The year is 2030 somewhere in the eastern United States. I would tell you where, but I don't remember it's new name. You see, something terrible has happened in the last 17 years. Work ends, I begin my journey home through the boulevard of broken memes. The first thing I see walking down the street is an advertisement for a candidate for office. Rather crudely there is a dog face photoshoped over his own head. It reads, "Such politics, so smart, so best candidate, vote wow!". As someone with 24/7 access to a firearm, everyday is a battle not to off myself. I'm almost home. A bus passes on the other side of the street and rests at a nearby stop. Painted along the side are too many rage faces to count. My face contorts as my hand reaches towards my piece, but "Not Today" I think as I continue on. I arrive home, lock the the door and sigh. Even my profession as a police officer was not safe from this madness, as were are now official designated as "Good-Guys". My name is Good-Guy Samuel Raithel, and this is my story.
Let me tell you what happened to my country.
In the year 2020 the progressives once again were trying to seem relevant by claiming that the United States of America was not democratic enough. They played on the popular disinformation that the United States is a democracy instead of a republic. The scary part is they got a huge following this time, how you ask? Reddit. They posted in almost every subreddit. From /r/picsofdeadkids to /r/picsofhorsevaginas the progressives gathered an army. At the end of year, Congress no longer existed. It was replaced by a direct diplomacy, and where did you cast your vote? Reddit. This system became so popular that every bit of government was replaced with Reddit diplomacy. Upvotes became a status symbol for the elite. Memes became the standard for humor. The state religion became militant atheism. The United States of Reddit was born.
This is no bad dream or sick fantasy, this is my life. I have one escape though, one way to keep living. The one benefit of the Reddit take over was the amount of state spending to go to research. Something wonderful was developed 5 years ago, it is my panacea. I enter my Shangri La, its a room that is empty except for a computer, a desk with chair, and an odd looking mask. I take a seat, boot up the tower, and wear the mask. In this moment I feel euphoric. At first all there is, is darkness. But slowly a blank slate of a world materializes around me. This is the good that came from the evil. This is my virtual reality machine. This world is artificial but to me it's more real than the alternative I have. Here, all my favorite fanfictions become fan realities. I know what I'm going to do first today. I give the command, "Load Midna.".
An impish figure appears before me. One thing is unusual about Midna right now though, shes about as tall as a 5 story building. As a generic city builds around me I see her eye me mischievously. She licks her lips. I know where this is going, I begin to sprint. Shes chasing me through the streets, I run terrified. But in reality this is what I want. Because I'm a really sick fucking faggot who likes being eaten by a little girl, but I digress. I reach a dead-end. I know what this means for me, the mere thought giving me a slight erection. I turn around and there she is towering over me. She swiftly grabs me and slowly brings me closer to her mouth. MY DICK IS DIAMOND. I'm getting closer, I can feel her warm breath slowly breezing past me. My dick is as hard as graphene right now. I see something emerge from her lips, it's her tongue. She begins to lick my entire body. It feels the like utter disappointment that my mother would express if she were to find out about this degenerate fetish of mine. I feel a strong force hit my backside and next thing I know I'm inside of her mouth.
Shes not chewing, because in my mind the fact that I don't like gore vore somehow makes me feel superior about my own tastes. My clothes are becoming soaked in a mixture of spit and my own precum. It feels like I'm being waterboarded which in turn increases my excitement due to the connection between that form of torture and America the greatest country on earth. Occasionally I brush against her teeth and I imagine that this is what being in a washing machine would feel like. Shes now playing with me, she begins to swallow but gags to push me back in her mouth. Each time I get closer and closer to my doom only to emerge slime covered in her mouth again. It's like being a waterside going up. My head feels fuzzy, not from the stress of being inside of her but from the disgust I feel about my own fetish. I feel something hit my back, it's her tongue. Shes pressing me against the roof of her mouth as hard as she can, like her tongue is the undertaker at wrestlemania. She begins sliding me towards her throat. I think that this is really it this time. I feel the walls of her throat constrict across my legs and waist, and I am slowly dragged down. The slow speed of my descent only serves as a reminder of how fucking stupid this fetish is. I'm surprised as the pressure fades and I begin a brief freefall only to land with a splash in her stomach. Whats even more surprising is who is there waiting for me.
