*Disclaimer*: I do not own The Forest of Hands and Teeth. I hope Carrie Ryan wouldn't murder me for using her characters.
I can feel my heart breaking. I am ripping apart, a seam tearing down my chest, leaving jagged edges. I can see Travis standing in front of the cathedral, Cass's hand in his. I watch as she stretches up to kiss his cheek, see the way his face flushes with pleasure. The blood begins to spill out of the void inside me, taking any reason for living with it. Somewhere in the back of my mind I am aware that I am shaking as Harry and I step onto the pedestal to join Travis and Cass, to be married.
Harry puts an arm around my shoulders and whispers in my ear, "I love you, Mary." I know he means it to reassure me, but his words tear me open further, guilt ripping at my flesh. I wish I could say the words back, could give him the love that he deserves.
I listen numbly to Sister Tabitha's prayers and barely notice a plain silver ring being slipped on my finger. Travis is kissing Cass, the village is wishing them luck and they are walking away to their new home. Their new life. A life that does not include me. Whatever tie Travis and I once shared is breaking. My chance of life with him, a life of happiness, has vanished. The pain is so acute that I must turn away. I cannot bear to see their happiness any longer.
* **
"Oh, Mary…." Harry moans. His hands caress my body and all I can think about is how wrong this is. This is never what I wanted, not the way I thought my life would go. It is my wedding night, after all. It should be a happy time.
"Mary?" Harry whispers. "Are you ready?" No, I think to myself. I will never be ready for this. How does one go about sleeping with your childhood friend? With someone you don't love, not in that way. I do love Harry. But I love him as a friend, a brother.
He slides his hands up my body and I cringe. He takes it as encouragement and peels off his shirt. I want to tell him to stop, but the guilt holds my tongue. Harry deserves better than me. He deserves a girl who can fully love him, one who will be happy in the village. A girl who is content to be trapped behind these fences. I feel as though I owe this small thing to Harry. I close my eyes and my heart.
I know little of love making. My mother died before she could ever tell me, but Harry seems to know what he's doing. I think about my mother and how madly in love she was with my father. Was their wedding night like this? Harry is gentle and loving with me and I try to enjoy the feeling, but I can't help wonder what it would have been like with Travis. I imagine that it's Travis' hands on my hips, his voice whispering "I love you" in my ears. His child I will bear. His arms around me, for the rest of our lives.
When Harry is done he holds me and falls into a sound sleep, and I realize. I understand now that I can never be happy here. I can never be content with Harry, no matter how good he is to me. Why didn't Travis come for me? He never loved you, I tell myself and my heart screams in protest. Tears stream down my face as I throw off the blankets and go to the little frosted by the bed. I stare out at the Unconsecrated, past the fence, down the path and towards the unknown. I wonder, what makes them "unconsecrated" and us so holy? In that moment I make my decision. I look at Harry's peaceful figure and know in my heart what I must do.
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