rain. So I start screaming again.
I'm not saying anything, I'm just screaming, loudly. Over and over again the screams rip through my throat.
I'm cold, and my throat is aching before I stop and start to walk back to my parent's house.
I can bring my guitar when my time is up
And I'll play it for you
It's been a week since you died. God, that word sends shivers up my spine. To say that you are dead is almost as bad as all those people, 'I'm so sorry for you, she was such a great person'. I want to claw their hearts out when those words pass their lips. Instead I go off and claw at my own.
I've been thinking lately, wouldn't it be better if I just joined you? I mean, then I wouldn't have to sit here crying and screaming. I could be up there with you, kissing you and talking to you.
I've decided to go ahead and join you. I just don't know how. I could take a razor and slash my wrists, or I could just go to sleep after taking a bottle of pills. I've also thought about grabbing a gun and blowing my brains out. When I choose, I'll come and see you.
I'm going for the gun, that way it will be over right away. There will be no waiting around to die, there will be no chance to turn back. The metal is shiny and cold, it reminds me of the rock I sat on a week ago while it rained around me.
There's suddenly a huge bang in the silent room. The gun lies on the floor as I stand, shaking, staring at it in horror.
I can't do it. I just can't.
Tell me can you hear me now
If not, then I can try to sing real loud
What's it like up on the other side of the clouds?
I wish I could ask you personally. I wish I didn't have to just pretend as though you can hear me. I wish I didn't have to pretend that you are answering me back. I wish I didn't have to pretend.
I come to this rock everyday now. It's been four days since my attempted suicide. I haven't told anyone about it except for you. And I can't even be sure that you can hear me. There have been times in the past few days where I wish I had done it, but most of the time I'm glad I didn't.
I really want to know now if you're okay. Ever since the rain fell around me a week and a half ago, I've had my good days, my bad days, and my outright horrible days. On the good days I know that you're fine. On the bad ones I feel as though something is bothering both of us. And on the horrible days I sometimes get the thought that maybe you aren't okay.
So that's why I want to ask you. How is it up there? As great as you thought it to be I'm hoping. I guess I'll just have to wait for my time to come to see it. I'm wondering now if you'll still want me when I come up there, old and wrinkly.
I hope you do. Who knows maybe everyone becomes young again when they go up to heaven. I hope so, I couldn't imagine being old.
I hope I'm just like you
I hope I turn out to be as good as you
I've tried it again. By it I'm talking suicide. I cut the other day, they were all talking about funerals and I couldn't handle it. I ran right out of the building and out into the car, where I almost got into an accident driving home. Driving in a panic is not a good thing to do.
The cut hasn't healed yet and every time I see it I feel as though I've let you down. You wouldn't want me to be doing this to myself. You wouldn't want me to be hurting myself over you. It's just so hard. It's so hard to go on living as though everything is okay.
I'm being selfish, you would know how hard it is. You were the one who lived for a year and a half with cancer, having one a few months without it during that time. You were the one who went to check-up after check-up. I didn't have to do that, I still don't have to do that.
I couldn't imagine having to live with the fact that every day could be your last. I can't imagine how you lived like that. It tears me up inside to know that you did.
And do they have radios in heaven
I hope they do
Cause their playing my song on the radio
And I'm singing it to you
I'm singing it to you
It's you funeral today. You died three weeks ago. Three agonizing weeks of pain and tears. I can't believe I made it through. I really don't know how I did.
My cut's starting to heal now, thank God I'm wearing a long sleeved shirt. My family would kill me if they saw it. I've started to see a therapist. My mom made me after she sat with me for a week while I cried each and every night. She's nice to me. But I hate her for how much she makes me talk about you. I don't want to have to relieve every single moment of your sickness. I want to remember happiness.
I'm being called now, we're heading to the funeral homes to say our final good byes to you. I really don't want to go but I have to.
I don't want to see you be shut up in a box and then lowered into the ground. I don't want to hear more sympathetic people saying how sorry they are for me.
I'm going to put on my brave face and go down there now. I hope that you're watching this all from up there.
Well if they don't have radios in heaven
Here's what I'll do
I can bring my guitar when my time is up
And I'll play it for you
It's done. You are now six feet under the ground. In a shiny coffin, that is lined with purple silk. The same shade of purple as your engagement ring, the same purple of the flowers you wore in your hair on our wedding day.
I didn't follow along to the supper with the rest of them, instead I stayed here with you. I know that soon I will have to join them but for now I just want to be here with you.
I'm leaning up against the cool slab of marble. Tracing your name over and over again with my finger. Tracing the words 'I love you', that I made them put on their as a message from me. I lean my forehead against the marble, loving the cold the now washes over my body in waves, which send shivers down my spine.
It's raining again. And I'm cursing under my breath. This day was a perfect day for this all to happen and it had to start to rain. My tears are soon mixing with the rain that falls across my face. The wind is slashing across my face, in long, cold blows. My suit jacket and pants and muddy and wet. But I don't care.
All I care about now is how mad I am at you for leaving me. For leaving me alone in the cold, hard world with no one. The thought makes me sob harder. I can't be mad at you. You didn't do anything wrong.
But suddenly the rain stops and the sun is warming my freezing back. I get up and hiccup softly, the sobs still coming out strong. Turning my face towards the warmth I smile through my tears. Because at this moment I know that you are doing fine.
I wipe away my tears and yell to the sky.
"I miss you baby. But, oh God, I love you so much Summer. So much."
I'll play it for you