"Hi its meeee!, VideoGameDunkey!" he shouts. I am deeply confused as to why this fantasy of mine has created Dunkey inside of Midnas belly. He runs up and grabs me, his chubby fingers making quite the unpleasant sound when he grabs my spit covered arm. "SAMUEL THIS MISSIONS TOO DANGEROUS, WE GOTTA PULL YOU OUT!" he shouts. He pulls me down into the stomach acid and we begin swimming into her bowels. The second we leave her stomach I see a blinding bright light.
I'm now in a room I've never seen before. I look down and see my VR mask off on the floor. Somebody must have broken into my house and moved me here while I was busy fantasizing. I see 5 figures enter the door. The first is Dunkey, hes followed by Will Smiff, Tom Hanks, the Rock, and Macho man Randy Savage. "What the fuck is going on you shitters" I ask. Then I look to the wall on my left and see a defaced Reddit flag. I know whats going on, I've been accepted into ALF, the AntiReddit Liberation Forces. Tom Hanks hands me a rifle. Immediately I ejaculate into my pants.
After changing my pants we begin our Journey, we arrive at Le WhiteHouse after a few hours. I take the point as we storm past the GoodGuy Guards. I see Macho Man Randy Savage grab one by his face and slam him against a support beam of Le WhiteHouse while shouting "OH YEA". I swear the impact sent blood flying miles away. A brain covered Macho Man Randy Savage then proceeds to rip open the front doors of Le WhiteHouse. But as were about to enter we hear what sounds like a monster sized engine. Turnning around we see that an Abrams Tank has arrived, and begins to point its barrel at us. Tom Hanks lets out a small laugh as he aim his M1911 and fires. The tank immediately explodes leveling at least a block of the city, the explosion knocks us deep into Le WhiteHouse. As we recover, Will Smiff points out whats in front of us. A door with a sign that reads "Oval Office xD". Dunkey kicks open the door and shouts "EVERYONE ON THE GROUND YOU MOTHA FUCKAS". President Obama bin Laden reacts immediately drawing his saiga-12 gas-operatived revolver machine gun and shoots Dunky square in the chest. "NOOOOO", I shout as I run to his side as Obama bin Nigger laughs maniacally at his desk. I feel Dunkey grab my hand, he looks me dead in the eye and softly whispers "Not even close baby". I hear a faint sigh escape his throat, hes dead. But wait he put something into my hand, its a card? No it's five cards. Left Leg of the Forbidden One, Left Arm of the Forbidden One, Exodia the Forbidden One, Right Arm of the Forbidden One, Right Leg of the Forbidden One. Dunkey you son of a bitch. I look to my group of mourning freedom fighers, and hand them each a card keeping one to myself. When they see the cards an expression of hope lights up on their faces. Obama bin Loser is not amused however.
"IT'S YOUR TURN, QUIT STALLING AND DRAW YOUR NEXT CARD" he shouts.
I smirk, and reply,"THE CARD I PULLED IS EXODIA THE FORBIDDEN ONE".
"AH WHAT THE?" Obama bin Ladel responds?
"I'VE ASSEMBLED ALL THE FIVE NEEDED CARDS" I continue.
"NO WAY? IT'S... IT'S EXODIA, YOU'RE SAYING YOU PREFORMED A MIRACLE?"
"HELLFIRES RAGE, EXODO FLAME!"
Macho Man Randy Savage, Will Smiff, Tom Hanks, the Rock, and I all slam our hands, each holding a card, together.
"AAAAAAHHHHHH"
"NO MATTER HOW STRONG YOUR CARDS ARE WITHOUT HEART THEIR MEANINGLESS."
A yellow light begins to glow in our hands.
"OBAMA THIS WILL CRUSH THE EVIL WITHIN YOU"
A yellow beam fires from our hands straight into Obama bin Lager. He begins screaming in pain as his body is slowly melted into a grey goo. We've won. It's over.